infaith

hi all... i've been doing all i can to squash any hope of my ex returning...like dating and taking up new hobbies...i still love him but i'm getting stronger each day... however, a thought still lingers... some people advise on breakups is this: "If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours... if it doesn't, it never was." yet many in this forum feel exes getting back together rarely works out...perhaps because its hard to trust someone that left you for another...or he could make the same mistakes... but doesn't the above quote imply that if an ex comes back, the relationship was meant to be and you could be secure that it would work out better than before? appreciate any opinions on these 2 conflicting thoughts...

hi all... have posted here before about my breakup with my ex of 5 years... been busy trying to move on and improving myself...took up new hobbies, going out with friends, trying to gain some weight (i think i'm too slim!), etc... some days i'm fine but some days i'm a little down... so i decided to do something more...get rid of all his letters and our photos... i tore them up and threw them away...i though it would liberate me... however, i feel worse now...kindda guilty and upset...even regretful... i thought by physically destroying his stuff would help me move on...but i feel worse and more upset...like i shouldn't have done it... seems like i've gone a few steps back from my healing process and am hurting again... why is this so?

thank you so much for your valuable thoughts and advise... yes, have to move on...have been taking up dance classes, inline skating and spending time with friends... then i found out about the girl and it seems, i moved back a few steps and have to start moving on all over again...sigh... hard to belief that he can discard 5 years of memories for some girl just like that (we were going strong)... one more question, though... i have decided to cut all ties with my ex for at least a year... thing is, he's coming back for 3-4 months at the end of the year... we attend the same church.. our church is small and we usually hang out with the same people on sundays... been thinking of serving in another church during the time he is here... should i do that? i teach children in church on sundays.. is it fair to the kids that i take a break just because of personal problems? just torn between my responsibilities to others and trying to serve my own emotional needs...it makes u so tired sometimes

hi.. have posted a couple of times here about my breakup... basically, my ex went overseas to study... a few months later he came back for the holidays and wanted to breakup based on cliche reasons..."relationship is stagnant", "i'm not worth your time", etc there was no closure for me as the reasons seem to be groundless... we are each other's first love and were together for 5 years (we're both 24 years)... after he went back, i discovered he actually liked another girl in his hostel from my friend...and realised that was the REAL reason...he wanted to pursue her... i was hurt and angry...he was not honest, instead, all his many reasons he told me were a bunch of lies... and all these i have to discover from a third party source... they are not attached and he mentioned development is hard cuz they get on each others nerves for all the wrong reasons... i am hurt cuz he has never asked about me... instead most conversations he had with my friend is all about that girl...e.g. are how moody he gets when they are in the same hostel yet seem so far apart, what she cooked for dinner, etc... - although they were not attached before he broke up with me, but broke up cuz he wanted to pursue that girl, was he unfaithful? - as their relationship is not so smooth, should i wait for him? will his new 'relationship' lasts"? should i trust him again? - so far, have no contact with him since he returned... should i continue to cut all ties for me to heal and for how long?...will it dampen my chance of a reconcilation if we have no contact at all?... guess i hurt so much cuz i put in so much in the relationship... would appreciate if u have any insight and advise on this...thans so much

dear stupefied... after she hung up, i can imagine your heart was pounding and you just sat there blanked out... my ex wiped out all the emails we exchanged throughout our 5 years together a few days ago...and that was how i felt... sigh...reality checks can be harsh and unfair... just when you are sure you are better, you get weighed down with awful feelings again... she seems determined to cut contact with you... i guess that realisation cuts you like a knife...just like when i now realise my ex does is determined to remove all traces of me in his life... pls, your hoping is not getting you anywhere...it just made you move ten steps back... you wanted 'no more pain'....try to extinguish any false hopes... and u can do this by accepting the situtaion as it is for now and stop contacting her....by not giving you the reaction you want, she will disappoint you... don't disappoint yourself further...you don't deserve it...

i understand how driven up the wall you are... my ex and i broke up 1.5 months ago...and we both attend the same church... good thing he is studying overseas...but will be back for 3 months at the end of the year... already, i'm dreading how it hard it must be to see him around in church then..and what will happen... so i can picture how hard it is for you now... the more hope you have of getting back together, the more 'crazy' you would get... humans are an impatiend breed...they find it hard to deal with uncertainty...they want immediate answers... it's difficult, but try to let go of the hope that he'll return to you...hope just eats into your patience because the expectation is there... acccept that the breakup is final then those question about what will happen won't keep bugging you... if he comes back, it is a nice surprise... it is hard to accept reality sometimes...you just can't bring yourself to... i'm trying to myself... try to be strong...

oh dear! sometimes you just slump back and question what is happening and how could it possibly be true... 11 years is a long time...so much has been put in... it's hard to shove it aside and say "i have to move on"... i can imagine how devasted you are! it's times like these when u pinch yourself and ask if you are in a dream... you were faithful and the least you could expect of her is to do the same...but she didn't... it's sad when the one you love has a change of heart... i believe she really loved you for who you are...stupid of her to change and leave you behind... i really wish you lots of strength and courage... try to be brave...oh dear...

doesn't it just drive you nuts! it's hard when you have an expectation and its not met...it can be ringing in your head day and night...bugs you like hell! when my ex was contemplating to break up with me, i poured out my feelings in a letter... that didn't change his mind one bit...just a cold "why did you write that letter for?" 3 weeks after the breakup, he sent me an email to ask how i was... i was adament to give both of us space for at least a couple of months, so did not reply.. seemed that he was awaiting my reply, so when nothing came, he fwd the same email to another of my mail account... that was then i softened and decided to reply, but not before telling myself that i cannot have any expectations cuz i would be disappointed... it was a mistake...i begain checking my email a dozen times a day... i was upset i did not hear from him... it's very hard not to have any expectations...any hopes... we might deny it at first or try to prevent it, but it is there...tugged somewhere in our hearts...the silent longing to hear what you want... it is very difficult to just numb yourself to it... so try not to do anything that would give you hope... a breakup is painful enough...being disappointed again and again would prolong your hurt... and i guess you have been hurt enough...please take care of youself

hi mikeyc... how awful you must feel! this is exactly what i fear that i might have to face...it would be unbearable... i would be devasted if i knew my ex is going out with someone else so soon after our breakup, much worse getting engaged... it just makes you feel how unimportant or insignficant you are in her life, especially after all the time shared and love you have showered upon her... my ex left me for some invalid reasons...and i myself am not trying to find out the real reason yet cuz i don't think i'm ready to handle it... i'm giving myself a couple of months to heal... frankly, i'm suspecting there might be somebody else...and it hurts like hell...makes u feel lousy... so i understand how u feel... perhaps it's not her that you are upset over... it could be more of the unfulfilled dream of marrying her...the supposed happiness and joy that she is experiencing and you are not...or the promises made that didn't come true... so don't mistake that ur sadness is over her, or else it's even harder to let go... doesn't feel good, huh? so sad to hear...

Hey all! Appreciate every single one of ur thoughts... Never doubted that my ex was sincere and true in his love during those 5 years… Just feel it has been wasted years as I gave so much to a person who would have a change of heart in the end… sigh He has decided to sever all ties with me… He wants a change of direction and to start a new life…he sees I play no part in it… This is a harsh reality of life - people change, they suddenly have a need to engage in the pursuit of different things and abandon little valuable things that seem irrelevant at the moment … They have a picture of life that they see and they will do away with things that do not seem to fit in it…it is sad when such 'things' include people as well… When u realise that the person you loved is so shallow and gets blinded by the false realities of life, you are utterly disappointed… It is immensely painful to let them go, knowing they have to learn certain things on their own… Used to love passionately…had a playful innocent nature that gets excited by the little things in life… Don't think I would love so passionately again…my next love would perhaps be more sober and quiet… Is that bad?

in a relationship, you cherish the promises made, the dreams shared and the excitment in building a life together... so yes, it hurts when your loved one turns his or her back on you and you realise, all the promises and love declared are nothing but empty.. but it hurts even more when you also realise, they were indeed sincere at the point they said these things... but somehow, they changed... and you question, how could they change just like that? wat happened? my ex told me i was the most impt person in the world to him, how he wanted to marry me, how he teared whenever he imagined something bad happening to me, how he was so smitten with me... i do believe he meant these things at that point... but we must realise our exes may no longer be the people we once knew...that's why they are able to do the things they have done despite the promises made - choose to kick us out of their lives and do things that hurt us (unintentionally) they have a different agenda and no longer have our interests at heart... once again, sigh...

my ex of 5 years left me without any valid reason... gave so much to him... i worked part-time while i studied (but he didn't)... as i was more 'financially' well off, i paid most of the time we went out...and paid for many things he wanted but could not afford... and as he was struggling in his studies, i coached him dring exams... i also spent years trying to encourage and reassure him to boost the low confidence he had in himself...it was mentally exhausting... i tried to keep the relationship exciting by thinking of new things to do and places to go and gifts to surprise him constantly... he studies and self confidence improved so much... he experienced so many new things in life that i exposed him to - food, culture, activites, lifestyles... and he was so grateful.. then, one day, he just leaves without any valid reason... just the cliches - 'we're not compatible', 'i don't deserve u', etc... i feel so used...invested so much...and he reaped so much from it... i was truly happy too...thot the relationship would end up in marriage... he was the most wonderful guy...good values, charming, well-mannered and all the time he behaved as i was 'the most important person in the world to him'... was the investment worth it? anybody feel used and cheated cuz they were the ones putting more effort in the relationship yet end up the one getting hurt?

hi bwiii... sigh...when i read your problem, that's all i could do... yet another person suffering the immense hurt i'm going through myself... it pains me to read your post...really pains me... my ex of 5 years left me without any valid reason... gave and invested so much love, money, time and sacrifices to him... so i understand...it's hard to fanthon how someone could just walk away... could just abandon all the memories shared, sacrifices given and love invested... you simply just can't believe how people can be so devoid of emotion... how could your gf just dump you after all the love and time shared? yeah, i'm angry at her...don't know her, but i'm really pissed of by her actions...

ask her lovingly why she doesn't believe you or think it's enough when you declare your love for her... perhaps you say it in a too-matter-of-fact or casual way that it doesn't seem sincere...i don't know...just stating possibilities... it could also be that she would like more attention from you and needs some reinforment that she's still important to you... as a gal, i like guys to be initiative...and that includes expressing out their love... doesn't have to be all the time...but a little reassurance now and then is nice...

thank you for your kinds words and empathy! it really makes me feel better when u hear from people the understand your turmoil... To PuppyDog13: it's nice to know that someone is 'pissed' with my ex... it really made me feel a bit better!...thank you! i still can't understand how he could just drop me like that...5 years and he just walks away... while he doesn't mind keeping in contact, i rather cut all ties at the moment till my hurt is gone... To kutekat100: it really pains me to hear that you are going through the same trial... i understand the pain so i really hate it when i hear that another has to endure the same hurt... i will write to you soon about how i am handling my situation...i hope it can help u... in the meantime, surround yourself with good friends..talk to them about how you feel...con't to write in this forum too... To slider: i can't agree with you more about the no-contact rule... it takes soooo much willpower to do this...but it seems to be the most effective way in helping oneself move on... so sorry to hear that you had to go thru a similar situation...it sucks... and i agree with u again about the excitment a new location brings... at this point, i believe he was fasinated about the opportunities a new place brings and decided i didn't fit into the picture... i'm just disappointed that my ex, whom i respected for the values he stood by, could succumb to the excitment of a new place and abandoned me like baggage... it rips me apart that he could actually 'exchange' me for the temporary thrills of a new place... seems such a weak character...