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Hey Beaker- Hey, this is the place to get out your feelings, no shame in that. You feel how you feel. But let's be fair here. You spelled out what is perceptually wrong with you, things you don't have or think you can't do. Now tell us what you like about your life and yourself. There a lot more than 7 entries to that list I bet... And why are you pissed right now?

Hey NYG- Your basis of friendship for almost 2 years says a lot, given it was truly a friendship and not a holding pattern for your deeper emotions waiting for her to become single so you could move in and start dating her. But if your feelings grew over time and getting to know her, I think at some point you guys will become friends again. I've been in situations like that where this has happened, especially seeing as she didn't do you wrong, even though you feel right now that she did. I think she was honest with you in her emails and she is hurting because of this too. She's not over her ex, she has unresolved issues with that, and quite simply sounds emotionally unavailable to anyone but this ex of hers right now. It sounds like bad timing to me, I am sorry. Of course you miss her. The separation from both a friend and a girlfriend was sudden and complete. Your feelings are normal but what can you do? She's probably a mess right now too, but not because of you. As far as the questions in your last paragraph regarding putting up a "fight" and the "ex factor", unfortunately experience has overwhelmingly told me that if you get involved with a woman when she is wrapped up in and reeling over someone else, and she flips out like she did, forget about it. In fact, I've been her before too, same situation almost gender-reversed. It's almost like your feelings for her get swept up in the storm that is going on inside of her and when that storm passes, it takes away everything emotional associated with the timing of it. That's how it works. I've been on both sides of it, having both started relationships when either she or myself was still reeling in the past and when that reeling stops, it's like everything stops. I've even tried turning it back on but it just doesn't happen, I don't know why this is but it is. I've fought from both sides to feel again and create feeling in the other person but by some emotional and psychological mechanism I don't understand, it has never worked for me or anyone I've known in such a situation. Now, what do you do from here? First of all, all of your questions and statements are normal, the "why?", "how?", "what if?" All normal reactions to grief. And right now, you are being consumed by this situation and not thinking straight. Until the consummation desists to the point where you can talk to her again without suffering or desiring more than friendship from her, my advice is stay away or get swept up by her storm. I do think at some point down the road a ways, after the storm passes, you will become friends again given the circumstances of the break up, the history of friendship between you two, and the brevity of the relationship.

Hey ice! I have been following your situation from post #1, as you know. The same thing is happening all over again my friend. She has you by the balls. Listen to yourself, "you were doing great until she contacted you." She's in control like it has been all along. You say you don't want to fall back into what you were doing when this all started, so don't. You were trying to make distance so do it. You're in the driver's seat here Ice. You want to keep moving on? It sounds like it so do it. Ignore the contact and she will either go away or step up her efforts and show you something real, something more than passing contacts when she is likely lonely and wanting the support and comfort she wants from the situation like you gave her in the past without regard for your own well-being. I know the story between you guys very well. You are not ready to be friends yet and chasing hopes for reconciliation will lead you right back to where you started I think.

^ WOW, this is one of the best posts I have ever read on ENA. Such emotion, such cleansing, I love it. Very well done. You should print this out and read it whenever you feel down. Someone should sticky this post. It is deep and true expression. I love it and I love how it is likely making you feel better!

Maybe you think you are giving up real love and companionship or something that might turn into such, i.e. feeling like you "let a good one get away". Maybe you think you won't find it again with anyone else, that this is it. I've felt that way before and every single time another opportunity comes along! BTW, I said "maybe" you feel that way. I really don't know you that well, these are just some common denominators I've seen in my experiences with this with others and with myself.

Yep, if you only knew about the things I do in my own relationships! With this said, turn the situation around on yourself. What would you tell a stranger who posted on here your exact situation and details of such? Again, the easy part is knowing what to do. The exponentially harder part is actually doing it.

I have to go but I really think if you analyze what you've heard, read, and feel and still feel you should pursue something with him, do it. I've learned so much about myself, other people, life, and love in the process.

The CBR is a very worthy and race-proven machine! You can't go wrong really...R6, R1, CBR, ZX, GSXR, all great bikes and getting better as technology progresses. Maybe next year I'll trade up to a new ride...

Yep, this what people think. Do you equate "maturity" with beating yourself over the head with a baseball bat? You think maturity equates to repressing your feelings? Does maturity equate to hindering your healing process in the name of perceived social graces? This is maturity? Really? There's a fine line between "maturity", "bravery", and "insanity". People fly airplanes into the middle of hurricanes to study them but would sit on the porch of your house on the beach when the storm is coming? What is this proving and to whom? "I love you, see? I can take a beating for you." What you're really saying is you love the idea (or illusion?) of (healthy?) companionship with this person more than yourself and companionship with yourself. You fear being alone, maybe you fear a sense of failure with all of this, and people rationalize it by saying the same things you said here.

It won't come right away but in time, when you digest this situation, poop it out, and flush it, that's when you'll start being able to believe in yourself and the possibility for better relationships and let go of your "need" for such.

However long you think. You haven't done anything yet so there's something keeping you from doing it. Really explore what that is... I think you will gain the most benefit figuring a lot of this out on your own. Seriously. I'm not trying to hang you out to dry, I think you'll gain a lot of confidence and independence in getting yourself out of tough situations and making things happen for yourself.

No kidding? I roll an '01 R6. Cool...

Sit with the words of others for a while and see if your understanding of such is enough to convince you otherwise. If after some time and thought with this you still feel you should invest more of yourself into this situation, I say do it for the reasons I stated before. The pain will be temporary but the deep wisdom only gained through firsthand experience will last forever.

This is profound my friend. Re-read this a few times, let it sink in, and I think the answers will come to you. You just have to follow the path they are pointing to, that is the much harder part with all of this.

Oh bro...what an unbelievably disastrous and painful situation. I am so sorry to hear things worked out like this. You got an email from her boyfriend? She couldn't tell you herself? I guess not, just like she couldn't let you go before pursuing something with this other guy. You're better off without her... In this case, I think it best in terms of your peace of mind (and legality of this?) that you do find a new place to live. It is inconvenient and may seem cowardly but in this specific case it sounds necessary. And for what it's worth, you say things with her and this guy "worked out". You seem to believe in the finality of the outcome of that. They are "working out" currently but I am pretty sure Karma's street justice is going to run a train on her I can tell you that my friend. You might not see it, might not know about, but I believe it is coming. That's what I've seen happen.

Well, maybe you need to get a Master's degree with this then! Read what you wrote again there about how you would have stayed in that situation. Sound familiar? See a pattern? Food for thought perhaps...

Kate- Are you still desperately searching for validation for your denial of the truth of your situation here? You posted a very similar post as this before, maybe even word-for-word. It sure sounds like it to me. You want someone to say "Yes! Hold on and he will come back!" You're looking in books, on here, and likely from your friends as well. In light of your persistence with this, here it comes Kate... Yes, I think you should hold on and try to "win" this guy back. I really think you need to see and feel for yourself what people are trying to tell you here. Where do you think they're advice comes from? Firsthand experience and there is no substitute for that. No one can describe the feelings associated with your proposed course of action. I say go explore and find out for yourself...seriously...the gift of discovery is priceless and you may find more than you think along the way that will change your life for the better.

...or sometimes open up an exit wound you could toss a cat through... At any rate, I agree with what the man said...more power to you. You're going to get an education from this if nothing else...

This to me is one of the great mysteries of the human psyche. I have no idea why this is. I mean, there are technical explanations like she has low self-esteem, thinks she deserves this treatment, it is familiar and thereforeeee comfortable for her, etc., but the question of why it exists and why people work this way is beyond me.

Your hope that he would change is 100% normal and OK. You gave the situation one last chance, believed in the chance that his behavior was due in large part to the situation, one in which you were a part of, and that enough time had passed to where he was over the situation and thus his behavior. In this way, you maybe thought he was being the way he was because you were not a good spouse to him, but after all this time and all this time away from you, he is still the way he is. I'm sure this gave you some validation that he himself, at the core, is not a good person, and that has nothing to do with you or what you did. And I personally believe all this was part of a bigger plan for you. Even before this relationship it sounds like you had some deep-seated issues from your past, ones that precluded you from having a healthy relationship or desiring or thinking you deserved a healthy relationship. This monumentally painful situation with your ex here likely served the bigger purpose of changing your perspective on relationships and what you desire. After having gone through this, albeit devastating and painful for so long, it was necessary to reset your switches and point your appreciation for love in better directions. I think someday, when you are in a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship, or even just truly away from all this pain and have a hopeful outlook for such, you will look back and be thankful for all of this.

So you want to attract someone back who abandoned you in light of multiple warning signs? And how is this attraction going to happen without communicating with him and doing so placing the constraint on such only hearing that he is sorry and made a mistake? And even if he says he's sorry and made a mistake, so what? Look at what he did. Why do you want to go back to someone capable of that? I agree, you are not ready for friendship right now and should let this one go 110%. Forget the ebooks and trying to find validation for your denial in such of the truth of this situation. This is done and for the better I think.

So do you want to get back together or do you want to move on? What words do you want to hear? And why do you feel silly for trusting him?

Hey kate- The best advice I can give about your post here is to stay away from generalizations! Every situation is unique...30 minutes, 30 hours, 30 days, 30 years...it all depends... So what do you want from this situation? Do want to put this behind you? Do you want to reconcile? Is there unfinished business between you two? I ask since you posted this in the "Getting Back Together" forum but state your pride is the driving force behind your actions here...that concerns me a bit...