michelemybell

I've been reading your postings and your last one kind of revealed a lot. You're with a new girl and you've exchanged rings in a week? Well, I think you're like a lot of people. It seems you like that "high" of a new relationship. When the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship ends and things start getting stale, it's always more exciting to go out and find someone new. Inevitably the same thing will happen in this new relationship---just give it some time. Hopefully both of you will be in the same frame of mind to work through the boredom when it sets in, as well as the everyday strain of a relationship---otherwise one of you will be left behind. Hope it's not you!!

kittykat, I know exactly what you're going through because I'm going through the same thing. My story is very similar to yours. And it hurts a lot. I know there's nothing anyone can tell you to erase your feelings. It's not easy to "just forget about him". I'm sure your boyfriend cared a lot about you and probably did love you. He just couldn't meet your expectations. The thing is, nothing is wrong with your expectations---don't ever lower them! In my situation (and yours may be the same), I put expectations on my ex that he could not meet. Those expectations were to spend some time with me, be responsible with his behavior, and to treat me with more respect. Those were not unreasonable expectations, but he could not meet them. I could blame myself for making these expectations, but I wouldn't be happy just accepting the way things were. It was easier for my ex to leave than to change. Maybe he will change for someone else, or maybe someone else will accept him just the way he is. Who knows. It's been three months since I last talked to my ex. He broke up with me and cut contact. After about a month I think he was inching to be my friend again but it was very sketchy and I was on an emotional rollercoaster hoping things would change---but there were hints he was starting to see someone else. I finally shut all contact with him and his friends----hardest thing I ever did. I've been trying to keep busy with things even though it is so hard. I think about him all the time. I wonder if I was really to blame and I'm just an awful person. But I also remember that it takes two to make or break a relationship. For everytime you may have done something wrong, your ex did too. So don't blame yourself. No one, including your ex, is completely error free in the relationship. He just didn't apologize like you did for him. But I try to remember (and you need to also) that a lot of people have gone through the same thing---think Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyn Stefani, Halle Berry, Darryl Hannah, Madonna, Princess Di and many more: I read that all these strong, beautiful women were unceremoniously "let go" or cheated on by someone "special" at one time in their lives. Follow their example and try to focus on yourself for a change and make a difference. Think about things you can do for yourself (how about a new haircut, manicure, pedicure, new clothes); and things you put off (I found that I put off a lot of goals and going back to school when I was dating my guy). Try something you've thought about doing but never did. And don't worry if you think about your ex while you're doing these things. You're just normal. Well, I rambled on here. I hope this helped a little.

Whoa! Reborn, what you wrote is exactly what I'm going through right now---the same feelings, the same highs and lows. I can totally relate. Everything was right on what you wrote. I guess feel reassured that there are others out there going through what you are right now. You are definitely NOT ALONE! My ex and I were in love...or so I thought because one day he decided it was over and I haven't heard from him since (2 1/2 months ago)--except scraps here and there through his roommate. It was basically the same thing as you and your ex---he needed more space and I was a bit more controlling (or more like I wanted a commitment and he wanted his freedom). Same as you, I wonder if I really did something so bad and that is why he could just end it and move on and I'm left here to suffer. I wonder if he ever thinks of me at all. I don't want him to suffer, but it would be nice if he felt just an ounce of guilt or remorse or any feeling. Maybe he does. I don't know. Keep on posting here---you don't know how much it helps to read your story and get strength from it.

Bryan, your advice is right on. Mine is the same story, but I'm a female and my ex-boyfriend did something similar to me. I agree with you Bryan about the reassurance thing think there are just some really insecure people in general that need constant attention--unfortunately they have to do it through having people attracted to them all the time---and sleeping with them to prove it. (Women might be more prone to this because society in general puts a lot of emphasis on a womans looks.) Ultimately they should seek recognition through their accomplishments, but some people don't get this concept ever (or until their sex appeal or looks begin to wear off!) Bzborow1, it sucks that you had to deal with all of this especially prior to open-heart surgery! And no, you are not overreacting. There's just people out there who really aren't compassionate when it comes to these things--and have no problem breaking other's hearts (no pun intended). If she was mature, she would've slowly worked with you through the breakup to make it easier for the both of you. Unfortunately a cheater doesn't think along these lines--just what pleases them at the moment. Give it time--she'll be trying to find another guy pretty soon or begging for you back. Don't resort yourself to being her backup plan---people like her know you're the good guy probably waiting for them patiently with open arms. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction unless she plans on being committed to YOU 100% (and she better prove it big time!)

He may have just forgot to erase it (though if he broke up with you and is so mad, this doesn't make sense).....BUT it's highly likely he somehow stays in touch this way to you--this is a way for him to know that you're still around. He probably likes to receive your messages and knows that you still care for him. He may have some anger issues to deal with still...or is guilty for what he did... and doesnt know what to say now or how to express it. Are you hoping he might come back into the picture? If so, eventually you'll have to make a decision whether you want to wait indefinitely for him or take him off of your contact list. Waiting in anticipation for him to change his mind can be a total drag----I went through it myself with my ex. I finally deleted my account and opened up a new one that no one surrounding him knows. It was hard to do.

Well, first questions to you are how long have you been seeing this guy, where do you live now, and have you dated each other a lot in person? Did you establish a relationship with him while living close to each other or has it always been long distance? Also, if you are moving out there, will you be moving in with him? If your relationship has been long distance during most of its duration than you don't really know the guy well enough---you may think you do, but trust me, you haven't seen the entire deal yet until you're with this person all the time in the flesh. I would strongly suggest if you decide to move to New York to not move in with him and have your own place while dating. If something goes wrong in the relationship you might be stuck---and New York is not the place you want to be stuck!!

The sweetest revenge is moving on with your life successfully and not looking back---showing that you can move on without her. Do well in school and/or your job. Live passionately. Look good. It's always nice if your ex can see your efforts, but even if she doesn't---you'll know it in your own mind that youre doing good.

I like the responses you received so far. My story is the same as Caliboy (and I'm a Caligirl!) I'm in the same situation as you, but I've recently realized something and it's made a world of difference---Don't shoulder all the blame. If you do, you'll be racked with guilt. You are making her sound like a princess in all of this, and not giving her fair share of blame. I know you are looking at her with rosy-colored glasses right now, but to me she kinda sounds like a b****! My problem with my ex was that he could do a million things that were shitty and never once apologized. (I was always apologizing for him for being upset at his shitty behavior) But for me I was constantly walking on eggshells trying to be perfect----and when my halo slipped he didn't stand by me. (And if you compared my ex and I, you would wonder why I would've stayed with him for so long---ahhhh, it's nice to be at that point where I can say that!) Right now you are replaying scenes in your head and it's driving you crazy. But you will get to the point where you'll realize you did the right things given the circumstances. You sound like a great guy---stand tall and don't apologize (unless you are a true asshole, but I highly doubt it. And if you made mistakes, you're like the rest of us---HUMAN!!!) The only way to speed up the process is to cut all contact---and that's hard to do. It took me weeks and weeks to do. But it will make you feel a whole lot better and in control.

Hi Sabena, If you feel that something is wrong, I would trust your instinct. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my ex, who said I was paranoid and all that for being suspicious and made sure I wouldn't break up with him-----but after he broke up with me, I found out everything I suspected was true! Of course, your boyfriend might be completely innocent but if he was considerate of your feelings he would do everything to reassure you that he is committed to you and understands that this makes you uncomfortable----and honestly stop seeing or talking to her!! How would he feel if you were talking and seeing your ex? Has he ever let you watch while he is texting or emailing his ex? Does he let you read his email? Would he be willing to meet his ex when he is with you?

Don't be too hard on yourself. There might have been a reason you were acting the way you were towards him. You mentioned that he is stubborn and doesn't show his feelings. That can be frustrating. You may have just been reacting to the way he was acting. My ex was like your boyfriend and everytime I tried to talk to him about how I felt, he wouldn't want to discuss it. Of course in response I acted frustrated toward him, which further drove him away. It's a vicious cycle. I know this is hard, but you need to step away from this relationship a bit and concentrate on yourself and boosting your self-confidence. How? By having goals and outside interests that distract you from concentrating only on him and how he's feeling. You will also realize that maybe you've unfairly blaming yourself on what is a two-way street.

You sound like a good guy---and I think it takes a lot to admit your weakness and want to work on it. Most people don't acknowledge their weaknesses or care enough to want to do anything about it. You have a conscience at least! I read your post and boy, can I relate! My boyfriend and I broke up about two months ago basically because I snapped at him. Granted, some of the things he did were kinda irritating or made me insecure. But, I was beginning to fly off the hook and then apologize afterwards quite often. Sometimes I would wonder afterwards why I acted the way I did. And like you, I think it was a lot of stress---I had a stressful job, and at the same time I was planning on moving cross-country to be with him permanently. Also I was insecure about a lot of things in our relationship. No exscuse I know, but I wished he would've understood this too. His response was to cut me off everytime I did it and not talk to me for days. The last time I snapped at him (about money that he owed me and wasn't paying), I called to apologize but he said if he allowed it to continue it would happen again and again. Then he cut it off cold turkey with me--it's been two months since I talked to him. Maybe it was for the best since I need to come to terms with why I snapped all the time. Unfortunately he wasn't willing to at least be my friend while I was working through this. And I'm depressed, but I made it a point to work on this problem---even if he decides not to come back in my life. Like you, I wrote a letter explaining all of this, but I heard no response. I feel a lot of guilt everyday, but I can't undue my mistakes. I can only own up to my mistakes, and work on myself to be a better person. I think there's another issue here too----I don't think what you did was sooo seriously wrong. Bad moods and fights happen and a good loving partner will work with you through this no matter what (unless of course there's physically or intense verbal abuse---which doesn't sound like anything you did). It doesn't sound like she wanted to deal with the stress of a relationship---she'll find out that no relationship is free from fights or bad moods.

I am in the same boat---my ex broke up with me and for the past two months I contacted him, begged him, etc. etc. Then something odd happened about two weeks ago---it finally sunk it and asked "why am I putting my life on hold for this jerk?" I don't need to beg to no one, and neither should you. My plan: I've decided to go on a two-month hiatus from him (absolutely no contact)---and focus on Me, Me, Me. I knew if I said no contact forever it wouldn't work, but two-months was doable. It sounds very selfish, but I gave so much to him for so long. When I committed myself to this goal of self-improvement I have found that I'm a lot happier---and I feel like I'm on this "high". I want to do good, I want to be a better person. I swing back to a low sometimes at night, but it's a far cry from where I was a couple weeks ago. You will have some lows but stay focused on what you're doing now and move more toward that "high". It feels great! Remember, you should never let anyone make you feel down about yourself!

I'm in the same situation as you---my story is a bit different but the key elements are the same. Like me, you've become emotionally dependent on this person--and it hurts to know that he is going to others when he said you're the one. Two things you should do: 1) Don't put all your emotional needs into this one person---I know this is hard to do but really try to hard to do other things for yourself--not your husband, not anyone but YOURSELF. Do some self-improvement things. Don't just think about it---sign up NOW for something, go shopping, whatever right now!! Find a club in your area and just attend one meeting. Find other things to do! Make sure it's all about YOU, YOU, YOU!! 2) Give the relationship a break for a while----I have put myself on a two-month hiatus from any contact with my guy. It hurts like hell, but I did it for myself. It's really hard to only rely on yourself for a change. But strangely, I'm beginning to feel I need him less and I don't have as strong of an urge to contact him. When I do, I come to this board (and others similar to this on the Net) and read and share my thoughts until the urge goes away. If you decide to start talking to your guy again, you will have a whole different mindset if you just take a break for awhile.

I am in the same situation as your ex----so maybe I can give you some perspective from the other side. She is hurting right now because obviously it is a shock to her---you already had time to deal with the fact that it was over for you (you already prepared yourself mentally for this even while you were still with her), but to her it's all new and she's going to have a ton of questions--and she's going to your family to get at least some perspective on the situation. The person she needs to be talking to is YOU. I think you can answer a lot of questions by just being as honest as possible---even if you think you're hurting her feelings. Most people who do the breaking up will just end it cold turkey (thinking that they don't want to give false hope to their ex or their afraid to confront their ex). My ex cut me off cold turkey, but he told everyone else that it wasn't me, it was something that he was going through---and I tried fishing around for any answer from anyone I could talk to. If he could just be there and be supportive and answer my questions. I could handle it better and accept the fact that we are just friends. At least it would help me move on without having all these lingering questions that seem to be holding me back. I think you'll feel better too if you end your relationship, but still remain on friendly terms with your ex.

When I read your post I had to write---you seem like a good guy and just have gone through a lot. I greatly admire you for hanging in there. Life can be shitty and throw a lot of curves. You've been through a lot, but I think those experiences have actually made you a stronger and braver person---I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's very true. You're just feeling down right now---but your experiences will help tremendously now to give you the willpower to boost yourself up again and be stronger. Understandably you lost sight of your goals in life---but I know you have it in you to get back on track. It's hard to focus when you're down. Going online and meeting someone is an easy distraction--and will make you feel good temporarily. I did so myself when I was down and life got hard----it felt good for awhile, but eventually went shitty and now I'm back to square one. You'll basically put your life in their hands---without directly dealing with yourself. You'll be at the mercy of their moods. I did the same thing with my online guy---paranoid of him meeting someone new, etc. because basically I put all my stock into him to make me happy. I let all my goals die out because things started getting hard and I lost focus--he was an easy distraction and what I thought was the answer to my problems. Try not to go that route! I know it's hard--it can be like an addiction, but the less you invest yourself in this person the better you will feel. YOU can only make YOU happy. My advice to you is take pen and paper and write a list of all the things you STILL want to do with your life---your career goals, your fitness goals, things you want to do. Make a plan of action. Try to distract yourself from going online all the time and chatting. If you find yourself doing it, come to this site and read the posts here and write your feelings here. Also, answer posts from people here---I think you can offer people good advice about things you have been through. And please, please dont ever say the world would be better without you---you have a lot to offer this world. You just have to realize it more often.

I've had a very similar experience. I read your post and thought I'd reply. I dated my boyfriend for about a year---we live in different states so there was a lot I didn't know and had to find it out second-hand from his family or my friends that he talked to. I confronted him several times but he said he had it under control and didn't have a problem anymore. He is addicted to painkillers (oxycontin, Loratabs, Xanex)---he had a problem when we met, but again, he said he had it under control and all that was in the past. I found out that he continued to take them. One day I called him and he just seemed like a different person---very nasty. His mom told me that he doing his drugs. I got upset at him and to make a long story short, we broke up. He wanted me to mind my own business even though it was affecting our relationship. My advice to you---tell him you're there for him, but remember he might often put his drugs before you. Really reconsider having a relationship with him if that's what you want. If you choose to stay with him, expect many situations similar to what you said in your post. You'll often feel like the "other woman" to his drug habit. You're not going to be able to change him----I thought my boyfriend would change, but ultimately he chose his drugs and mistook my concern for him as nagging. His friend died in front of him when they were taking drugs---did that stop him? No, in fact I heard he's doing more now than before, but he says he has it "under control". He looks awful and the last time I saw him he smelled, he hasn't worked for a year and has no plans to work--he plays video games most of the day and spends his money on drugs when his children (with another woman) are living on welfare. I knew this guy had a problem from day one and I wanted to take care of him and thought he would change with my help. He didn't. I had to realize that it's his life and ultimately he has to make the decision to change. I know you care for your friend a lot. But I would just be really careful if your guy is not seriously doing anything to change----just be wary if he says he has it "under control".

Whatever you do don't call him!! I was with my boyfriend for over a year and we were just about to move in together. I started calling him more often---just wanted to hear his voice and see what he was doing. Instead of telling me that I shouldn't call him so much, he just acted annoyed---so what did I do?? Like a fool I called him more because I started questioning our relationship and needed to talk to him--I just wanted him to tell me everything was okay and that he loved me. Instead, he just seemed more annoyed and didn't want to talk. He kept on saying that he wasn't sure if things were working out, but he wasn't sure ( I didn't understand that since everything was so perfect before!). I called even more--I got more upset and we started fighting a lot----then one day he said he didn't want to see me anymore. He told my friend that he got annoyed with me by all my calling and pestering him. Now I miss him terribly but he won't talk to me at all. It's been two months since we broke up--and we still haven't talked at all. I wish I could take back the past (and he wasn't completely innocent himself, but I contributed a lot to our breakup as well), but all I can do now is pass on my experience. As much as you want to call him, try to do something that will distract you---go for a walk, take a bath, spill your guts out here, etc. Trust me, he will start to wonder more what you're up to and call you. I promise. Whenever I didn't call my ex is when he called me----unfortunately I didn't control myself that often. I wish I did. You are definitely not crazy, just a little insecure like I was. I wish I had more of a life where I didn't care. Make sure you don't make the same mistake!!