LostInMyThoughts

IMHO, I think its a mistake. Going to college already has a lot of stress associated with it without adding the stress of marriage. Also, I believe people change a lot after they graduate--they move to different parts of the country, start their careers, enter the "real world." All these things can take its toll on a relationship. You might see that your priorities and focus have changed. Being in a relationship is in a way a nice security. Once you leave college, you might start to resent the cost of the security and want to explore your freedom fully. Thats just my opinion, and I'm sure that lots of people who have gotten married while still in school have had a great marriage.

Hey man, don't get down on yourself for still being in college. Heck, stop getting yourself down for anything. Going to school is always a positive thing. I graduated in 3 years, which was cool, however when I went to visit some friends who are still in school, it made me miss my college days. Okay, I didn't miss only eating PB&J and not having any cash. Also I'd say move on from your past relationship. Things happen, and it sucks, but don't dwell. Think about what you did in the relationship that helped run it to the ground (it takes two to tango, remember). Learn from it, and see if you can change your behavior. You said you were together for 4.5 years, so I know it can't be easy to move on. You're not sure what women will see in you. Thats a problem. If you don't know what your good qualities are how is anyone else going to recognize them. You're studying to be an ME, so you know when solving a problem, start with what you know (sorry F=MA wont apply here You're double majoring in Bio/MechE. That's not an easy thing, because I assume both majors don't have many overlapping classes. To boot, you must be good at math, and have a strong understanding of physics, else you wouldn't cut it as an ME. All this means that you're probably smart. There are many girls out there who are crazy about smart guys. I find it hard to believe that you don't possess any positive qualities. You're ex wasn't with you out of pity or anything. I guess if you are really hard up, you can try to call her, and ask her straight up. Ask her what were the positive things she saw in you were. If you want you can even ask her what the negative things were. Whatever she says, you have to believe her. If she has bitter feelings towards you, don't bother talking to her, because she won't give you an objective answer. I see you as being in this negative cycle. You think that no women will like you, so you act that way, women pick these things up and stay away from you like the plauge. Because women avoid you, you feel like you have nothing to offer them. Repeat ad nauseum. How can you break the cycle? I can gaurentee that if you don't take actions to change your self image, you're gonna feel like this for a long long while. Finally you'll meet a woman who shows interest, but you'll feel like you're not worthy of her companionship, and that will cause strain on the relationship. I would worry less about where you can meet quality girls, and instead focus on your self image issues.

Set him straight. First figure out if you want to continue your relationship with him, and what it is you want from him. If not interested in continuing things, then end it. Tell him that you're not interested in being a weekends only girl. Tell him that you feel like you're being used, and that its going to stop. Good luck.

You're projecting about what others will say and think. I also do the same thing. It's not true. Besides, do you think everyone woman on the planet knows your relationship history? Obviously not, and as a hint, I wouldn't use your relationship history as an ice breaker Being lonely isn't fun, but I think before you can get into a good relationship, you'll need to be okay with being single. You said there are some parts of being single that you enjoy. Thats good. Expand on that. Sign up for some classes at a community college (continuing education classes are fairly inexpensive), take up martial arts, learn an instrument, try a new form of art. These things help in two different areas: one they help you grow as a person. Never stop growing as a person. Secondly (and probably more important) is that these things can easily lead you to your next relationship. You will be more focused on learnign something new, instead of meeting someone so you won't be as likely to be shy. They also give you something new to talk about with your prospective new partner. Not wanting to get hurt again is natural. But you can play it safe, and possibly have a good life; or you can put it all out there, take risks and see what happens. And here is the thing about getting hurt, after a while it stops hurting. Especially if you learn from your past relationships. Kinda like when I kept bumping into things with my head as a kid, now I have a permant layer of padding on my forehead to protect it Once you realise that you have a lot to offer a partner, you'll be fine. I know this all sounds like fortune-cookie nonsense, but I really mean it. I was a lot like this, then I just woke up and realized that my self-loathing, low selfesteem was just a self fulfilling prophecy.

No. It is out of the ordinary, but it does make us feel good when a woman comes up to us. If you find it hard to approach a guy, you can be a bit more subtle. Just make eye contact, and smile. If he smiles back, you can go and talk with him. But more likely he'll come up to you and start talking. Those of us in the know, know that its the universal indicator that we can go up and try to "spit game" without the fear of getting pepper sprayed.

You both should try to get a couple friends together (same sex), and go out and try to "hunt" for people. Having friends there will help you handle the enivitable rejection. Once you learn to overcome rejection, meeting people will be so easy. I'm not saying that getting over this fear is easy, but it is doable. My favorite quote is from The Great One: "100% of the shots you don't take, don't go in." Check out the dating forums for ice breakers. I personally think its hard to pick up women at bars/clubs/gym etc because thats where they're expecting to get hit on. Be creative, take some personal enrichment classes, join a local club, or something. Women have it a little easier, if they are forward, because guys will definitely respond to anyone who shows us any interest. Stroke our ego, and we'll buy you a benz

Today (sunday) ends the 2 weeks No Contact that my wife (we're separated, see some of my previous threads for the story) wanted. The NC came about because I was really pushing my wife to put in more effort to saving our marriage. I see that my actions while done with good intentions, weren't the right to do. She wasn't ready, and needed more time and space, so she wanted NC. I agreed, and that was that. During the NC I had been more and more seriously contemplating divorcing my wife. I feel like I'm in between a rock and hardplace; on one hand I want to be with my wife forever--and that requires giving her the time and space she needs to figure things out. On the other hand, I want to go out with women (specifically my wife) on the weekends, and have fun. So thats the crux of my problem, except that there's no gaurentees that things will work out in our marriage. I don't know how things stand in our relationship, because whenever I try ask my wife what her thoughts are, she just says that she's happy with the current situation. I can only take that to mean that she doesn't want in. But she wont go out and say it. How do I find out how my wife feels? Am I wrong to end things if she's not sure, or doesn't want to be with me? I want to know if she's emotionally moved on. To complicate things more, I've met someone during the NC, and while talking I caught myself flirting with her, and noticied her flirting back. I'm attracted to her, and have thought about asking her out, but because I'm married I won't. It just illustrates what I'm missing out on, because I'm stuck in this craptacular situation. I'm not really ending things to be with another woman; it's more that I'm ending things so I can move on with my life. What would others do if they were in my situation? Are my expectations too high? What should I do if my wife doesn't want to talk about this stuff?

What lifeiscash said makes sense; but understand that she's not ready for another serious relationship. If you can handle being in a light, non committed relationship, go for it. Otherwise, respect her wishes, and just stay friends.

Tips on sex might not go over well because no two people are alike. For instance, absolutely no teeth, but some guys like it. Best tip is to talk about what your partner likes. The more you're open about sex, I think the better it becomes.

My wife going to sleep early use to really bug me, so I think I get where you're coming from. How late is it when she falls asleep? Think she might have a sleeping disorder? She could also be anemic--lack of iron, which causes people to be lethargic and sleepy. There doesn't seem like there is much else you can do, in terms of getting her to quit being sleepy. You can try to meet up at an earlier time, crank up the heat in your bed room, or try to make the best of the situation and coozy up next to her and take a nap.

It would bother me because I feel like where there's smoke there's fire--but I'm a weird person like that. It sounds like you really don't mind ending things with your ex, so why continue to talk with him? Do you think you current boyfriend could fill in this guys place? It sounds like you definitely don't have feelings for this guy anymore, but can you be sure it's not the same for him? I'm definitely biased thought, since I'm of the mindset that ex's should remain in the past. I'm unique (i think) in that I want to have nothing more to do with ex's at all.

I'm sorry you're bummed out right now; I use to get like this also. We all leave this world alone. I think once we accept that, we can move on and enjoy life. What I mean is that having a companion is great, but don't let your happiness in life depend on having one. You said your ex treated you like crap; chances are he'll treat his fiance like crap too. People don't change unless they have a mighty powerful reason too. Respect--you have to respect yourself first before you can expect anyone to respect you. If someone treats you like crap, you tell them to go frag themselves. You're awesome, and ain't no one has the right to say otherwise. So what qualities in a man do you normally go for? Have you thought about what these jerks all had in common--besides the jerkitude? Take some time to think about why you are always attracted to them, and see if you can change that. To me, the purpose of life is to find something you enjoy doing, and to do it, no matter how mundane, or ordinary. I'm also sorry to hear that you have a low self esteem. I do think we are much harder on ourselves than is really necessary. I think many of these issues: respect, enjoying life, having a good partner, self-esteem all play on each other. I think by starting you respect yourself, and demand that others do the same, you'll boost your confidence, and which will make it easier for you to attract quality partners. I think the difference between you and the "girls who can get any guy they want" is that they know that they are all that. You're all that too; you just don't realize it yet. A good first start might be to look in the mirror, realize that you're a magnificant person, and resolve that no matter your relationship status, you're gonna start enjoying life. Know that you have a lot to offer as a partner, and people are lucky to be with you. Try it; it worked for me.

I'm sorry to hear about what has happened in your marriage. I know you didn't ask for advice, but here some anyway Have you told your wife about your feelings? Have you thought about marriage counseling? It's never too late, until the papers are signed.

I personally don't think her actions warrant ending a friendship. To approach your friend, ask her out for coffee or dinner, and just explain to her why it bothered you that she didn't respond to your invitation requests. If you can't make face time, the phone will work just as well. Just explain how you felt, but don't try and make her feel guilty. --- As an aside, I really don't see why you are offended. She did tell you that she couldn't make it right? I can understand being upset when people don't return phonecalls, emails etc, but I don't think its something to end a friendship over. It sounds like you wanted more of an explanation as to why Vanessa couldn't make it. To be honest, I don't think she owes you one. She couldn't make it, and that should be okay with you. Also, I'm not sure what your relationship is like with Vanessa, but I think you asking Vanessa to "make an appearance" even though her sister was in town visiting her, was kinda rude. Why was it a great deal to you for Vanessa to meet Erin? Helping friends to make friend is nice and all, but why was it that important? I know i'm coming accross as a jerk here, and I'm not saying you don't have a right to be upset. I just want you to try and think about your role in this.

You can only change if you want to change. It's as simple as that. You can live your life safe, and probably end up okay. Or you can take risks and probably get hurt a few times, but be better off for it. Nothing like getting hurt to bring about change. Nothing gives you the right to judge others. Some of us feel like this from time to time, and it sucks. Why do you have a low self esteem, and have low self worth?

Ditto on the 4 months thing. Also, I don't think most states will let you file a petition for divorce if your wife is pregnant with your child. I'm no lawyer though.

I really can't speak for anyone else, but you're not a bother to anyone. It sucks that someone you love is unable to see things from your perspective, and unwilling to meet your demands. I sort of know how you feel, both because I do things for my wife, and would like them reciprocated, and because I use to act a lot like your fiance in terms of not considering my wifes feelings and opinions (no wonder we're separated right?) We tend to show affection to others, the same way we like affection shown to us. I think thats why you pamper your fiance when he gets home, because you would like to be pampered. It definitely sounds like he's taken your affection for granted...perhaps not intentially, but it happens. Since it sounds like its bothering you, try brining it up in a constructive conversation. Try not to attack him, get defensive when he shares his thoughts, as well as not use the things you do for him as a reasons to convince him that he should return the favor. More imporantly than moving to Melborne, is to work on constructively bringing up your that issue with him so that he knows your thoughts and feelings about it. Think of this as a problem that you will both work together to solve. Even if you end up going to Perth, at least you'll have a stronger relationship with your fiance, and will be able to work on these types of issues as they come up. I can imagine it's not an easy decision to make; one hand you are planning to marry him. On the other, you want to be near your family and friends. At some point you'll have to determine if your fiance does for your needs will be greater than what your friends and family do for you. If it were me, and knowing what I know now, I'd do what was necessary to be with my wife. I also believe that if you can't take care of yourself, and put yourself first, then you're in no position to really take care of anyone else. My suggestion is to try to bring up your feelings in a direct, non attacking, constructive manner. I guess thats my advise for all problems--I should just make that my signature. Good luck, and I hope that everything works out the best for you!

I think differences should be celebrated. If you believe that you are both way too different, try listing the things you both share in common. You can only change yourself, which is a very powerful thing. It's not fair to ask him to change, but I believe you sharing your feelings is fair game. By letting him know what troubling you, you're not asking him to change. Instead your sharing your feelings, and thoughts, that hopefully would cause him to want to change. Likewise its not fair for him to expect you to change either. No it doesn't make sense, and it sounds like you both aren't actually comprimising. A comprise is a decision where you both end up happy. It just seems like you two are adversaries, instead of partners. If you want to be happy in your relationship; my advice is to figure out why *you* are bothered by his attitude/behavior. If instead you're basing your happiness on how he behaves, then you won't ever be in a happy marriage. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel this way, or that you should accept his behavior. Just saying don't hold someone else accountable for your feelings. I'm basing this on what you have said about his behaviors that don't stand out as being a basis for ending a marriage (as opposed to infidelity, abuse, addiction etc). Check out "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" By Susan Page. It's a great book with lots of advice on how to essentially get what you want, but without forcing someone else to change. It requires a lot of introspection, but I think the tips outlined in this book would be valuable in your situation.

I think you need to tell him these things honestly, in a non-threatening manner. He can't read your mind. By not telling him and trying to work things out together, you're unfortunately doing your relationship more harm than good. You feel this way, not because something is wrong with you, but because something isn't right in your relationship. It may just be your perception, or it could be something truly isn't right. It doesn't matter. Its a concern of yours, and that makes it valid. If you love this man, and truly want your marriage to succeed, you'll take the first step in resolving this. It sounds like you have an idea of what is troubling you, but if you need more insight, you should seek out the guidance of an experienced marriage counselor. The opposite is to continue to build up frustration, anger, resentment, and let it out by saying "hurtful" things to your husband, which won't be good for anyone. Eventually it could lead to a divorce, and in your next relationship, the same patterns will exist. I hope I haven't come accross as being too harsh; that is not my intent. I was just in a similar situation, and my wife basically felt it was all her fault and thought it would pass. She ended up having an affair, moving out, and we're on the brink of divorce.

It could be that he's got an attitude problem, but just based on the facts it could be that he's cautious because of past failed relationships. This isn't a fair question because we all show love and affection in different ways. I think that quid-pro-quo is never the right way to approach a relationship.

The idea "Whats in it for me?" is something I think we all ask ourselves in our relationship. Some of us might take the answer to the question more seriously. Relationships need a sense of balance. Attractiveness, financial security, intellect, goals and beliefs all need to be in balance, otherwise the relationship will become one of superiority and inferiority. Soon the partner bringing more in one aspect might feel like thats all they need to do since they are contributing the most, while the other partner might resent their superiority. I'm not saying that I think we should be in a relationship with someone identical, but I'm saying that in the end, a relationship should be balanced. Given what you've said about your past, it sounds like your boyfriend is hesitant to let you move in. Have you asked him why? Who's idea is it for you to move in with him? It seems like he's not ready for you to move in. As to what you bring to the table thats extrodinary, thats easy. It's you. Your boyfriend probably doesn't see this because he's not ready to make this committment. It sounds like he is open to the idea, but needs convincing that its in his best interest. While I think you *could* convince him, you would be essentially dooming your relationship at that point by having him abandon his gut feelings. My advice is to ask him why is he hesitant to let you move in. Don't try to convince him he's wrong. Just try and understand his point of view, and perhaps let him know that his concerns are valid and important to you, and you plan to show him that you two being together will be the best decision he'll ever make. If you want to give him an answer to his extraordinary question, just tell him the truth: You are the most extraordinary thing that you bring to the table.

This is a slippery slope. It could be that you're wife is insecure and is dependant on you to make her feel more secure. Unforuntately she is expecting the impossible from you. If her gripes are legitimate, and you feel that you could make more of an effort, then perhaps you could take her "laundry list" seriously. The down side to relationships is that you can't force someone else to do the things you want. You can for a while, but eventually things will break down. However what you can do, and this is important, is decide that you are going to address the things she wants. Don't look at it like as if, hey I don't get what I want, so its okay that you don't get what you want. Also don't take the fact that you are unable to meet her needs as a sign on inadequacy. It's not. Your wife is really doing you a favor by telling you directly what she wants from you. Now you just need to do it. Here is the kicker, the more you go out of your way to meet her needs, the more she will respond by meeting your needs. If you help meet your wifes needs, she'll win. And in a marriage, if you're spouse wins, you win. You'll find your wife to be more loving, caring, and open to listening to your needs. Good luck.

It's good to see that you're not being defensive here. For me, I know in your situation, I would have probably gotten defensive, and blown everything out of proportion. As others have suggested, perhaps you're wife was bothered by something else. It's common for people to show their frustration indirectly. She might have been bothered by something, and decided to fixate on something minor like you leaving without saying anything to her. You can take these times as opportunities to find out what deep down is bothering your wife. Validate her immediate feelings without getting defensive; its called giving containment. Something like "I'm sorry that you were bothered by me leaving without saying something. I can see how that comes off as being rude." Then you can say something about what was on your mind, that is how you had a rough day, or you can ask her what else is bothering her.

At first she was afraid of hurting me, and when I'd ask her whats wrong she'd say "nothing." I'd pry and she said "I'm just in a blah mood." Now in counseling, we had talked a little about this, and the counselor said to her that it was important for her to share her feelings because I would naturally assume the worst. In counseling, we've learned that my wife doesn't express her negative feelings because she grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents. She had to be the care taker of her other siblings, and as such she put her needs as secondary. She finds it hard to think about certain things like "why does she not see us working things out?" I know it's difficult for her, and because it's hard for her, and she's not sure where her heart lies, she's not willing to put up the effort. At least thats how I feel when she says "This isn't what she wants." To me, my wife has always had a hard time making difficult choices. Right now she doesn't really have to choose between saving the marriage and divorce. The choice isn't immediate, or threatening her, so she's hasn't made up her mind yet. I think that makes her hard for her to commit to saving our relationship more than she already has. This just sucks.

Doesn't seem like there is anything wrong with you. I think you have genuine feelings for this person, and in a way this person was meeting some of your needs. Having your needs met is a powerful thing, and when its gone, you'll put up with a lot to get that feeling of completeness back. Why is it that you have NC with this person? Are you trying to get him out of your life? Do you feel miserable after you meet up with him? If you need strength to keep away, focus on the negative aspects about him and use that. It's going to take time to get over him, but I know that's easier said than done.