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friscodj

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  1. friscodj
  2. friscodj
    Welcome to ENA Cashmoney! Love the username dude, great to have you here... I was like "What is this dude's problem anyway? He's totally overthinking this. Sounds like money to me..." Until I read your last line there about the recent ending of her 6-year relationship... Well, what can you do? There is no such thing as a perfect setting for a potential relationship, there's always something... The best advice I can think to give you is go into Spring Break thinking it is just that, a break. Don't get your hopes up about a long-term relationship with her or any relationship for that matter. Don't expect it or get attached to the idea of it. Don't think past the day you are enjoying together doing whatever it is you find yourselves doing... In short, let go of all this constrictive overanalyzation and keep things going as they have been as it sounds like you guys are doing pretty good. Go have some fun dude, that's what I'm trying to say... 0X
  3. friscodj
    I think this is an issue of necessity and should be given out on a "need to know" basis... Does she need to know? Do you need to tell her because it is eating you up too much? Tell her if you need to, otherwise leave her and her ideas about her little girl growing up to herself, there's no shame in that. I never told my Mom anything about this sort of thing...in my mind it simply isn't her business...and I couldn't bear the thought of taking advice on the matter from moms! :shocked!:
  4. friscodj
    Hey audrey- Well, it sounds to me like you did what you could, you made an attempt to be friends, and he declined. That point is pretty clear to me and as disappointing as that likely is for you, sometimes, things just go that way. Now, I want to ask you why you want to add him to your friends list when he is not your friend? Where are you at right now emotionally with the break up and how you feel about him? What is the source of your desire to be his friend in light of his denial of such?
  5. friscodj
    Welcome to ENA distancesucks, great to have you here... It sounds to me like the best thing you can do for yourself, whether or not this relationship works out, is to address your abusive tendencies you exhibited towards him in your relationship. There is absolutely no good reason to do to him what you did, the standing outside in the cold, slapping and scratching him, there is simply no reason for it. I think these are indicators of deeper issues you may not realize at this point which will preclude a healthy relationship with anyone. Likely, these types of behaviors stem from past family issues. At any rate, you are in school now and have access to free or low-cost counseling. I strongly suggest you look into this, even if for one session, talk about some of the things you did, and see what the professional has to say. You say you don't know what's wrong with you and it is the right time now to figure this out. Help yourself first, dig into this yourself and with the help of a good counselor, and I think help for the relationship will follow from that. And come or go with the relationship, you are making a priceless investment in yourself and your future for healthier relationships with other people and with yourself.
  6. friscodj
    This is exactly why you shouldn't even allow yourself to think about situations like this. There is no way you are going back. You get out, you get away first and think later...
  7. friscodj
    I have to disagree here persuaded. I think doing what you did gave you such a priceless gift of knowledge and understanding about life, love, break ups, yourself, people, and pain that there is no other way to acquire this gift of discovery than going through it for yourself, living it, feeling it, knowing it. You'll get over the pain, you won't hurt anymore, but you'll never forget the experience and the psychological and emotional depth to it. For this reason, I think the heartbreak was worth it. And knowing the sour like this will make the sweet sweeter when (and it will) comes into your life.
  8. friscodj
    I know bro, things like this are nowhere near easy in any way, shape, or form. Think ahead here a bit. What if you do start talking to her again? She'll likely use you just like she did the last time and equate her negative behaviors with the methods with which she can control you. You'd just be feeding the dysfunction here if you went back to her at this point in providing a band-aid for her cracked skull. And then you do this once and it will fuel your tendency to want to help her and your life will become wrapped up in caring for her wounds lie this without regard for your own happiness. In short, I can definitely see this thing turning into a co-dependent disaster. You are best to stay away until this situation becomes more stable for both of you.
  9. friscodj
  10. friscodj
    Welcome to ENA Marcus_Fenix! Great to have you here. I can relate to your situation for sure. You have no problem talking women casually but as soon as there is the idea of romantic interest, things change. For some reason, this idea triggers fear, negativity, and insecurity. Any idea what that reason could really be? And it is just that...an idea. I think you are thinking both too far ahead and too far outside of the situation here in that you perceive and worry about becoming a "pest" to others. In many senses, you are simply overanalyzing such situations, this is generating defensive illusions for some reason, and you just need to let go of this. The key is developing a mindset for yourself to get around this restriction. So my advice to you is continue to make jokes and talk to women just like you are doing. The change I suggest you make is instead of looking at the situation as one of "success" or "failure" look at it as the possible development of a connection with another human being. You are just talking to her today. Tomorrow you'll do the same thing. If not, come or go with this, it is no big deal. You still have a great life outside of this and many more possibilities for meeting people. If a real connection, a basis for at least spending some time together outside of class, results, you will feel that and this feeling will likely put you more at ease with the situation. If things don't seem right to you, then let it go. Don't make something out of nothing and/or think you'd be "chickening out" if you don't complete some mission to "succeed" in such situations by pursuing something deeper that isn't there just because of the presense of "signals". And don't think for a second your "probability of success" is zero if you don't make a move. Especially in your situation and the 4:1 ratio girls-to-guys, women are likely to make moves on you, ask you out, things like this. So just keep doing what you're doing but when you sense the fears and worries creeping in, catch them and realize they have no basis because they don't. Refocus to the present situation right in front of you right then, build some rapports with people, and readjust instead of restrict your natural inclination to overanalyze in this way in assessing your feelings and observations about these rapports and pursuing something that you really feel is worth taking a bit of a risk for, which at that time won't be much of a risk because the progression into a romantic setting will likely be easier for you.
  11. friscodj
    I like your answer! It sounds like you have a good perspective on this and is one I agree with. Your only real obstacle will be to overcome the pressure of having to live up to some idea of an expectation you have in your head. I think if/when you reach the point of making love to her, your belief in your connection will overcome this to an extent, but the time leading up to the first time or two might make you feel very anxious. Realize this is normal and when you do start making love, I am pretty sure things will feel better for both of you. This is a very serious issue. Has she considered talking to a professional about her feelings related to this? I can definitely see where an experience like this can mess someone up for a long time in deeper ways than even she may realize. This is going to be the biggest challenge to overcome for you both here and I think talking to a professional about this can only help the situation.
  12. friscodj
    Hey settinuplife- You cannot help her, especially with your romantic feelings for her. I guaran-freaking-tee you if you start down the path of being a "helper" with romantic intentions, you will ultimately not like the result. Been there and done that my friend... You cannot help her. Period. You are not a professional therapist. She has friends and a boyfriend for support. You felt like she used you as a doormat. You are not over her. You loved her more than anyone ever. She is unstable and has a clinical mental condition. You do the math here... You have got to stop listening to the grapevine and let go. As hard and as cold as that seems, its what is necessary here. You have to let go and stop trying to intervene in business that your involvement will both not help her or yourself.
  13. friscodj
    Hey WHL- Look, don't think of it as "caving". This implies a negative connotation and in your case here, this is not the case. You really felt in your heart you should contact him so you did. This is not wrong at all, especially given the fact there was a definite issue that was likely the driving force of the split and you are taking very real steps to address it. This is wonderful for you regardless of the outcome of this one relationship and in this way, this break up and resulting grief motivated you to take a very important turn in your life. Attaching positivity to the situation like this is huge when it comes to either attempting reconciliation or dealing with the grief of separation. In short, you did great here... Now... Your desire to be friends in attempts to prove yourself to him ultimately desiring a relationship, and especially given his reaction of not wanting to hear your expressions of feelings for him yet his desire to "possibly get together in the future" while desiring to keep in contact, lead me to believe this is only going to cause more pain for you and preclude a real friendship between you two in the future. My suggestion is since the feelings are still fresh, he is hurting badly, you are hurting badly, give this some true distance to sink in for your sake, while keeping in mind this will really test his resolve with this. Tell him how you feel, what you saw happening in the relationship, your steps to resolve your drinking, then leave it. When he calls (and I believe he will) answer and hear him out. Go from there... At any rate, a "friendship" loathed in the ulterior motive of proving yourself to him in hopes for a reconciliation is not the way to go here. Make a very direct and clear expression of your feelings, observations, solutions, and desires, then leave it for a little while, maybe a week or two. Go from there. It's either all or nothing here I think.
  14. friscodj
    Well, this is a deeper situation than it appears I think. It sounds like there is definite conflict going on inside both of you regarding having sex and such have stigmatized it. I've seen and lived several of these situations and can say with a good degree of certainty that as long as the conflicts exist, frustration will build and you guys will ends up either having sex that won't quite feel "right" due to pressure from the mounting frustration or break up unless you can address some deeper issues here and alleviate these conflicts. Let's explore this a little more deeply... You say you are waiting "until marriage or until you are both ready". And then you say you don't want to mess up regarding the act of sexual intercourse telling me you are afraid of failing in some way. This tells me you yourself are not ready now. What do you fear? What would make you sure? I would really dig into answers to these questions... It sounds from her end this relationship with you might eventually be overshadowed by the fact she is trying to make a change in her life by abstaining from sex with you, perhaps trying to fulfill a mission of sorts in this regard. What happens on these missions is people tend to lose sight of and overcompensate for what it is they are trying to perceivably correct for and this overcompensation in this case combined with her sex drive will likely cause frustration that will need to be addressed. Again, I would dig into the answers to the questions of why she feels this way, what she fears, and what would make her "sure"... So what can you do aside from talking about this? Maybe discipline yourselves in such a way that your physical intimacy is contained but not necessarily restricted. This is going to take some compromise in terms of desire and understanding to let this go, as there will likely be times when one of you wants to go all the way and will likely feel let down or unfulfilled if this is not achieved and might even feel rejected based on this. Essentially shut things down before things get too hot and heavy and believe doing so is for the betterment of the relationship.
  15. friscodj
    Look, I really, really don't think this is your fault. You are beating yourself up with blame and guilt here which is a normal reaction to the grief of separation. The specifics of what you wrote here are very telling and important. This is an issue that should be addressed on its own I think. Have you talked to someone about these feelings? At any rate, in this situation with this guy, it sure sounds to me like you want another "chance" at this more so to viscerally rectify past perceived failures whether you see or understand this or not. I know because I have said the exact same things you said above. So I say go for it. You will likely gain a lot of priceless wisdom and understanding about life, love, and yourself in the process.
  16. friscodj
    Hi P- I guess the bigger question I have is why are you going to see him? It surely sounds to me like you are in a very vulnerable emotional place here and your true intention and desire beneath it all is to get back together with him. Four months removed from a 7-year relationship is not long at all, the demons of hope are still nagging at you, and you are still repeating to yourself that "there is no happy ending for us". Clearly to me you are not ready for this meeting... But anyway, yes, I believe this is the "calm before the storm" and the real teeth and talons of this will really sink in after the meeting. Right now, I believe you feel at peace with this because you have shut these "demons" up for the time being in giving them a treat in the possibility of a "happy ending" here.
  17. friscodj
    I have two best friends who were in medical school and tried to have serious relationships. They both don't know each other but tell me the same things...how they cannot believe any relationship can survive medical school. They've seen a lot of break ups and divorces in medical school. In their respective personal circumstances, one break up involved me! The other involved breaking up for a year, getting back together, and just now a few years later getting engaged and plans for marriage this summer during his residency. So my advice is think long and hard about this one, seriously consider waiting until you graduate and really kick the tires on this relationship to see if it can survive medical school before taking it to the next step and subsequently adding complication to and emotional investment in it.
  18. friscodj
    It sounds to me like there is very much unfinished business from your end regarding this situation that should be expressed and hopefully mutually addressed so if nothing else you can move on more quickly and not have restrictive regrets here. I think you should express yourself wholly and honestly at this point. Forget the possible perception of being clingy, etc. I really feel you need to do this and wring the sponge on this situation and then use the sponge to cleanse your heart and soul of this.
  19. friscodj
    Hey SoontobeRN- I think at this point you don't know if you want to ask him out. You don't know if you have anything in common, don't know anything about him. You have only know what you think you want at this point. With that said, I think if you shift your focus away from "asking him out" to "getting to know him", your fear and uncertainty about how to approach this situation will dissipate. So I think you should just start talking to him. When he is not busy with customers, away from the counter, i.e., when he is clearing tables, smile and ask him how is business today, ask him how is day is going, something like this. Then from here, start feeling out the situation, how he responds to you, see if there are common interests there, a basis for at least a good date. And maybe he only has 5-10 seconds to talk to you. So don't rush it, talk to him some more the next time you are in there, build a rapport like this, get comfortable with each other, and then if you feel a connection warranting a date, it should become easier and more natural for you to give him your number or email address. And by building things up like this, maybe he'll ask you for your number, email address, or even ask you out first.
  20. friscodj
    Hey sweetharmony- I can relate to this guy very much. My desire to pursue and prioritization of the pursuit of excellence in higher education has created a lot of relationship distance and separation before for me. I don't think he is totally giving you "a line" when he says he is too busy for a relationship. He's not "too busy", per se, but a relationship is not his highest priority right now in his life. It is not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. And I am quite sure if he enters into another relationship at this stage of his life, the same issues and likely the same outcome will arise... I've tried to prioritize relationships higher in my life but am realizing it really isn't a choice for me. I feel I am simply at this place in my life and I tend to feel the same about him. I've tried to resist the motivation from this place but I feel this phase in my life needs to process itself. There are a myriad of emotional and psychological reasons for this I won't get into here but they are definitely valid and real for me and I think the same for him. And after those relationships ended for me, I went on dating sites too for the exact same reason you mentioned in your post above...to numb myself and feel better. I tend to feel he is doing the same thing...along with his desire to be friends for such numbness and feeling better as well... So the bottom line here is I really feel relationships are not his highest priority right now and what is his highest priority right now is independent of anyone else and takes a lot of time and effort otherwise deserved for nurturing a healthy relationship that is not available to do such. In short, this isn't your fault at all and there's nothing you can do about it. The timing was wrong on this and it would be absolutely fruitless to wait for the timing to be right. The relationship is done I think and you are best staying away from the dating sites and especially from checking up on him until you get to a more solid emotional place with some healing time alone from this. Maybe be friends later but not now, as you stated above. I believe this to be the best course of action here knowing in situations like this when I was this guy, before I understood time and distance is needed from both ends in situations like this, and wanted friendship to make things easier on myself.
  21. friscodj
    Hey Steelergal- I don't think I can find the words to express to you how I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Abusive situations like this are no good. No matter which way you look, you see pain and suffering. You know this is a situation you get out of but the mountain of pain, grief, etc. ahead of you looks to be so insurmountable that you generate illusions of comfort and happiness if maybe things would change if I stay in this. If you detach from it you will surely suffer but if you stay things may change. And your self-esteem and subsequently your outlook for the future has been so mutilated by the situation that you find familiarity and normalcy in this pattern and worse yet, in time, think this is what you deserve. This is the trap... The thing is, if you separate from this situation, you will hurt and you will likely visit places in the pain cave I never knew existed. But your suffering will be temporary and it will be done away from an abusive person and situation that is taking your sanity with every passing day. I don't even see an option of "reconciliation" (notice quotes) here, because can you really reconcile with hell? Read your checklist again! What would you think if I posted this and you were not wrapped up in the situation yourself? What would you tell me? Or better yet, what would you tell your daughter or best friend? For the love of God the checklist you posted above reads like emotional rap sheets that belong to Charles Manson and everyone in his cell block. I can't believe you are even here to tell the story. The first thing you absolutely must do is tie up the loose business ends and get as far away from this guy as you can. Don't even give yourself other options for doing such because when you start thinking, start wondering, you'll start letting yourself become vulnerable to his manipulative and abusive tactics in addition to fanning the fires of your uncertainty about what to do here that will ultimately burn you. Realize your position right now, realize you have been affected by this situation. Realize it and don't listen to these voices of doubt knowing they are products from this situation. Blindly keep going out of this and don't consider any other options. You can do it. You've got people here who care about you, people in your life to support you, and most importantly you have yourself because if you lived through what he put you through, you can live through anything. You are tougher than you think in this way and I think you should believe in yourself, believe in the reality of this situation, and believe you can get through this because I have no doubt you can.
  22. friscodj
    Hey bro, Let me just say I have been to the place you describe in this post. Some days no matter what you do, all you can do is hope to get out of bed, eat something, go back to bed, and wake up again sometime later and feel better. That's how it goes sometimes I guess. I absolutely guarantee things will improve for you. Hang in there buddy...
  23. friscodj
    This is actually good. I personally didn't and don't think a lasting and fruitful reconciliation is going to happen here. This situation of him essentially standing you up is a kick in the groin you very much need I think to get yourself free of this situation with him. I think the impetus to really get out of these emotional ruts like the one you are in with him comes from reaching the breaking point with your patience, frustration, confusion, and pain levels. This latest experience you just described is taking you to this promised land so you yourself can break out of these shackles of hope, desire, and despair. You need to get there yourself through your own motivation in situations like this.
  24. friscodj
    If this is what you feel you need (and I agree with you), I suggest you do just that. Look what's going on here. You're spending "a lot" of time your ex, you're getting sad, things are weird, he's dating another ex of his, you're kinda sorta dating this other guy while still remember yet this other guy J. Plus you say you've tried making distance with guy #1 and it hasn't worked? Forgive me if I mixed up some details! Your situation is confusing even me! I can't imagine actually being in it! But I think this situation is enough to confuse the crap out of anyone. What you need to do is really wipe the slate clean as you said and distance yourself from all of this. Doing so will feel strange and be difficult but what is the other option? Continue in this confusing situation and get nowhere with anything? Or make some distance, simplify things, do some suffering, but regain a perspective on life, love, guys and what you want from these things in the process?
  25. friscodj
    You Aussies have the best phrases! At any rate, just make sure this guy hasn't chucked you a wobbly...
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