Daligal83

I don't think there are any rules as to how a LDR has to work. Each couple has to figure out how it works for them. Some couples will talk 5 times a day, some will talk 2-3 times a week. As long as you are both happy with how often and by what means you talk, then it's fine. By the way, I think it's great that you guys are understanding of the other person sometimes being too busy to talk.

They really are. It's hard especially after spending the whole break together. Maybe you should call up some of your friends and go out to dinner tonight, so that you aren't sitting around thinking about him.

Hey MnMsRule! I know how you are feeling. I'm doing the LDR thing too and it's so hard. Last semsester I was a mess at the beginning and when he came to visit me, I bawled when he left. I called my best friend and left a message and she called back all worried because she said it was the saddest thing she had ever heard. Luckily this semseter, I started school the day after I got back so I've been busy. I think once you start school and hanging out with your friends again, it'll get easier. Of course you won't stop missing him, but you'll be more distracted. Can you plan your next visit with him? That way you have something to look forward to.

Dako, I can always count on you for a laugh You're right, those are not universal traits. It's kind of disconcerning though that I'm finding them in future social workers who want to do therapy...oh well. Honey Pumpkin and Crazyaboutdogs, you are both right. Unfortunately, not all friendships will last, especially ones like these. I have cut out a lot of people like this. I posted earlier this year about a girl who got mad at me when I couldn't talk to her and called me weeks later (after we stopped talking to each other) saying she had wanted to kill herself and basically made it sound like if she had, it would have been my fault. Needless to say, she's out of my life. It just gets frustrating that I do cut these people out, and then find more to take their place. Oh and Honey Pumpkin, thanks for the comment about me being articulate! I appreciate that

Hey, I just have to say that it's great to see people considering adoption, especially older children. I just finished my certificate in child welfare and my current internship is at an adoption agency that deals with older child and special needs adoption. It's something I'm extremely passionate about. I think that if you have the ability to do it (emotionally, financially), it is an incredible thing. I also wanted to say that your friend who relactates and nurses those babies is doing the right thing. Abused and neglected kids form attachment problems because at some point in their development, they learned not to trust since their needs weren't met. It's been shown that if these kids, of any age, can go back and basically be reparented through those stages, it helps so much. Good for her! Also, paisley I'm sorry you had to go through all that and that others are being insensitive. Thank you for pointing out something that we may not have realized otherwise.

This is just a general rant more than anything. I'm just sick of forming friendships that revolve around them telling me their problems. Not to say that I don't appreciate them confiding in me and being able to help them, but it seems like a lot of these friendships ONLY involve them telling me their problems. They may do the standard "hey how are you" thing, but then go right into their own issues. If I try to bring up anything that's going on with me, they give me short answers that don't really mean much or just start making jokes. I just don't get why it keeps happening. I do have great friends who I listen to and who listen to me, so I'm not lacking in support. I'm just sick of this happening over and over again. I'll give an example that made me start this rant. My friend IMed me today, and this friend constantly IMs me about his life. He likes to give me "updates" even though nothing has actually happened. He doesn't ask what's going on with me, how school is going, how I'm dealing with my LDR, etc. It's all about him. And he constantly has to say how great of a person he is. Like he's looking for a job and isn't having luck, and he says that they need to wake up and look at his qualifications. It's not a huge deal, but it just bothers me. It's like he has to say it to make it true (not that I'm saying he's not a smart and qualified guy). Anyway...he asks what I'm up to and I said eating lunch. He goes, I should do that and my reply was yea food is good. He goes, alright "I'll let you go do that then, I'll updated you on my situation later I guess...." OK, it's not like he said can we talk and then I blew him off. And why must I constantly be available so he can update me? Seriously, nothing happened! He said he was packing to move. I know he's moving. I know he doesn't have a job yet. Why would he get upset about wanting to tell me things he's already told me? I know this all sounds trivial and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing..but it's just one example. I have so many people in my life that complain to me about what goes on in theirs and belittle or don't care about me. One last example and my rant is over... At the end of last semester I had planned on going to see my boyfriend after my last class, but then my ride wanted to leave the next day and I couldn't take the bus there cause it left in the middle of my class. I was upset cause I hadn't seen him for 3 weeks and I knew we'd do nothing in class, yet the professor couldn't say if we'd get out early or not. I couldn't do anything about it, but I was just frustrated. I tried to vent to a friend about this and her reply was "Can I just stop you for a second and remind you that you just saw him over thanksgiving?" I'm like, "But that was 3 weeks ago." She goes "Yea but you've gone longer." I'm said, "You flipped out when your boyfriend had to go out of town for two days." She goes, "Yea..but we live together." So...it's ok for her to miss her boyfriend but not me. All because they live together. That makes it more valid? Could she not just empathize with me here? I mean we are training to be social workers..empathy is kinda key. If anyone has actually read this rant, thank you. I just needed to let it out.

Hey WadeCure! I think that if you are not ready, don't do it. Moving in together is a huge step, and doing it just to save the relationship could actually hurt the relationship. In my opinion, moving in together should only be done when both people are sure that it is the right time and what they want. You've only been together 3 1/2 months, what's the rush? About your fear of losing her if you don't move in together because of the job, if she really wants to be in this relationship, she won't leave you because of it. Since your ultimate goal is to get a job in her city, I think she should be able to see you a little less often in order to make that happen. Sure it won't be easy, but just remind her that it'll make the time you do spend together even better. She might be pushing it because she's afraid of losing you to this job, so just reassure her that it won't happen and make sure to act on that.

Hey, I think all the advice you've gotten is great so far. I don't really have anything to add to that...I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I have the same fear, except I don't enjoy swimming so I'm not forcing myself to get over it. I think if you do what the above posters said, you'll be just fine and be able to enjoy swimming again

I know that it hurts to hear that, but he may have a good point. Going from long distance to a "regular" relationship is a tough transition alone, and adding in the transition to living together could be too much. It may be a good idea, like arwen said, to find an apartment in his city and just adjust to being in the same city. It'll come with it's own challenges and hey, it's better than long distance! Then you can both decide when you're ready to live together.

Hey Stasiabren, welcome to ENA! I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time in your relationship. It can't be easy, especially being so far apart. I think your boyfriend is being unfair in neglecting your relationship. It can become easy to do when your partner is not actually with you and your job takes up so much time. I think that you should try to voice your concerns to him, because otherwise how will he know that you're not happy? I know that you want him to do it all on his own so you know that it's what he wants, but I think that even if you tell him what you want he'll only do it if he truly wants to. Yea he might do it at first and then go back to his old patterns, but then you'll know that at least you tried and maybe you need to move on. I always say to try to work through your problems, and then if you can't be happy with the way things are, you know you're just not right for each other. Don't expect him to totally change. You'll still probabably have to deal with interacting with him less than you did before he got this job, but he can still do more than he is. I have to say if my boyfriend did that (I'm in a LDR too), I would not be happy. Good luck!

I'm kinda surprised by so many people saying to wait. Not that I'm saying you guys are wrong, not at all. I respect everyone's opinion. I just find it interesting because it's something that I've been considering. Right now my boyfriend of 5 months and I are in a LDR. We were friends for about 3-4 years before we started dating (we met in undergrad). I'm graduating in 4 months (yay!!!) and he'll have two years of school after that. I'm primarily looking for a job where he goes to school, which is where we both went to undergrad. We've talked about getting married and know that's what we want to do once he's done with school. The way he's been talking, I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed this summer or into next semester. So the way I see it, we plan on getting married and if I'm going to be in the same city, it'd be really nice to live together. I wasn't sure about it, but then one day I came home from school and was in a completely anti-social mood. I was so thankful that I live alone so I didn't even have to deal with a roommate, but then my next thought was, it'd be really nice if I had come home to my boyfriend. I don't know...I know all the statistics and the dangers, but I still feel like this is something I want to do. Sorry for the rambling...I should have my this my own thread lol.

I think a lot of it comes down to the couple's reasons for wanting to live together before marriage. You can't say that all of them just want to "try it out" and thereforeeee aren't ready. It's not always the case. I think a lot of the time when it does lead to divorce or breaking up, it's because moving in together was done as a means of fixing problems in the relationship. But if it's done because both partners feel that they are ready and committed, I don't see the need to be married or engaged first.

lisica gave good advice. I'm in an LDR too, and just back back to school yesterday. It makes it much easier to handle if you have activities to keep yourself busy with. Have hobbies to do in your downtime so you don't get overwhelmed with those thoughts. Also, don't forget to do nice things for each other. Send care packages, cards, emails, etc. Doing those little things is so important when you can't actually be with each other. Good luck!

It's impossible to know what they will do with that money. Some homeless people are just regular people like us who have run into trouble, some are mentally ill, some have substance abuse problems, etc. I tend not to give money, since I have no idea what category this person falls into. I see a lot of homeless people around where I have my internship, so usually I'll give them my lunch if I've packed one that day. I really want to take a homeless person out to lunch someday, but I'm nervous about it since I have no idea who this person is.

My boyfriend told me last week that his ex had contacted him and wanted to meet up. They dated only for a couple months, it was a year ago, and it wasn't anything special. He was really happy when she broke it off. I totally trust him and have no real problem with him hanging out with her. He mentioned something about her wanting his advice on how to let a guy down because of religious reasons, since he's been in that position many times. My first instinct was fear...thinking why could she want to get together with him after so long? What if she wants to get back together? But then I remembered that he loves me, wasn't so crazy about her, and that he was honset about it from the moment it happened...so now I really don't care. I think in your situation...since he knows you don't like her and he doesn't have good relations with her...I can completely see why you are upset. Also hanging up on you instead of talking about it seems pretty immature. I think you need to examine your relationship and see if it's one worth staying in. He doesn't seem to respect how you feel. Keep us posted!

Have you explained to him that it's not because you don't want to talk to them, but that you can't. Maybe he can help you learn the language faster. If you made the sacrifice of moving to HIS country, he better be understanding about the transition it takes on your part. I think you need to have a serious talk with him.

I think the surprise proposal works when there has already been agreement from both sides that they want to get married. My boyfriend and I know that we will get married, and we know it'll be after he finishes school...but I have no clue when he'll propose. I don't think it'll be anytime soon...so it'll still be a huge surprise as to how/when he does it.

Even if he won't try therapy, that doesn't mean you can't. Seeing a therapist can help you figure out what you want to do on your side. In my opinion though...I don't see this getting any better. He is being extremely controlling and that rarely improves without any sort of intervention. Considering he is not willing to work with you, you have to think of yourself and your happiness. You do not have to do whatever he says just because you're his wife. And please do not let him take over all the financial matters. Was this a gradual change or very sudden? Keep posting here! This is a great community.

My boyfriend's humor involves teasing me also. So did my ex's. With my ex, it turned into constant fighting because I wanted him to stop and he'd say, this is me, deal with it. With my current boyfriend, I end up laughing or tickling him for it or something. The difference? My ex wouldn't compensate by being sweet to me too. It was just constantly making fun of me. My current boyfriend is incredibly sweet. He'll hold my hand while he makes the joke, or tell me I'm beautiful 15 minutes later. And it's not to make up for the joke..cause the joke was funny. It's just how he is. Also, the jokes are different. My ex's weren't actually funny, and my current's really are. So I'd take a look at what type of jokes you are making and how you treat her aside from those jokes. I think if you just make her feel loved, she'll be ok. And I am a Leo too

My boyfriend asked me yesterday which I would prefer...and I didn't know what to say. I told him to surprise me with a day of ring shopping haha. He got me a gorgeous necklace for Channukah though, so I trust him on his jewelry choices. I think I'd rather be surprised.

So I was wondering what people would prefer...a completely out of the blue surprise proposal, or to go ring shopping together and have an idea it was coming? Guys or girls opinions on what you would prefer to do or have happen would be appreciated

First bf: He said it after 2 weeks. I didn't really know what to do so I said it back...but looking back I definitely wasn't in love after 2 weeks. Curren bf: He said it at around 3 months and I had completely fallen in love with him probably about a month before.

I wouldn't snoop. To me, if I don't trust my partner to the point that I feel like I have to do that to figure out what he's doing..the relationship is doomed. It can't survive without that trust. So regardless of if he is cheating or not, I'd either address the trust issue or leave.

I can find another man attractive without wanting to sleep with him. There is a huge difference. Yes, I am choosing to be with this one guy..and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I forgot to mention earlier...you said that you base your responses on your personal experiences...but so do the rest of us. We have obviously had extremely different life experiences. Why are yours more right than anyone else's?

Calvin, I think you're frustrated because you want to be able to sleep around and can't find any truly single people to do it with. So you want people in relationships to be able to so that you can have it the way you want. Otherwise, I can't figure out why you are so upset that people choose just to sleep with their significant others. How could it possibly affect you this much? Why is it so hard to believe that we only be with one person? You said it irks you that single people in relationships "limit" themselves..but I don't see it as limiting myself at all. I have zero desire to be with anyone else, and I know my boyfriend feels the same. RayKay had a good point. If you can't manage to be with one person before you are married, how is that going to change after? Why does a piece of paper suddenly curb all your desires to have multiple partners?