sunshine_girl

Hi, those who have read my dilemma on what to do re I have been minding a cat since June..here is an update I finally decided to face it all, so I sent this email other day. i got a gf or two to help me out with it so it didnt sound wishy washy, and said how i felt about the issue. this is what i sent hey I hope you are well. I have been waiting for you to discuss what you are doing about your cat. I thought you were saving up to build a cat run so you could have your cat back. I have been waiting for you to discuss this! I lost my temper and said some things that perhaps weren't the best choice of words, when what I was really trying to express was my annoyance of your behaviour regarding your cat. When I asked, and you responded with "I think we have found a solution...", I felt like perhaps you were hoping I was that solution? I'm not the local shelter, I'm doing you a favour. I said in my last response that I can't get a straight answer from you about this. And I'm still waiting! If you cant make a decision on the future of your cat, then I will. now what do others think of this? its not blaming or accusatory, it is factual, and states where I'm coming from. anyway, this is what I got back What an extraordinarily cruel, hostile and threatening email. I'm saddened and offended that you have stooped to this, as it has been hard to discuss this with you, considering you have not responded to me in 10 1/2 weeks. Interesting, isn't it how our stories change when we are on the back foot. I will advise you when i will collect my cat as soon as possible and apologise for the obvious inconvenience. I presume that there will no longer be a need for correspondence after this time. i dont think it is any of the above. drama queen or what? opinions please!?

firstly congratulate yourself on getting out. and secondly hold your head up high, i applaud you on having the courage to get out, these kind of things can chew you up and spit you out before you know what has happened. he is a clear case(imho) of The Narcissistic Personality Disorder, along with verbal, emotional and physical abuse. do a google on dr irene/trubble also. read a lot. i wish i could give you a big hug. read anything by patricia evans. this helped me out of a situation that was not healthy. (i hope i arnt going against any rules by saying authors etc?). he wants you to see the world thru his warped reality, and you're not, this is why it gets worse before it gets better. (hopefully and a lot of times the "better" is instant. As in they go cold turkey). wow if my situation had "turned" as quick as yours, instead of the softly softly approach, i could have saved myself oh, about 2.5 yrs! however, ive now learned what to NEVER put up with, so its a blessing in disguise. you will be stronger for it. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND BE PROUD!!! I'm in awe of you, you go girl. ps. it can take up to 12 months to recover from a relationship like this, depending of course how long the r/shp lasted and the extent of the mindwashing caused by the "crazyspeak". read, chat on the phone, have bubblebaths, keep a grateful journal, write a list of things that you love or have a pamper bag at the ready, so if you have a down moment, you have something to cheer you up. Nothing like a chat and pink toenails to cheer you up he will leave a trail of destruction so hang in there your reputation will be restored!

gonna face it. then drift.

thanks abby

dear marob, i learnt along time ago u cant help those that dont help themselves. your post has me wondering if ive overstepped the mark myself. have a look feel free to let me know from your perspective (itd really be appreciated). my partner is 11 yrs younger than me, at 22 i wish he had more going on. but i have finally realised he will get there when he is ready. I do! and i haaaaaate being pushed. lol for that matter i dont like being used...but you'll have to read my post to see what i mean!! (cheeky grin)

oh poor petalbud! i will write tonite when i get home and have more time to comment. but i so know how u feel. im a bit older, but have kept my high school friends, now i wish id left them there. heres some insight into it doesnt get much better so what i am trying to say is that if you dont stand up for yourself now (but it seems that you are indeed, well done), then you will get treated the same way by her forever (see my thread if that didnt make sense)!

Arrgghh!!! Now the other gf in this group is stalking me!!!! i just refused a call a workmate said she was on phone for me. she doesnt normally bother much, but suddenly in last oh say 2 months since my "mexican standoff" began, she has rung my phone off its hook! 13x in 3 days? scary! stalking!! and she rings 3 weeks ago asking if im avoiding her. (noooo, well yes but said no) im not going there cos she will either yell/counsel/play best mate routine. day late and a dollar short for that. (ie she tells the other one shes seeing if the hose fits on her car exhaust....but to me; everythings perfect, fine, wonderful) now i realise why high school friends should have been left there..cos im 34 next week and this all feels just so schoolyardish!!!

thanks guys its odd...she loves her animals normally. too chicken to ask partner i think, either that or a new house with its new carpet is more important than a 4yr old cat! it is her 3rd New house.. i cant decide whether to keep up my silence, or to email and say that I am annoyed she still hasnt bothered bringing up the cat issue, I think its irresponsible, and that 9 months is a long time by anyones standards. And its not nice to just assume i want him or will keep him if she just keeps quiet! well its my birthday monday...i wonder if the penny will drop for her by then. i guess i am hoping someone points out to her that perhaps she is taking advantage of me. fat chance i think. *sigh*, what a shame it has come to this. or maybe i should just grow some b*lls this w/end, ring up on monday and just verbally state the above.

thanks, itsallgrand you are so right about me being soft. the thought of the cat ending up in a home somewhere its not really wanted broke my heart, so thats why i said he could stay....silly me i should have said yeh come and get him. im in disbelief she just keeps avoiding the topic and is now trying guilt tactics on me! i currently feel like i shouldnt have to spell it out again! so yes i guess i am partly at fault for not being clear..guess i didnt expect to get treated like this! i mite have to get lessons from you in how to get that kick!! thanks for your reply

thanks Scout for validating what im feeling!

Hi, I would really like some advice/opinions please. Anyway, here's the deal. A gf rang in tears last year cos her cat was throwing up in her newly built house (and wrecking the carpet), and she asked if I could keep him. I said I would help her out for a while, and she just needed to save up and build a cat run. I did say 6 months if necessary, whilst she saved up. That was JUNE last year. Yes, up to 9 months now. Knowing HER partner would not tolerate one of my cats for that long, I began to ask how the cat run was progressing. (I have 4 cats of my own with a cat run attached to house). I was told they didn't know what they were doing with the backyard. Every time I asked it seemed she was to gutless to ask her partner. (cat was ok in her old house then they sold their respective houses he was the neighbour and built). Has come to visit the poor cat once, she lives about 40mins drive away. Since then, I have had to hear about the $15,000 water feature & decking going in the front yard. About the new pet bird (last one flew away). About the 500 mossy plants she decided to order for some part of the garden the mower wont fit thru. About her taking out her IUD, then getting upset cos her partner didn't ask how the procedure went. Mind you she has 2 kids to ex hubby and 1 kid to ex fiancé, and a year ago discovered current man txting his 2nd ex wifey, in a very friendly manner. And he came back from a trip from overseas to visit parents, with half shaved pubic hair…called it a surprise for her. So when 2 months ago she emailed to say she was always getting lied to couldn't trust him etc, then after lunch im supposed to congratulate her on getting pregnant! I (as a good friend would, I thought), asked why she was going down that path if she thought she couldn't trust him. Got told not to ask. So I asked on the phone that night what she was doing about her cat. She said oh I think we have a solution….im like YOU DON'T WANT HIM??? She thought partners folks as they moving back, personally I cant stand her partner and I said well the cat can stay with me, but A. I said that in the heat of the moment and B. she didn't respond to that. In other words at no stage has she said: do u want my cat/can u keep my cat while I look for another home for it/etc. So after discovering she obviously doesn't want her cat anymore, I saw red and suggested a sperm bank if she just wanted another baby. So, next day I got a nasty email saying how furious she was, tells me my role is to be supportive not questioning critizing or judgeing and she wont be discussing pregnancy with me, but that she would cool off soon. So I replied with a Well I was furious too cos I cant get a straight answer on the cat, u avoid the topic and fob me off. And that she needed to talk/ask etc to me about the cat issue. And that I didn't mean to hurt her feelings (it was a bit sucky), and hoped we could both get back to happy. So the cat owner eventually sends some email funnys….but as I never saw the topic of the CAT in them I deleted them and didn't reply. The one time I did send a funny (as im pretty soft, my "mean" is a walk in the park etc), thinking ok I'll play nice, I got a sarcastic response; oh looky and I thought I was being ignored. I don't appreciate sarcasm so again, delete. So yesterday, I cop an email from her. Hows this. She reckons after 17 yrs of f/ship that I would have the decency to say I wasn't talking to her, and that she would appreciate the courtesy of a reply saying so. And that she thought she held the rights to the sacred angry stick. And that she wasn't good with things left up in the ethos, chapters are better off closed. And that she hoped I was well. Excuse me???????? What about the courtesy of her telling me her intentions with her cat? Shes shafted me and her poor cat. I feel like she is just using me as I'm a softie with animals. I am upsetting my feline household to do her a favour. My cats aren't that impressed with her cat. She hasn't paid for his keep or anything. I said I could feed him as she was my friend (thinking it was few weeks only…not 9 months plus) So basically I have not responded to a darn thing from her, and I wont, until she stops avoiding the cat issue. I would rather keep the cat and lose the so called friend, sounds like I have already. I am angry she is avoiding her responsibility, not to mention it teaches her kids pets are apparently disposable, but that's her issue. I should mention that I am normally compliant, easy going, agree to everything, help anyone out etc, let her tell me how to suck eggs etc. But I am digging my heels in and making a stand. I think she is being rude and is abusing the f/ship. Am I doing the right thing in standing up for myself? Any opinions out there please, I would really appreciate them! Thanks for reading.