splinter

Thanks Segagirl, Yeah, I've told her that she can call me whenever. I told her that I will be her friend. I will probably talk to her soon, but lot of people tell me to leave her alone, which I have. Even though I've spoken to her a few times, I haven't called her myself. I'm planning to change that, but waiting until I am a little more sane and after a little therapy. Its just that time is running out before she moves back to her native country. I just feel that everytime she calls, she is reaching out to me and I am not coming through because I don't want to seem desperate even though I am Splinter

Hmm this is a very difficult one. I went through the same thing. My Ex lived with me then one day she said it was over and that she was moving out. She had the courtesy to move out a couple of days later and even though that broke my heart it was sort of a good thing. Its been almost a month and a half since she moved out, but it still hurts every day. Like you, I suspect there is another guy involved. For some odd reason, I wasn't mad about this, just VERY VERY HURT!!! I realized that I wasn't mad because I was the one who pushed her away, I was the one that didn't give her the attention she deserved, so of course she would find it somewhere else. Like the previous post, I think the bottom line is do you want to be comfortable or do you want to be free. For me I have chosen being comfortable because this pain just won't go away. If given another chance I will jump on it. The final thing is that even though she promises that she won't cheat on you there is still always the possibility, which is why if we ever do get back together I wont' ask her to promise me that, because who knows, even though I care for her greatly now it is something that I might even do, even though I hope I never do. That in my opinion is something you just cant' promise. My 2 cents Splinter

Hello Everyone, I have a question. Many people on this forum have used the saying "If you let it go and it comes back then it was meant to be, but if it doesn't come back then it was never meant to be" or some iteration of that saying. My question is what if you let her go and she wants to come back, but just can't find a way? That is how I feel she feels right now. That is how a lot of my friends tells me how she feels. I have not done any of the contacting lately, but she has. I know its very difficult for her to voice her feelings even to the people dearest to her. She calls me to ask some really simple questions that she should know the answer to already. I feel that she is just calling to talk to me, but doesn't know what to say. What do you guys think? Splinter

Wow Goldie, I envy you. I wish I could be that strong. Like you I have gone through all the motions. I have quit smoking(which I thought I would never do, even though I promised my Ex I would at the beginning of our relationship), I have been working out almost every day, I've lost 25 pounds.(don't know if this is good or not because I am not eating very much), trying to go out as much as possible, etc. I just can't seem to get out of this slump. I cannot take on the attitude you have. Even though initially I begged her to give me another chance and that I would change, I have not asked again because I am too scared to hear the answer I know will probably come. The problem is I still have hope and its killing me. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure with that attitude you will find someone again soon. Splinter

Thanks for all your support, There are basically 3 main reasons why she broke up with me. Obviously, there are a lot more reasons, but these are the main things. 1. She started going to school over here met a lot of friends and is probably having the time of her life. She never experienced the college life in her home country and is now trying to live it up. 2. I was so worried about our future that I forgot the present and sort of neglected her. I was so focused on saving money for us, focusing on my career so that I could support her, etc. that I just forgot that she is here in a new country and was having a hard time herself adjusting. 3. Since she was in a new country and didn't speak the language herself, I really babied her and treated her like a younger sister or my daughter and she started to feel inferior to me. I'm not saying that I was a bad guy at all. My intenetions were very sincere. She meant everything to me and I just wanted her to live a comfortable life. I supported her financially, I never restricted her from having fun, I introduced all my friends to her so she could adjust more comfortably. I tried to take her everywhere she needed to go, but these were places she had to go, but I didn't take her to places she wanted to go because I thought I was too busy. I do honestly want to just wait this out. I figure I won't contact her at all, but of course if she contacts me I will try to sound happy and help her out when I can. The problem is that she will probably be moving back to her home country in a couple of months after school finishes so I just feel the clock is ticking away and that its going to be do or die soon. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening to my whining, Splinter

I thought I would write in this forum, because I would very much like some female input. This thing called hope, I want to get rid of it so much, but it lingers on. She broke up with me. All my friends said I was so good to her, even her mom says its her fault, yet I know that I wasn't always there for her and I didn't do everything in my power to make this work. Well now I have realized these things and I so want to try again, but when she broke up with me she said that she couldn't give me another chance. Yet, when I see her, she always dresses up. The first time I saw her after a month she even wore a shirt that I had gotten her. Maybe she doesn't miss me, well she didn't say she did directly, but she cried a lot and said she missed my roommates and living at the house. She asked if my roommates were going to a festival and if they were for them to call her. Why didn't she ask them herself. Why would she invite them, but not me when she knows I am always with my roommates. She had to deposit a check and I explained to her how to do that, but she said it was too difficult and asked me if she could come with me when I went. Am I being too hopeful? Am I just reading into this too much? Should I just move on? Should I just tell her its too hard to be friends right now? Should I try to win her back? I just don't know what to do and my friends are split on both camps. I miss her so much.

After all your advice and advice from my friends, I've decided to just act nonchalant when I see her and not even bring this up. Maybe she will bring it up, maybe she won't, but I am not going to stress about it. Yesterday, I felt that this was not how friends should act, but you know what we just broke up, we can't just get into friend mode like that. I realized we have to build that up too and if she wants to keep secrets and hide it, so be it. Thanks all

Slider, I completely understand what you are saying, but how can a friendship continues when I have to be careful of every question or comment I make because she might get defensive? How will she feel if she is scared that I might ask the wrong questions all the time. That is why I am confused and don't know what to do. Sigh PS. Thanks for the input.

Hmm, maybe my choice of words wasn't good. I do want to be friends with her. I think she is hiding this because she either doesn't want to hurt me anymore, is scared to tell me, is embarrassed to tell me, or she still hasn't decided what she wants and wants to keep her options open. I know that she isn't hiding it for any malicious reasons because there are none. I want to make this friendship work, because I don't want her to feel guilty all the time for hiding this because there is nothing to feel guilty about. We are broken up and she is free to date other people as am I. I also, don't want her to get all defensive everytime I ask questions. I guess I answered my question again. I guess I will talk to her about this and explain how I feel and hear how she feels. Thanks again Swingfox

Thanks for the advice Swing Fox, I know that finding out doesn't really matter, but here is the thing. First off, I don't want to have a friendship where things are being hidden. I am sure that she is hiding it because either she is embarrassed or scared to tell me or just doesn't want to hurt my feelings anymore. I mean we aren't going out anymore, so there really is no reason to hide it. thereforeeeee, I wanted to just kind of bring it up and let her know that I pretty much know already and that she can open up to me. Of course it will hurt me, but that is my issue. What do you think? Should I still not say anything? Splinter

So here is the situation. My Ex and I broke up a little over a month ago and she moved out. We didn't talk for over a month and we finally met a couple of days ago. I followed an ebook and accepted responsibility for my action, but also understood what I did wrong. In anycase, the evening ended well and I was able to get everything off my chest and it was all good. Well just a few minutes ago she IM'd me. I am supposed to take her to the bank so she can deposit a check. I told her I would pick her up at where she was living, but she was adament about me not going there and picking her up at the train station. Also, a couple of nights ago I asked her how often she checks her email and she said maybe once every couple of days at the library, so when she started chatting with me I was surprised because I didn't think you can have chat software on a public computer so I asked where she was at. At this point she clammed up and said she was feeling very uncomfortable because I was asking so many questions. Well, this just reinforces my belief that another guy is involved here. Of course it hurts very much, but hey what can I do. I admit, subconsciously or consciously I was asking these questions to see if she would admit it, but she didn't. I already told her that if there was another guy and he was making her happy then even though it would hurt me, I can accept it and support her. Again she didn't deny or admit that there was another guy so my questions are the following: 1. Why would she just not tell me straight out that she is seeing somone? What would be the reason not to tell me? Is she still deciding whether he is the one or something?(a females perspective would greatly be appreciated on this matter, but a males perspective is also fine) 2. Should I just straight out ask her and then after she responds just tell her I am ok with it? 3. Should I just leave it alone? The problem I have with this is I don't want her to feel like she always has to hide stuff from me and I want her to understand that I know already and have accepted it. How do I handle this? I mean I don't want her to feel that she needs to hide things from me. HELP!!!

Thanks Heart on a wheel, While I miss her very much. I am not angry at all, just extremley sad of course. The good thing is that even if she has moved on, I realized that I can be friends with her. Not that it won't be hard in the beginning, but I think I can do it. I really appreciate your input. Splinter

Custom X, Not to be so blunt, but I don't think you were the perfect boyfriend. Otherwise, she wouldn't have left you. The reason why I am being so blunt is that I also felt that I was the perfect bf. So did a lot of people who saw our relationship. To this day everyone tells me I was so good to her and did everything for her and they don't understand why she left. I was home when she wanted me to be. I sacraficed going out with my friends to be with her. I supported her financially. When I was gone on business I always called her to make sure she was ok. I let her go out with her friends whenever she wanted without making any complaints and so on and so on. You know what though, after she left me, I really sat down and thought of our relationship and why it didn't work out. Then bam I started seeing things from her perspective and realized all the things I wasn't doing for her. I just put up a post on this message board where I wrote her a letter. Writing this letter really made me understand what I was thinking during our relationship and then on the flip side how I think she felt. After I wrote this letter I realized why she left.

Just like everyone else here I need advice and just like everyone else this is very long so I apologize in advance. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. My GF left me about a month ago after a 2 and a half year relationship. The difficult thing about this is I thought she was the one and was planning on popping the question soon. Also, the fact that I brought her over from another country and she lived with me before I think either of us was ready really strained the relationship. When she initially broke it off, I did the begging, the pleading, the whining, etc., but she said that she couldn't give me a second chance because she saw me more as an older brother. She did though say that she was so glad that she was able to meet me and wanted to remain friends. At the time I told her that I couldn't answer her at that point. I asked her to give me a month to collect my thoughts and then I would answer. Well its been a month now and I am seeing her this weekend. During this month I have done a lot of soul searching and discovering a lot about myself and also I think I've started to understand how she feels. During this month we have kept our contact with each other at a minimum because I requested that. I finally called her this week and told her I am ready to meet with her and talk. I am quite nervous about this meeting because I want her back so bad, but don't know how she feels. I have decided though that I will not ask for her back. I already tried that once. In some people recommended that I write her a letter so I did and I was planning on reading it out out loud to her when I see her. Just wanted to hear some thoughts on what people think of this letter. Please let me know because I've never done anything like this before. Thank you, Splinter I hope that you are doing well right now. I am writing this letter because I want to let you know something. Please bear with me, I've never really written a letter to anyone and the fact that I am writing my feelings is making this harder. Don't worry, while I miss you very much, I've realized that asking you back will not solve our problems right now. Besides that decision is something that you and only you can make or have made. So what's on my mind right now? Actually, the same thing that has been on my mind for the last month, our relationship ending. Yes we had our differences. Yes we had issues, but in time I thought we could work them out and be happy together. I now realize that these differences and issues would have never been resolved if our relationship had remained the same. I have thought a lot of our relationship and what I could've or should've done, because before you left me I thought I had been doing everything possible. Boy was I wrong, so I decided to write these thoughts down so I can understand them better and maybe you can too. These thoughts are basically ones I had during the relationships and what I now realize. I guess the main thing here is that I was wrong and I now understand why you left. - Why couldn't you understand that I was only thinking of making you happy forever. - Now I realize that I pressured you too much about things - Why couldn't you understand that I was always thinking of your well being and trying to protect you. - Now I realize that I treated you like a younger sister or a daughter instead of a girlfriend. - Why couldn't you try to have fun when I took you places or tried to do things for you. - Now I realize that you didn't have fun because I never asked you what you wanted to do and instead tried to impose what I found fun on you - Why couldn't you understand that I am not good at grammar and couldn't help you with your homework all the time. - Now I realize that if I couldn't help you with your homework I should've helped you in other ways. -Why couldn't you understand that you owed me nothing, I wasn't expecting anything from you. I just wanted you to be happy. - Now I realize that of course you would feel you owed me something because I always reminded you of what I was doing. - Why didn't we have anything in common. - Now I realize it wasn't because we had nothing in common we just never found similar likes that we could both enjoy together. - Why couldn't you see that you were my everything and I loved you for who you are. - Now I realize that I didn't accept you for who you are instead I tried to change you into something I wanted you to be. - Why did you complain that I didn't communicate with you when I thought I was - Now I realize that we weren't communicating, I was only telling you how it was, or trying to fix your problems when you just wanted to be heard. - Why didn't you tell me you had issues. - Now I realize that you tried in your own subtle ways and I just didn't listen. - Why didn't you understand that sometimes I was too tired to take you places or do things - Now I realize that you just wanted to spend quality time with me - Why couldn't you just accept me for who I WAS - Now I realize that you did and you were just trying to help me become a better person. - Why couldn't you understand that I was working to support you - Now I realize that this is never an excuse to ignore you. - Why were you so selfish and never thought of me - Now I realize that I was the selfish one who didn't think of your needs - Why couldn't you understand that my friends love you just as much as they love me. - Now I realize it was because they were MY friends - Why couldn't you support me more. - Now I realize you did, but I just took it for granted - Why couldn't you realize that I was thinking about our future - Now I realize that I ignored the present - Why couldn't you understand that I was trying to introduce you to all my friends so that you would have lots of friends, when I couldn't be there. - Now I realize I should've taken the time to become your friend first and always be there for you. - Why couldn't we hang out with your friends so I could know them better - Now I realize I didn't even take the time to get to get to know you. - Why did you leave and break my heart - Now I realize that you were stronger then me and made the right choice for the both of us. When we first broke up you asked if we could be friends. I replied that I didn't know if I could do that. I felt so hurt and crushed. I thought that I could never recover. I was scared because I thought you were my future and now it was gone. I asked myself how could she do this to me and why would I want to remain friends with someone that hurt me so much. Well now, I think I understand why and know that this was the best for the both of us. I also now understand that I can have my own life even if it is without you in it. I now feel that as long as you are happy with your decisions and your life I can be happy for you, even though I may not be the one that makes you happy. thereforeeeee, I would be very honored to be your friend if that is what you truly want. I can be your shoulder to cry on. I can be your emotional punching bag. I can be the person you ask advice from. I can be the person that listens when there is nothing important to say, but you just want to babble. I can be the person you turn to when you need someone the most. If you let me, I will always be there for you and that is the most important realization I have made. This complicated thing called life, especially this past month has been very tough on me. I have grown and learned more about myself then I have in many many years, but at maybe a too high cost. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this because you are the one that made me realize this and given me the most important and painful gift that anyone has ever given me. You have also given me the best 2 and a half years of my life and I am so grateful that you stuck around with me for that long. Unfortunately this gift was realized too late and I am so so sorry for that. Please forgive me.

Hello, I am new to this board, but I thought I would put my 2 cents in, especially this post because it is so similar to what I am going through. First off, I realized that no matter how hard I try to get her back, only she can make that decision. I feel that the harder I try the more she is going to pull away. I've read alot of these forums lately and gotten some great advice. I've also realized a lot of things about myself. When my ex broke up with me, I begged I pleaded, and asked for a second chance. I also asked why she never discussed these issues with me and drop this bomb all of a sudden. In retrospect though, I realized that she did try to tell me, but in her own subtle ways and I just didnt' listen or didn't want to listen. After I realized this, I started writing all my thoughts down on paper and started understanding more and more how much I didn't understand about her during the relationship. Its been about a month now since our break up and I am meeting with my ex for the first time this Sunday. The reason being is that when she asked to remain friends and asked if she could call me I told her that I needed a month to think about it and then I would let her know. I felt that I needed time to clear my thoughts and try to be rational. Well judgement day has come and you know what? The biggest realization I have made is that I can and want to be friends with her. If this never blossoms into a romantic relationship again then so be it. Don't get me wrong, I want her back soo bad, but I now know that I don't necessarily need her. I have taken this last month to really look at myself and like Vampyr I have tried to improve myself for myself. I have been working out every day and have lost 20 pounds. I am eating much healthier now and I quit smoking completely. Of course I hope that she sees these changes in me and realizes how much I care for her, but if she doesn't I am at least improving myself. Sorry for the long babble, but hope that helps. Splinter