Hello,
I pretty much have all the answers, just sharing an experiance that might actually help others (men or women) in the same boat.
I have been married for 11 years to a wonderful woman. The beginning of our relationship was fantastic for the first few years.
Being a man, I always anticipated that eventually one of us would get board and move on in life. We never did. We did, however, begin arguing over issues, like finance and trust. Scince then, about 3 years into our relationship we began to break up....Every 4 months or so...for the last 8 years streight. Things would be good, then poor, then really poor, then ok, then better and repeat.
The issue has been mostly me, although it takes 2 to make a relationship work, after 11 years I finally realize all the things, and I mean ALL the things that I am responsible for in a marriage that I did not do.
For all the men out there in long term marriages / relationships...please listen to these simple words..."TELL THE TRUTH, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL, AND TELL HER /SHOW HER OFTEN"
Love alone is not enough to support a marriage. There is a level of commitment that really should be there when the question is popped, but it's not just Love.
I should know, I love my wife, and I'm pretty sure she loves me, and we are on our way to the end of the mariage.
You see I was dishonest with my wife because once married I did everything in my power to be as much of a bachelor as possible. I still stayed out late, I partied when it was inconvienient for everyone but me. I was lazy and disorganized, I smoked POT all day and night even though I held down a good job. I could'nt see that my wife was building resentment for having all the responsibility of the relationship falling on her shoulders. Her mistake was allowing herself to be treated that way, but we loved each other and she thought I would develop out of that. I did, but always too late. We would break up and I never really thought that it would actually happen. It did't for years, so I could take this realtionship for granted, and thats what I taught myself to do. It did'nt matter if we broke up, we would get back together, I would say sorry most of the time and manage to strengthen up until we got back into our confortable system of abuse. Then repeat the same every 4 months of the year.
This year I did it again. I really smashed the trust to bits, relying on the fact that we would just get over it. well....
There comes a point in everyones lives where something they love that causes them pain has to be removed, by their own insight or by force, either way we all have a breaking point. My wife has crossed hers.
We were getting better before I took some extra cash I made and spent it on my own things. Sounds harmless to some, but if you have massive debt like most families, you simply need to be resposible with that kind of thing. I was'nt, I never admitted that I had it, and when she found out about it ( all women have this ability, don't fool yourselves) I lied right to her face ( all men do this, I still can't completely figure it out).
When she found out that I was lying about the money, she said something that she'd never said before. " I will never, never, never,never trust you again so long as I live"
It took me a week, but I know know that I am directly responsible for completely smashing what could have been a totaly wonderful marriage to an awesome woman. I have been wrought with pain and sufferance because as my understaning of the damage became clear, so did ALL of the past experainces and the reason why they all came crashing down around me.
I realized that I was a "partener" a co-founder of the relationship and the business of our love. I ignored these duties to the point where she could no longer tolerate it. For her own sanity she has taken the best step for herself and is getting me out of her life.
Want to know the saddest part? I at the age of 34 am now ready to fulfill those responsibilities, not that its over an I think that will make it better, it IS OVER and NOTHING I do now will bring it back, but that week I realized all the things required of me and for the first time truly understood what Husband means.
I would love to be able to do the following:
share in the suffering of all household responsibilities
hold and kiss her just one more time.
be there when she needs me and make damn sure she knows that she is priority number one.
tell her the truth forever more.
SHOW her I love her,not just say it.
Listen to her and what she's saying.
cherish this person and know that for 11 years she tolerated as much as she could, with a person who couldnt see 1 inch past his face.
make her special occations special.
be man enough and strong enough to take the wheel, instead of leaving her to tough out the storm alone, make the decision.
This is't the whole list, but it's some of the critical ones ( actually I wrote down over 100 of them)
All of that is too late. We still co-habitate in the same house, we have 3 kids, a mortgage 2 cars and a lifetime of debt to nurture, and neither of us can afford to go elsewhere. We speak very seldom to one another now, we are polite and do not argue anymore, but thats because she has finally let go of dreaming that I will change.
I am changing now, for myself, so that If I am lucky enough to EVER be in a relationship with someone I can say I love as much as I do my wife, I swear by God, that I will never let this kind of travisty happen because of my ignorace, my selfishness, and ultimatly my fear.
Lovenut01
