Batya33

You're welcome. the anyonymity of the internet works both ways - some people might feel comfortable disclosing more, sooner but others might feel more comfortable shading the truth because they are not accountable to the person they're talking/typing to If they do feel more comfortable disclosing on the internet then you may be unpleasantly surprised when that same person is aloof or doesn't seem as "deep" in person.

It sounds to me that when a man rejects her she rationalizes it by saying the were not on her level anyway. Not a great idea because it can build up general contempt/cynicsm for men - I agree.

I think it's all well and good to re-evaluate your reasons for being turned off or uncomfortable but taken too far, you end up ignoring your deep held beliefs and values and convincing yourself that it doesn't bother you when it does. It doesn't matter if you draw the line at porn, others draw the line at plastic surgery, others are ok with pot smoking, others are not. What is so important though is self-respect and consistency - not changing with the wind just so you can have a man in your life, or even certain friends. For example, I once rejected a guy who made a lot of $ but made it by basically scamming poor people out of their money - a pyramid scheme. Since I do not seek out rich people it matters to me how someone makes his money. I found how he made his money unethical so I did not agree to see him again. Likewise, I will not date someone who now smokes pot or uses any illegal drugs, who drinks excessively and no I would not date someone who works in the porn industry. We could have interesting debates about "why" that is and whether I should reevalute these values but since I am perfectly comfortable with my level of discomfort with these types of activities and I have a self-image and an image with my colleagues, family, friends, etc that would be inconsistent with me being affiliated with someone in the porn industry I don't need to engage in endless debate about "why" I draw the line there. My question is - why are you doubting your core values and does all this debate really make you feel comfortable with going forward with someone who is involved in porn? That is all that matters. Be thankful that this person is still a complete stranger to you (you've never met in person) for romantic purposes - this way you are not as attached and don't have to worry about STDs, etc.

Sure it is - my definition of dating - and seems to be fairly accepted by everyone I know - is doing activities or spending time in person with a member of the opposite sex (or if you are lesbian/homosexual with a member of the same sex) where the intention is not purely platonic but romantic. Typing and talking means there is no in person time. If you say you're "dating" someone people presume that even if it is long distance, you have spent in person time together. Furthermore, I do not think it is possible to know whether you are compatible romantically with another person until you have spent consistent in person time together. You have no idea if there is chemistry, attraction, what the person's vibes, body language, energy, mannerisms, manners, habits are from typing or talking. You have no idea if he slouches in public, leans over the table and invades your space, has half his face paralyzed, is rude to waiters or waitresses, how he is with his family, friends, co-workers, the stranger asking for money, the stranger who bumps into him on the street, makes eye contact with you, with others, has good personal hygiene - all the hundreds of things that determine - and more - whether you are compatible romantically (I used those examples as real life examples of my experiences doing on line dating, where I would click on email/phone and then there would be no click in person). I think you can have a real friendship with a person you have never met in person - like penpals, etc but romantic relationship - if you've never met you are "in love" with an image and the fantasy of it all - you might feel the same in reality but there's just as much chance that you will not.

I agree with this. Let him know that you are unattached and not seeing anyone else. If he is interested he certainly will want to continue that conversation with you. If he is sincerely interested, he will probably not wait for you to bring that up but will ask you again whether you are available - if you are hanging around with him he clearly knows you are interested in more than friendship because you mentioned that the two of you had shown romantic feelings for each other.

Why does it make the guy bad if he doesn't want a commitment with you? Are you a bad woman when you don't want to commit to a particular guy?

Quick question - why are you putting so much weight in what a married man who is willing to stray tells you? Putting aside that, I disagree with almost all generalizations about men and women and particularly about his comment on shy/introverted men. That might be true of some men - whether or not they are shy or introverted but certainly not all. Why not get to know men as individuals through an activity you enjoy - I don't know - hiking, volunteer work, going to museums, back stage theater work, bird watching -- instead of listening to what one married men who wants to get into your pants says about "all men?"

The issue here is respect, not so much whether he would be faithful. If he chooses not to stop the behavior- and of course he can, if he wishes to - why not start checking out other men and see what he thinks.

My role as a girlfriend includes all I would do for a close friend - listening, being supportive, patient, dependable, loyal, nurturing. Beyond that I feel that I agree to see him at least on weekends, to attend couples/family functions with him if I can (and to make those a priority), to be respectful and express myself when I am angry or confused so things don't build up, etc. I also agree to be in regular touch with him. It's odd to answer this because these are all things I like to do - not what my "job" is. I guess my only obligation (although I want this to) is to be faithful since we are exclusive. All of the things I listed, he does for me too.

I would take as direct an approach as possible. Go back and ask if she'd like to have lunch or coffee sometime to continue your conversation. That way it won't be like you're asking for a full on date. If she says yes, close the deal - either set up a time/place then or get her phone number so you can follow up.

It's not that I don't it's that I have never found it to be effective since I only date for potentially serious long term relationships. many years ago it worked just fine if I just wanted to play kissy face for an evening. I have asked out several men and to me, equality for women in the workplace has nothing to do with female and male roles in a romantic relationship. At work I pursue what I want - I initiate contact with potential clients for example, etc. - in romantic relationships, in the very beginning I am friendly, warm, approachable and show interest - but allow the man to ask me out on a proper date. I say "allow" because I would be happy to do it if it seemed effective. No one I know is in a happy healthy long term relationship where the women did most of the asking, calling, planning in the first month or two of the relationship. What typically happens in that situation is either a casual fling, one or two dates and then a slow fade away by the man, or no response at all. I also find that the men i like appreciate that I can wear my professional hat at work - where I can be where needed aggressive, etc and remove that in social or dating situations where I am more "myself" i.e. softer, more feminine, etc. Feminine qualities are not really valued in my field (with a few exceptions) either by men or women. They are valued in my relationships and I think that's great.

Here's what I would do instead - no expecations until and unless there is a specific confirmed date - until then he is off your radar - and if he doesn't call that is all the confirmation/closure you need. That way, at least you save your pride and don't feel like you're chasing men.

Sounds like a convenient excuse to me - your so-called guilty feelings - you were too lazy to leave so you chose to have children with her. Nothing to do with positive values on your part. You've made your bed and your children shouldn't suffer for it. Why not go to marital counseling and see what can be salvaged or leave her so she can find someone to cherish her, make sure you co-parent those kids emotionally and financially - it's not their fault! - and move on.

You just have to be careful that what you call being picky/not settling is not simply an excuse not to put in the effort it takes to be in a relationship. for example - one very happily married man I know (married about 20 years) broke up with his now wife because she didn't like to camp and he loved to go camping. He realized he missed her terribly, that this was a compromise he could make and they have had a happy life together from what I understand. It depends what you are picky about - if she has to have a certain color eyes or hair that might be too picky but if you won't settle for someone with an incompatible sense of humor, that is more of a core value. Hope that makes sense. I know several people who have or are seriously contemplating settling. What is interesting is that before they get engaged they are very open about their doubts, etc and once the engagement is announced that talk stops completely and all talk is about the safe subjects of wedding planning, home buying, honeymoon, family planning.

I was told on a single blind date in about 45 minutes that: he wanted to keep his car until he had driven it the number of miles between earth and moon; he wanted to start a website for likeminded people; the last book he read was an audiobook - how to fall in love in 30 days (something like that) he collected a specific type of musical instrument world wide and spent hours on ebay searching for different countries' versions (ok that could be kind of interesting); he lived with his mother and they shared a bathroom. I also found out after a different blind date that he was into erotic origami. I don't make those things up. I have to say though, I find that sharing war stories can be bonding but it is so easy to get cynical and give up.

I think in a healthy relationship you can have all those things - I do. I pursue my career in a more confident way because my boyfriend is a great sounding board/brain stormer for the things I am trying to do, we each spend sufficient time with our friend alone, and I love that we call each other to check in - it's a nice warm/fuzzy feeling most of the time. As for money, I'm not so interested in acquiring things. not saying you should date but I don't think you need to justify the benefits of singledom by highlighting perceived negatives of being in a relationship - both have their advantages and disadvantages.

It's the fact that you were surprised that is confusing. If you assume your three month rule, little should surprise you in the first 6 weeks.

To me the most effective way is to make sure you attend events concerning interests you have so that approaching people won't seem automatically like you're trying to date the person - it might just be related to the reason you're both there. For example, I meet people through my volunteer work and at the parties that are given for my fellow volunteers and other volunteers at the organization. Other friends are involved in community theater, business or professional organizations or their temples/churches, etc. Meeting people this way breaks the ice and makes people feel less on guard when approached because the whole purpose of the event is to meet and talk with people.

Six weeks is six weeks and you chose to see her that often and get that intense. Better to get to know someone over time. Sounds like she liked the thrill and romance of a new relationship, then went on holiday, realized she missed being "free" and that was that. You can't truly count the first two months as a predictor of the future of the relationship because often it's so head over heels, thrilling, larger than life - and that is what a lot of people enjoy, not the comfort and stability of a long term relationship.

At this point I would stop being so available - spend a few minutes at the cafe, then leave. If he wants to spend time with you he has to make the effort to ask you out on a proper date he plans in advance.

I read to homeless children at the shelter they live at. They get a lot out of it and so do I - I enjoy it, I feel like I am contributing, etc. So, partly it's altruistic in that it's totally volunteer and partly I enjoy it. sometimes I don't feel like going and I go anyway because it is the right thing to do. I'm not sure that we have to focus on total altruism in order to add to the good in this world - if we held that as the standard, most people wouldn't even consider helping others if they thought it would be looked at as at least partly selfish. I don't believe on focusing on testing your altruism by considering "would I take a bullet for anyone" - I believe in focusing on actions that increase the good in this world, small and large.

I am a successful/educated professional, financially independent, have been so for the last 12 years. I typically date men from my profession. I live similar to you and in a major city (but I do not drive). I have never had the issue you describe and, indeed, my dating life improved when I went into this field (I used to work with young children). The men appreciate that I am independent, reasonably sophisticated, etc. Here is one thing I would consider - think carefully about what vibes you give off when you have the man over - are you giving off the vibe of pride in what you own, is your home welcoming and cozy? I am sure you've considered all this. I think it is easier to be in "our" situation in a larger city where perhaps the people who live there are more openminded including about women being at that kind of level.

If it were me I would not have called to ask if he wanted to go on a date he had suggested. I would have waited for him to call me to confirm the date - if we had agreed on a specific time and place I would show up at that time, etc. if he hadn't then it's not confirmed and he needs to call you to firm up plans.

I had that problem until I was a young adult. what helped me a lot was visualizing the tablet going down and focusing on that mind set.

This is fairly simple. First of all cyber dating is not real dating so you are not in a dating or romantic relationship with him. You have now discovered that you are incompatible with respect to some important values of yours. Be thankful that you learned this now and take it as a lesson to not get attached to typing and talking with someone in advance of meeting in person. Whether any of us would be ok with it (I certainly would not be for two reasons - the porn and his justification "easy money" - I don't respect that type of reasoning) is irrelevant. Know yourself and your boundaries and that makes the answer simple.