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LostInMyThoughts

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Everything posted by LostInMyThoughts

  1. LostInMyThoughts
    Reading your post, it seems like you might be placing too much of your happiness on having your boyfriend around, based on your comments about suicide and panic. Its natural to miss your sig. other, but if his absense is really crippling you, something else is up. I'm glad to hear that you're seeking professional help. --- Do you have many outside activities, like sports, art, music, etc? Doing things that you are passionate about, helps to take your mind of a missing love. Is there a particular reason you can't fly out to see him? Is he in the military? --- One thing to consider is that if the pain is too much to bare, you can end the relationship. I know its so much easier for me to say it than it is to do it, but I'm serious. 9mons -> 3 years is a long time for you to be putting your needs on hold. Sometimes doing the hardest thing now, will end up being the best thing you ever did for yourself.
  2. LostInMyThoughts
    He is most likely attracted to you. Some men will flirt with attractive women just to see if they still "got it." It's a confidence booster if women pay attention to them. If you are wondering if you should continue your relationship; I don't think thats a good idea. I don't think what you two are doing is particularly wrong, but I think it's laying the foundation for a potentially bad situation. Lets say he is interested in you and decides to make the first move. You start being more than casual acquantences. Would you be comfortable being this person's side fling? He may have feelings for you, but that may not be enough to make him leave the safety of his marriage. He'll be torn between his wife, and you, and you and his wife will suffer. If he does leave his marriage for you and you end up in a serious committed relationship, there is a really good chance that he will cheat on you, with someone else. Is that something you would be okay with? Unless he can confront why he wants to go outside his committed relationship, he'll find himself in the same situation over and over again.
  3. LostInMyThoughts
    This doesn't help your situation, but you should take comfort in knowing that things will change. It sounds like you have girls that are friends. Thats actually a pretty important thing, really. Have you tried to grow your friendship with them? Not to try and become more than friends, but to just strengthen your friendship with them?
  4. LostInMyThoughts
    Thanks everybody! You've all given me valuable insight. I don't believe its a fear of being alone. I've been alone for the past few months, and before getting involved with my ex-wife, I was alone for like 4-5 months, so its not that I need the time to find myself. I don't think about my wife, or my marriage too much. I do compare this girls interests with mine; I don't think thats too weird. I was at her place on wednesday helping her with some computer troubles and we talked for quite some time. I did mention the divorce; she mentioned that she went through something similar in her life. She did say that sometimes it's better that someone goes through that so they know better what they want; so I hope me coming clean wasn't the end of things with her. I did mention my ex a few times; so I need to work on not bringing that up so much. When I conversate, I often use anecdotes to relate to other people and having been with my ex-wife for 3+ years, it's hard not to reference somethings about our relationship. Obviously I need to get over that. Anyway I felt really good about things after hanging out with her, and I can't wait to check her band out on saturday! I plan on keeping it light, and friendly, but the door isn't closed to more. I hope that's okay.
  5. LostInMyThoughts
    You asking a girl out who isn't interested in you won't cause problems at work. If you do go out, end up being semi-serious and things don't work out; that will most likely cause problems. It sounds like she is interested in you, and would probably like to go out. I think other coworkers probably are aware of your mutual attraction,, she probably knows this and is trying to down play it by saying things like "He wont leave me alone." when she secretly enjoys your attention. As for the age issue, you'll have to decide if you can deal with it. 18 year olds act much different than 21 year olds who act much different than 26 year olds.
  6. LostInMyThoughts
    A few days ago, my wife and I decided to divorce. We had been separated since mid august, and after having most of november in NC, I found myself growing further from her. I kept thinking about divorce, and in many ways took comfort in the thought. During this time, I've been taking care of myself: working out, taking classes, started back playing music, and other new extra curricular activities. The one thing I couldn't do was go out with girls. I dunno, I just wanted to go to dinner, movies, hang out, but I wouldn't do it because I felt like I was betraying my marriage. Now of course, since things are over, and what was stopping me before isn't there. I've met someone who I think is real cool and I would like to ask her out. I know she at least is somewhat interested in me (body signals, gave me a book, asked me to come watch her band play, mentioned me to her band mates). My only concern is that other people might percieve this as being a rebound relationship. I don't believe this is the case; I think I'm ready but then again, I thought that I wouldn't be married at 24 and divorced at 25. Am I blind to the reality because of the pain of my ending marriage? Should I trust that I am okay, and just go for it. The last thing I would want to do is hurt/use this person to help heal myself; but I think going out and having a good time with a chick is what I need right now.
  7. LostInMyThoughts
    Thanks all. I'm going to do my best, everyday, to enjoy life for what it is, and not worry about things that I cannot control. Everyday is a blessing, and I intend to spend it like that.
  8. LostInMyThoughts
    Thanks everyone. I followed your advice, and spoke up today during counseling. I said my peace, and my wife finally had to courage to express her desire. She doesn't want to be married to me anymore, so we are getting a divorce. It is sad news of course, but in a way I'm also glad because I can start to address my needs. Now I just gotta figure out if Im ready to start dating again.
  9. LostInMyThoughts
    There are varying degrees of dependence. The level of which your life depends on someone else can either be healthy or unhealthy. In addition co-dependence is another problem that can occur in a relationship. If you "depend" on your partner for affection, love, and to be your companion, I don't think thats unhealthy. If you look to them to support you during the rough times, again I dont think thats bad. If you look to them to boost your self esteem, or to carry you, or for them to provide you with happiness, thats bad. There are only some needs that a partner can meet; anymore than this set, and I think its unhealthy. Codependence, otoh, is when someone is in the role of the caretaker. You essentially stifle your needs in order to satisfy the needs of others. If you're a parent, to some extent this is necessary. But in a mutual relationship, its bad, and in the long run one or both people will probably end up miserable.
  10. LostInMyThoughts
    I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I can't even imagine what this must be like. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
  11. LostInMyThoughts
    Just go for it. I think people spend too much time trying to analyze the signals that other people send us. You know she doesn't have a boyfriend, and that she could be potentially interested in you. I don't think you really need to know anything more. What do you have to lose by asking her out? The worst can happen is she says no. The best that happen, is well, you two become a couple. Seems like a no brainer.
  12. LostInMyThoughts
    Thank you both so much for your advice. You're right; I don't need her permission, but I do feel like I'm obligated to let her know. I'm not doing this to make her jealous, just want to do it to enjoy my life. Is it wrong, to feel like I'm not fully enjoying myself because of a lack of companionship? Sorta like looking to someone else to meet my needs.
  13. LostInMyThoughts
    I'm sorry that things aren't good for you right now. I think if you want something good to happen, you have to make it happen. It sounds like Yoda nonsense, but time spent wishing is time spent not doing. I've made several mistakes in my life. In fact I excell in screwing up. But instead of dwelling on mistakes, I learn from them. Experience is a powerful teacher. Its okay that you make mistakes. Just learn from them. I think failure is so much better for us, than success, even though its much harder to deal with. PM me if you want to go into detail why you are lost. Good luck, and I'll say a prayer for you.
  14. LostInMyThoughts
    I'm tired of waiting around for my wife to figure out what she wants. We're married but we've been separated since september. Since then our relationship has steadily declined. I don't know why, but right now I'm really hurting for that connection/satisfaction you get with being with someone romantically. I can't put into words why this is so important, but the lack of it is making things hard. I've done a really good job of taking care of myself during this tough time, but no matter what I do I can't stop wanting to go out with women and having a good time. I've put my need for female companionship on hold, to give her the time and space she needed to figure things out. Though its been only 3 weeks since I've really pulled back, it's been really tough on me. Why is my desire to be with a woman so strong? Why don't I care if the woman is my wife or not? I miss going to the movies, going out to dinner, the emotional connection, and physical contact. I'm not going to go outside my marriage to meet my needs, but I've found myself very tempted too. I've been flirting with a couple girls, and have even thought about asking one out to dinner. I know its wrong, but I hate my current situation. I also think my desire could be clouding my judgement. Other than my wife is still going to counseling with me, there isn't anything positive about our relationship anymore. My best friend told me that I shouldn't end my marriage to be with a girl, which is good advice. At the same time, I hate giving up what I want, for a chance of saving my marriage. My wife knows about my flirting, because I'm not going to do anything behind her back, but I don't know how much longer I can continue to lie in the cut, and put my needs on hold. I want to tell my wife that I want to see other people. Is that wrong?
  15. LostInMyThoughts
    To be blunt, this person sexually harassed you. I'd say call him on the phone, and say pretty much what you said here. That what he said was disrespectful, and how you felt after what he said. Hopefully he will apologize, after which you'll have to decide if he really is a friend, and if his friendship is worth having. As I see it, his behavior is no different than a person who gets drunk and gropes someone else.
  16. LostInMyThoughts
    As I see it, these two questions are actually unrelated in your case. As others have said, there is nothing for which your boyfriend needs your forgiveness for. As for the memories, what about his past behavior bothers you? In order for you to move on I think you'll need to figure out what it is. Once you figure this out, talk with your boyfriend and share why his past behavior bother you. Let him know that you don't hold it against him, but that you wouldn't want to be with a person who is like this. I think its also important to let him know that he is free to be whom he wants to be, but you're also free to choose whom you want to be with. If its true, tell him that you believe him when he says that its the past. I struggled with my wifes past drug use and promiscuity as well, so I think I can relate to you.
  17. LostInMyThoughts
    It doesn't seem like your girlfriend is complex. Certainly having more experience in life does not make you more or less complex. What's bothering you about her being more experienced? Is it that she's had more boyfriends, or are you more afraid of how you'll compare to them? As you get older, experience isn't a bad thing. Hopefully she'll know about what she likes, and when you two get comfortable with each other she'll share that with you. Honestly that will make your "job" much easier. Her not wanting to give herself, is just how she is coping with the hurt she received from her past relationships. It has little to do with you, unfortunately. She wants to make sure you're not going to hurt her, and its a natural thing. When she is more comfortable with you, and when you've earned her trust, she'll open herself more. Just because her previous boyfriends wrote her poetry, doesn't mean you can't either. Also, her previous boyfriends turned out to be jerks. Don't make that same mistake. Soon enough your own creativity will help you think of things to "impress" her. Just give it time. Don't look as these things as being "tricks" either. They are part of who you are. Just be yourself. It'll be more than enough.
  18. LostInMyThoughts
    I'm for the legalization of marijuana, but specifically for medical use. It's never going to happen though. Phramaceuticals make way too much money on their engineered drugs.
  19. LostInMyThoughts
    I understand that you want nothing more than to ensure that this womans safety comes first. However if the woman isn't ready to leave her abusive husband, a third party will only make it worse. That said, any an all contact between the two that involves discussion of her relationship will only lead to more intimacy between them. I still believe that the best course is for him to stay away. He's not a friend of the marriage and really has no business trying to be. If he's afraid for her safety either notify the police, or tell a friend of the marriage. Other than that he should stay out.
  20. LostInMyThoughts
    I also hate to say this, but what you two share isn't love. It's infidelity.
  21. LostInMyThoughts
    The OP isn't the right person simply because they already have an inappropriate relationship. I don't believe that either one of them will be strong enough to deal with their emotional attachment to each other, let alone handle sorting out the mess with her relationship. The person she needs to talk with is her husband. Period. If he's a jerkface and wont change, then she should take appropriate actions. Having an affair definitely is not appropriate, and niether is discussing your marital problems with an outside party whom you have intimate feelings for. All that will do is strengthen their connection and make it harder for the both of them to do the right thing.
  22. LostInMyThoughts
    Depends. Are you interested in a long term relationship with this woman? If so, don't bother. She has problems and she's not addressing them. She's just finding a convient outlet for her problems, but it wont amount to much. She'll do the exact same thing if you and her get serious. I gaurentee it. If you don't care about ruining 3 peoples lives, go ahead and continue. The best thing is to forget it happened and move on. Trust me, she's got issues that you're not privvy too, and in the end all three of you will end up hurt. You both could easily end up dead. Think your lives are worth that fling? She needs to deal with her relationship, not complicate your life.
  23. LostInMyThoughts
    First of all Adolf Hitler was a horrible person; you're not. We all have a lot ot be thankful for, but that doesn't mean we should accept our situations. You both have legitimate reasons for what you want out of life. She wants to travel, and you would like to be closer to home. It's great that you want to take care of your brother, however, you need to take care of yourself first. That means putting your needs first. If you believe you'll be happier with your girlfriend, then do what it takes to be with her. You might want to think about sharing your feelings with your girlfriend. I think thats one thing most of us in relationships don't do, and it ends up destroying us. It sounds like your girlfriend really meant it when she said your brother could live with you. Don't worry so much about if she is putting her needs aside but make sure you check in with her and ask if she is okay with it. Let her know that you want to support her, and that the door isn't closed for her to travel and live abroad.
  24. LostInMyThoughts
    Good luck! I'm so glad your taken this huge and important step!
  25. LostInMyThoughts
    It's not rare, and I think its okay to feel the way you do. He just sounds like he is at a different point in the relationship than you are. I'm sorry that your feelings are getting hurt, but it sounds like you understand that he's not doing it intentionally. I don't think it was a good idea to have mentioned some other girl messaging him, because you're invading his personal business. It seems like he made it clear that he wanted something light, so I don't think what he is doing is wrong, but I really understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you're ready for a more serious relationship than this person is ready to give, so you have to make a difficult choice. You can continue to be with this guy, knowing that he's not ready for what you want, or you can end things and start looking forward. It's not easy as sounds sure, but it does get easier. Of course you can talk to him, and tell him how you feel.
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