kinatra

Hi Princess, First of all, please be careful about some of the responses you get on this. Some are good and some are misguided who lack understanding and experience of life's complexities. I can't and wouldn't begin to tell you how to feel because I don't see through your eyes. I know you are hurt and the roof looks like it's going to crash in and the the pain of it all is eating away at you. But it will get better. Know that you are not alone as this web site is so named. I like many of the other people here feel your pain and reach out to you if only with our words. Again, I cannot tell you what to do nor would I ever think of doing so. I am not a praying man, but I'll say a prayer for you now in hopes that you will find the courage, that I know is inside of you, to do what you need to make things better for you (be that couseling, talking to him, etc.). No matter what, know that you can take your time and that your not alone in this - in that many other people are going through this exact same situation. My only concern is with you and making sure you do, what you need to do to make the decisions on how your life is going to get back on track so that you can feel the happiness you deserve. Take care of yourself....... Kinatra

dude shit happens. you have to look within your heart and figure out if you can forgive her and move on. can you? maybe you should wait on the engagement and see how it goes. believe you me, this is your life. it doesn't matter what any people on this thing says because it matters what you think and feel for this girl. i think you should see her. btw, how old are both of you and was kissing the only thing she did? actually, i think you have to be able to just forget about it because rehashing every detail would be the wrong thing to do....only upset you more. honestly, do what you want to do....if you want to see her and take it from there, try that....if you want to break it off right now, do that.....if you want to get back to together and brush it all under the carpet, do that.........if you get my point, it's up to you and her.... i think you both need to talk and emphasize to her that regardless of whatever you may think of what she did, you need to understand that she is ready for marriage..... good luck and don't take this whole thing too personally. i know that is hard to fathom, but you cannot control another.....

I am sorry but this coversation is crap and one-sided. I know people who have cheated and I have been cheated upon, but some of the bullshit people are spouting out is just pathetic. Oh and ShatteredHalo, you need to look up the word adultery in the dictionary. No offence, I know it's in the 10 commandments, but adultery doesn't apply to all forms of cheating - just the ones who are married and cheating. So do I agree with cheating? Of course not. Did I like being cheated on? Of course not. But you know what, shite happens. Your just lucky to find out when you can. And was it for the best? Totally! Ahhhh hey unlike some of the postings thus far, there are no black and white answers - there is a lot of grey. I also believe that there are different levels of cheating - those who carry on an affair and those who in a moment of weakness hook up with someone. But above all, I believe that the reason people cheat is due to problems in the relationship for whatever reason. Granted one may be totally innocent as the person be cheated upon, but the other person in the majority of cases feels an incredible, almost debilitating, amount of shame for betraying a person they truly loved. Let's just try to have a little bit more perspective on these kinds of questions and understanding for those who have made mistakes because I don't think you are helping them by saying that they are condemned to always cheat for the rest of their lives. K

Obviously he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and loves you very much, which is why he is asking you to hold on while he makes up his mind. Or he could be just delaying the obvious - your break up. I think you have to decide what you want...but I don't agree with playing games and dressing up all sexy for him, etc. Marriage and relationships are about being who we are....the last thing you want to do when you go into a relationship under false pretenses, which includes not knowing who you are or if you are ready. Marriage is a big step and......hey I just think that you shouldn't play games. Be straight with him and say, "You know I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But if you don't feel the same way then you need to let us go so that we can both find the people we are supposed to end up with." I tell you the real trick is finding out what is really on his mind, but guys (myself included) have a hard time doing that because we don't want to hurt you. But if you truly want to know what he is feeling, you must promise him that you will not get mad or cry and that, for right now, you are, as you have been, his best friend in which to confide his secrets. I don't know....just my two cents, Kinatra

I supported you previously and I still do; just so hard to be without her. There were some big things that we didn't agree on but there were big things we did. I miss her so much.... Not easy meeting new people. I am an extrovert but....I just long for her sometimes and want to call her. But I have broken up with her twice and she needs to move on with her life...away from the pain I have caused her heart.

I think the best way for you to meet new people is to get involved in life. Great ways to do this are the following: - Get involved in voluntary organizations that you care about (i.e. greenpeace, a political campaign, etc.). - Join a group sports activity (running, hiking, soccer, etc.) - Join a society (i.e. the bird watching society, rotary club, etc.) - Join a book club. - Learn how to dance. - Get a part time job to fill the space - which is another good way of meeting people. Hope this helps. Though it won't be if you don't take action in your life! Be well, Kinatra

Not sure if you are actually going to read these.....I hope you do because as this forum has shown you, your not alone and people care about you. I know your probably saying, "huh they don't even know me!" But we are here for you none the less. Hey life is not easy and I am not sure what age you are but I am in my late 20s right now and I can tell you that things will get better. When I was a teenager I had an awful time but I knew that things had to get better...they have to....and they do. Life plays a funny game with us. Sometimes when we are at our lowest, the happiness is waiting around the corner for us to bump into it - and we forget that we were ever unhappy. The same can go when you are happy.. that something less than happy might mess up our plans, like for me it's caring loving a person so much that I had to let them go, which leaves me alone. However, through many of the people you see on this forum, I am able to go on because I know that I am not alone. Take care of yourself and try getting involved in some volunteer activities that are group oriented. Best of luck, Kinatra

All I can say is I hear you reborn.... Your not alone in your pain. I know it's hard to imagine that there are many people out there just like you, this forum is proof. I read some of your earlier posts and saw some wonderful replies from people who were going through the same thing. Reading your message made me think of my own girlfriend and she might have similar feelings; however, I think she is now resolved to move on. I still have enormous feelings for her but was never able to give her the ring or feel ready to entertain the joyful thought of marriage. Anyway, I am in pain to and as you say, I was the dumper....but I don't think it matters which side you are on.... Anyway, cheer up reborn! There is someone out there for you. Although this time looks very dark and cloudy and you can't see the foot in front of you because of the pain - you will emerge one day.... The pain and loss you feel is normal.... I long for my girlfriend too and look at her picture ever so often. I have wanted to burn everything and erase all the pictures of her from my computer but have been unable to go that far. There is still a part of me that thinks we will get back together....but my mind says that we are not right for each other. Ahhhh.....what can I say, love is tough and painful sometimes.....but that's life and living. One day you will look back at this episode objectively and appreciate everything (ups and downs) for what it is - living life. Let me know if you need to talk further. I, like so many other nice people are here for you when you need us. Kinatra

Hey Crusin, Try sending me a private message (PM).....

What I meant to say is your not too clueless. So he is dating someone else? *** him! You can do better! And as I said, better to have found out now....I mean you could've married this guy and had kids only to find out later that it wasn't meant to be....again *** him! It obvious he had no problem filling the void, which should make it allot easier for you to get over him because he is a rotten apple - may still look good from the outside, but you better that if you bind into it is rotten with worms and stuff...YUCK! #1 Rule for you 2clueless is to forget about him. Don't be trying to find out information or let yourself think about what he may be doing. You need to let him go, which is easier said than done. But when your mind starts to think things, you need to say, "that was the past....and the past is what it is - OVER! Good luck, I know you will persevere and you were lucky to have found out, before you got married, that he wasn't good enough for you. Be well and try not to put too much stress on yourself. As my friend said to me last night, I should have a month to myself where I go out with people everynight and generally treat myself well. Although I don't need it, the base of the idea is good, which is too be relaxed on yourself. The toughest place for you to get over him is in your mind - that's your battlefield. Much like seeing an argument before it happens, you need to stop your brain from diving into the memories of your ex.... Anyway......good luck! Kinatra

2clueless, Your too clueless from my point of view.... Hey you are right. Things will get better. Just cannot seem to stop looking at her picture and thinking about her. I am nuts... All I can think of is the saying of, "can't live with em and can't live without them." Ahhh.... Yeah 2clueless, I know what you mean with respect to couples. I too look around and see the lovey dovey couples and go what the hell... I love that movie, "3 weddings and a funeral," especially the soundtrack since it goes real well with my life right now, which is, "they're playing songs of love, but not for me...." Well enough messing about...time to get back to work.... See ya gang and remember the words of Lee Iococca (who I am not a huge fan of) when he said, "We are constantly faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." Cheers, Kinatra

First up, I loved the wine bottle analogy since I love a nice bottle of wine now and again; however, since I am back in school I have had little money for spending on such things. Also, wine was more of a thing I did with my ex, get a nice bottle of wine with dinner, etc. But where I am they drink beer.... Anyway I am getting off topic. To be blunt, your BF sounds like an ass. I mean you cannot blame someone for falling out of love with you because we are all human and it would be a bigger crime to stay and go on knowing that you were "not the one." Like how I put that in quotes? I do that because I have no friggin idea if it's really true or just a figment of my imagination that was planted by Hollywood. BUt seriously, you should end communication between you and him. I broke up with my beautiful lady after 4 and half years together, which were the happiest years of my life....sigh... Anyway, we broke up because I was not ready to get married....I just was not ready. I'd think about it...look at rings, etc. But I was not ready to give her the ring.. Little background is that she is 5 years older than me and we disagree on politics and some religious issues, but other than that life is grand and we get together really well and share a lot in common. But I think I lost respect for with regard to the political issues, at least subconsciously, and it made me want to get out or told me that she wasn't the one. Don't know why I am telling you this except to say that I am in pain and I was the one who broke it off. But back to your situation. I know what you are going through in terms of being abroad and not having your friends to talk to, etc. If you want to talk I am here. I think the best thing for you to do with regards to your ex, which you probably have already done, is tell him that you both need to move on. It's what my ex said to me and I know she is right no matter how badly I want to talk to her. I want to be with but a question my friend asked me when I told him the exact same thing was, "what are you going to tell her?" It made me think because she is waiting for me to say I'm ready for marriage....and I am not....and thus I have my answer. Hey from what I read you are a good person. This guy seems like he had some problems and things didn't work out which is all for the best for you. I honestly wouldn't pscho-analyze yourself over it though because you did nothing wrong and you'll hate me for saying this....but he didn't either. I say this because we are all human and as such, we are imperfect. I don't know about you, but this world sometimes makes sense to me and most of the time I feel like I cannot go on. Don't get me wrong I am strong person and I try and have achieved some things in my life in terms of work experience and traveling, but I am still scared of the future some times....where I am going, what I am going to do for work, will I make enough to support myself and family, etc., etc, etc.,..... the thing is we are all trying to find love and happiness whatever it is....but there is no roadmap....there's no contract that says if you do this you will get this...it's all a gamble and we are all learning what it is to be who we are as human beings... Sorry if I seem out there...I am not. My main point is that life is not easy and I guess if we all knew who were supposed to be with to be happy - we would be with them. But it's not like that...it's trial and error. Sadly these trials hurt and often make us cry. The upside as my ex would say, "life wouldn't probably be that fun if we knew everything.." I also highly recommending seeing parenthood, specifically the scene where the grandma tells the story of going to the amusement park and about the choice between the rollercoaster and the merry-go-round. She said she loved the roller coaster because it made her feel fear and excitment at the same time, while the merry-go-round just went around and around...she liked the roller coaster. The moral of course to this story is that life is more exciting with the heart breaks...without them...we wouldn't feel the exhilaration of meeting someone new and going through (I hope) the whole process again and hopefully finding that special someone who completes you..... By the way, I enjoy reading the way you write...very witty and enjoyable...don't know how else to say it. I can tell, for one thing, that you must be older than allot of the 18 yr. olds who get on her. For the record I am in my late 20s. Take care of yourself, Kinatra

Hey boss, I hear ya loud and clear. I am sorry all this shit is going down... sometimes it honestly seems like too much sometime....if you agree with this...all I can tell you is I am from here on the other end of this e-mail feeling the same thing. I broke up with my beautiful lady about about 3/4 weeks ago. I broke it off because I wasn't ready to get married to her... I loved her and think she is nothing but an angel, but it wasn't meant to be. I think I have looked at her picture and thought of her many times. I honestly need to stop and get back to work. However the point I am trying to make is I feel and know your pain. I know the heart ache and the longing, boy do I. The stuff you said about being comforted by her...ahhh my lady was the best. But things do happen for a reason. In my case, I was unable to ask her to marry me. She probably thinks I am dating and happy that things are off...but she couldn't be father from the truth.... anyway... You can make it through this day and all the rest. I am not a really religious person, but God has something special for the both of us.....we just have to get through these obstacles....remember that in order to appreciate the sweet we must endure the bitter.... take care of yourself buddy,

Dude all I can say is click on my profile and read some of my posts in the last couple weeks since my break up of 4 half years. I never was ready to get married to my gal but I prolonged the inevitable because we had a lot in common and I loved her; however, I never had the thought that I wanted to marry this girl because of differences in our personalities. Like you I consider myself a very sweet and caring person, don't get me wrong my girlfriend is too, but in some respects she was insensitive. Also, we had very different political views and she was 5 years oldeir than me. The long and short of it is....I question everyday but it's reassuring to read people who are in the same spot as I was in. Like you, she was crying while all I could say was "I am sorry, I am sorry" with a sad but dry face. This girl made me happy, but she was alos stressing me out and above all I was not ready to marry her or give her a ring..... Anyway, be interested to talk more about this.....we did the right thing! K

Sorry just having a bad day. It's been about 3 weeks since my break up with my girlfriend of 4 and half years. Just was walking around today feeling pretty low, lonely, sad, hopeless, etc. Future just looks bleak... perhaps it's just one of those days.... Just thinking about the feeling she gave me...they way she looked at me, made me feel, the love, etc. Anybody else out there having tough times after their breakup?