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melrich

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Everything posted by melrich

  1. melrich
    I can't see why having sex early in a relationship would suggest that anymore than having sex after a month. I mean if you are talking about a one night stand then that is pretty well just sexually based but it's not a relationship as I am understanding we are talking about here. And just because someone waits a month or two is no protection against being pursued just for sex. If in that case one pesron was only in it for sex, the relationship is going to end pretty quickly after having sex whether the sex was had on the second night or the second month. I don't even get what that means.
  2. melrich
    Why would you suggest this? I can think of only two possible reasons. 1. There is a finite number of times a couple can have sex before it starts to get boring/fizzles. 2. That one or the other partner draws some inference between the having sex early in a relationship and undesirable characteristics in a person. I don't think either has any validity. I've had relationships where I've waited. I've had relationships where we has sex almost immediately (as in my current). In neither case has it had any bearing on the duration of those relationships. I don't see the connection but I could be missing your meaning.
  3. melrich
    That is not enough. On such an important issue he has a responsibility to you and your relationship to engage more than that. This is the sort of remark you'd make to car salesman pressuring you to buy a car. He may well have valid reasons. He may well have his own timetable in his head but you as his life partner deserve to know the details. He knows you want to start a family, he knows that you are anxious about it and his response is "I'm not ready"...that's it, end of conversation! Tell him you can accept that but you need to understand why and when. He is not engaging with you on this at the moment.
  4. melrich
    I'd tell them. You can't control how they are going to react but if this is to be any sort of long term relationship they are going to find out anyway. They may as well find out now.
  5. melrich
    Well again, I don't know your jurisdiction but attorneys would certainly be able to be present where I am. Do you have a free local legal service you could call and check this advice?
  6. melrich
    The really cold hard facts of life are that when you go, life does go on. In thehistory of mankind we are all but tiny tiny little blips on the radar. That can be a depressing thought. Like looking at a clear nights sky and realising that we are small on this earth but less than a speck of dust in the whole scheme of things. These things put us in our place somewhat. But you and I both know that the impact of the death of a loved one, of family, is devastatingly painful for those left behind. In your immediate sphere of influence that leaves an unfillable space. I have seen parents burst into spontaneous tears, breakdown, 20 years after the sudden passing of a son or daughter. They just never, ever forget it. They never ever get over it. So put some perspective around the other perspective. Does that make sense? I think you would get that.
  7. melrich
    Everyone reacts differently but I was very much like your husband early days. I was excited by the pregnancy but despite that and despite knowing it was real, it didn't feel real. It wasn't until about 7 months, when my partner was big and finding it hard to do things that I started to panic and have thoughts liek the ones you are having now. In my experience, the reality of pregnancy hits the mum much earlier in the pregnancy than the dad. And I agree with everyone else. Tell him your feelings. Because he will go through something similar at some point I'm sure and it will make it easier for him to talk to you about those feelings when they happen.
  8. melrich
    At 17 no one would expect you to be at peace with your place in the world or to know all the answers you need to know about yourself. You know this your time of discovery and it's your time of feeling unsure about all the conflicting thoughts in your head and it's your time of questioning why things are so. As confusing as right now may be, try and accept it for what it is, a stage in life, not a way of life.
  9. melrich
    Spa Treatmant/Massage. If you are in a big city there will often be places that specialise in these treatments for pregnant women. or maybe a house cleaning service. You know, get someone in to spring clean the house (before she starts nesting).
  10. melrich
    I'm sure it's possible but it would be rare. I don't know that NC is required but I think there should to be a period of low intensity between the end of the relationship and going to full on friendship. I am friends with each of my exes with whom I had long relationships but in each case there was alawys a period of time where we saw each other very little. I've seen it make things easier, I've seen it make things harder. Really depends on the circumstances and reasons behind the break up and the new relationship.
  11. melrich
    I think you made the right choice. A tough one but the right one for the long term.
  12. melrich
    Yeah I think sometimes just the magnitude of the whole thing can overwhelm you. And up to around the 10 - 12 week mark it is hard to actually think about it as real. Your not really showing, you have a few pregnancy symptoms but otherwise everything is going on around you pretty much as normal. I think in 7 weeks or so, when you are into second trimester things will really chrystalise for you (and you'll realise you've just signed the rest of your life over to the control of your son/daughter!!)
  13. melrich
    I think your worries and doubts are normal. My partner hated being pregnant (or she thought there was about 8 good weeks and the rest was horrible). Also with our first we were terrified by the prospect of having to look after a baby, would we be good at it, would the baby love us (!!!), what if this happened or that happened. Until you have a baby you don't realise how self centred you have been in you life up to that moment (I don't mean that in a bad way) and that takes some adjusting. Suddenly you have this human being that is 100% reliant on you just to survive. That is a pretty big responsibility to get used to.
  14. melrich
    You look healthy and great. That is a lot. It won't affect you now, or for quite a while but if you do that much unsupervised running over a long period it may give you knee and back problems as you get older. It may be better to do more cross training by including swimming or some other low impact exercise.
  15. melrich
    When you talk about financial matters, what are you exactly talking about? Is it property and joint investmenst or is it everday possessions? How long were you together and what was your marital status?
  16. melrich
    I'd be getting another legal opinion.
  17. melrich
    Where do you live? In Australia, the value of the house (or any assets of the marriage) would be as the were at the time of financial settlement, not at the time of seperation. That would make no sense. Just because you leave a house you jointly own does not seem logical that only one party should pick up the value of appreciation on the property. Are you confident your lawyer is giving you the right advice?
  18. melrich
    How old are you? I guess unless you are 15 maybe 16 the your best course is to stay away from her. Don't put yourself in a position where the decision becomes more difficult for you.
  19. melrich
    Yeah I think a lot of "dumpers" do this. My marriage was a lot like you describe your relationship. I was really caught up trying to establish a career and we had moved to a different city and all sorts of stuff I though was important at the time was going on. About the only thing that wasn't going on was my marriage. The one thing I so vividly remember when she told me the marriage was over were words to the effect that for her the marriage had ended 6 months ago and she had been planning this moment since then. She said she had shed her tears already. I think it is very rare, in a relationship of any duration that one person decides to end it and does so in the space of the week.
  20. melrich
    LOL...or you could condense my essay into Dako's 4 sentences.
  21. melrich
    I think it is probably as she is telling you, or at least that is as well as she can verbalise it. As for your not seeing the signs, I wish I had a dollar for everytime I have heard that. From what you posted you have been in your own funk and I don't think you were probably aware of a lot of what was going on around you. I always think of even the strongest relationships being very brittle. There is a certain "spell" over you when you are in a relationship, especially early days. It blinds you to a lot of things and it makes relationships work despite the monumental difficulty of finding two human beings who are truly compatable. Once there is a crack in that spell, it's like a light being turned on. The person no longer looks at their partner the same way. This usually triggers a long period of decline for that person. A period during which they will plan the end of the relationship, they will grieve it, they will form a mindset that it is over and then they will tell the other person, who is often totally blindsided. Often I see during this period the person will go to great lengths to behave like everything is just fine and dandy. Why did she wait until you gave her segue into ending the relationship? Probably because she was scared. It is a big hairy thing to bring up. It's not an easy or pleasant thing to do. She probably planned it and put it off a number of times. My guess is she's spent a lot of time thinking about this whilst you have been dealing with your own issues.
  22. melrich
    Well you can almost always do it but the cost may be another job, less time to study, less time to socialise. I remember when I moved out at 19 it was with 3 other students with borrowed furniture and into a typical student squat. I had no money but I could make enough to pay rent and buy beer. You can always do it. But it may not be possible that you do it the way you fanasize doing it (place of your own surrounded by nice new furniture). If you want to do it badly enough you'll find a way and you'll compromise your circumstances.
  23. melrich
    This is really missing my point. I also don't know whether this relationship will work or not. I also think his email was well written. I also think she responded badly and maybe selfishly. I also don't think he should apologise nor back down. My point is this. Most of the advice has been to not repond to her until Sunday (which would have been 4 days since the last contact). That is don't answer her calls, don't respond to texts, don't respond to emails. Now however you want this thing to work out, my feeling is you don't just shut someone out like that. Especially someone you are in love with. She may well have seen the error of her ways, she may well not have. But do you punish her for having the feelings she had or responding to those feelings in the way she did. I don't think this was an issue to let someone stew on (I think very few are). On the 4 and a half months issue. It's a bit like how long is a piece of string. I know people who are closer after 4 and a half months than people who have been together for 10 years. Thing is, after 4 and a half months her head was at a point where she wanted to marry the guy. We can all have our opinions on whether that was appropriate or not but that is where her head was at. And she was disappointed that he was not quite at the same place. That part I can understand. I think her email response that caused all teh hoo ha was out of line but i don't think it was that great a crime that you shut her down for 4 days.
  24. melrich
    I guess at the end of the day the reason most people move out of the family home is because they want their own space and have outgrown living with the family. Invariably it almost always comes down to that issue of cost vs reward.
  25. melrich
    As a starting point I think your SO is ideally also your best friend. Over and above the things you would want in a friendship would include physical attraction, some chemistry/sparks, a sense of partnership in your life that goes deeper than everyday friendships do.
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