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Hey LD- Well, my guess is that he really likes you, had his hopes up to spend time with you this weekend, then the boss called and he subsequently got really disappointed. You mention he is hardworking which also leads me to believe he might be overworking and feeling some residual feelings associated with that, his job and/or boss too. At any rate, this gives him no excuse or otherwise valid reason to put you down. The question is whether or not this is an isolated incident tied to other deeper issues not related to you he isn't telling you about or if this is an indication of his personality, character, and as such, what to expect from him in the future. Only time, your perspective, and your judgment will tell the answer to that. I'd probably inquire about his behavior here and see what he says. If there is benefit of the doubt to give, I'd give it to him in this one instance but make sure he knows how it made you feel. Then keep an eye on this pattern in the future. Don't necessarily focus on it too much and lose perspective of enjoying your time together, but keep an eye on it.

It's time to start being more direct and getting your answer here regarding her feelings either way before you go crazy...

You can't control how you feel but you can control how you deal with them and your actions related to such. So in the sense of the feelings of jealousy existing, it's not right or wrong, it just is. What you do about it and how you react to it could be considered right or wrong I guess. In your case here, it's not abnormal to feel some degree of jealousy. My advice to you is act on your feelings of attraction and not the feelings jealousy by pursuing a relationship with her. You need a firm answer either way for the sake of your sanity and emotional freedom I think. If she reciprocates, wonderful! If not, maybe take a step back and let all your feelings for her, attraction, jealousy, and likely other related feelings as well, subside so you can have a true friendship with her not poisoned by these negative feelings.

This is a powerful statement. Remember this the next time you start feeling insecure about the situation!

Oh yeah...I forgot to address the specific "ticket" issue... I don't know man, usually I advocate and support a hard line approach in situations like this, but here in this specific situation given these circumstances and how you presented them, for some reason I get the feeling you should go with her and have a good time together...that's what my gut tells me...I don't know why but I think you should do it...

Welcome to ENA tigercub, great to have you here... Well, this is a tough one... My Mom is still alive so I can't imagine what your ex is going through. Perhaps she was very close to her Mom and the death was sudden, painful, tragic, etc. Things like that can really mess someone up on deep levels for a long time... And it sounds like she didn't actually break up with you? It sounds like you are equating "taking a break" with "breaking up" but she didn't actually say that? What did she say to you specifically? At any rate, the driving emotions here are her's relating to her Mom's death and those for you and your feelings of love for her. Depending on her feelings for you now and if/how she is progressing with specific steps towards getting over the death of her Mom, e.g., therapy, etc. there may be hope here I think... At the very least, there is absolutely no need to make her jealous or otherwise add to her emotional troubles right now. That wouldn't be a good way to express your love for her. You can stay in this a little while longer and see what direction it takes or cut it clean, no need to play games with her especially given the circumstances here.

Hey CK- I bet she is sensing your "7/10" level of feelings and this is coming accross in your behavior towards her. It is likely she feels nearly the same for you as you do for her...that's my guess... But my guess or that of anyone else means nothing. You say you want to ask her out on a date so do it. A good sign would be her saying "Yes" to you... A common mistake is to get ahead of yourself here. This tends to generate confusion, doubt, and subsequently pressure which can be constricting towards conveyance of your true nature, character, and pursuit of your intentions here. So do that, ask her out, firm up some plans, and go from there...one step at a time here...

Hey Alibi- I think her perceived indecisiveness is rooted in the likely fact that she is still getting to better emotional ground with her break up. Four months removed from a 2 year relationship is not long... But this is life, these things happen, we all have our imperfections as do the situations we find ourselves in. It sounds to me like she is not looking for a relationship right now. It sounds like she has other focuses and wants to do what she wants to do when and how she wants it. I think if she wanted a real relationship with you, she would make more of an effort than what you wrote here... This situation is also classically how guys get proverbially "friendzoned". You are providing a source of caring, support, and interest to make her feel good without the need for her to take this to the next level as you desire, especially when she is likely still getting over her last relationship. She has likely viscerally associated you with this role and this established pattern given how it is helping her get over this other guy. This is classic... Now you are looking at reaching a breaking point here with this situation. That's what happens in situations like this...someone always does... So for you and your sanity I think you should get an answer here one way or the other, as it sounds like your heart is wrapped up in this. It needs to be freed either through free expression with her or rejection either directly or through sustained flakiness so you can move onto someone else later on. I think you should take her out and see how she reacts to an expression of your feelings. If things seem cordial, attempt to kiss her. Situations like this and reactions to such are very telling...if you have clear and unbiased vision for such... In order to gain this necessary perspective, you've got to do something here without making this situation the center of your universe. You're best to allow yourself freedom to let this come or go and not shy away from taking some time away from her if need be. Getting comfortable with this idea will likely give you some necessary courage to get the job done here.

I don't know...I'm not the guy with the Ph.D. in Psych and a ton of experience with such things... Maybe one session to find out and perhaps look into places you wouldn't think of looking yourself that could be hidden sources for your troubles... I know with your ex you were pretty messed up. You're better now for sure but there might be some ground to be gained with looking into why you did the things you did in that situation on a psychological level that might help you avoid even getting to those situation where you could feel that way again. Again, it's your call Dan, I'm just giving you ideas here that helped me before...

Yeah, well don't force it then. If you think you don't need to see someone then don't. I thought maybe it would help with your obsessive tendencies. I think that is the root of the difficulties you are having now and expressing here.

Thank you for the compliment Dan... I'm just some random dude on the Internet who thinks too much about the too many mistakes he's made with relationship-related issues trying to figure it all out like you my friend... But yeah, just because someone has a degree that says they are qualified to be a therapist/counselor doesn't necessarily mean they are any good...or good for you...as you figured out. I do think the personal and regular face-to-face interaction with an educated and experienced person who understands your situation is going to be a good step to take for you. There is so much useful information that can't be conveyed through the Internet that gets "lost in translation". In my experience, the best people to see are those with a Ph.D. in psychology or a related field with at least 10 years experience in the field. There are certainly exceptions but this seems to be what experience has shown me to be the rule. I went to someone at my school after my last devastating break up. He was the head of the counseling center, maybe 55 years old or so, just amazing, simply amazing. He knew exactly where I was and how I was feeling, it was almost scary. He knew more about me than me. He asked all the right questions and really brought out what needed to be brought out. The guy was a freaking psychological magician... You should look for someone like that...and I'd say if you don't sense chemistry like this after the first session look elsewhere...

Hey kath- That was one of the ballsiest moves I have heard of letting him read your diary like you did. Of course there is going to be a ton of confusion, doubt, fear, etc. in a situation like this. Those feelings are normal and the existence of such is largely out of your control. What you can control here are two things: how you deal with these feelings and your efforts to identify and address the issues which caused the infidelity. Those are the two things you can productively focus on here in this monumentally difficult situation, especially with your children involved. And I wouldn't hesitate to dig deep into why he left the situation he left you for with questions. You don't want to be a fall back plan here, you need to be convinced that was a mistake and conviction in such an idea will be key for you here I think. So someone has to take the reigns of this situation here amongst the overwhelming negative feelings and it may as well be you. So when you see him next, start focusing on solutions, small, specific, attainable solutions vs. adding to the inherent amount and depth of problems here. At any rate, this process will take time and won't be easy. Expect it and communicate this to him as well. I personally don't think it is unrealistic to expect a reconciliation. It will take time to get figure out your own methods to cope with each of your own feelings here and will take a patient teamwork approach to this. I think this has a valid chance and I sincerely wish you and your family the best with this. We'll be here for you...

The woman I am referring to in my recollection of experience changed her anti-depressants a lot too, and as you said, makes this situation even worse... In hindsight in my situation, I'm thankful to be free from such a situation. It hurt a lot at first, but as time and hindsight gave me the Lasik surgery to give me back 20/20 vision, I saw this woman was a complete whack job and was better left to ruin some other poor bastard's life... Hopefully your outcome will be different...

Dan- You are definitely wise beyond your years. I've stood on one leg, rolled over, barked for treats, and given my paw more than a few times in my pursuit of the trophy girlfriend... I know you have some obsessive tendencies Dan. Is there any chance you can talk to a pro about these? Perhaps regular one-on-one in-person meetings could be beneficial in the way of learning some specific techniques to deal with the triggers and pattern of this behavior. But first, you should try to get over it yourself because ultimately no matter what you'll have to do that anyway. So get over yourself... And when you sense the negativity creeping in again, replace those thoughts with thoughts that you are "Dan the Man"...because you are... You're kind of shy, you like fast bikes, three word signatures, and you have some OCD going on. You remind me of me...

Hey bro, Yeah, if you only knew how close this exact situation was to me not too long ago... You did great with how you handled it and you have a good perspective on this. I think the next step is backing up your words with internal preparation, for yourself, to call this thing off if she doesn't choose to get her act together. I think when you internally prepare and truly accept that "out" is just as much of an option as "in", it shows in your behavior and expression of such. She will see this I think and this will likely speak to her on a deeper level than words, much more so than trying to fabricate an associated image through wordcrafting and forced behavior. The mistake I made was coddling her and the situation too much. I lost myself in the process and it took a long time to get myself back. In my case, I often heard completely insane and negative thoughts, very much sabotage on her part. The phrase that stuck with me was "I can't..." She thought she couldn't do it... I suspect you've heard this before with this woman as well. Of course she "can" she has to choose to do so. This situation is completely within her control and ability to get on top of. She has to do so herself. She needs to get over herself or it's buh-bye...how much time you give her to do this is entirely up to you, your tolerance for frustration, BS, and your level of sanity. I can't stress enough how important it is to keep a clear head here. Someone has to and it sounds like it won't be her. If the situation consumes both of you...you're in for a ride... She's not going to wake up one day and suddenly change. You are seeing life as it will be like with her. This is her. This is it. Therapy and some changes will likely make small improvements and take the edge off this, but you are seeing the basic pattern here. And it will likely be non-linear in the sense it will get better and worse on occasion. Can you live with this? At any rate, you're doing good buddy, I think you'll figure this out for yourself and do just fine.

I've done stupid stuff like that and worse when I was you're age...and in many senses...still do... You've got more important things to focus on so focus on them. This situation with this woman is one part, one fraction of your life, a life that has and/or can have many facets to it. And the situation with her as it stands now is mainly a hopeful illusion. You don't know her, you don't know if she fits with you and your life, your way of thinking and living. You don't know if she is for you. Like you said, don't get your hopes up... And notice the way I presented things to you above...she might not be for you. Remember to focus the perspective on you here too. It is not all about impressing her...she needs to impress you too beyond her appearance... Experience tells me when you start focusing on and achieving a balance in your life like this, you'll naturally exude confidence and as such, attractiveness, vs. trying to fabricate it through wordcrafting and the resulting games that follow. This, combined with not getting your hopes up, pursuing a situation like this but doing so from somewhat of an emotional distance at this point, punctuates the point I think. The bottom line is come or go with this one woman, you will figure this out, do so on your own, and will be fine.

Hey lilred- I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do here. I don't think you are overreacting. So let me get this straight, you are paying for your plane ticket AND the hotel for both of you? Where is he staying? Did he offer to pay for anything else? I agree, this guy needs to hear how you feel. Your second paragraph sounds pretty good, perhaps with a little more tactful delivery I think. And include a suggestion for a positive solution vs. laying the problem and guilt on him. Maybe suggest to split the bill...you pay for airfare, you guys split the meals, and he pays for the hotel...as well as the dozen roses and box of fine chocolate he owes you as part of an apology...

You're wise beyond your years buddy... Don't think about this one too much. I understand why you are doing it though. I think largely it is because you have a lot of free time. It would serve you well to fill your days up more so as not to leave room for worry and/or negativity to mess with you like this...

Well, it sounds like you were done and there were deeper things going on than what you originally wrote. It doesn't sound like the goals and/or life phases issues were reconcilable. It became too much for you and you got out of it, there's no shame in that. I am sorry for both of you though, 2 years is a long time... It's good that you recognize grief has a hold of your better senses right now. You did what you felt you had to for reasons you believe in. Remember these points next time you are laying awake at night... If you don't feel ready to date, don't date. There is also no shame in taking a step back from dating and in your situation here I really think it is best for you to do so.

I understand about the money issue Dan. Maybe you could find something related to your martial arts that doesn't cost anything? Dan, you're not going to come accross as desperate because you are not desperate. When you start believing in how cool your life is and what a great guy you are, this won't be a problem. So believe it when I say you're a great guy and she'd be crazy not to be crazy about you because it's true. And for the love of God, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, she is telling you to come talk to her. Dan, buddy, open your eyes here. She likes you...you have nothing to worry about except these negative and self-defeating thoughts you are creating in your own head here. So get over yourself and go have some fun with this woman already!

Dan- You are not doing good buddy...you're doing great. The hobbies I developed during my developmental teen years turned into passions which have defined my life, my personality, have been my best friends through some tough times, and lead me to meet my best friends and some of my most fulfilling relationships. You're happy with your hobbies, they certainly sound healthy, likely offer you an escape from the mundane reality of life, yeah, good stuff. Why not spend more time doing them or something related to them? As for the situation with this woman, I know good looks can be intimidating and generate illusions with negative connotations like you are experiencing. That's normal, there's nothing wrong with you. And if things don't work out with her for some reason, you've got your life outside of relationships that is pretty dam cool. And when you start driving you can get yourself a nice R6 and tear up some pavement... She's incredibly beautiful but she's not perfect. Don't put her on a pedestal and overthink this. You're a hell of a guy with a bright future and she'd be nuts not to be crazy about someone like you.

Hey breeze- Lord have mercy, this sounds like the part of the situation that brought me to ENA last year...scary similar... I have a few things to say... First off, I have been this guy before, a few times actually. Why the turn-a-round? Because he's hurting, grief has a hold of his better senses right now, and it is likely his world is emotionally turned upside down. Logic tends to go out the window in situations like this and trying to figure it out using logic will get you nowhere. In short, he's likely doing what he's gotta do to cope with grief generated from a situation that resulted from your decision... Aside from that, the reasons for ending the relationship don't seem irreconcilable to me. Are these the only reasons? That you felt he did not feel as strongly for you as you did for him and he did not take you seriously? Did you address these together? Talk about them and make an effort to figure out the underlying reasons? Have you pursued other options before breaking up? You say you "felt" it was the right decision...do you still feel that it is the right decision? But alas, here we are faced with this situation, one I have faced from both sides before more than once. There are two tracks here, either attempt to work it out with him or cut it loose and deal with it. Everyone suffers in situations like this. You feel upset because you are human. Your feelings are normal... The mistake I have made before in situations like this was equating missing her and the intense grief and pain with "If it hurts this much, we must be right for each other." If you really feel like breaking it off was the right thing to do and still do beyond your grief and illusions like the one I just described, stay the course, suck it up, and keep going. You cut him loose and he has every right to do whatever he wants.

Dan- Long time no hear buddy, good to hear you are alive and well... Is this the girl at the coffee shop by any chance? You haven't asked her out yet? Anyway, you're 17 buddy, you've got the hall pass to have fun, make mistakes and do stupid things. No need to beat yourself about things and take away from the enjoyment of discovery and enjoying life at your age. You are asking questions it took me to 28 or 29 to ask so I'd say you are doing well. The sweetest fruits will come for you in the process of your own discovery and definition of the answers vs. the answers themselves. Keep going and don't worry so much...you've got plenty of time to do that when you're older...

Hey itsalovething- This woman and this situation sounds like many, many I have been with and been in...and have heard the same things you write here... You should also be aware I am not with any of these women...so take my salty advice with a grain of salt... I used to take a "helper" approach to these types of situations, equating my help and being there for her with a means to develop love in her heart and stature for the relationship. These days, after having my nuts put through this wringer a few times, my perspective has changed a bit... Essentially, she needs to get over herself. Her confusion is poisoning this relationship and bringing you down. How much of this you can take without viscerally distancing yourself from it and subsequently her is up to you. Better to nip this in the proverbial bud sooner than later, as you are taking steps towards, than let it fester and reach unmanageable levels. Focus on addressing small, specific, and manageable behaviors or triggers for her behavior that are contributing to the bigger problem here. Perhaps take slow little steps to this end...one thing and one day at a time... If I were in your position today, having been through enough of these situations, I would let her know that I'm going to be here as long as she is here. That means, if she wants to break up, that's it, I'm not playing games or getting jerked around. Goodbye. She's either in or out. If you're in, you get the support, you get the patience, etc. If you're out, you're out. These situations turn into emotional rollercoasters very, very quickly if she let's her confusion overwhelm her. I think it's necessary to contain the confusion with this firm boundary, for yourself if you choose not to explicitly express it to her. If you let this confusion out of the cage, you'll end up left out in the cold, after dark, and hungry chasing it...and getting back home will take a long time...until you hear sounds of hope and back out, go chasing it again...and again...and again... And her confusion is her responsibility as is how she chooses to deal with it. She needs to get over it. There is opportunity for doubt abound in relationships, and if we all chose to focus on "what ifs" and let them consume us, we'd all be insane. And if she is insane, better to find out sooner than later, before marriage, kids, mortgage, etc. In this sense, this situation is as much an indication of a potential future with her on the next emotional level and also let's you see her nature in dealing with problems like this... I would also say to her that she needs to figure out her part of this on her own. She is doing that with therapy which is good. Let her know, again, that you're going to be there for her to support her as she figures this out as long as she's "there" but are not going to solve her problem for her or otherwise attempt to fix this on your own. Also perhaps let her know how this situation is making you feel and that you need to take steps to deal with this situation from your end as well. I can already see your hopeful and soft heart absorbing some of her neurosis. You've got to keep that at a distance and keep a clear head...someone has to here... There is no sense in giving control of the situation and your feelings to the confused person.

You'll meet someone else on your path, it's only a matter of time. Keep your head up while you're walking!