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michelemybell

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  1. michelemybell
    Don't beat yourself up. I think everyone has made contact with their ex after they were suppose to do NC. But we've all learned that it's just completely hard to still talk to someone when you want more from them and they are talking to you in a nonchalant friendly way with no emotions really attached to it. It's heartbreaking because you are realizing that it's really over and yes, there is nothing you can do to change their mind. NC kinda prevents this tug-of-war with your emotions. You wont get that feeling anymore everytime you talk to her. NC is really really tough but if you control your impulse everytime you want to talk to her, it will start getting easier and easier. It's like an addiction--You just have to get over that initial withdrawal and it gradually gets easier. The good news is that even if it may be hopeless with your ex, it is really not the end of the world. You're just not seeing it right now. Right now you are probably thinking that you can't ever live without this person in your life--that life will be one depressing day after another without her. Once you start really getting back into your own life, you will find out life is pretty sweet and that there is so much more outside of this one girl. I honestly thought I'd die without my ex in my life. I just decided one day that I can't keep on going back anymore and I forced myself to move on even though I was dying inside. And honestly I can say that even though it was one of the worst experiences in my life, it ended up to be the best thing that ever happened to me. It gave me the push to kickstart a new and awesome life. The same thing can happen to you. You just have to be willing to let go. At least make a deal with yourself---Say for the next two weeks you wont talk to her at all. Do everything in your power to stick with it even if you feel like you're going crazy if you dont. Post here instead. Do something else.
  2. michelemybell
    Hi there, Im sorry for what you are going through. A breakup can be extremely difficult--as you are already figuring out! The point of NC on your part has many benefits. It allows the other person to miss your presense...and that might ultimately drive them back to you. Right now, she can not be with you but since you are there all the time she doesn't have to miss a thing. She knows you'll always be there. People want what they can't have---If she thinks there is a chance you wont always be there, she'll most likely change her mind. That's why it is imperative you go to NC. That means complete NC. Even if she contacts you, you dont answer. That means you dont wish her happy birthday and you dont take her calls. You ignore her IMs and you definitely dont respond. You dont have to do this forever. Just long enough until you can get your feet back on the ground. This can take months. No contact sounds like its being cruel, but you have to consider this: SHE LEFT YOU. The problem is if you stay in contact, she figures you will always be there at her call. She will most likely date other guys, but always know you will be there in her life and know that if things dont work out with the other guys, she can come back to you (This is insulting to you--You become nothing but a backup plan). She will have her cake and eat it too...and you will be heartbroken even more. No contact is imperative too for another reason--You can start getting back into your own life and not feeling so dependent on what her feelings are at any given moment. You will also free up your time to do hobbies, work on your career, start a business..whatever---That in itself will make you an even more attractive person to a lot of females out there. Your ex will also see you in a completely new light and realize what she is missing. And if not, you will be in a better place anyways. You might even get to a point where you dont want her in your life!!!! So ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT. NOT EVEN A LITTLE CONTACT! Keep us posted on what you end up doing! Michele
  3. michelemybell
    Awwwwwww, young love!! Well, it sounds like there is interest on both sides but obviously it wont go beyond anything unless you take action. Otherwise it will stay a crush and drive you crazy. At least by taking a more forward approach you can finally see if it is real or not. Next time you are in the restaurant and ordering, stop and look confused about all the choices. Then ask him what he recommends. Or ask him about a particular meal. Just ask a lot of questions in response to his answers. That way you can actually have a conversation with him. Force yourself not to run away again because he will just think you are immature...and then you'll be crushed and your whole life will be ruined! Just kidding! Who knows if this will end up in a relationship, but you can always be friends.
  4. michelemybell
    I agree with Ilse. You say you're going to give her the boot, but she has never seen it for real. I know it's really hard, but you might end up saving her life even if you end up losing her. She may see what she is losing and change her ways. Unfortunately you may have to stay away from her for a very long time so she can feel the effect of the loss and make decisions to change her life. I have a friend who was married to a man she really loved but he was an alcoholic. She walked away from the relationship--and he became sober the day she left because he actually saw what his alcoholism was doing to his life and what he was losing. My friend decided to not return to him though because she was afraid he would revert back to his former ways. She ended up marrying someone else, but her ex still remains clean to this day. I say give her the boot today. Walk away. You will probably save her in the process. If not, then at least you'll be saving yourself from an ultimately destructive person and relationship. Take care. I know this has got to be tough on you. Michele
  5. michelemybell
    Whoa Kuhl, that was a great post!!!
  6. michelemybell
    Does this guy do it all the time or was this a one time thing? If he's only done this once, then laugh it off. Everyone does stupid stuff. However, he drove drunk and that isn't cool. You may have to be the bigger friend here and not drink when you are with him---just to make sure he gets home safely--and doesn't kill people along the way. By the way, who are the people that let him drive home that way? If he constantly gets drunk and does stupid things, then I'd say the guy can't control his drinking. You can blow him off, or sit him down and say hey, you have a drinking problem and something needs to be done about it. Maybe try to avoid doing things that involve a lot of drinking. Or maybe not drink too much yourself so you dont encourage him. Just my two cents!
  7. michelemybell
    Yep, I agree with the other posters. It's all mind games, and it will drive you crazy if you allow it. Go into NO CONTACT mode with her now (dont answer her calls, etc) and get on with your own life. She has no respect for your feelings and is only thinking about herself. This isn't fair to you. You are better than that and deserve much more. Also keep in mind that the anxiety and stress she causes you by playing these games can cause heart disease, high blood pressure and a host of other problems that can kill you at a young age. Think of yourself and your health here. Avoid her games!
  8. michelemybell
    I think most of us know instinctively that the person we are with is bad news and something isn't right but we let our heart take over instead of listening to our brain. Dont beat yourself up over it and dont consider it wasted time. You need experiences like that to learn from, and life would be dull if it was just a linear straight line. It will make you wiser in your next relationship. You say she has no respect for your feelings, she's conceited and even flirts with guys just to get free drinks. Is this the kind of person you want to have in your life and being married to and raising your children? Do you want to feel crappy for the rest of your living days with a person like this? Consider this breakup a blessing. You are unable to see it now, but you have been spared a miserable life with someone who isn't that nice, isn't reliable and trustworthy. Right now its your heart and ego talking, and that's going to take some time to get over. This is what kinda got me through my own breakup. Sit down and write out all the things you want to do with your life--your goals/aspirations, things you'd like to change, things you've always wanted to do but never did. Then write out a plan of action and go do them! Even if you are depressed, action comes before the motivation. It will change the way you feel. I guarantee it. You will feel more powerful in your life, rather than powerless to your ex. Hope this helps a little. Michele
  9. michelemybell
    You'll have thoughts, dreams, flashbacks...the whole nine yards after a breakup. It's just normal. If I had something magic to give you to make it all go away, I'd bottle it and sell it on ebay. But the fact is there is nothing that will make those feelings and emotions go away. It's the normal process of letting go of something you really care about. You just gotta put yourself now on a higher pedestal than you have put her on, and take care of yourself...even if you dont feel like it. Trust me, you'll look back on this time one day and wish you didn't waste so much time not doing anything because of this girl. I also have a feeling that once you start doing your own thing (even if you still have thoughts about her) and dont always cave in when she wants you to, she'll then be wondering why you are showing as much interest in her and come sniffing around. Definitely watch the movie "Swingers" (It's based around the theme of swing dancing). The movie deals with a guy who is going through the same thing as you and how he got out of it. Anyways, hang in there. You are just going through the worst part. It gets better. Michele
  10. michelemybell
    I think you have the same problem that most people have--especially on this board! When you're in a relationship and you want that person, they dont really want you...and when the other person really likes you, you dont want them. I think the only time when people seem to be on the same wavelength is during the honeymoon stage of a relationship. A relationship will last if two people can work through those normal ebbs and flows of interest/disinterest. Married people go through the same thing---They dont always love the person they are with 100% of the time. But successful couples just learn to deal with it together. They dont run away. Dont worry--You are still really young. You will meet someone and it will work for both of you.
  11. michelemybell
    I can totally relate Rosa. Same thing happened to me. Your post reminded me of the actress Naomi Watts. I was reading in the news about her and how she was going out with the actor Heath Ledger for a couple of years, and how they broke up because he was a player and didn't want to settle down and get married and have children. He kept on talking marriage, they were even moving in with each other, but he wasn't ready. Then, a couple months after they broke up, he started dating another actress (Michelle Williams) and now they are expecting a baby?! Talk about a slap in the face! I think all you can do is try to look at it from this perspective---You said that you were the nice one in the relationship. Your ex was most likely a jerk. I think you're idealizing the relationship you had because it probably never got past the good stage for you. If the relationship had lasted, that jerky behavior would've become annoying and depressing for you, and you would've ended up like those old haggard women wondering what happened to your life and always trying to fix him. Blah! I know it's hard to fathom it, but he would've brought you down. He isn't "better" than you (in fact, probably quite the opposite) but I think you've put him and his new relationship on quite a pedestal. Since the same thing happened to me, I know it's hard to get out of that mindset. What truly helps is making your own life truly spectacular so his doesn't seem so great in your mind. It takes a lot of work to get there. But once you do, I'm thinking your ex will look at you and think that he is the dumbest fool ever to have let you go. If your current boyfriend is an awesome guy, try really hard to put him more on a pedestal. And trust me, your ex is having those same "dumb fights" with his fiance. By the way, that phrase is actually "what comes around goes around" and it has to do with karma. It will apply more to your ex than to you. If he was a bad guy in the relationship, I'm sure he has a lot of negative energy around him and eventually all of that will come back to bite him the butt. One more piece of advice: You need to stop talking to your ex. No contact is the only way to get back into your own life and take him off the pedestal (in the process, he will wonder about you more and put you on that pedestal). Anyways, I hope that helps a little bit! Michele
  12. michelemybell
    It just takes a strong will. And each time you get that urge to contact her, distract yourself into something else quickly. That urge will pass. If you feel like you can't function, therapy is always a wise choice. But if that isn't possible, just make yourself keep a schedule and do things even if you dont feel like it. Action should come before the motivation to do something. Just remember that you're going through the worst part right now. Just grin and bear it, go through all the emotions. You'll come out the other end of the tunnel soon. Trust me on this one!
  13. michelemybell
    Hi Brown Eyes, I would absolutely NOT send a letter. You would obviously want a response from your letter, and most likely wont give it once again and it'll only make you more upset. I very much know how much you want some sort of explanation, something from him...but sometimes you just got to accept that there is no closure in a situation like this. And, you have to accept that if he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you when he is ready. He knows where to reach you. Sometimes sending reminders to the person who broke up with you sends them a message that you're still waiting around for them and they take you for granted. Do the opposite (true NC) and you have a better chance. He'll probably wonder what happened to you and contact you himself. Take care, Michele
  14. michelemybell
    Okay, I'm tired of giving breakup advice, so I thought I'd give my two cents here! As far as shorts, I love the look of long shorts on a guy---khaki long shorts are cute. That J. Crew pic you showed is a great length, just it should be in a neutral color. Jeans are great on a guy--Just get a good belt if you get baggy or low-riding jeans and wearing them outside. There was a guy I worked with that wore low-riding jeans and his butt crack showed---NOT CUTE ON A GUY OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM. It looked like he was trying too hard to be sexy. Hey, I have black rimmed glasses!! They can look good on certain faces, but I dont wear them all the time. I prefer contact lenses and a good pair of sunglasses (Maui Jims are my favorite).
  15. michelemybell
    Hi smallworld, That is quite a story!! You were doing so well too! It's hard to get over a heartbreak. It can last for years, sometimes a lifetime. I think you handled everything well, and I dont blame you one bit for not wanting to go to the wedding. My advice to you is if you really want to leave the past in the past, then be honest again with your husband--That this guy really hurt you at one time and that you feel very uncomfortable around him. Your husband has to understand that. Then again, sometimes confronting the situation and the person (with confronting, I just mean seeing him once again) might actually make the situation less powerful over you. You may find that you really have no interest left in this person when you actually are around him again. Be wary though--This guy might want to start something with you. Who knows. Then again, he may just want friends for him and his wife. If you really think that seeing him again will get you upset or may make you do things that you might regret, then stay away from this man. Just be blunt with your husband. Take care, Michele
  16. michelemybell
    Hi Ated, I definitely agree with you about the convention. Or maybe some kind of breakup retreat spa where you get manicures and pedicures and do fun outdoorsy stuff like rock climbing or surfing to give that extra boost of confidence and happy endorphins! I just looked at how old you are Ated---You are way too young to be dealing with this kind of stuff!! But ya know what? If you can learn a few lessons now and avoid the same stuff again, you wont be dealing with this kind of stuff when youre older. And hopefully I dont sound like your mom (I'm 34), but do focus on school and college and have hobbies---This will ultimately be your saving grace in life when times get tough. You know whose story is really interesting? Gwen Stefani (she's 36!). She was your age when she experienced a devastating breakup. She wrote about it, and those songs ended up on No Doubts albums. But she perservered, made a name for herself, and ended up marrying hottie Gavin Anyways, I'm babbling. Hang in there girl. You will be okay! Trust me!! Michele
  17. michelemybell
    Hi Ated, I'm glad my post helped. I soooo know what you are going through. I went out with a guy exactly like your ex. I was always suspicious, always looking over my back. And all my suspicions were right...but of course at the time I was told that it was just me being paranoid and clingy. I was even suspicious of his best friend's girlfriend and was told by her "He totally wants me but I would never go out with him because he's disgusting". Sure enough, they ended up sleeping together too! (She ended up going back to her boyfriend and having a baby--These people are truly pathetic!) All I can say is try not to take it personally or that something is wrong with you. It's easy to fall into that trap. It's more of a reflection on your ex than anything else. It seems to me he likes the conquest more than anything, and that has to do with his low self-esteem and low regard for himself. He needs constant reassurance, and even if you are the most special and wonderful person, he still needs convincing by many women that he is special. I'll bet you a million dollars it wont last with the new girl either. And if it does, she'll be looking over her back constantly because he'll do the same thing to her. Who wants to live like that anyways?! We have one life to live here and to constantly be paranoid and depressed is no way to live. I know it hurts though--I know it's hard not to think of the good times. But just know that others have gone through this as well. Go rent Legally Blonde (the first movie)--It's a great pick me up when you're feeling down about some guy like your ex. You take care, Michele
  18. michelemybell
    No contact is a great way for her to learn what she has lost. But you are always there when she wants. How can she ever realize that? When she knows she can't get you so easily and you become scarce, she will value you more. Sounds strange I know, but it absolutely works that way. Right now she is probably snickering inside, thinking "oh he wants me so bad". Show her otherwise. Have a life completely outside of her. I'm sure she'll be sniffing around in no time. If she doesn't, then at least you've built a life outside of her, which is wonderful regardless. Unfortunately if she comes around to her senses, there's no guarantee that she wont bail again. That's what stinks about this kind of relationship. You can never fully trust that the other person wont bail again. With this in mind, you have to really think about whether you seriously want someone, who is willing to walk away from you just like that, back into your life. I think you deserve better than that. Michele
  19. michelemybell
    whoops, I meant maintain no contact otherwise!
  20. michelemybell
    Hi Sandra, You didn't say whether who broke up with who, or who initiated the breakup. Am I correct in saying that you broke up with her? Either way, a breakup is hard. There were obviously good things about her that you will miss. But I think it is wise that you are no longer in the relationship (whether you wanted to end it or not) because she has a lot of issues to deal with. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is a partier and on drugs You are going to grieve this "unhealthy" relationship and it's going to take time. I think one of the hardest parts of a breakup is dealing with the fact that you might not see that person again. I think she is probably grappling with that same thought. You might want to look at this as temporary, and maybe after some time has passed you can consider being friends again. That might offer some consolation with the "finality" aspect of it all. You might want to express this to her. But in the meantime, maintain other contact, take good care of yourself, get involved with activities, and surround yourself with family and friends. Take good care, Michele
  21. michelemybell
    You answered your own question. Because you are a fantasy relationship. With you, he doesn't have to deal with the normal everyday stuff and the stress that comes with a real committed relationship and marriage. He doesnt have an obligation to take care of you; with her he does and that is stressful and a pain in the rear at times. You're an escape to him. If it were "real" with you, he'd find an escape with someone else.
  22. michelemybell
    Hi There, Nothing is wrong with you. Someone you cared about hurt you. What you are experiencing is a normal reaction, which most of us here have gone through. Sometimes it can take years to recover (hopefully that wont be the case, but it does happen). Just try to take care of yourself and do things. Dont wait until that monkey is off your back. If you're religious or spiritual, try to look at it this way. Somebody was looking after you and knew this wasn't right for you. That Somebody wants you to be happy and knew this woman wasn't making you feel right in a good way. That Somebody intervened and saved you. Take care, Michele
  23. michelemybell
    sdguy, I definitely agree with the other posters. Stop all contact now!!! I think just about every one of us on here has gone through this situation at one time of our lives and yes, it is very depressing. The only thing, and yes, I mean the only thing that worked to get out of the "funk" you're in is to go to no contact. If you're always in this girl's face, she doesn't have a chance to actually miss you and appreciate you. And, if you are constantly all over this girl, you can't take care and work on yourself--and that is truly the only way you can ever be happy. You will learn how to be happy without relying on someone else for that sense of happiness (which is dependency). We all had to learn this painful lesson. One more thing: I've never seen someone who dumps someone else and moves on so quickly end up in a successful relationship (there are some cases I guess, but I havent personally witnessed any). I have a feeling that once you go into no contact mode, this girl will be sniffing around again wondering why you arent still pining after her. And then the ball will be in your court. (And I betcha $100 you wont want her back!) Take care, Michele
  24. michelemybell
    Diva_Lee, This is something I would get checked out from a doctor. You could have a growth or polyp in the area that is hurting you. Maybe not. Either way, this isn't something you should be guessing about. Rule of thumb: Always get things that hurt "down there" checked out. Michele
  25. michelemybell
    Ated, I know it's hard to look at your ex realistically, but the guy would've brought you down big time. He may have been fun and cute and all that, but he's not good relationship material. And when you get into a relationship, you don't want a "fixer-upper", hoping he will change. It never works. You need a guy who has his life in order, and this guy is far from it. Breaking up was the best thing that could've happened to you. You got into UNI and got your driver's license as a result. Do you think that would've happened if you were still hanging out with your ex? I extremely doubt it. He would've brought you down, and you would be wasting precious years of your life trying to fix things and trying to change things with him, instead of concentrating on yourself. Anyways, I for one (I'm sure many others also agree) am glad that you broke up. I wish the heartache would go away for you right now, but it will in time. Those nagging thoughts about him are just something you have to endure right now. Just make sure you are always moving forward with your life and doing good things. you take care, Michele
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