itsallgrand

Scout... ouch! that means digging deep and actually feeling regret thanks for the help!

Well, that's obviously a biased opinion.

The first time I was in love with a man: I was a virgin and he was not. We eventually made love. During an intimate moment I shared with him how scared and my doubts about how he would be feeling or thinking about the fact that I had no experience. Turns out, he was worried about the fact that he had been with someone before: that it wouldn't make me happy, that he had not saved himself for being in love, all these things. None of it mattered. Not really. You love someone for the person they are, not their past or what they have done in the past. We all come with our own experiences. What is important is what we are doing now. It's normal to have these types of thoughts: but if you two care about each other....she really won't be thinking those things! She will be so wrapped up in loving you and enjoying you and the moment...truly. Have a wonderful trip.

There's your answer right there. Work on viewing yourself that way: confident, comfortable, funny. It doesn't matter if you actually ARE that way all the time, or always feel it, just keep thinking of yourself that way. good luck

ooo this is good. Thank you. Already I'm seeing some spots I could improve on.

Ok. I see what's going on now. Frankly, if you feel that way, you probably are best not to pursue this. Going into this relationship would require extra fortitude and determination: Maybe you could be happy being friends with this man? Would that be so horrible?

I know this sounds stupid, but what the heck. I've never been good at apologizing, and it is coming time where I learnt. I always seem to muss up and frankly, I am surprised that people have been so kind and gracious to accept so far. So my question is: What to do to make the most of an apology? What NOT to do? thanks

Why is that, Yankee? What would prevent you?

Well, one side of my family is French and we greet with a kiss to each cheek. Some of us though do the 'air' kiss (don't want to leave lipstick my my) It's all what you are personally comfortable with. Really. I personally feel that us folks in the West are not as comfortable with touching as the Europeans etc. Did you ever notice how much less we touch each other here?! So, I love the opportunity to actually touch people. lol.

Ohh it sucks how things come back to bite us sometimes, eh? Honestly, I think you are 'bargaining' for his love. I don't think the ring is a good idea at this point, but that is my opinion. It sounds like you are working hard on figuring out your own deal, and in the progress a lot of feelings and unsaid things are coming up. And now you're dealing with them. I sense unspoken feelings and words yet. As difficult as it is, the past is the past and can not be changed. You can only focus on what is going on now. That's all you have, really. Very often, when we have a long history with someone, it can not all simply be forgotten ...though we would like for it to be...it needs to be addressed, however things turn out after that. I think you two are still figuring things out. It's becoming a little uncomfortable. Trust the process. If you two are meant to be together, your trust will continue to grow as you go, as will the communication (is it improving?). best luck.

Other than the opinions of those you care about/soceity - which they are entitled to, and they may not change - are there any practical reasons the two of you could not work?

You're spreading an important message that will most likely help someone in the world to avoid the pain and doubt you are now going through. What a wonderful thing to do, what a nice gift . I hope you find peace soon. My sincerest condolences on your loss. I hope that one day, soon, these feels will work themselves through, and you will know deep inside "We did everything we could to the best of our knowledge, out of love. If we had known his wishes, we would have acted on them, but since we didn't - we did what we felt was best in our hearts." Perhaps you would like to write a nice letter to your dad, letting him know how you feel. When I lost my stepfather, who I loved very dearly, to terminal cancer...I was left with many of these same feelings. "Could I have done more? Did I make the right choices in his care? Did I do everything possible to make him comfortable and would he approve?" I wrote him a letter after his passing, and it helped a lot. In my heart, I know he knew how much I loved him. And that I did everything I could. Lots of love your way.

Well, let us know how it goes. Yeah, I do understand perfectly nice people who just get to be 'a bit too much'. It makes it especially tough bc you work with them. That requires more tact, for sure. Hey, i took some shots in the dark, but perhaps it helped to clarify your feelings and true intent in the situation? that's all I hope, and that it works out for you well. You can do it. believe me, they will appreciate your candor in the end.

Scout: that's a good point. That will have to be sunshine_girl's call, though. Unfortunately, a lot of animals/children do not receive proper treatment from people....and end up being taken in by kind-hearted people who truly care about their welfare. Sunshine_girl; I have no doubt you have a good heart and do the right thing. My main point was that you need not feel guilty regardless of your choice. It is NEVER ok for someone to manipulate us. My hope is that this situation will drive you to speak up louder next time, earlier, before the situation gets too 'hairy'. You're a good friend and she did you wrong. Just remember: it's okay to protect oneself from 'friends' too

Hey. It could be that you are hanging on to the anger, and so are having a hard time moving on. Anger/hatred binds us to the person and stops us from moving forward. The first thing to do, I think, is come to terms with who she is and what she did. Three years is a long time, and it's gonna hurt. That's just the way it rolls. I'm sorry, bc I do know where you are coming from. Someone here gave me some great advice that helped me take the next step on mourning a man who I was in a long relationship with who left me feeling very hurt and filled with rage. it was: Admit your love for them. Sure, you may not feel like she deserves to be loved by you. 'she's a loser. she lied. i can do better'. All those things may be true, but some part of you really cared about this person regardless. It's not a weakness that you were able to love her. Letting yourself feel that, will help a lot. good luck

That's a very sweet gesture. I'd say that's a good sign that she feels comfortable with you and really likes you. Very nice! Enjoy her for all she is worth

Yeah, just ask him straight out. It really could not hurt. I've been in a similiar situation. Me, being quite blatant almost even rude, I asked "You seem like you might be gay. That's fine with me; but then we'll have to be friends". He laughed and said "Are you kidding? Sure, I'm no macho-man, but I find you sexy as he**. Couldn't you tell from..." Give it a go. good luck.

Best of luck, bubbleberry. If ya need anything or whatever; just pm me.

Blah blah blah! The real problem is that folks CARE about these things. We all get old wrinkly and soon-enough none of this stuff matters. The 'hottest' woman or guy is gonna one day be a loser in the little game of looks. For those that believe they are only their shell: man, they're really gonna suffer later on. 'Hot' is so relative and ... 'Nice' is so relative and ... It all depends what you are looking for. 'super-hot' people eventually tend to go for 'nice,cute' ones bc of the stability and such they seem to provide. I'm a pretty woman - but will never be considered by our soceity as a SuperModel sort. I generally agree with the observations of Gilgamesh. And it works both ways - - super hot men can fall in that same trap (even worse in ways bc its their penis doing the deciding)

You are right to stand up for yourself. Of course! You agreed to keep the cat for a few weeks, and it has been waaaay longer than that. You are a softie and she knows it. She'll suck it for all you're worth until you stop letting her. Please re-read what I have quoted from your post. I'm glad you are ready to stand up for yourself. Can you see where you need some practice?! You weren't exactly clear nor did you make her stick to her word. Not saying you should have to - a good friend won't pull this sort of stunt on purpose - but you could have prevented a lot of explosion early on. You should have laid down the law a long time ago. Nobody likes doing these things - nobody likes being a 'meanie' (well, actually i kinda get a kick out of speaking my mind ) - but with a friend you just gotta. It kinda sucks for you that you feel the need to bite your tongue with a friend! Think about it : If they really care about you, they'll still like ya' when you say what needs to be said. good luck. Perhaps a good talk with this 'friend' of yours is in order. I would personally ring her up, tell her 'we need to talk about your cat and where it is going to live, because I will not take care of it anymore'. Bring the cat to her house if need be. Make it her responsibility - bc it is. It's your call though. If you care about the cat and are willing to take responsibility for him/her; by all means do so.

Weird. I am currently reading "Les Miserables" for the first time. A dear friend recommended it. My personal favorite lifechanging book has been "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky. But it's not everyone's cup of tea. Your best bet is to walk into a big gorgeous bookstore and peruse until you find something that truly 'pulls' you. It may be something shocking and odd - if so, go with it. Sometimes cookbooks have changed my life. Ya never know what's gonna do it for ya'

That is a GREAT idea! Hmm....that's something I wouldn't mind doing myself. I think it's about time. Thanks for reminder, Tyler

Go with your gut, for sure. Just thinking of when I have stayed with someone for security vs. love : When it was for love, I did what was best for them rather than myself. Or at least what I felt was best. Security: wanted and pushed to be with them even after they made it evident that they would be happier with some space or a change... Good luck.

Hey rutger First of all, I wholeheartedly agree with the advice to join the gym and start working out regularly. You simply can not lose by doing that. I'm a woman who was in your situation at 21. Then one day I got sick of it. I started looking for a new job. I took classes to improve so that I could do what I wanted. I used to be shy. I joined a gym and learned basic bodybuilding: It totally changed my life for the better in so many ways. Listen hun, Your apartment already is burned to the ground and you already lost your job. You aren't actually there. Not your heart and soul: it's dead and dying. It's a very serious business, your life. Yes, rent needs to be paid... but that is friggin' easy when you don't feel like you want to curl up and not deal with the world. When life doesn't seem to suck so much, you find a way, No Big Deal. You know you need a change. What is stopping you - honestly?

Those who choose to stay in abusive relationships are Themselves Being Abusive. Now, I know a lot of people are gonna say 'no, no, no'. But you'd be wrong. By feeding and allowing an abusive person to carry on - you further abuse that person. You tell them with your actions "You are awful and can only hurt people. You do not deserve the respect of being loved and being acknowledged for your real self and actions". I get real, real upset at the level of non-compassion for those who outwardly abuse - by yelling, screaming, hitting, being mean with words. You know what sort of abuse is equally hurtful; and oftentimes much more so? Neglect. Not acknowledging a human being. Not being there. A child who grows up to abuse is more deeply affected by the invalidation and neglect to them as a person than the actual hitting and mean words. At least that is something! You're almost grateful bc at least someone is paying attention and letting you know you exist! YOU ARE MUCH MORE THAN WHO YOU CURRENTLY BELIEVE YOURSELF TO BE. YOU CAN CHANGE. YOU CAN WORK PAST THIS PAIN AND BE WHO YOU'VE ALWAYS SECRETLY KNOWN YOU ARE UNDERNEATH ALL THE PAIN: SOMEONE UNIQUE SPECIAL LOVING AND VALUABLE. I have been abused in my life. Very badly. I became an abuser. I'm still not done my work......but I do not hit or go into frenzies anymore. It simply is not an option. I am currently ended a round of therapy for certain traumatic events in my life: I witnessed a lot of death and mindless hate/destruction. I am definetly now going to turn to find a proper good therapist to deal with the specific issue of you're talking about here: how that level of conception of oneself, the level of hatred inside and pain and anger that blinds our consciousness to Love..... I'm talking a lot here... Keep going. Get the therapy. There is Hope! You are more than your behavior and your feelings and pain. You are much much more. My full support is with you to getting well and learning how to love yourself again. That is what this really is about, my friend.