jordan1176

I recently got back together with my girlfriend. I realized after I had broken it off that it was not her which was negatively affecting our relationship, but rather it was me who was not fully committed emotionally. She is so kind and giving, and only wants to make me happy. Yet I am constantly turning her away, and avoiding her. The feeling I get reminds me of my teenage years (which were not long ago - I'm 26)...that feeling of teenage angst. For example when my parents, who love me so much would show affection I would become distant, and feel moody and angry. I built an emotional shell around myself and hated when anyone tried to penetrate that shell. I thought I had finally left those years behind, but they've seemed to resurface with my girlfriend. She never asks for anything material, but only wants me to tell her I love her. Or ask her to go to dinner, or spend time with her. And I can't seem to find the feelings for that lately. Instead I am aloof, and unkind. Part of the reason I originally broke it off was b/c I was starting to feel like this, and I figured it meant somehow I was "falling out of love" with this girl who I once felt so much for. But then being apart from her, I realized how much I missed her and how she was such a positive influence in my life. I also remembered that I've never stopped loving my parents but yet I used to feel like this with them. I realized it's part of growing up. But now that I am back in it I am creating this wall/shell again. How do you know when you are falling out of love with someone vs. perhaps just not loving yourself?

Slider - thanks very much for your post. it seems you really struggle with the exact same issue that i do. i will certainly heed your advice. my only comment is that perhaps you just haven't met THE girl yet. could it be possible that there is a girl that meets ALL your needs? maybe you regret doing what you did b/c you just haven't met the right girl yet, and are second guessing your decision.

With respect to your questions: What about her body do you not like, is it her breast or is she underweight or overweight? I guess she is a little overweight. She's on the short side, so she's a bit stocky and I am not attracted to her butt. I just wish it was smaller and more firm. What made you attracted to her in the first place? How did it just fade, was it lust? It was never lust. She has a very pretty face, and the night I met her I couldn't take my eyes off her. But shortly after we met, she went back to school to finish up. It was a long distance relationship, so I really just fell in love with her as a person, and it was great when we saw each other. But from day one I questioned my overall attraction to her body. Obviously there is so much more to a person than the outside, and I really fell in love with who she was. Again, her face is very pretty, so it was never a struggle. But when we are alone and intimate, I always desire a more firm person. She goes to the gym, but really looks the same. Someone mentioned in an earlier post that she probably would want my body to be better. At the risk of sounding egotistical, she is admittedly turned on by my body. I happen to take great care of it and go the gym often. But she certainly wants to be loved completely, and deserves to be. That's why I understand the advice mentioning that I should let her go. It's just very difficult because I feel like this is a lot about me, and once I realize what's important in life, I will regret letting such a special person go.

I posted a message a couple of weeks back and want to thank all who responded for their time and insight. Basically, I was having second thoughts about my relationship with the girl I love, and the general advice was that love is a wonderful experience to cherish, and to stay with it. I realized that is true, and after asking her for a break, I realized I missed her so much and we decided to work through things together. A lot of my second guessing stems from the fact that I am beginning to realize I have my own issues to work on - for one I am a perfectionist - and I think it was affecting our relationship. She is the sweetest person, and so willing to stand by me through thick and thin. She is also beautiful. But at the risk of sounding like a total jerk, I am not crazy about her body. I see so many girls with terrific bodies, especially because it is summer, and I really desire to physically be with them. Is this normal, or will this issue persist and magnify itself over the years? I assume my girlfriend's body will only become less attractive to me over the years (and I understand even these seemingly perfect girls bodies will change too), but I am beginning to project my sexual frustration on my girlfriend in other forms - like being moody or aloof around her. It's difficult because my thoughts sway back and forth. One second, I tell my self that I love my girlfriend and am certainly attracted to her enough that I can be with her - and then next second I am telling myself I might be denying myself what seems to be a real need - that is, being with someone who really fulfills me sexually. Realistically, there are certainly girls out there who are also sweet and kind, but also have the type of beauty that fulfills my desires. Reading over this I realize I must sound so immature. And perhaps I am. But I can't deny what I am feeling and hope this forum can yield some helpful responses.

Sorry to be negative but I don't agree with the other responses, nor do I agree with you telling him. All you've done is relieved your own guilt while guising it (and apparently fooling others) with the noble quality of honesty. I think it was selfish that you told him. Not admirable. You should never have been in a situation where his friend could kiss you. Guys don't just walk around kissing girls. There is always a moment before a kiss. You put yourself in the situation (so yes, cheated is the right word), and then because of the guilt you felt you got it off your conscience by telling him. He has every right to be mad at you and his friend, and his reaction is totally acceptable. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I feel very strongly about this b/c I was that friend once. And I kissed a buddy's girlfriend. And although I fooled myself into thinking that I was honest, I told my friend and relieved my own guilt. Then I left them to pick up the pieces. Yes, honesty is a very admirable, valuable quality. But if you know you love him deep down, then perhaps honesty did not protect the feelings of the person you love, but rather protected yourself.

I can't really empathize b/c I've never been in that situation, but I can relate to the pain you are feeling from a past relationship. All I can say is that I realized eventually that a lot of the hurt wasn't so much the girl as it was my ego. Once I accepted that we obviously weren't destined to be together since she fell in love with someone else, I was able to go out and meet people. Being alone wound up being the healthiest time of my life. I am now thankful b/c I met someone who I love with all my heart (although I do miss my independence a bit as indicated on this forum - but that's another story) and loves me in return. You already recognize you are in the process. And you're right...that's what it is. Start feeling good about yourself. Don't picture her and her new boyfriend. It'll hinder the process. Be honest with yourself, and try to determine if it's missing her that hurts most, or the blow to the ego.

To answer your first question: Yes, I think many men cheat even when they are happy. From my perspective, it's because of the novelty of the experience. Men have an ability (or disability) to block out emotions and enjoy purely the physical aspect of the experience. Perhaps women do too - I just haven't met a woman like that. For me, the reason is simple. I just love women - they are shaped differently, they smell differently, they laugh differently, they engage in sexual acts differently, and so on. If my girlfriend understood this, I would probably cheat (not to say I'm a saint). But she doesn't accept that point of view, and so I don't cheat. There are all sorts of evolutionary theories that attempt to answer your question. Perhaps they are accurate. But the bottom line is we live in a society that does not accept this type of behavior. There are sub groups within our society, like swingers, that probably have a very similar outlook as I mention above and are able to maintain a healthy relationship with their loved one, even admist the experiences they engage in. I fear that in not cheating I am fighting something very natural and will begin to resent my girlfriend. "Cheating" itself is such a negative word, yet that's what society named it. Maybe it's not cheating, but really "following the rules." I think a lot of what I said goes for your question 2 as well.

I honestly don't think he's done anything wrong. Yeah, he likes the boys night out. But not necessarily for the reasons you state. If you keep this behavior up, you'll certainly scare him away. It sounds like you might have a trust issue. I think if you got to the bottom of that you might not be so worried and your relationship would benefit. Do some thinking...hey, take a girls night out!

sorry to have stuck a nerve but i can't help to feel the need to spread my seed, as you put it. just because i love her and think she has the greatest heart doesn't mean i am physically fulfilled. although she's beautiful, i am not sexually attracted to her like i am other girls. maybe that's my answer - that the relationship is not "the one" because those physical needs would be fulfilled as well as the emotional ones. that's part of my confusion. if there was a way to fast forward my entire life and in hindsight know that i will always desire other women then i would certainly "stick with what i have." but if i looked back and found that all the pieces of this relationship were not there (and in moving on i found someone who i loved as dearly and also was not so tempted by others) i would certainly be regretful.

The short of it is that I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years who I love will all my heart. But I am confused in that I really would like to be with other girls. She doesn't know this b/c I tried to convince her it's more about me needing time alone to grow as a person, which is not entirely untrue b/c it is apparent I need to figure things out. I would never cheat on her, so for better or worse, I asked for the time alone - which basically amounts to a break-up. She is not doing well, and I am sad as well. So after two weeks we saw each other and cried and hugged which inevitably led to sex - i guess the so-called "make-up sex". Now she is asking where we stand. It's very difficult b/c I know that we are right for eachother, but feel like if I get back into it again without taking this time this cycle might eventually repeat itself. On the other hand, she is so hurt and explains that she can't live in limbo like this b/c she is constantly hurting, so either she be my side during this process where I am finding myself, or she really needs to do her best to move on. In my heart I really feel like she's the one for me. She's beautiful, special, kind, and so loving and faithful. I love her. But now I feel like I need to choose her or lose her. I am very confused and do not want to end something that I really believe in. But I am afraid I will resent her if I never take this space. I want to believe in fate and tell myself that the better decision would be to take the space and let her move on, but I am so afraid of scarring our relationship forever. Any insight would be so greatly appreciated. -Jordan