IamLost

i agree that most women (girls) like that and are attracted to that. But I have had my share of jerks. I am going to be 30 next year, and all I want is a nice guy. And I'll get one.... one day!

You have to find an "in between". And that does exist. I've had it where there is equal pull between the both of us as far as a challenge. And it's human nature to feel that way. No one wants a push over! But it's really hard to find the happy medium! (But what else is new!) That's how you'll know it's right!

Thanks so much guys for your replies. I thought in the beginning that she was a "rebound relatinship" too, but I didn't know you say "I love you" to a rebound person????!!!!! So confused. Anyway, I AM staying away from his e-mail. I have to. It got to the point where it was making me physically sick. The reason why we broke up is because he is 8 years younger than me (I know, I know). He is a very mature 20 year old, however, naturally, that is going to cause problems. He wanted to move on. He wanted to see "what else was out there". But like I said, long story, originally this was supposed to be a break. Eventually, he met her (soon, not eventually!) and it was no longer a break, but a final break-up in his eyes. I have accepted that now. I just don't know how to accept how you love another and touch another so soon afterwards because I know I would burst into tears and want him if that happened with me. Especially since he still had endearing feelings toward me- if those feelings are still present, how do you ignore them? He was always good at that- repressing bad stuff that happened w/his family & stuff, so I guess he just put those "skills" into play here! Thank you for your perspectives, it's good to hear that a lot guys deal with this by finding someone else so soon. It's not a good thing, but at least I know that my situation is not because of ME. Another thing I was confused about, was everywhere I was reading and hearing that "rebounds" don't last very long. Her last relationship was 2 years (by the way, it ended just 5 weeks before they got together, so I'm sure she wasn't fully over him), and his last relationship (me) was 3 years, so they both seem to have a history of "long" relationships. I guess I am just feeling sad that this relationship will last. The way they talk about each other in those e-mails (that I'm NOT going to check anymore!) is pure adoration. They are infatuated and would do anything for each other. It seems very deep. And I know when he falls, he falls HARD. He does feel like he loves her. I know him. So I guess I am just afraid that it is going to last a year or two, and if that is the case, I guess I just feel like how can a rebound be so long? I thought rebounds were supposed to be "short" generally speaking? Anyway, I know I need to move on, and I am as best as I can, but when I read "I LOVE YOU" by both of them, I just didn't understand, and wanted to come here for some coping techniques..... Thanks Thanks everyone.

Hello: I am hoping someone can shed some light on this for me. I am trying to conceptualize it; trying to grasp the concept; but I just can't. It has been 10.5 weeks since my ex BF & I broke up. Ok, well, yes, I've been thru hell & back with just that, but I found out the 4th week after our break-up that he had met someone 1.5 weeks after we broke up & has been w/her ever since. VERY painful- I read all the e-mails, did terrible invading things, saw her picture in his Inbox- pain that was self-inflicted; I know. But that's a whole nother story & something I am working thru in counseling. This post is about this- I hadn't checked the e-mail in 2.5 weeks. I was doing so well. Then, I guess I had a moment of weakness, and wanted an "update". (I guess I should say "I wanted more pain"). So I checked the e-mail, and found that about a week ago, he said I LOVE YOU to her already, and she said it back, and that she was the luckiest girl in the whole world. Ok, whatever. I know they are only 20. And when I was 20, I hopped from relationship to relationship too. But we were together for 3 years and our relationship was VERY significant and meaningful, and he even voluntarily said he did not ever want to be with another person ever. (It wasn't me saying these things, it was him!). Anyway, I guess I am just trying to understand- how can you become so intimate with someone else in such a short period of time? How can you leave someone behind so easily like that who supposedly meant so much? (we broke up on good terms and he cried too, it was VERY hard for both of us). That's why I don't understand how he can just have all these little "cutsie" moments with her, take her to the places we went to, give her a miniature crystal that I gave him- thank you very much (bastard)- anyway…. How does one do that?! Can someone help me? I don't understand? How do you become so close with someone else without feeling "icky" or feeling like that's the other person's place? You just "drop" them? I know some of your answers are going to hurt, but I need some help grasping where maybe he is coming from. I know he still loves me, because in our last e-mails (June 5), he told me that he sometimes still has feelings, and wants to contact me but knows he shouldn't, but at that point, "it's hard". I know I made it soooooo much worse for myself for checking the e-mails, guys. I know. And I'm going to a therapist to work thru my impulse control. So no lectures please. Maybe just some explanations on how you can shift your feelings for another so quickly? One more thing- when we were breaking up, this was originally supposed to be a break (long story). He wanted to just "see what other people were like"- he didn't want to "do things" with them, he wanted to just talk & 'experience' other girls and stuff. I said "Craig, if that's what you want to do you're going to have to "do things" with other girls." He was like all pissed off and was like "No way!!! Only Jennifer!" (meaning only me he wanted to "be with" in that way). And then 1 ½ weeks later he's obsessing over someone else and 7.5 weeks after that he loves her?! (And I know him- and I know he wanted to say it like the second week but he knew it was ridiculously soon). I just don't understand. Please help…… Please help me to understand how he felt SO strongly about not "touching" someone else when we broke up, and then did he just magically wake up after we broke up and start going crazy over other girls or something???!!! I'm so confused! (I know his words were sincere, BTW, and that's why I just don't get it! Is he just young & inexperienced????) Thanks so much, Jen

Myknosis: I think she is sad inside because she can see that you are doing fine without her (even though you may really not be). Believe it or not, she does not know that. We question the other person SO much when we're away from them.... it's like we become insecure or something like "I'm sure he thinks I'm such a loser" No he doesn't! (In my case)... I always think my ex thinks this or that.... but in reality, he thinks I'm being strong and moving on. Ha! What a joke. He has no idea. I think this has raised a lot of question in her mind that you are falling apart- and it should. Why should you be at her mercy? I know this break up/divorce is still VERY new, so the pain is very raw, so I do not really want to criticise her.

Hi Reborn: I private messaged you.

So it's normal to still feel sick (I mean physical sickness! ) after 8-9 weeks?!

He DOES care about that- not in a shallow way... but here's the scoop- I am pretty overweight & it has been kinda an issue in our relationship. I hated the way I looked way more than he did & he always still complimented me & stuff, but it was still a slight issue. He's been w/me for 3 yrs., and I guess it just got kinda old b/c I wasn't taking care of myself so much anymore. I will post the letter he wrote to me about 5 months ago: (it's really a complex issue. He is not shallow, but I DO understand where he's coming from). He has always wanted this body type that she is (Christina Agulleira), and now he got it. So he is mesmerized for now. And when he sees me, I want him to see what I've done. I have about 80 lbs. to lose, I've lost 48 so far. Hi ______, Thanks for your email, it helped me understand how you feel about everything. I just wanted to start out by saying that I think the conversation just really went the wrong way about everything last night, and you aren't probably feeling too great today. Sorry I was hard on you. (we talked about my weight a bit this night) What I wanted to tell you about the whole thing... is... During the first 2 years of our relationship I was really happy with everything, and loving your personality so much I really cared less of what you looked like. I felt you were so cute, because you are an actually very pretty girl, plus you have the best personality anyone could ask for. And I was very happy with everything, and that reflected I think how I treated you, and how I reacted to things you said. I had patience, love, and I wanted to treat you nicely! As time went on, we sometimes stopped getting along on a daily basis, and then everything became more apparent and negative to me I guess. I felt like you didn't really want to get along, because it was more important to you to feel better about things, than to just let them go. I felt like you didn't care to make things work, rather you wanted to constantly focus on negative stuff. And drag everything out. Well, since I became unhappy to some degree with our relationship on a personal level, other areas like your weight started to affect me to a greater degree, especially when you weren't doing so good. I felt like you didn't want me to like you, and all the sudden the person who I adored and loved so much wasn't looking as appealing as before. And from that I guess I no longer had the patience to deal with stuff, or be nice, or just be the person I used to be. I don't really know what the solution should be. Even though on the surface I might feel like I want to experience other people out there, I soon realize that, that would mean there would be no more _____. he wrote my name. Even though I haven't been in other relationships, I can really value and realize what we have. No other girl would ever sit on the edge of the bath tub while I take a bath, or do all the small cute little things you do for me. Like buy me chocolate Easter bunnies! I don't want to lose you, and in the end really want to be with you. So, I guess I told you how I felt! I just don't know how to get past the things that made our relationship sour over the last year or so! But I ensure you my main concern is getting A-LONG, not your weight! I Love you! God, that letter makes me so so so so so so so so so sad!

Yeah, it's just sooooo awful. I love him SOOOO much. I miss everything. I try to ignore it, try to realize all his faults, but I don't care. I just want to take care of him. I just want to be in his arms again, and mine in his, and wish none of this ever happened. But I guess it was bound to happen anyway, since he had never had a GF before me. You can't (generally) be w/one person only your whole life. I don't blame him for what happened, but I just don't understand why he basically "ruled out" getting back together. B/C he pretty much did. (gave me pretty obvious messages that that was not his line of thinking anymore). I know having someone else is a major anedote for heartbreak and wanting to be w/me forever- he thinks now she is everything. Not me anymore. So... that's where that all came into play I guess. Whatever. Uh! I am so sick of saying Whatever! Everything is just so old & repetitive & draining & exhausting. I am improving my life on the outside, though. I am working out EVERYDAY- like big time, I got a personal trainer, so many things to "look good for him" in the future (b/c she is a stick, and I am not)- I know it's all for the wrong reasons, but it's all I care about.

Oh no way... talking to him for me is like torture! And he said it makes it 10x harder for him, too to talk to me. It's better to break contact to heal, I think. I am sorry you ended badly. Bad break-ups are so hard, b/c you don't want to end things on that kind of note. I know... we almost broke up in Jan. like that. It was awful. Huge fight... then break-up. I feel so lucky that this was civil, loving, and gentle. It still hurts more than anything I've ever experienced, and I can't imagine I'll be over it in a year (we agreed we would meet next summer to do lunch)- whatever!

Hi Everyone: I registered under a different name a while ago (I didn't want people to think I "just joined"!), b/c I was paranoid my ex would somehow see my other user name. Anyway, we broke up mid-April. I know it's only been about 8 weeks, but I have been going thru hell. It's actually not getting better, I actually feel it's kind of getting worse! And that makes me feel like it's going to be never-ending. He of course already has a new GF, about a week & 1/2 after we broke up. I found e-mails to & from each other (HUGE mistake for me to snoop- I know- I only hurt myself- I mean TORTURED , myself!), I should say). Originally, him & I were supposed to get back together after he "tried what was out there" but knew he wanted to be w/me. Well, you know how that goes... he discovers what's out there, and then realizes how sheltered he was! I don't know what's going to happen, b/c right now he's REALLY head over heals for this girl. Whatever. We have been really sweet to each other as far as "farewell" e-mails and saying good-bye, b/c I know we still love each other. But this sadness is burrowing inside of me & becoming deeper & deeper, I feel. I thought I would get some relief by this point, but that is just not happening. I know he is dealing w/it better than me (I shouldn't say "better" b/c he just supresses everything), but differently than me. So from the outside, it looks like he's doing better. And on a conscious level, maybe he is. But somewhere inside, it is probably effecting him and coming out in different ways, and will continue to effect him until it runs its course. Me... I am crying almost every day, attending divorce/greif groups, going to individual therapy, talking my friends' ears off; it seems that addressing the feelings whenever they come up, is the only way for me to deal. I don't necessarily know if it's the healthiest thing for me right now, but it's what I'm doing to survive my pain, I guess. Now as far as things getting worse, I think a factor is that he is away at school. I know he never cheated on me b/c he came home every weekend, and we had a very strong, honest, trusting relationship. But my point in telling you all that he was away at school, is b/c sometimes (once or twice over the 3 yrs. we were together), we went 1 month w/out seeing each other for whatever reason (he went on vaca w/his friends, & went directly back to school after that- whatever). So do you guys think that now that I've hit the 2 month mark it's harder b/c I've never gone this long w/out seeing him, but before I had (at the 1 month mark)? Also, for about 2.5 weeks now, we've completely reached the "no contact" phase (as far as e-mails and seeing how each other are doing). Do you think that now the "no-contact" is setting in??? I miss him sooooo much & love him sooooo much & don't really know how to get thru this. All I want is reassurance that we will one day (in like a yr. from now b/c that's how long it will take me to heal from all this B.S.) get back together. I know a lot of you think that is very unrealistic & wishful thinking, which it probably is, but what else do I have to hold onto? When you love someone SO MUCH????!!!