Daligal83

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Manipulating them into it doesn't mean they actually want to be with you, it means they feel obligated to be with you. Is that what you want?

I think the reason why she is acting like this is because she is afraid. She was extremely hurt and doesn't want that to happen again, so she's keeping you at somewhat of a distance. I say just keep going as you're going, make sure that you really are changing things and not just trying to get her back. She might be afraid that once you have the security of having her back, you'll take her for granted again and slip into your old ways.

I agree that she didn't do the right thing. I suggest talking to her about it though. Say maybe that you misunderstood and thought she was supposed to call you back, so you were waiting for her to do so. Then you can ask why she didn't. Or just flat out say, "I need to talk to you about something. I thought you were going to call me back and then I saw you were talking to so and so on myspace." See where it goes from there. Does she do this often? If not, I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt and see if she stops after you talk to her. If she keeps doing this, then I'd rethink the relationship.

Just saw that post and I'm so sorry. That is such a hard thing to go through but remember, it is not your fault! Do you think you could call your therapist and bump your meeting up to today?

Hey tabbycat, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I think it's great though that you're going to therapy tomorrow. Does writing poetry help you resist cutting? Maybe it'd be helpful to find outlets like that so when you do feel that need, you can choose alternative way to express your pain. Also, has your therapist given you techniques to use when you feel like cutting, or is this your first meeting?

Have you thought of trying couple's counseling? I know you said that you want to get rid of her first, and deal with the marriage later, but I think they go hand in hand. Either he isn't in love with her and you don't trust him, or he is and that needs to be dealt with. I think both of those could be dealt with in couple's therapy. It could help you navigate this in a way that could save your marriage.

"More often, however, sexual assault involves psychological coercion and taking advantage of an individual who is under duress or incapacitated and, thereforeeee, incapable of making a decision on his/her own (including under the influence of alcohol, drugs and/or prescription medications)." That's from the RAINN website and it describes exactly what I think happened. They said it varies from state to state, but that's a general definition. One of the things they say to help prevent this is to go out with a group of friends and look out for each other. Can I say that it's scary that I DID go out with friends...my best friend here and a good friend from undergrad. They knew he was coming over and didn't do anything. The next day they were like, sooo what happened?? I mean it's not their fault, it's not their job to look after me, but still. I just don't know what to do with this. I knew it was wrong, but I accepted my responsibility in it for being that drunk. I also don't think I suffered from it at all. I was upset for a little while after obviously, but no long term effects.

Does it vary from state to state? Because I looked up laws in the state I'm currently in that that was not mentioned. Just out of curiosity, what if there are two people in a relationship and one is drunk and the other isn't...is that still rape? Even if the one who was drunk never said no at any point?

Also...I'm assuming he was sober because he drove to my apartment and drove himself home. He had met up with me at a bar (cause I thought we were friends...) coming from another function and I think he had a beer, but I can't remember. It was over a year ago.

Well, I said it wasn't rape because while I was pretty drunk, I was still aware of what I was doing. I definitely would NOT have done it if I was sober...and I kept saying no while he kept suggesting it and I eventually gave it...mixture of alcohol and being really lonely. I stopped it after like 3 minutes and the creepy jerk goes, "I'll show you how much I care about you and I'll stop." Ugh I hate him. I go to school with him and still had to see him. He'd try to talk to me and eventually I was like, listen leave me alone. Every once in awhile he'll try to talk to me again and I've had to tell him on three different occasions to leave me alone. I think he's gone for good now though...I don't even see him in school. I think he dropped out. Thanks Jen for telling me about that. Now I'm kind of worried though if I should have reported it? Is it still rape if I was aware of my actions?

Wow..that sounds so much like my ex! He constantly would talk abut himself like he was the greatest thing. He would say how he's the smartest person in his class, how he's the best worker at his job, how he was in a "gang" and knew this really powerful guy, how his club at college was the best (even though it got derecognized!)...the list goes on and on. He also wanted to be the center of my world and if he felt I put anything above him, he'd throw a fit. He was even jealous of my niece, who was an infant at the time! He was also pretty emotionally abusive, criticizing everything I did and reminding me that he could cheat and I wouldn't find out and that if we broke up, he'd find someone faster. Oy..so glad to be done with that! Thanks for posting that link...I knew something was off with him, but it's nice to know there's a possibility that it's a diagnosable thing.

I agree with kr356. Relationships change and they progress...all the sweet stuff from the beginning doesn't always stay or it at least lessens. I wouldn't worry unless you talk to him and he specifically says he isn't happy. Also, I think kisses on the forehead are great! There's a lot of affection behind them in my opinion.

Is there any way that you can travel to see him so it's now always him having to do that? If you each took a trip once a month, I bet it'd make things a lot easier. Also, what does he do with his weekends? What are his reasons for not being able to schedule more visits? It concerns me that he dismisses how you feel about this so easily. I don't think he should be telling you that you shouldn't be upset about anything...if you are upset then you are upset. You guys need to talk about it and come to a solution that works for both of you and if he's not willing to do that...I'd seriously question this relationship. He may have all those great qualities...but those are all things he is, not how he treats you.

I just want to say, you are all some of the strongest women I have ever met. Well, not met..but been aware of. I can't imagine going through that and I'm impressed that you can all talk about it. I've never been raped. I had a bad sexual experience last year that involved me being extremely drunk and the guy being totally sober, but still wasn't rape. That screwed me up for awhile so I can't even imagine what you girls have gone through. Again, I just wanted you to know how strong you are.

I think how you start those kind of conversations really determines how they go. You have to use what I learned in my couples therapy class, a "soft start up." So instead of saying something like, you never listen to me while you're doing the dishes, it would be more productive to say "I feel ignored when you do the dishes and don't seem to hear what I'm saying" If you use a harsher start up, she's going to be come defensive, especially since she has low self esteem. And about the low self esteem...you can't change that. It's great that you tell her how wonderful she is and how much you love her. But she has to resolve that on her own. You can't give it to her. Unfortunately, it has an effect on your relationship. Do you think she'd explore some counseling to help with that?

Congrats on graduating soon! You say that you want to change the work to be a better place...what specific causes are important to you?

Hey rasheed! Welcome to ENA This is definitely a great place to explore your emotions and get support, so I'm glad you found it. Could you tell us your age (if you're comfortable with that) so that we can help you better? The advice I'd give you differs depending on your age and where you are with your life.

Hey RayKay. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I think everyone has given you really great advice. I just wanted to add that I feel that you should make sure this reconnection is not all one sided. It sounds like you're doing a lot now to reconnect with him and that's great. But make sure that he's actively involved in this also. I don't mean necessarily doing the things you do, but at least being responsive to your bids for connection. Even when one person is hurt, it still takes two to be in the relationship.

For you guys that say you cannot be truly friends with females...what happens when you are in a relationship? Do you still try to or want to get with your female friends? Should your girlfriends be worried about you hanging out with them?

Um...wow. Leave this guy. He obviously is completely unaware of how to function around other people. That's just scary. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You are definitely WAY too good for this guy and I see no problems with breaking up with him over the phone. If he says that it's not cool that you did, remind him of the parking lot incident and say you didn't want to see an outburst like that again.

I don't think my measurements have changed. I'm wearing the same jeans and they aren't tighter, but they aren't looser either. I should start measuring because I have no idea if I'm making any progress. I think a lot of it has to do with my eating habits. It's not like I'm eating a ton of junk food. I don't keep any in my apartment, but at work there's always something bad for us sitting there and when I eat at school I end up with something like chicken salad usually. I'm not good at resisting the temptation. That's why I just don't keep it in my place. I talked to my mom about this though, and I'm eating a lot of foods that are full of carbs and sugar. Like my main veggie was corn and my main fruit were bananas. So I'm going to make a grocery list this weekend and go over it with her and make sure I'm getting some good stuff. It's just hard because I'm just learning to cook and don't know how to make a lot...and I really hate cooking haha. I do eat small meals each day. For breakfast I'll have a lean pocket and oatmeal. For lunch it's usually a sandwhich and yogurt or yogurt covered raisins. Dinner can be leftovers or pasta (tortellini or that kind of enriched pasta with fiber and vitamins) or a veggie burger. I eat snacks in between and try to make them healthy. If I end up having dessert, it's a weight watchers dessert or popcorn. The only exception is Thursday nights because my friend and I get a better dessert to eat while watching The Office I drink a lot of water. I have a water bottle that I keep at my desk so I absentmindedly drink it while I'm sitting here. It's pretty big and I'll usually fill it up 3 times a day. While I'm at work I'm usually sipping water too, but not as much because I'm so busy.

So over the past about year and a half I've made exercising part of my lifestyle. I probably lost close to 20 pounds as of this past summer. I was around 136 when I started and I got down to about 118. I was happy! I'm 5'2" so that's still not that skinny but for my body type that was good. So I ended last semester at 118. I've seen the scale slowly creeping up and I went to the doctor today and I was 126!! I don't eat perfectly, but I'm pretty good. I eat small portions (I get full really easily) and try to be healthy but still treat myself. I only drink water, except for a glass of lactaid chocolate milk in the morning for calcium. One main difference this semester is that I started cooking. For the past 3 semesters I've lived off of Lean Cuisines. I cook once a week and freeze the rest. I work out at least 4 times a week. Thursday and Friday I go to the gym with a friend and do cardio. It's for a half an hour either on the elliptical, stepper, or walking on an incline of 15 at a 3.3-3.5 speed. On the weekends I'll either go to the gym with another friend and do and hour of cardio and some weight lifting or workout at home doing stuff on TV. I'll do usually leg workouts (lunging) that include cardio and lift some weights. I do ab work every time I workout. I feel like all my work is being ruined and I don't know why. I've worked really hard to get into shape and while I'm definitely in better shape than when I started working out, I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't have more time to increase my workouts. I realize that this could be muscle weight, but how am I supposed to know for sure? I don't want to assume it's muscle while I'm actually gaining weight for some reason. Any advice?

I have an overdramatic friend too. Once we were out shopping in this neighborhood and she stepped in gum, so she flipped and said we had to go home. We didn't...but her initial reactions are always extreme. Another time we left a friend's apartment and we had parked down the street, as soon as we got to the street she goes, OH MY GOD! MY CAR IS GONE! I was like, no it's not..you're just not far enough down the street and on the wrong side of the road. While I agree that a week isn't really long enough to be over a relationship, I get that you're saying it's not just this. It's hard to sympathize with a friend who is ALWAYS dramatic, even if this time she's justified. Like the others said, maybe you should spend less time with this girl. That's what I've done and even though when we do hang out I find myself stressed, in general my life is easier to handle because it's less often.

ghost, if you look at the previous posts here, it's not about the material gift. I truly don't think n83 is a "material girl" here. And if he said thanks, how is that enough? It's not like it was a random day. It was valentine's day. If he had even given it the thought to give her a card, that would have been fine. It's not about her not getting a physical present, it's about not being appreciated in the relationship. Expecting a present on valentine's day is not a pushy move at all or moving fast in a relationship. That's her boyfriend.

Are there any scholarships you can apply for to help you get through school? Check out if that school has any and also check out link removed. It has you fill out information about yourself and finds all these scholarships that apply to you. You might end up writing a ton of essays for them, but hey it's worth a shot.