kinatra

Hi Princess, First of all, please be careful about some of the responses you get on this. Some are good and some are misguided who lack understanding and experience of life's complexities. I can't and wouldn't begin to tell you how to feel because I don't see through your eyes. I know you are hurt and the roof looks like it's going to crash in and the the pain of it all is eating away at you. But it will get better. Know that you are not alone as this web site is so named. I like many of the other people here feel your pain and reach out to you if only with our words. Again, I cannot tell you what to do nor would I ever think of doing so. I am not a praying man, but I'll say a prayer for you now in hopes that you will find the courage, that I know is inside of you, to do what you need to make things better for you (be that couseling, talking to him, etc.). No matter what, know that you can take your time and that your not alone in this - in that many other people are going through this exact same situation. My only concern is with you and making sure you do, what you need to do to make the decisions on how your life is going to get back on track so that you can feel the happiness you deserve. Take care of yourself....... Kinatra

dude shit happens. you have to look within your heart and figure out if you can forgive her and move on. can you? maybe you should wait on the engagement and see how it goes. believe you me, this is your life. it doesn't matter what any people on this thing says because it matters what you think and feel for this girl. i think you should see her. btw, how old are both of you and was kissing the only thing she did? actually, i think you have to be able to just forget about it because rehashing every detail would be the wrong thing to do....only upset you more. honestly, do what you want to do....if you want to see her and take it from there, try that....if you want to break it off right now, do that.....if you want to get back to together and brush it all under the carpet, do that.........if you get my point, it's up to you and her.... i think you both need to talk and emphasize to her that regardless of whatever you may think of what she did, you need to understand that she is ready for marriage..... good luck and don't take this whole thing too personally. i know that is hard to fathom, but you cannot control another.....

I am sorry but this coversation is crap and one-sided. I know people who have cheated and I have been cheated upon, but some of the bullshit people are spouting out is just pathetic. Oh and ShatteredHalo, you need to look up the word adultery in the dictionary. No offence, I know it's in the 10 commandments, but adultery doesn't apply to all forms of cheating - just the ones who are married and cheating. So do I agree with cheating? Of course not. Did I like being cheated on? Of course not. But you know what, shite happens. Your just lucky to find out when you can. And was it for the best? Totally! Ahhhh hey unlike some of the postings thus far, there are no black and white answers - there is a lot of grey. I also believe that there are different levels of cheating - those who carry on an affair and those who in a moment of weakness hook up with someone. But above all, I believe that the reason people cheat is due to problems in the relationship for whatever reason. Granted one may be totally innocent as the person be cheated upon, but the other person in the majority of cases feels an incredible, almost debilitating, amount of shame for betraying a person they truly loved. Let's just try to have a little bit more perspective on these kinds of questions and understanding for those who have made mistakes because I don't think you are helping them by saying that they are condemned to always cheat for the rest of their lives. K

Obviously he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and loves you very much, which is why he is asking you to hold on while he makes up his mind. Or he could be just delaying the obvious - your break up. I think you have to decide what you want...but I don't agree with playing games and dressing up all sexy for him, etc. Marriage and relationships are about being who we are....the last thing you want to do when you go into a relationship under false pretenses, which includes not knowing who you are or if you are ready. Marriage is a big step and......hey I just think that you shouldn't play games. Be straight with him and say, "You know I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But if you don't feel the same way then you need to let us go so that we can both find the people we are supposed to end up with." I tell you the real trick is finding out what is really on his mind, but guys (myself included) have a hard time doing that because we don't want to hurt you. But if you truly want to know what he is feeling, you must promise him that you will not get mad or cry and that, for right now, you are, as you have been, his best friend in which to confide his secrets. I don't know....just my two cents, Kinatra

I supported you previously and I still do; just so hard to be without her. There were some big things that we didn't agree on but there were big things we did. I miss her so much.... Not easy meeting new people. I am an extrovert but....I just long for her sometimes and want to call her. But I have broken up with her twice and she needs to move on with her life...away from the pain I have caused her heart.

I think the best way for you to meet new people is to get involved in life. Great ways to do this are the following: - Get involved in voluntary organizations that you care about (i.e. greenpeace, a political campaign, etc.). - Join a group sports activity (running, hiking, soccer, etc.) - Join a society (i.e. the bird watching society, rotary club, etc.) - Join a book club. - Learn how to dance. - Get a part time job to fill the space - which is another good way of meeting people. Hope this helps. Though it won't be if you don't take action in your life! Be well, Kinatra

Not sure if you are actually going to read these.....I hope you do because as this forum has shown you, your not alone and people care about you. I know your probably saying, "huh they don't even know me!" But we are here for you none the less. Hey life is not easy and I am not sure what age you are but I am in my late 20s right now and I can tell you that things will get better. When I was a teenager I had an awful time but I knew that things had to get better...they have to....and they do. Life plays a funny game with us. Sometimes when we are at our lowest, the happiness is waiting around the corner for us to bump into it - and we forget that we were ever unhappy. The same can go when you are happy.. that something less than happy might mess up our plans, like for me it's caring loving a person so much that I had to let them go, which leaves me alone. However, through many of the people you see on this forum, I am able to go on because I know that I am not alone. Take care of yourself and try getting involved in some volunteer activities that are group oriented. Best of luck, Kinatra

All I can say is I hear you reborn.... Your not alone in your pain. I know it's hard to imagine that there are many people out there just like you, this forum is proof. I read some of your earlier posts and saw some wonderful replies from people who were going through the same thing. Reading your message made me think of my own girlfriend and she might have similar feelings; however, I think she is now resolved to move on. I still have enormous feelings for her but was never able to give her the ring or feel ready to entertain the joyful thought of marriage. Anyway, I am in pain to and as you say, I was the dumper....but I don't think it matters which side you are on.... Anyway, cheer up reborn! There is someone out there for you. Although this time looks very dark and cloudy and you can't see the foot in front of you because of the pain - you will emerge one day.... The pain and loss you feel is normal.... I long for my girlfriend too and look at her picture ever so often. I have wanted to burn everything and erase all the pictures of her from my computer but have been unable to go that far. There is still a part of me that thinks we will get back together....but my mind says that we are not right for each other. Ahhhh.....what can I say, love is tough and painful sometimes.....but that's life and living. One day you will look back at this episode objectively and appreciate everything (ups and downs) for what it is - living life. Let me know if you need to talk further. I, like so many other nice people are here for you when you need us. Kinatra

Hey Crusin, Try sending me a private message (PM).....

What I meant to say is your not too clueless. So he is dating someone else? *** him! You can do better! And as I said, better to have found out now....I mean you could've married this guy and had kids only to find out later that it wasn't meant to be....again *** him! It obvious he had no problem filling the void, which should make it allot easier for you to get over him because he is a rotten apple - may still look good from the outside, but you better that if you bind into it is rotten with worms and stuff...YUCK! #1 Rule for you 2clueless is to forget about him. Don't be trying to find out information or let yourself think about what he may be doing. You need to let him go, which is easier said than done. But when your mind starts to think things, you need to say, "that was the past....and the past is what it is - OVER! Good luck, I know you will persevere and you were lucky to have found out, before you got married, that he wasn't good enough for you. Be well and try not to put too much stress on yourself. As my friend said to me last night, I should have a month to myself where I go out with people everynight and generally treat myself well. Although I don't need it, the base of the idea is good, which is too be relaxed on yourself. The toughest place for you to get over him is in your mind - that's your battlefield. Much like seeing an argument before it happens, you need to stop your brain from diving into the memories of your ex.... Anyway......good luck! Kinatra

2clueless, Your too clueless from my point of view.... Hey you are right. Things will get better. Just cannot seem to stop looking at her picture and thinking about her. I am nuts... All I can think of is the saying of, "can't live with em and can't live without them." Ahhh.... Yeah 2clueless, I know what you mean with respect to couples. I too look around and see the lovey dovey couples and go what the hell... I love that movie, "3 weddings and a funeral," especially the soundtrack since it goes real well with my life right now, which is, "they're playing songs of love, but not for me...." Well enough messing about...time to get back to work.... See ya gang and remember the words of Lee Iococca (who I am not a huge fan of) when he said, "We are constantly faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." Cheers, Kinatra

First up, I loved the wine bottle analogy since I love a nice bottle of wine now and again; however, since I am back in school I have had little money for spending on such things. Also, wine was more of a thing I did with my ex, get a nice bottle of wine with dinner, etc. But where I am they drink beer.... Anyway I am getting off topic. To be blunt, your BF sounds like an ass. I mean you cannot blame someone for falling out of love with you because we are all human and it would be a bigger crime to stay and go on knowing that you were "not the one." Like how I put that in quotes? I do that because I have no friggin idea if it's really true or just a figment of my imagination that was planted by Hollywood. BUt seriously, you should end communication between you and him. I broke up with my beautiful lady after 4 and half years together, which were the happiest years of my life....sigh... Anyway, we broke up because I was not ready to get married....I just was not ready. I'd think about it...look at rings, etc. But I was not ready to give her the ring.. Little background is that she is 5 years older than me and we disagree on politics and some religious issues, but other than that life is grand and we get together really well and share a lot in common. But I think I lost respect for with regard to the political issues, at least subconsciously, and it made me want to get out or told me that she wasn't the one. Don't know why I am telling you this except to say that I am in pain and I was the one who broke it off. But back to your situation. I know what you are going through in terms of being abroad and not having your friends to talk to, etc. If you want to talk I am here. I think the best thing for you to do with regards to your ex, which you probably have already done, is tell him that you both need to move on. It's what my ex said to me and I know she is right no matter how badly I want to talk to her. I want to be with but a question my friend asked me when I told him the exact same thing was, "what are you going to tell her?" It made me think because she is waiting for me to say I'm ready for marriage....and I am not....and thus I have my answer. Hey from what I read you are a good person. This guy seems like he had some problems and things didn't work out which is all for the best for you. I honestly wouldn't pscho-analyze yourself over it though because you did nothing wrong and you'll hate me for saying this....but he didn't either. I say this because we are all human and as such, we are imperfect. I don't know about you, but this world sometimes makes sense to me and most of the time I feel like I cannot go on. Don't get me wrong I am strong person and I try and have achieved some things in my life in terms of work experience and traveling, but I am still scared of the future some times....where I am going, what I am going to do for work, will I make enough to support myself and family, etc., etc, etc.,..... the thing is we are all trying to find love and happiness whatever it is....but there is no roadmap....there's no contract that says if you do this you will get this...it's all a gamble and we are all learning what it is to be who we are as human beings... Sorry if I seem out there...I am not. My main point is that life is not easy and I guess if we all knew who were supposed to be with to be happy - we would be with them. But it's not like that...it's trial and error. Sadly these trials hurt and often make us cry. The upside as my ex would say, "life wouldn't probably be that fun if we knew everything.." I also highly recommending seeing parenthood, specifically the scene where the grandma tells the story of going to the amusement park and about the choice between the rollercoaster and the merry-go-round. She said she loved the roller coaster because it made her feel fear and excitment at the same time, while the merry-go-round just went around and around...she liked the roller coaster. The moral of course to this story is that life is more exciting with the heart breaks...without them...we wouldn't feel the exhilaration of meeting someone new and going through (I hope) the whole process again and hopefully finding that special someone who completes you..... By the way, I enjoy reading the way you write...very witty and enjoyable...don't know how else to say it. I can tell, for one thing, that you must be older than allot of the 18 yr. olds who get on her. For the record I am in my late 20s. Take care of yourself, Kinatra

Hey boss, I hear ya loud and clear. I am sorry all this shit is going down... sometimes it honestly seems like too much sometime....if you agree with this...all I can tell you is I am from here on the other end of this e-mail feeling the same thing. I broke up with my beautiful lady about about 3/4 weeks ago. I broke it off because I wasn't ready to get married to her... I loved her and think she is nothing but an angel, but it wasn't meant to be. I think I have looked at her picture and thought of her many times. I honestly need to stop and get back to work. However the point I am trying to make is I feel and know your pain. I know the heart ache and the longing, boy do I. The stuff you said about being comforted by her...ahhh my lady was the best. But things do happen for a reason. In my case, I was unable to ask her to marry me. She probably thinks I am dating and happy that things are off...but she couldn't be father from the truth.... anyway... You can make it through this day and all the rest. I am not a really religious person, but God has something special for the both of us.....we just have to get through these obstacles....remember that in order to appreciate the sweet we must endure the bitter.... take care of yourself buddy,

Dude all I can say is click on my profile and read some of my posts in the last couple weeks since my break up of 4 half years. I never was ready to get married to my gal but I prolonged the inevitable because we had a lot in common and I loved her; however, I never had the thought that I wanted to marry this girl because of differences in our personalities. Like you I consider myself a very sweet and caring person, don't get me wrong my girlfriend is too, but in some respects she was insensitive. Also, we had very different political views and she was 5 years oldeir than me. The long and short of it is....I question everyday but it's reassuring to read people who are in the same spot as I was in. Like you, she was crying while all I could say was "I am sorry, I am sorry" with a sad but dry face. This girl made me happy, but she was alos stressing me out and above all I was not ready to marry her or give her a ring..... Anyway, be interested to talk more about this.....we did the right thing! K

Sorry just having a bad day. It's been about 3 weeks since my break up with my girlfriend of 4 and half years. Just was walking around today feeling pretty low, lonely, sad, hopeless, etc. Future just looks bleak... perhaps it's just one of those days.... Just thinking about the feeling she gave me...they way she looked at me, made me feel, the love, etc. Anybody else out there having tough times after their breakup?

Maybe it's the fact that marriage is a life long commitment that it is not to be entered into lightly with the back drop that half of all marriages end in divorce. Better to end it before marriage rather than afterwards. Hey relationships are tough. I loved my ex and could see a happy life with her, etc., etc., but somethings weren't right....and you have to acknowledge those things for what they are. It sucks being alone and out of a relationship where you had someone really care for you....but I have to believe it was done for a greater purpose. Either way it doesn't make things easier. Again, breaking up is painful for both parties. There is nothing more than I would want right now then to be with my ex-GF, but I broke it up.... I don't know....

Hi 2clueless, How did I know? I still don't know to tell you the truth because I still love her very much and after spending 4/5 wonderful years of your life with someone...there is just no way you can just bury the love. But there were many times that she said or did things that threw me off. For instance, she came from a religious part of the country and believed gays were immoral. I just could never get over the fact she believe that and I would think, what would happen if we had a child who was gay? I would support them and she has said that she would love them too; but I just never understood how she could believe discrimination against people was okay. The thing is I knew this about her very early on - our first date in fact - but I was lonely and she had all these other amazing qualities about her aside from being really beautiful. She was a lovely, sweet, intelligent, sexy, worldly, caring and sensitive person. She was my lover and my best friend....this wasn't easy to let go. She also was 5 years older than me so her priorities of having a baby, etc. were way ahead of mine. But I thought that all the things we had in common could overcome the areas we didn't agree on; however the last time I saw her I felt suffocated. We are currently both overseas and in different countries but we pretty much lived together for four years before traveling abroad. I have also got use to being alone and by myself....I don't know, it all seems so sad and complicated sometimes and yet other times it seems clear and for the best. The main thing is I never did think of marrying her.... I mean I did, but it wasn't one of those things were I was like, "boy I need to snatch this girl up before anyone else does." I never really gave it all that much thought...but she would always ask me what the hell is going on! I almost was waiting to find someone else and just enjoy my time with her. Of course this isn't very respectful in hindsight but it was never as clear as I am telling you now. Our relationship was the envy of others and I treated her like a Queen (e.g. cooking for her every night, taking care of when she was sick, etc., etc.). I loved her and had looked at dimonds but was never ready to buy it and give it to her. For one the thing, I still felt like I had things to do in my life, such as traveling and going back to school. I also was fearful getting involved in a realtionship because it would limit my ability to change careers, such as going into acting which pays nothing (just wanted to give that example of jobs that I didn't think I could explore). Ahhhh...what am I talking about....the main thing is, if I loved her and knew she was the one then none of things I am saying now would matter, right? Because I would have not questioned at any point. Our 1st break up was because I was not ready and getting back together meant that I would give her the ring, but I still couldn't do it..... All I can surmise from that is that if I truly wanted to be with her that I would have no problem doing it. I also think that when you propose you should be "on cloud nine"! When I do it I want to be exicted and feeling like there is no other women on this earth for me.....I want the deepest felling possible.....and I love my ex....but I was never ready and still not ready to do it....and I think it all comes down to that..... what do you think? Feel free to private message me....we can talk further about this....I feel like we are in similar boats in the fact that we are beginning again....although your situation may be different, I don't think my break up or a majority of them is easy on either party.....because it hasn't been. I did what I thought and felt I had to do...but it was not easy to hang up the phone knowing that would be the last time I would ever hear her voice..... Let me know if I didn't answer one of your questions... Kinatra

2clueless, Why are you doing this to yourself? Does it matter now? Is finding out he cheated going to make things different? Do you think he would tell you if you did ask him? Would you forgive him? Do you think that if he told you and you forgave him that you would be back together again? All I can see is you getting angry and hurt. You have to let him go....try to remember the good times and move on... I feel empty like you from my recent break up...I am not happy and I am lonely but you cannot continue the reasons why the relationship broke down. I think it can be good in some respects in terms of knowing the kind of person you will be happy with (values, shared interests, things in common, shared view of the future, etc.), but bringing back the past is not going to make things better, do you? Here if you need me, Kinatra

Hi ladies, I was very touched by your stories. I must say the stories you tell are very comparable to my situation. The biggest difference is that I was the one who broke things off because I was not ready for marriage. I loved her and would do anything for her. We were together for 4 years and marriage was the next step, but I wasn't ready. It kills me to think that I have let go of something so special; but was not ready for what she wanted and that thing became a wedge between us. I felt suffocated because I wasn't were I wanted to be in my own life - she was talking about having babies in the next few years and I wasn't ready or what I am hoping is, she wasn't the one. I hope to god I did the right thing. I must say that I don't think break ups are good for either party in the relationship.... Sometimes one in the realtionship falls out of love or no longer believes in the same future...when this happens it's painful because you have to end things with your best friend and lover. Break ups are not easy....my blues, saddness, negative view of the future is testament to this. I think of that poem that asks for the moon to go home and the stars to be plucked from the sky because they are not needed anymore.... But I have to believe that what I did was right for the both of us. She will find what she needs as will I. I love her and always will. Just my thoughts, Take care, Kinatra

hey bossman, don't feel down...if anything you are not alone and that it won't always be as bad as it is right now. you are 15 years old and it is great to be alive. i saw this because most people look back at their teenage years as the worst or best time of their lives. i look back and see the fun, the humiliating, the broken hearted, the lonely, the misuderstood and the sad times: but that's life! Life is like a rollarcoaster my friend with ups and downs. But as a person wiser than me has said, "Unless we taste the bitter we cannot appreciate the sweet." In other words, unless we know pain we will never know happiness. I think I got my PHD in dramatic saddness when I was a teenager....but that is what I think is supposed to happen. You probably don't see it now, but our bodies and our mind is constantly changing as we get older. I am sure your not thinking of the same things now that you did when you were 7, of course you not...that's part of the changing process. I think as a teenager you start to really get hit over the head with your emotions... now this never stops but as you get older you acquire the ability to control it little bit better because it never goes away. Hell I just broke up with the love of my life and I am still lamenting and thinking about her and what I've lost. But the 4 years we were together was pure happiness. So what the hell am I saying? Just be cool and relax. I have no doubt that you are a cool little dude and will have all you desire - you just need to be patient and work on having a happy outlook..... your gonna do OKAY!

Glory, I think the first step is for you to move out of your living situation with you BF. That has to be priority #1 because that in itself is sending conflicting messages. Be interested to hear your reply? It just seems to me that you need to get out of the house, be able to support yourself, be comfortable with yourself away from the old BF - in essense on your own, and then after a little while be open to new love. Otherwise I see trouble for you and pain...you just need to get out and stand on your own two feet without a man for now...

I just was interested in reading what success is to everyone else. Whether it's health, happiness, wealth, etc.? I'd really like to know.

Hi, I am interested in reasons or stories from people who knew their significant other was the one, married them and I want to know how it's going (i.e. has it been successful/happy?). On the other side, I would like to hear reasons or stories why you shouldn't get married or think someone is the one? Interested to read your responses, Kinatra

Anna I don't think you are out of line. Honestly, its one thing to want to go out with the boys for a couple beers, play gold, etc; however, I think that going to a strip club, which is what I am thinking it is, is not really right. I can see going once in a while but, and I no longer practice religion, I don't think it's right for a married man to go into these places. Perhaps this is hypocritical, but I would think a man looking at porn on the internet was better than a man going to a strip club... Also the fact that he goes allot is also not exactly right. Again, I believe it's okay to go out with the boys but strip clubs on a daily or constant basis are not okay. It's funny Anna....some men are the way they are....and no matter where a person goes - there is going to be temptation. However, if I had a wife and she wanted to go shopping with the gals that would be one thing, but if she wanted to go to a bar every night I would be a little irritate - mainly because she didn't want to spend it with me. I don't know...depends on your relationship. I am also sure that this big move has played a big part because you are in an unknown place away from your friends and family. He has his friends but you don't and probably want to spend more time with him. The main thing is...well it's up to you regardless of whether he is a good arguer or not....I honestly for the life of me don't understand why he wouldn't want you going into a place.....makes no sense to me and to be honest makes me think the worst. If it's no big thing, he should be happy to show you.

Hey well I am 28....it gives me a little solace to know that I am not the only one beginning again. But it's for the best right? Better to breakdown now than after 4 years of marriage with 4 kids and a mortgage, right? The thing is you really have to take care of yourself right now. I hear this great piece of advice that someone was giving a kid who was trying to get a date with this girl, they said, "act like you want them, not need them." I know it doesn't entirely relate, but the main point is that you can be optimistic that it may get back together but you need to start taking care of you. You cannot wait in limbo...you need to move on with your life as much as that sucks to hear. As one of the previous people said, one door has closed but many have know become open to you. In other words, say you always wanted to teach english in a spanish-speaking country and your boyfriend wasn't into it and you were probably never going to have the chance again to do it after getting married.....well, now you can. Try to embrace life and try different things....