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You came up with that one my friend! And you said all this was running through your head, implying I think you already knew the answers. Believe in yourself more man! You know more than you think... As far as payment, you can come back here and tell us how good it's going for you...either that or Paypal...

Hey bro, It sounds like you need to get out and burn off some energy in a positive manner. What sports do you enjoy? Shoot some hoops or load up your iPod with your favorite tunes and go for a run until you get tired, something like this. The energy and endorphin release will do you some good here I think. And try not to obsess about this problem or the situation causing it. Easier said than done I know but realize you have a lot going on outside of this that is within your control that you can and should focus on here.

What class was this again? The one between lunch and recess? I'm sorry, but there is no redeeming nature in what you did and more so your reaction to it after the fact. You've got some issues to address before getting into another relationship I'd say. If you want to look into these and make some changes for the future, I think we can certainly help you out with that.

Hey LLLA- I've been in situations like this and I have some insight for you. Before that though, I am happy to hear things are looking up for you guys! Always good to hear good news around here to that end! And you have identified and addressed the underlying issues which led to the split in the first place, right? Aside from that paramount point, I think you are trying to "surgically overcompensate" here. What I mean by that is you are dissecting specific situations too carefully and fighting natural urges that may be overshadowing your perspective of the big picture here. I agree that making changes to something that needs such changes in light of the separation will not feel "right" or comfortable. That is OK and is necessary until you guys develop a new and healthier normalcy that works for both of you. But remember, you are still in a relationship here. An important part of that is physical intimacy I think and I've seen problems arise when you start equating correctness with withholding such physical aspects of intimacy, especially when these actions are not well communicated and as such understood, leading to feelings of rejection and insecurity on her part... Sex is not all you want from her but it is some of what you both want from the relationship... So the "move" I think you should make is talking to her about this and how you feel. Tell her you don't want this to be all about sex, tell her that you want to share deeper levels of physical intimacy with her that bring you closer and tighter, but you are conflicted because you really want the relationship to work and for your specific reason feel some conflict with this. Ask her how she feels about it and then let the conversation flow... I think starting with intellectual and emotional intimacy in a situation like this stemming from communication will lead to deeper levels of richer physical intimacy and more importantly comfort in such.

Hey TAF- The glaring point in your post is that you "need" her. You don't "need" her and the fact you say you do tells me a reconciliation is going to be misguided and will ultimately result in unhappiness for you and likely her as well. You don't want a relationship based on or otherwise fueled by "need" my friend...trust me... If I were you, I'd take some more time away from this and dig deeper into the roots of your feelings of "need" for her...unless you mis- or over-stated this in your post above... Who's decision was it to end it? What was the basis for the relationship before the feelings of newness wore off? Right now, you miss her and that's normal and OK. What you are feeling "sinking in" right now is likely the teeth and talons of grief that are subsequently playing tricks with you. I've seen and lived that a lot, where immediately after a break up, a few days perhaps, things aren't so bad, then the reality of the situation hits and so does the grief, generating feelings of "need", guilt, and a host of other misguided feelings. Then as time goes by, those feelings change and/or fade and the truth comes to light. So take some more time with this and try to dig past the emotions right now. Don't let them overwhelm you and start dictating your actions. Get a clearer head with some deep analysis past the grief and separation anxiety and then start taking action...

Hey kimber- I'm glad my words helped you. But in reality, my words didn't help you, the truth behind them did...and you see that truth. That is the important thing... Look, you've done all you can and more for him. You've tried to be there for him and he has treated you poorly on a regular basis with no solidly grounded hope for resolution. I realize different people handle tough situations differently but his propensity to treat you poorly tells me at the core, the man needs work...work only he can do. You've tried! You've put in the effort of 10 women. What's preventing him from saying he is very sorry but he really feels he needs to handle this on his own, in his own away, and do so away from you so you don't feel the fallout? His character and the truth of the fit (or lack thereof) that you have together are preventing this... I know he is in need right now and that you care about him a lot. Like I said before, it's OK to feel for him, to want to reach out to him, to be there for him, to miss him, etc. This is normal. But what else can you do? What tells you this will all one day turn around permanently and you guys will find fulfillment with each other? You've tried your best to answer this question I think and the answer seems very clearly to be no. You went above and beyond with this one. You're an amazing person for doing what you did and for still caring for him. I simply think your time is up here and it is time to move onto to more fruitful relationship endeavors. Thank him for the good times, wish him the best, and say goodbye. He needs to help himself and who knows if and when that will happen while in the meantime waiting for this change based on good hopes this situation will continue to bring you down. Remember to care about yourself too!

Hi kimber- First of all, let me express my sorrow to hear of your feelings surrounding this situation with as much depth as words on a website will allow. I am sorry... What I am not so sorry about at all is your decision to "officially" end this. I was contemplating maybe suggesting a break or some space while this issue gets sorted out...until I read about his lies and his covert operations with his ex. That sealed the deal for me on this guy's Karma casket... You absolutely 1000% did the right thing by facing up to the reality of this situation and your feelings about it. You are absolutely right, there is no excuse to continually treat someone poorly like you describe his treatment of you. And of course you're going to care. It's OK to care. it's OK to hurt, it's OK to miss him. You are not pathetic. You have a heart and you are human. You are a good person... In this specific situation, I suggest you not take his calls, emails, etc. You seem to be too vulnerable and prone to the tactics of manipulation people like him tend to use to get you back into abusive and controlling places. So keep your feelings away from him, OK? Keep them to yourself, with your friends, and with us...

I think you should get something that symbolizes the new relationship you have together now. Perhaps an unopened rose...and then you can put your poetic skills to use and write about this symbolism in a card that you make for her...and read to her under the soft glow of some candles in your bedroom while you're giving her a massage and kissing her softly between words... Or you may just be better off getting her a package of Velveeta slices because it might be less cheesy than that idea!

Very well said AG! =D> Remember to be a "nice guy" to yourself, who you are, and in what you believe in the process of being a "nice guy" to everyone else...because you yourself are part of "everyone else" regardless of how strongly you feel for someone else...

I think in at least one of these situations there was some time taken away, alone, separate, to sort through things within ones self that would not have happened had the level of attachment after the break up been such as it had before the break up. This is the point I am trying to make: after a break up, there needs to be some time and distance away to reach new and different levels of realization about the situation between the two people. If this leads to an attempt at reconciliation, so be it. If it leads to pursuing the closure and finishing of unfinished business after which a true friendship may or may not result, so be it. If it leads to never speaking again, so be it. I have done, seen and advised people on here to do all 3 on multiple occasions... At any rate, in general I think there needs to be some true and real "breaking up" after a "break up" and this is my definition of the ENA-ubiquitous notion of "NC", one which I wholeheartedly support.

And my experience has shown me that most people either don't realize the negative impacts to these ends on both sides, kid themselves and/or don't care and experience the feelings of comfort anyway, or do so in the name of social perceptions of grace, "doing the right thing", or giving value to what you once shared together and the memories you made, i.e., not "throwing it all away". I see nothing wrong with taking some time away from someone and a situation after some emotional turmoil and coming back later on with clearer vision. In fact, I think this to be the best way to do it. Grief is very powerful and is keen in subtly and subconsciously affecting people on deep levels regardless of maturity level. I think it more civil to let some of that grief disappear on both sides and come together later on when the perspectives are healthier. It is OK to grieve, it is OK to hurt, it is OK to come back after this.

I think the root of this is in the perception that it is not civil to truly separate from someone. My contention is that it is civil in the sense that you are sparing each other exposure to the residual feelings that naturally come about after a break up and you are getting a clearer perspective on the situation through the resulting grief. Now the question really is how long of a separation should you make. A day? A week? A year? More? That is definitely dependent on each situation and each person, but the fundamental principle that people need some amount of true distance from each other to really "break up" after a "break up" is necessary.

There is another more subtle point here being raised in some notion of "bravery" associated with "facing fears". Is it considered facing fear to go outside and stand in the middle of a field during a lightning storm and dodge the bolts? Why not stay inside a while, wait for the storm to pass, and go out to enjoy a sunny day later on? And is it facing a fear by walking away and taking time and making distance from a relatively comfortable situation? The perception of some is that this is cold or mean, but I believe time and distance will be better than you think. In every situation I have been in or seen, time and distance led to the proverbial 20/20 vision of hindsight and sight to the path to better places with the situation. And many times this hindsight has shown me that my actions of staying in the storm, relative in size to the specific situation, caused the other person more difficulty than I thought too... I agree too, if there are children and/or immediate legal matters involved, you better take care of those priorities...

And you would not have deep intimately emotional attachment to these other people either.

If you are talking about familiarity with a situation that no longer exists, i.e., the relationship, and your attachment to such, the existence of a myriad of negative feelings generated by the detachment from such a situation regardless of how you suppress or otherwise deal with them, and feelings associated with the impact grief is having on your perspective of the situation... ...yes, time and distance will make those things go away... What other firsthand experience have you had with such situations mel?

So you do equate walking away from a situation for any length of time as being immature?

So you think walking away from a situation, giving yourself and the other person some breathing room, backing up the words of "breaking up" with actions to cleanse the omnipresent residual emotions, albeit on various levels, taking time to grieve and gain a clearer perspective on a situation and your feelings so as to have a clearer and truer friendship and/or reconciliation down the road vs. rushing into something driven by emotions is immature?

What happened? How was it handled?

I'd also like to know when was the last time you yourself went through a break up mel?

I think taking the step in your realization exhibited by what you wrote here and particularly what I emphasized is more important than having a serious relationship with her as things stood as you described. I think you did good with this, probably the best healthy outcome that could have come of it. Never forget what you wrote here, especially for when you do meet someone you'll have romance with!

Hey phreckles- I see another slippery slope here...the other way... You say things are going well outside of this issue. I think you have to ask yourself if you feel this behavior is genuine, or if he is generating a situation that seems to be going well in the name of strictly getting into your pants... And I also see a need for a balance here. You say "no sex of any kind". Do you equate that to "no physical intimacy of any kind"? So are you guys "just friends" in your eyes then? Are you intimate in other ways and do you feel this intimacy to be genuine motivated by his desire to get to know and love you vs. meeting the challenge of getting into your pants? And have you communicated all of this to him? Perhaps doing such will make you seem like more of a challenge to him which in and of itself will keep him motivated to stay in this relationship, or quasi-relationship? Another point to ponder... And your desire to withhold and his desire to chase is setting up the psychological grounds for imbalance in the future. You're setting the tone for his chase and your subsequent power to withhold over him, which is not going to bode well for either of you should this relationship progress as this pattern become more ingrained in familiarity. The intimacy becomes like a treat you dispense to him, and often do so subconsciously. And I've both held the treats and sat, put my paw up, and rolled over before in situations like this...ahrf ahrf baby... So my point here is I agree you should take things slower but I don't agree with overcompensating and "withholding" physical intimacy here. Do you want to have a serious relationship with him? It seems counter-productive if you want to have a serious relationship with him, as I think physical intimacy is an ingredient in the building process and the 7-course meal you guys may be preparing here. And to know if you guys are cooking a 7-course dinner here or eating at Mickey D's is to mix some of those ingredients together and see what you get. Not too much, but enough to see how things taste... I also understand your point of the slippery slope of which you speak. You start with a kiss at the doorway, the kiss turns to more, and more, until pretty soon you both are naked on top of each other. I understand that, I understand your past history with going to fast and your desire to change that. Not only do I understand that, but I agree with it. What I don't agree with is stonewalling the situation to achieve that. I see it all the time, people who overcompensate their behavior for a change they are trying to make and lose balance and the subsequent perspective of the situation, i.e., the situation becomes a challenge and a proving ground for them to prove to themselves that they can make this change. And I know you are struggling inside yourself with this too. Perhaps you could work with both your physical urges and your desires to withhold in some way to compromise should you want to build something real with this guy. I think it is definitely possible to have physical intimacy and also have boundaries, and manage those boundaries and how you deal with them. But again, don't do this because some Internet stranger tells you to, or anyone else for that matter. If you feel something is amiss in this regard, don't hesitate to pull the ripcord... So it is a tough situation for you but one with which you have good clarity and sense. I am sure you will figure this out on a larger-scale than this one situation with this one guy if nothing else. This thing may or may not work out with Mr. 0-60 here but that is really irrelevant as long as you are trying your best to do your best with what you have when you have it. And it certainly seems that way.

Good point, sounds a bit manipulative to me...

I also suggest you keep reminding yourself and believing that this new guy is not your ex. These are two different people, independent of each other. Try to give this new guy a fair shake; the actions of your ex are not his fault and he needn't feel detrimental effects to this end. And this separation won't come out of a hat like the proverbial rabbit. Just keep these truths in your mind as the relationship plays out... But again, one date, give it some time! You're considering taking off the training wheels and trading in the tricycle for a crotch rocket here at this point given both your history and the time you've known this guy. One date. Right now, you mostly have an idea of what could be based on an image that is being portrayed during this initial phase of the dating process. I would venture to say you don't really know this guy at all. More food for thought...

Now we are getting somewhere... You've had one date together! One date! For the love of God give this some more time sister! Of course you are not nor should you be in love with him or him in love with you yet. I was thinking you guys had been dating for a few months at least! The fact he has a huge crush on you is very telling as well. He is more likely to be overwhelmed by emotion and more likely to act on such emotion. Equally telling is the fact you were recently betrayed by a man in a relationship. Of course this will make you more "gun shy" in situations like this. And I think this is not such a bad thing. Perhaps this source of resistance is good for you... Again, I see good clarity and sense here on your part and I both like and agree with your philosophies about this topic. I suggest maybe you share what is being talked about here in this thread with him.

Well B, you continue to get opposing albeit logically sound and eloquent perspectives on your situation. Do you think you have enough to chew on and digest here to help you reach better places with this? I'm sure we could keep going...