friscodj

Welcome to ENA extra_crunchy! Great to have you here... The most telling part of your post is the fact you "really, really want to be friends" with this guy, your best friend... Having said that, I don't think reading typed point-by-point answers from Internet strangers to your questions will help you much. You're going to get different perspectives on what other people think that might influence your thinking but at this point from the tone of your post and the explicit desires expressed, I think you are better off hearing this... I read at least a dozen posts on this site a day that are exactly like this one. The same components are there, the friendship, "best friends", same questions, etc. It is shocking how similar your post is to many others I've come accross on here and in my real life, both lived myself or having heard stories of such from friends. The brutal bottom line here is you feel in your heart what you had with this guy was special and "unique" but really, a lot of these types of situations happen all the time...the same components with the same results... So these posts get answered, the original poster is told to go "No Contact" (NC), take time away to grieve, heal, and regain a level head through the emotional storm. Let it all blow over until you simply don't care anymore as there is no sense wrapping yourself up and subsequently limiting yourself from freely pursuing other relationship opportunities and causing yourself undue pain and anguish. Then some time later the poster comes back likely in tears and far more messed up having gone "against all odds" and pursued friendships, reconciliations, etc. Sometimes they've already gone this route before coming here, other times it takes a few posts to reach this point. Other times they listen, believe, and stay away. Invariably, these people feel better faster and look back and thank all of us for suggesting such a route. So I'm just giving you historical facts here, that's all I'm doing. If you need to experience this on your own, don't believe that time and distance, true time and distance will answer all your questions and bring you to the promised land of peace and indifference with your troubled situation faster, we'll be here to console you.

I think the exact same thing bro...

Hi Aschleigh- What happened at this lunch with your ex is likely a blessing in disguise for you. I think the experience and your resulting frustration and questioning is taking you to a higher level of wisdom and understanding that will set you free from this whole situation with your ex. What I'm saying is you're figuring this out on your own and that is exactly what needs to happen to truly get past situations like this and the subsequent feelings. You're sad and disappointed that things are not going as you'd have hoped. You got mad, remembered all the crap that happened and how he treated you. You needed all this happen to punch through the empty veil of hopes and dreams that grief generates following situations like this. Read your post again. I don't know how much clearer it can get to me that you both need to stay away from each other until everything is forgotten and peace has been reached with everything. All the residual feeling need to settle to the point you in many senses don't care about any of the things you expressed above. I guarantee that will all come with time and distance. You didn't like that idea, you resisted it, and thought such a path would not be necessary so you pursued a friendship with him. There is absolutely no shame in that. I'd say from what you wrote above you got a very clear answer on which direction needs to be taken here. Put yourself in the shoes of someone replying to this post. What would you say to them? You care for him, you love him, you want a better relationship with him. The only option I see here is to keep such thoughts an feelings in the privacy of your heart. In brutally honest terms, it's going to hurt, it's going to suck, and you can't have what you want in this situation. Suck it up, put it behind you with time and distance, and press on. There is no other feasible option I see here other than eventually reaching this conclusion yourself through more beatings from going through experiences like the one you described above. Maybe not a permanent departure, but enough time so you simply don't feel such feelings you expressed above anymore.

Welcome to ENA vani1224, great to have you here... Well, it sounds like you've done what you can here and this situation is what it is. There's no shame or demerit to your education by attending a state school or even doing so after taking a year off to get your finances in order. Actually, I think doing so might be the best thing for you given what you wrote about your "addiction" to school. That doesn't sound healthy to me. What do you want to do? What is your state of residency? There are a ton of good public schools out east that don't cost nearly as much to attend as Seton Hall and will provide you just as good or a better education depending on what area of study you wish to pursue. I just checked their website and undergrad tuition (without fees, housing, etc.) for a year is $23,529. That's ridiculous! What do they do, teach you how to print money in your basement? You can go to Rutgers down the street for under $8K. And what's with your Dad anyway? Have you applied to Harvard? Show him the admissions letter and tell him to show you the money. Otherwise I would consider every other possible source before going to him again. At any rate, it sounds like you are getting too wrapped up in school. You might feel like you are "falling behind" or "losing time" relative to your peers and I understand as I felt the same way when my parents couldn't figure out how to pay for college after I graduated high school. I didn't start my undergraduate degree until I was 23 years old. And looking back on it, it was the best thing I ever did, a blessing in disguise. So my point is going to school right now is not the be all end all. You think it is but it isn't I can assure you. You will always have an opportunity to go to school and doing so with less attachment and addiction to school, more life experience, and more direction and motivation bred from going through your situation here might make your educational experience much better.

There is absolutely no good reason or excuse for her to do this. None whatsoever. Hurt, sad, heartbroken, lonely it doesn't matter. No excuse. What she said to you was shameful, selfish, and disgusting. Ericson you don't need someone capable of this in your life buddy, as a friend or otherwise. There's no excuse for this behavior, not what she said to you. Read her words again. She was blatantly and purposefully trying to hurt you. I agree, don't be hard on her, don't be anything on her. Forget about her.

Hey Ericson- I know people like this, socially scatterbrained, perhaps. I think in your situation here you should work to ascertain whether this is her, who she is, or if this behavior is a true reflection of her level of interest in you yourself. Does she do this to other people, or only with you? Have you talked to her about why she does this? Have you expressed how this makes you feel? Those would be good steps on a path to a solution here I think.

Dude, this is great news. She just told you she is a piece of and you are far better off without her. I know it stings but someday you'll look back on this and laugh. And never talk to or read/listen to another communication from her again. Ever.

This is a good plan I think. You've already answered your own questions here. You should trust yourself more! That's cool man! Nothing like a day in the park followed by your plan above. I'm not sure what lies beyond this based on some of the things you wrote earlier but you're going to have a lot of fun in this process here that's for sure...

He is helping you a lot more than you know or want to know, yet you deny the reality of the situation and aren't looking at the bigger and more important picture here. But that's OK...I did the same thing at 23 and learned several important lessons because of it...as will you I believe here in this specific situation... Then do this. This is your basis so keep this in mind whenver you are around her and are deciding on a course of action as situations unfold with her in real time. When in doubt, follow this path... Why not do the same things that got you two to the couch on Valentine's Day? Why change what has already worked? If you want more, build on what you have already established to work with her. The deeper you go the deeper this has to come from your heart and soul my friend...

Hey JoJo- Well, this is a tough one. Whichever choice you make there are going to be definite pros and cons. The key I think is weighting those pros and cons based on you and your situation. I think an important financial question to consider is if you are elgible for in-state tuition? If not, definitely take steps to getting to this point. That is likely the biggest financial hurdle you will face. Aside from that, my view is this. At this time in your life, you are investing in one of the most solid aspects of life in this country, your education. And money is something you can always make more of. Memories and life experiences you cannot buy. It sounds from your post this current situation is bringing you down more than it is bringing you up. You are at a time in your life where you have the freedom to go and do whatever you want and you may not always have such a freedom. It also sounds like you want to transfer but the thing that is holding you back is the financial aspect of this. I say do it, transfer. There is a lot more to be learned in school than what is taught in the lectures and I think you will get a much better return on your investment by transferring and expanding your educational experience in this way.

Well, this is a profound realization! You've done some good introspection with this I can tell, which is a huge step to figuring this out and/or getting past this. I think once you sit with this awhile, let it percolate a little more, you'll find peace with it. You already expressed positivity that came from this in terms of your thinking and perspective of the relationship and I think there is more of that to come. Just think at the opportunities he had amidst all his "confusion" to legitimately cheat on you. He had these opportunities (whether he helped create them or not) presented to him on a silver platter and he rejected them. There are certainly deeper and tangential issues here as well but this is the bottom line I think.

Hi Kim- Why exactly do you feel like a fool? Do you not believe him when he says he did not do anything with this other woman? And he's telling you about it as well. There are far worse things that could have happened here. Is your trust betrayed because he had these thoughts and nearly realized them? I think the best thing for you to do is ask him why he would even consider cheating. Perhaps something was lacking in the relationship that can be or has been addressed.

I see what you are saying. I've thought about this in my own life and realized there is a difference, a fine line I think, between having an idea of a desired life and seeking someone to "fill the role" versus having, truly accepting, and finding happiness in the life that is now and if a special person comes along, making them part of this life and not a source of happiness or this image. I think when I changed my thinking from "trying to find someone to realize a dream or idea" to "I am realizing my dream right now and if someone amazing happens into my life we can share in the fruits of this life together" I became happier and less dependent on the pursuit of a relationship. As such, I made better relationship decisions not being biased by my desires for an idea of a life and subsequently looking at the other person and the relationship we had together more positively than it really was. I think in general it has been my experience that when I focused on attaining an idea of a life and/or relationship, I looked at the person and relationship taking me to this end through the proverbial "rose-colored glasses "and ended up "settling" for something to get me to this idea. Conversely, I think when you have a good life and accept such, your standards go up in these regards and you have better and fuller relationships. Perhaps this does not apply to you directly but food for thought perhaps...

But yeah? But yeah what? If she wants to get back together, what does she need time to think about and why can't she think about it when she's with you? Why isn't she with you right now then? She's jerking you around bro, big time.

Yeah keep posting man and I'll read them. I'll still be here for as much support I can give. Right now, all I can do is wish you the best on this journey of self-discovery.

Hey Josh- If this were me in this situation, it would be time for a serious talk. The gloves would come off in the way of hard questioning and the truth would come out. Ask the hard questions and expect the hard answers, especially the ambivalent ones. Be prepared to walk away from this for your own sake, at least until the situation isn't killing you anymore. The situation as it is killing you and that is no place to stay. We could speculate on the decoding of her messages all day but I think the solution will come from hashing it out. Better to do it sooner than later while you still have some sanity left and something fruitful might come of it.

My experience has shown baby steps don't get the job done here. Often it takes a kick in the to get you out of this. My experience also tells me you'll figure all this out in time and come out of it with priceless wisdom to apply to future relationships. Again, I think I'm out of advice here. I can only wish you the best at this point I think on your journey here.

Hey saebenne- Well, situations like this are very tough, and that is an understatement. I won't try to answer your questions generally, but I will address your specific situation. The key points here I see are: 1) He isn't in love with you or else he would never mention the fact you could date other people. This is huge. 2) The fact he said you were making things worse with your probing is huge as well. That tells you are making things worse for him by attempting to find out what he is hiding. Additionally, this is selfish on his part as he is not able to see the probing is making things better for you. 3) He says he is enjoying his time away from you while you are crying your eyes out. That speaks for itself. My feeling is he is beginning a separation from you at your expense. He wants you "there" under his conditions while he is doing secretive things he doesn't want you to probe into. Having you there is comforting to him, insurance of sorts to test the waters of a break up and when you try to take your stuff, he resists with subtle manipulation. It does not seem like he gives a damn about your feelings here at all and is using you for his own comfort and benefit. This is not "taking space", this is lacking the maturity to say he just isn't feeling it anymore and wants to break up and cut things clean knowing the difference in feelings here. From what you've written here, he is either selfish, immature, clueless about what he is doing, or likely a combination of these things. At any rate, you are seeing the truth of his character here and I suggest you start distancing yourself from him firmly and surely ASAP.

Hey David- I'm sorry to hear of your disappointment. I sincerely hope this served the bigger purpose of alerting your belief to the fact that pursuing this, or even sticking around in any capacity, is a hopeless and lost cause. I want so badly for you to see this but I am at a loss at this point. I mean, look at the situation here, look at what she said to you. I don't know how much clearer it can get. It's shocking... But I've been stuck in the same place where you are and I know how tough it is to regain the perspective of reality here. I am sorry to say it sounds like you need more beatings like this to see it for yourself and you yourself start making firm and sure decisions here. Again, you are leaving it up to the confused person to make decisions, i.e., "that 3/31 is a special day on my calendar to call if she wanted to celebrate it properly". You're giving her the freedom and the control to do whatever she wants thinking this equates to "being there" for her and will nurture love in her heart... I feel like I am strapped to a chair and forced to watch a plane crash happen in real time here.

I would ask questions. Ask as many questions as you have. Sit down, write them out, make sure they are intelligent and productive. If you can, talk to someone who makes hiring decisions, even if via email. You want to develop an impression that is backed up by your resume. It's all you have in this instance to set yourself apart from the other applicants other than what's on your resume.

Hey unpretty- You ask some questions I have asked before. I searched high and low for answers from very accomplished and reputable sources and here is the gist of what I got. First off, unless you are applying for a modeling job or a similar job where your appearance is critical in selection for this job, do not attach a picture. I'm not sure what you mean by sending by air. Are you talking about sending a hard copy of your resume along with the online submission? Most companies these days don't accept hard copy resumes unless they specifically ask for them. At any rate, I was told you have a much better chance of getting selected for an interview if you speak to someone at the company directly, preferably in person at a job fair, career fair, etc., and have them shepherd your resume through the process. A lot of times, big companies have tens of thousands of applicants and there is no way the hiring managers can sort through every one. Even with keywords, this is very difficult. So see if you can talk to someone at the company and send them your resume. You have a much better chance of getting an interview by doing this vs. adding to the likely already-bloated applicant pool by anonymously applying online.

Hey INH- I think you should first ask yourself why you want to contact her and what you want to come from the contact. Is there anything deeper than wanting to show her you are better? That's not a very good reason in my opinion and will likely set your healing process back somewhat. There's no need to show her anything, you are better to show yourself by actually being better... You said you were feeling better not talking to her, so take that fact into account here as well. Unless you have surety in the conviction in your heart to contact her, I'd say stick to the path you originally chose and stay away a while longer...

Hey Cyberchick- I know what you mean about the feeling of helping others... If anyone can get on top of anxiety it is you. You have good wisdom and insight. You'll get a handle on this I have no doubt about that. Actually, it sounds like in many senses you have. I have OCD myself but it usually only manifests itself in silly little ritual habits and organization. You'll have to tell me if The OCD Workbook is any good... I'm doing good, thank you for asking. Nothing really to report, life is good... Happy Valentine's Day to you too and I am so glad to hear of your engagement.

You definitely added to the forum! I loved reading your advice to others... I'm sorry to hear about your departure due to your anxiety. How are you doing with dealing with your anxiety?

This a ridiculous question. Quit obsessing about this Cyberchick! It's nothing!