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Everything posted by slider

  1. slider
    I'll tell you what happened. You didn't respect him in the beginning because of his insecurities and possessiveness so you broke up with him. The thing is NO RESPECT = NO LOVE, you can bet your house on that. You took him for granted, treated him bad and the more he tried, the less you appreciated him. Now that you have no one, you want him back because you're lonely. Am I right so far? You have to ask yourself, "Do I really want him back so he can smother me again and get irritated to the point of frustration?" The answer is NO. Relationships are tough as it is, multiply that by 10 when your partner is insecure and jealous. My advice to you is to move on, let time heal and definitely find someone else.
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    shadez884, You need to create interest. How? Spend some time apart. Some couples spend so much time together that the "spark" diminishes. My advice would be for you to get busy outside the relationship. ie. Spend more time with your friends. Get a new hobby. Hit the gym or devote more time toward your career. Let her miss you! As one poster mentioned, you have to be a challenge on a consistent basis. The harder you try to make things work, the more you'll be pushing her away. That I can guarantee. To put it bluntly, GET A LIFE. DO NOT MAKE YOUR LIFE "HER". My apologies for the yelling.
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    I don't want to sound too harsh, but that is a bunch of BS! You like him and he likes you. You obviously get along great as friends. My advice to you would be to try and take it to the next level when he comes back. It seems that he shares the same feelings since he invited you to his hometown. FRIENDS??? You can make other friends! You two have the formula for a good relationship. Don't be afraid to lose a friend if it means gaining a true relationship.
  4. slider

    My wife left

    slider replied to sonar's topic in Personal Growth

    There must be something else you're not telling us. I can't imagine anyone leaving a marriage because of that. Were you neglecting her sexually? Did your addiction to iPorn take up so much of your time that you weren't spending enough time with your family? Somethings missing.
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    2 ways to handle this. Obviously, she is not the person for you and you know it and have moved on. That deserves admiration. Congratulations. First, you could not reply at all and forget this whole thing since it was not a positive experience in your life - so why bring it back in. Closed wounds should stay closed. Secondly, you can reply to her that you are doing just fine and ask her not to email you anymore or you'll block her address. When so much betrayal has taken place in a relationship, it is NOT a good idea to stay in contact. Not even friends. I can tell you from experience that when drugs are involved. You will NOT EVER be a priority. This girl is like cancer. If you are strong enough to fight it off, you don't want it ever to creep into your life again. That's my honest opinion.
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    I agree with the majority. It's NOT ok. The thing is your bf's frame of mind is in the wrong place. Making friends is cool and chatting is cool but to have a profile of "looking" is not. Two words come to mind here: "snowball effect". What starts off as something innocent could lead to bigger problems. Chatting leads to sending pictures which could possibly lead to temptation to stray. I don't think I'm blowing this out of proportion when I say this. These occurrences happened before.
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    Sounds like you will have to make the 1st move toward a real conversation. He is one of two things: 1) Too shy 2) Not interested in anything else but being friendly. If you get positive signals out of him like you say you are - go for it. If he's too shy to approach you and you are the same - NOTHING will happen. GOO GOO eyes without action = no dates. Someone will have put their balls on the line here (pardon the expression). Read some conversational tips on this site and give it a go!
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    Yes, it certainly does. I had a long distance relationship similar to yours and my gf and I were constantly arguing about the contact issue. It was a "chore" for her to call as well. The new location gives a person excitement - which also breeds opportunity. For my ex, being tied down to someone back home was a drag. She split up with me, to explore other romances since all contact with me were negative. In order for her to feel less guilty, she broke it off with me. You are doing the right thing in not contacting him. The only thing you can do is to make the effort to move on without him being that your relationship is still "up in the air". If he does contact you again, let him know that you are trying to heal and move from all this and will not be contacting him in the future because of the pain it causes you. Let him know that "friends" is NOT an option, it's either all or nothing at all. Make it short and to the point. He will respect you for that. Any effort you put to hanging on to him will hurt you more through rejection and will push him away even further. Another option would be NO contact at all, including email. This would work better IMO, since that would make his imagination run wild and crazy wondering what you are doing. The upside to this is that when he finally returns, you may be able to rebuild what you had if that is what you still want. You may, in the future, have already found someone else. Best wishes in your recovery. Stay strong.
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    JSHRN, You need to relax a little on the pressure. Maybe you should read some of the articles on this site about dating. Women are attracted to men who don't slobber over them every chance they get. Play a little hard to get sometimes. The next time she asks you to do something with her make yourself unavailable and don't call her for a few days. The element of surprise and unpredicability will knock some sense into her. Women are attracted to that. Right now she's controlling you and toying with your emotions. It's called the TEASE and it's working on you to perfection. Stop chasing her, let her chase you.
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    Splinter, I think you shouldn't say anything because as of right now, that topic is none of your business. For example, ask a friend who's mom is in the hospital for cancer or something how she is and you may not get the truth out of even your BEST friend. Some topics are simply "off limits" if you are not a couple. No truth required in order to protect the innocent. Yes, she maybe protecting that guy but by poking around in her personal business makes your friendship fade and make you appear as a jealous exboyfriend. If you do still love her and want to truly be her friend, let that issue go.
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    jordan1176, Actually it wasn't my decision to separate. She left me and still called and wanted to get back together even after I treated her badly. I didn't return her calls so she started dating someone else and is with that person now. Maybe you're right in that she may not fulfill ALL my needs. But sheez, it happens EVERY time (this physical attraction thing). I'm attracted to them physically in the beginning. I think there maybe something wrong with me already. I'm not "second guessing my decision", I'm flat out saying I made a mistake. All I know is that I would take her back in a heartbeat. In your case, at least after I've read the description of both of you, maybe it would be better if you think this thing over more. Gee, you ARE in a bind. Especially if you are in top shape and frequent the gym - lots of single "hotties" around. You being in great shape, her not? A little different than my situation then. My ex is physically attractive with a pretty face and an above average body. I don't know what to tell you except I may have let "THE ONE" get away.
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    Lainie, I think you should keep this email as friends. Get him out of your head if you still love your husband. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband because your marriage has fallen into a "rut". The same thing day after day. Tell him you are not happy and why, be honest. Let him know that the future of your relationship depends on it. It really does. Also there are many things you and your husband can do that requires very little money. Think of some and do them. It'll keep your marriage healthy.
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    jordan1176, I felt the same way about my ex to the point where I was treating her really bad and eventually she left me for someone else. I go out with the type of girls that I thought was what I wanted but they do not match up personality wise. We don't click. Right now I wish I didn't let her go. She is happy with the other guy and I'm on this board trying to heal from the stupid mistakes I've made in the past. My advice to you would be to see a therapist and work through these thoughts. My ex actually wanted me to and I said "no way". If I could go back in time, I'd do it. I ask myself everyday if I'll ever change. I lost 3 wonderful women this way and I don't want to lose another. All very good looking yet I seemed to get tired of them physically. I learned my lesson that you have to look deeper than what you see on the outside. "Looks" should be the attribute that attracts them to you - the personality is what sustains a relationship long after all else fades. Don't make the same mistake I did, you will regret it - it's not greener on this side.
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    Dreamdancer118, I think Sgnt_Slaughter has every right to date anyone he's attracted to yet may not "like" the person after a few dates. This happens very often with dating. How do you know if you "like" the person if you don't date them in the first place. Dating is the "getting to know" process that determines whether you want to continue seeing her/him or not.
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    You are going about the situation very well, keep it up. I understand that you are confused but trust me stay out of contact with her. It definitely is the right thing to do. Contacting her will make you feel worse, trust me on this. Now for the bad part. KEEP IN MIND I MAY BE WRONG ABOUT THIS. You'll have to consider the possibility that she is seeing someone else. This greatly resembles my ex in that she was very smothering, loving to the point she would give up a lot to please me but a touch insecure. For these types, they can't handle being alone and move from relationship to relationship quickly. Same symptoms, depression because she is unhappy that she can't be with the other person and not hurt you at the same time. Lying like never before. Not calling because of her guilt. I've been on both sides of that. She really doesn't want to see you hurt. They CAN do "cold turkey" without closure because there's someone else. This behavior is very common in relationships, almost like DNA. I hate to bring harsh reality to this board but I honestly do it to help. The sooner you can face letting go, the sooner you'll heal. If you contact her, you will open unhealed scabs. But hey, I may be wrong about this whole thing, let's hope I am.
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    I'm listening... One thing for sure is that you CAN function without her, but you can't do it if you neglect your health. For starters, you may want to seek professional counseling. I've done it before and it really helps. Also, seek support from a friend who you can talk to. Sometimes that may not be the immediate friends you see day to day - but someone you knew in the past or a family member. I do believe everyone who breaks it off with someone after a long relationship will eventually be happy again. Some faster than others. But it will come. I know it's hard but give yourself time. You'll be happy again. In order to move on, you must cut ALL contact with her already. You've punished yourself enough. Take the hurt and anger and put it to work. Use it to better yourself. I usually use that energy to hit the gym full throttle. What also helped was getting out of the house. Action, reaction - how are you going to react to this tragedy?
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    Just thought I'd bring some brightness to this board and give some of us hope when the going seems oh so tough. After my break up of a 1.5 yr. relationship, I've been keeping busy going to clubs, bars, surfing, drinking with friends and catching up on the night scene a little. Last night I exchanged phone numbers with a girl that is absolutely HOT!! My ex was attractive and did receive a lot of attention from the guys - make no mistake she was a popular cutie. But new girl is a total knockout. We are going out tonight for the first time. I'm stoked! The only problem is that I don't know if she's nice or not. I haven't spoken to her long enough to find out - I was pretty much in a daze just checking out the goods on the girl. I don't consider myself to be shallow but, shallow is working for me right now. Lesson learned - IF IT DOESN'T KILL YOU IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER - withstand the pain of the breakup and somewhere down the line the good and the bad WILL even out. Quite possibly the good may outweigh the bad. I'm not saying I'm going to jump into another realtionship here, but I can say I'm taking advantage of and making the best out of a bad situation. I really don't feel like dating at this time but damned if I'm turning this one away.
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    Sorry to have to point this out, but your ex DID NOT leave you to seek "closure" but to seek a "new beginning". Why would anyone leave a healthy relationship for ANYTHING else? Because it's the truth. Closure comes in different forms. She already had it in one way or another. Whether it be a calm talk or a door slam in the face. No one goes back to an old flame thinking that "it won't work". She has to believe that there's a chance it will. She's trying to keep hanging on for a safety net. Sorry for being so blunt but there is an upside to this whole thing. On the brighter side, I do believe she still loves you and cares for you deeply, but she did the unfair thing by getting involved with you while not being over her ex - to the point that she could resist him at least. If it doesn't work out with her ex, I believe she'll try to come back. The thing is, will you want her back several months down the road when you're all healed and could withstand turning her away in a heartbeat? You'll have to think about that, and the possibility that she has the nerve to walk away with some lame excuse again. You must take the most used line here - "move on". I do not admire your position and there are many on this board going through the same thing. My ex left me and is now dating someone else happily. I really hurts, but time, good friends, time, new girls, time, hobbies, time, no contact and time heals a heartbreak like no other. Soak it in and god bless you.
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    faster302, If I were you I'd go out with this other girl. 5 years is a long time to be in a relationship, but you can't miss oportunities that may turn out for the better. Let the new girl know that you find her attractive but you are getting over someone to be fair. If she is worth it, she'll understand. Go out and have a good time. Don't mention your ex during the date though. That will spoil it. If your ex finds out, that's simply too bad for her - she'll probably see that you can move on and will develop new respect for you. But she doesn't have to know about it because it's none of her business now that you've separated. Right now you have to be selfish. You'll heal a lot faster with company. As for getting back with your ex, maybe it's a possibility. A relationship of that time is sure to have a lot of memories and very difficult to walk away from. It's the memories that hurt the most doesn't it? I've been there all too often. All I can say is give her the space - pursuing her will draw her away. You can't do anything positive about the situation except heal yourself. Going out with others is the best way.
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    I'm in a similar situation where my ex is seeing someone else. I know it's difficult. Check out this response and the advice I've given this person: link removed
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    I am in the same position as you. Ex g/f seeing someone else right after the breakup. In my eyes, this is definitely a break up. The best thing for you to do is to move on. I know it's difficult after spending so much time together but it'll get easier. Take it in stride, move on, don't bother him, date someone else only if you feel you're ready and not out of spite for your ex. If you can't date right now, that's normal. If he does realize that you are the one for him later, he'll try to come back. The trouble is that by that time, you may not want him back. Can you honestly tell yourself that he was "the one"? Or, are you wanting him back now only because he is with someone else? Wanting that person back is the normal response when the ex has someone else. Since you issued the first break, I thought I'd ask. I know my feelings only changed when I found out that my ex was seeing someone else (only then I wanted her back) and knew I had to deal with the possibility that I may never be with her again. It's much more difficult that way, I know what you're going through. My advice to you would be to: 1) move on, don't call, write, email, etc. Don't wait for something that may never come back. 2) Keep busy. Hit the gym. Go places with lots of guys just to flirt and get attention. Take your mind off this situation. 3) Stay positive, never rule out the fact that you can have something better. If you see your ex at the gym be friendly, appear happy and exude confidence. Independence is attractive. hope this all helps.
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    If you still have feelings for that person, you shouldn't be friends with him at this time. Maybe a few months down the road when feelings diminish to the point you can look and talk to him without feeling hurt at all. There's no sense in causing any additional pain in your life right now. Now is the time for you to heal. Explain that to him and tell him that you will let him know when you can be friends again. This can't happen until ALL your feelings for him has left you. Later on, friendship with your ex can be a very pleasing experience. The reason for that is because you know each other so well. They are able to give you very good advice because they know how you think and know the things you like or dislike. Sometimes these instances lead to getting back together. Some of those relationships really work out well too. Probably because both parties realize how and what they have to change in order to get along.
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    I agree with what everyone is saying here. Don't be angry with her face to face (inside it's ok), nothing you say will convince her to come back at this point. Only drive her away. The next time she comes to pick up stuff act as if you're doing fantastic without her - even to the point of helping her carry her stuff to the car. Here's how you make her think twice about what she is doing: 1) Act happy that she is leaving and be polite. 2) Show confidence that you can get along without her. Confidence is attractive. 3) Dress nice. Appear to be dressed up and going somewhere. 4) Here's the Key: Hurry her up, rush her to get what she's taking and leave. Let her know you have to be places and see people. Say something like, "can you make this quick? I need to meet a friend for dinner (lunch). I don't want to keep her waiting". Trust me, if you can slip that one in, you'll get her thinking. Getting dumped hurts, but there's NOTHING that hurts more than getting dumped for someone else. You know that by now. I do too. If she starts asking questions, just tell your ex, "oh, she just a friend who's helping me cope with all this. She's a good listener". Fire with fire. Even if you're all dressed up and no where to go. Go somewhere and have a beer. It'll taste a lot better. You've planted the seed. One more thing: If she starts the blaming thing again, just agree with her. Say "yeah, yeah, yeah it was all my fault, whatever. Can you please hurry up?" You must display attitude. In your mind you are the COLDEST SOB out there.
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    RiverRojo, Sorry about your situation. It seems to me that you should take this time and use it to your advantage. Don't be so closed minded in thinking that there aren't girls out there that can please you. Trust me, there is. You just have to give someone else a chance. Waiting for her and not seeing or wanting to see others makes a person look pathic, thereforeeeee, unattractive. If you show her that you are perfectly willing to move on and seek someone else, she'll respect your more. Independence is attractive. You need to be attractive in her eyes. Get it. Tell her: You can give you the space she needs, but you can't guarantee you'll still be there when she feels it's time to come back. Expecting you to just wait around in disarray could be a selfish ploy to see if she can find someone better. ie. She'll check out the nightspots, see if she can get someone that could be a potential partner. Try it for a month - if unsuccessful, then go back to the guy that's waiting for her. Otherwise, pursue that other person and let you go. In that case her reason will be "it just happened". BS.
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    How does anyone deal with a partner that is insecure. I had broken up with someone who is very insecure and smothering. I found it to be very annoying and something I couldn't deal with. I still love her but I couldn't cope with it or change her. Ultimately, I drove me away. Need advice for future relationship.
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