friscodj

Oh yeah, holding someone close in bed like they were the most special person on earth, waking up in their arms to soft passionate kisses, talking intimately in this situation, and sharing the mutual excitement of the moment and future possibility is like the nectar of the gods. Highly recommended... Even better without clothes...but the only real challenge here is being on the same page with what's going on, the expectations of such a situation in not getting too carried away and going too far too soon...because it can be very tempting to do so. Some self-control, some restraint may help save a little for next time and make an almost interestingly and teasingly slow progression that eventually leads to even more amazing places...

I know how you feel, like watching your best friend and lover about to get into a car accident or something. You want so badly to intervene, to be Superman, save the situation and make the happy ending but sometimes that just isn't how the script is written... These situations are the toughest of the toughest and have gotten me wrapped up and wrung dry before too. No one can tell you this is life and this is how it works, you have to live this one to truly accept this reality and you did that. I think this move is going to be great for you without a doubt. Pack up, move out there, and get situated physically and emotionally. Think of this as a new beginning for you, a fresh start with a clear head and a clear heart. Then when you do get settled and this situation isn't at the forefront of your heart and mind, maybe drop her a line and see how she's doing.

What can anyone say to this? You've said it all and came to these realizations by giving it everything you had it sounds. That's key in situations like this: exhausting yourself so you find contentment on your efforts. When you're done, you're done, and it sounds like...you're done. You did what you could bro and that's admirable. That's all anyone can ask of themselves. And it also sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now regarding your life and some upcoming changes. I think life is going to get a lot better for you my friend.

Hey GQ- Where are you at with all of this? How do you feel about it and what is your plan here?

Hey zip- My feeling here is that a relationship with anyone is not a priority for her. Given her goals, pursuits of such, and her propensity towards dealing with stress how she does, I'd say you are better to leave this one alone. One lesson I have learned is when her romantic interests shift to feelings of sympathy for you, forget about it. It's done and you are better off sparing your self-esteem by making the decision firmly and completely to break it off given your hopeful desires and attachment to the situation. It is apparent to me that she was slowly distancing herself this whole time, from wanting a relationship, to "just dating", to "just talking with no obligations". I think the relationship just reached it's expiration date. No one's fault, just not there, a casualty of a difference in life stages, focuses, timing, and circumstance. You both tried but it just didn't happen. I don't see the underlying issues which caused the distance and split changing. I've dated focused, driven, overachieving woman like this and you think it's "just this semester" but it isn't. It's them, who they are, where they are in life, where they choose to focus their energy. She IM's you and what does she talk about? School! She's long gone with the pedal to the metal towards her career and her best interests I think. Better to get out of the way I think or become road kill on this one.

Oh, OK, I read it as "whatever happens, happens" as in going with your feelings on the matter as they come. Your feelings and natural tendencies don't always know the best emotional path and won't here I can tell you that. In situations like this you have to think too. Take your time to yourself and let this situation calm down from a distance. I definitely concur with that. Easier said than done perhaps if she starts raining on your sunny day at the beach with her phone calls at 3 AM "needing" you. Don't dismiss the possible reality here that she will try to take charge of this and get what she wants in the way of having you in her life on her terms. I can see this coming...

I think when you ask such a question you should better define what you mean by "work". Do you mean "get back together" as if this is the end of the means? Yep, I've done that several times. In that sense, it works. How long does this reconciliation last, what does it feel like after it ends again, what pattern did it trap me in, and how much deeper in the hole did it put me? That is a different story and "NC" certainly did not work in that sense...

No, that's a cop out too many people use because they are afraid of taking responsibility for the situation, are afraid of the discomfort of disconnection (albeit ultimately temporary) and uncertainty of change and what they as see as pain accompanying this change. It's not "all" you can do. You need to take charge with this or you're going to get tossed around. If it takes some tossing to provide some motivation for you to take charge of your life and ultimate happiness here, there's no shame in that either. That's how you really learn in situations like this.

That sounds like a good plan to me House. I know it seems cold and mean right now, like it is you causing her pain, but in time and with some distance, and then when you guys come back together as better friends later, you will see how good of a decision this was I think; you will see it was the truth behind the situation that dictated this necessary action. I've been in enough similar situations to tell you this with near certainty. The last thing you want to do is force this, rush into it and start suppressing and harboring misdirected feelings, confusion, frustration, inevitably having a big falling out, and end up never talking to each other again. That has happened enough times to me as well.

Hey spunk- That was a great rant! I can definitely see this happening in the testosterone-driven sexist world of male-dominated sports like basketball. But the deeper message here is that you sound like a motivated, passionate, and downright driven writer who LOVES her job. This situation above is only one situation among many but the basis seems to be in place for success for you. That is very obvious to me. You will go far no matter what I can tell. And I think sexist motivations like this will only provide more drive and focus for you to reach these heights in your profession.

Can you have a real friendship amongst this apprehension? This fear? Why not wait until these feelings blow over and then start getting closer to her? The way I see it, you can have a veneer of a true friendship now and put yourself through a wringer in doing so or take a walk around the block, away from the situation, and come back later to a real friendship and one that is easier to experience. On paper it looks like an easy decision, but you seem to have this fixation to fix something here. That appears to be the "noble" path but experience has told me when you start living your life trying to fix other people and situations, you get wrapped up in their issues, their problems, and you break down. You can't live her life for her. If she's going to really change and grow she really needs to live some life and figure it out for herself through her own experiences. Again, when you are in a more stable and solid emotional place, you can be there to support her but right now your support is only going to get in the way (at your expense) of the life experiences she should experience for herself I think.

Hey House- I guess I am not seeing here how she "wronged" you? You guys mutually fell into bed together, after that, she just didn't feel it for you and she told you. She was vulnerable just having got out of a sour relationship and you had feelings for her. I don't see anything wrong with that, it sounds like the truth that you are upset about here, upset that you can't have what you want. And because of the rejection you feel used and remorseful which is normal. Now, it does sound like you are not ready to be friends yet. She's with another guy. You still have some deeper residual feelings for her and negative feelings regarding what happened on New Year's. That is the bottom line. I think if you attempt to pursue a friendship under these conditions, these feelings will build tension and confusion that will cause another falling out which will ultimately push you further apart. My experience overwhelmingly tells me this outcome is only a matter of time when you try to force a friendship under these circumstances and rush into it like this. I think the way to go here is manage some distance versus jumping right back in and risking a ton of uncontrolled distance based on different feelings and intentions. If you can truly (be honest with yourself) accept her current situation with her boyfriend, accept that she will likely look to you for support and friendship and not romance, I think you should talk to her. See what she has to say and given the description of the friendship you guys have together, I'd address some of the feelings I think you are harboring in some senses about New Years. Otherwise, stay away until you reach this point. If you want to make those scars go away, you have to make sure you talk about the situation fully to clean them out, then everything some time to sink in. That's OK and I think it is for the best here. Make sure you let her know what's going on and that you just need some time to yourself to sort things out and that you have every intention of becoming great friends again after this all blows over.

My experience tells me there is an associated cycle here, i.e., you will have good days and you will have worse days. That's what I have seen and lived. The overall trend will be better but maybe if you feel lonely or see a reminder of the situation, maybe even a ways away, the memories may make you a little sad. I'm not saying this to be a killjoy. I'm saying this to make a point that if this does happen, you are not "set back" or "going backwards" or that there is something wrong with you for feeling this way. You are still going forward in your healing and you will continue to do so. And perhaps thinking realistically in this way will eliminate the stigmata associated with him and the situation between you two bringing you to peace with everything faster and more completely. Give yourself an emotional "margin for error" with this and don't expect perfection, that's my point.

Hey Strict- First of all, I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. I know it seems monumentally hopeless right now but not only can it get better, it will get better and will it ever. A lot of it happens on its own, in time. You expedite and make the process relatively easier by removing yourself and your mindset from this attachment that no longer exists. And what people refer to around here as "NC" is merely a surface-level means to that end, a mental tool (perhaps a sledgehammer), and not some medically prescribed panacea that if you miss a dose you are "set back". That is a ridiculous and counter-productive way of thinking of this. The natural human tendency and that generated by grief tells you to "stay", makes illusions of hope in your mind, so the way to balance this out is go to the other extreme. Use your head, be sensible about it, but if you can't use your head, you are too emotionally absorbed by the situation, experience has shown me it is better to err on the side of more distance. All of the concerns you have will happen in time. You will have good days and bad days, but the overall trend will be better with time I guarantee it. In the meantime, keep your mind busy with productive endeavors, immerse yourself in work, hobbies, passions in your life. Live life again and see that you really don't need this woman and are better off without someone who doesn't want to be with you. Also, I would like to meet the "they", as in "they say if you love something let it go and it comes back to you its yours". Whoever said this is living in some fantasy world and is a moron. First of all, I've never seen this come to fruition in my life and secondly this statement insinuates a sense of ownership with another person and with love and a finality that "OK, they're back, it's yours, case closed" that is completely ridiculous.

Hey JZ- Don't get down on yourself man, no need to add to the beating here. We're all messed up in our own ways my man. Look, this isn't how healthy relationships work my friend, no way, especially not given what you wrote about getting back at her in your last post. Whatever the reason for that, whatever the reason for your desperate need and attachment here, deal with it at a later time. Priority one is stop hurting yourself like you are doing here. This means you stop it as in you work to the point where you can make decisions in this situation. This will come with time as the beatings continue. No one can endure this cycle forever but perhaps you reach this point taking an easier route. You guys just aren't a right fit for each other, that is the bottom line, not in light of the pain you are describing. Why is that? Why are your feet size 10 instead of size 11? It just is, but you have a choice as to what to do about it. Do you buy size 7 dress shoes and run marathons in them? Why do it here? She is not the last woman on earth and not the last one you will meet and have a relationship with. You will love again and I bet it will be a much healthier love once you get out of this situation, learn the lessons from such about life, love, other people, and yourself, and make necessary adjustments based on this.

Hey johnnynz- You have in many senses answered your own question here. I think you know what to do, but perhaps you are holding onto a string or two with this and need some validation of your thoughts and feelings on the matter. I will happily give that to you my friend... Everything you wrote here makes sense to me. The "emotional rollercoaster" relationship you describe here havs been the modus operandi of my relationship life for several years. The same things you wrote too! One week in love, the next distant, and the omnipresent doubt and "I just don't know". I'd rather be called every name in the book than hear those words. Look, you can't see things working with her! What more do you need? How much more frustration and pain is it going to take to snap you out of this self-destructive pattern of denial and emotional torture? She whacks you in the nuts with a baseball bat, then gives you a hand job. Repeat cycle ad nauseum. You've got to take care of your boys my man! You desperately crave the pleasure so much and get hypnotized by it that you put up with the pain to get your hit (literally). You love her but you also love yourself! Stop doing this to this poor guy in the name of...nothing really because you honestly don't see this working out. Sometimes it's best to keep the love for someone else in the privacy of your own heart. The notion of "fighting" for love is some fairy tale testosterone-driven illusion. You're likely really "fighting" something within yourself and if you look hard enough, I'll bet you'll find out what it is. Why do you "need" this and how does this relate to your self-esteem? In short, you're spinning your wheels with this and gradually wearing down the tires in the process. If it takes some miles driven on bare rims for a while to find the impetus to act on your very-apparent message in your post that this thing is over and make it over, there's no shame in that. I hope it doesn't come to that and that you can break this thing clean and finally because it really isn't fair to her, someone you love, either, that you are still in this when you see no future with it, an assessment I agree with based on what you wrote here.

Welcome to ENA tybiggs! Great to have you here... Your situation is not without hope by any means. There seems to be a good, healthy basis there, a great basis actually, and that is important here. What you said about becoming frustrated is absolutely key to this. This is the means by which the all-too-common visceral separation takes place leading to a break-up. You are very wise to identify your issues and desire to work on them now before this process starts happening. A lot of people just think the relationship isn't working, hope things get better, make some effort, then eventually break up. I think a lot of what you said here are normal indications of the natural progression of a relationship from one of newness, i.e., the proverbial honeymoon phase, to the testing phase, to the acceptance phase. It is likely that she has moved a little faster than you into a more "support type" relationship while you still desire more heat, passion, and excitement. My suggestion to you as a starting point for dealing with this, is to not only ask yourself but envision your life without her. Imagine it, imagine not having all the great qualities you described above in a partner, and imagine her finding love and fulfillment with someone else. Think about this whenever you start getting frustrated. Train yourself to appreciate what you have vs. what you don't have in this way. Also, let go of your attachment to sex. This seems to be the main source of the trouble here. Maybe you feel rejected and that she is distancing herself with her behavior here? Focus on your relationship beyond the physical aspects. Physical intimacy is an important part of an intimate relationship and it is here, just not as much as you would like it sounds. Maybe try to let go of this desire a bit. Perhaps masturbating more might help relieve some tension and resulting frustration? Perhaps focus more on your life, your interests, your passions, away from the relationship. A little distance like this might help balance your perspective on this situation. So give these things a try and if they don't work for you, perhaps visit with a relationship counselor and pretty much tell her/him word-for-word what you told us here. At any rate, keep communicating with your girlfriend, that is very important and I sincerely wish you both the very best with figuring this out.

I know how you feel, I've done the same thing, and it has helped me get stuck in some bad relationships let me tell you... There are two solutions I see here. First, keep reminding yourself of this tendency and really focus on your life away from this situation; keep your mind busy with something else, don't obsess with these ideas. The second solution sort of comes naturally. You just need to get bittered by life and relationships a bit more...like me...

Hey Yates- I'd like to address a deeper issue here. Why do you want to call her twice a day? That sounds a bit needy, maybe a bit desperate, and if not exhibited through the frequency of your phone calls, might show up at least on your first date through non-verbal communication. Remember, at this point, you don't really know her. You think you know an idea of her exhibited by her online profile and and your one-dimensional communication to date, but you neither know her or the chemistry you two will or won't have. At this point (and at any point really), focus on your life, what you have going for you, what makes you happy, hobbies, job, etc. Questioning calling someone in this situation twice a day tells me you are making this too big of a deal at this point and this enthusiasm can easily be perceived by her as neediness, clinginess, etc. especially seeing as she does not know you from the 5-10 other guys she is likely talking to online as well and hasn't met. Keep this in perspective my friend. Don't get too attached or excited about an idea at this point.

Hey Ladyface- Look, what people refer to around here as "NC" is not some steadfast prescription for absolute direction that if you don't adhere to religiously you will be "set back". That is completely ridiculous and there is no need to think this way. It's a piece to a bigger puzzle here, a surface-level means to a much deeper end. In your case, you learned a lot from your experience. Most of the time, to get past the first stage of grief, i.e., denial, people need a good kick in the teeth by the reality of the situation. They need to feel stupid about what they did, about chasing hopes and dreams and/or familiar sexual urges in situations like yours to really know it is best to stay away for a while. You did that. Where's the shame in that? People stigmatize some fleeting negative feelings like the ones you are experiencing now for the greater good of getting you to see the truth of the situation, to see what's really going on, and motivate you to take a better course of action, not because a bunch of Internet strangers told you to so, but because now you know better. There's absolutely no shame in exploring other options in situations like this. Now you know, that is the bigger and more important point here. There's no need to beat yourself up over how you got here, just celebrate the fact you got here and don't forget the journey. You didn't get "set back" here, you got "set forward"...big time...

Welcome to ENA caltrio24! Great to have you here... Well, I have some thoughts for you my friend... First of all, the quote above really says it all. You want to get back together with her and she does not want that. When was the last time you checked with her on this? Your main logical flaw in your direction here is equating "getting back together" as the "end", the "goal", the "mission". I can tell you when you start thinking of this situation like that, you're in for a ride. You've got to think past that, to what your relationship was like before the split and what it would be like after you potentially get back together. This e-book seems to be giving you a strategy to "win" someone back using psychological manipulation,i.e., get her to change her mind to do something she doesn't really want to do. Do XYZ, she will feel ABC, then do DEF and you'll have her back, case closed. That's what sells these days. It's easy for most people to see, to understand, to believe in, to literally buy into, especially people emotionally vulnerable and desperate based on such a heartbreak. I bet there's a picture of Brian in there looking pretty and smiling too, nice suit, perfect hair, and perfect white teeth. No matter what the degree on his wall says, he's a business man and he's going to sell what people will buy, and that is a surface-level intellectual and emotional strategy, packaged conveniently in electronic form wrapped in clever marketing, fooling you, an emotionally vulnerable person with the best intentions, into thinking your happiness and fulfillment lies within its content because this relationship was the be-all-end-all. I checked out his website and the real brilliance is in the marketing of the product. The website is a testament to the science of marketing. It really is brilliant in that sense, the layout, the pictures, the wording, the tactics of psychological manipulation are very indicative of the content of the book! The only difference is the end here is getting your credit card number and $24. At any rate, I urge you to explore this situation on deeper levels than those that are apparent to you right now. Right now, you are experiencing the first stage of grief, i.e., denial. You think this is situation with her is not over, you think there is hope, and this book feeds off this. Pathetic in an ethical sense but brilliant in a business sense. Hey, this is America... What you need to do at this point is put down your e-book and start getting to the bottom of this. You're going to reach this point anyway I can surely tell you that, as the confusion and frustration builds with this situation. It's already happening...why did you come here for advice? You've got the Gospel according to Brian Caniglia open on Acrobat Reader right now... Anyway, forget the e-book and think about this, you think about this, don't let a book written by a business man think for you... Why do you want so badly to be with this woman? If it really was a solid connection, she would have been more patient with your lateness and found ways to address it vs. breaking up with you because of it. Do you feel like you failed here? Feel some guilt here, like this is all your fault just because she decided she wasn't feeling it in the relationship and used a convenient excuse that it was your tardiness? Why were you tardy? If you were really and truly into this relationship, maybe you would have put more effort into improving this? But now that you are suffering, lonely, and grieving, this seems like an easy reason for you to accept for your suffering now with an relatively easy solution. Maybe a relationship really isn't your highest priority in life right now? Maybe it isn't her's either...with anyone... Maybe you know and feel something wasn't right with the relationship and your are denying that fact? What else do you have going for you in your life right now? Hobbies, sports, passions, job, education or pursuit of such, things like this. What do you want to do but never did or didn't do enough of for whatever reason? Now is the time to immerse yourself in these things, remind yourself what life is about and how good it feels... After you start thinking straight again, reassess what you want from this situation and why, if you still think and feel a reconciliation is desired, get together and talk to her. Not only tell her but ask her why she is communicating with you, what she wants and what happened between you guys. If you feel she is genuinely open to the possibility of a trying again with a relationship, tell her what you saw in the relationship, what you've been doing, and what you expect if you guys get back together. If things line up, go for it. If not, it's OK, she's one woman and you will surely meet others and do so with a heightened level of awareness about yourself, women, life, and love having gone through this relationship, the grief from the separation from such, and the resulting deep soul searching that can come no other way... Otherwise, tell her directly and honestly you feel you need to get to a better emotional place with this and need time away from this emotionally confusing situation to do such. Tell her you are sorry but you won't be reading or returning her IMs or any other contact from her. Then follow through with it continually reminding yourself of the fact she really does not want to be with you. Don't do this for her or to make her "miss you" in hopes of getting back together with her, do it for you...really and truly do it for you... All the games will eventually lead to direct communication at some point anyway. Usually what I've seen happen is frustration and confusion build up and your emotions cycle during the course of play all of which hinder the necessary direct communication later on.

Are you freaking kidding me? Your first list seems pretty trivial to me compared to this one. A space between your teeth or a doctorate in physics? Yeah, you have nothing going for you... You sound pretty complete to me, interested in your body, different aspects of your mind in art and science, and travel. You likely speak French (or desire to do so) and appreciate the culture as well, right? You'll get your surgery, no one cares about your stretch marks but you, you'll lose the weight you want to lose and enjoy doing so in practicing martial arts, you'll get over your ex-boyfriend, meet a great guy who is blown away by you, get a good job and live a good life with your education and obvious intellectual capability...and have a great time in France sipping the best Pinot Grigio in the world on some sunny beach...

What specifically are your interests and your field of study? Can you describe them and why you like them? What are your passions in life? Things that truly make you happy and why?

So where's that list of the good things you do like about yourself?

Welcome to ENA loverallalone! Great to have you here... I've been frustrated and said a lot of what you've said here before. I've heard similar rants too, many, many times before from many, many different people. It's normal, you're normal, and you are and will be just fine just like them... You're going to experience a lot of "firsts" in your 20's. I think your 20's are when you really start developing into the person you will become, really start figuring things out, and really start living life. Unless you lock yourself in a room away from everyone for 10 years, it is pretty much inevitable. And from what you wrote here, I'd say you are setting yourself up for these experiences quite nicely.