kellbell

Hey there, If I read your post correct, you are going by third party information?

Hey there, "I'm still angry and hurt though. I think that he could do more to help me." I totally understand. You are giving up A LOT to be with him, you are taking HUGE risks...and you expect and need his support. Even though this is your move and so forth...you will need some emotional support if anything. Perhaps that is what you are looking for. Not sure. Why are you negative?

Also, one more thought, you worrying about him and how he is going to think when you stop answering his emails, IM's and so forth....you are putting HIS needs and FEELINGS before yours. Stop it girl! LOL You really need to start thinking of you, taking care of you and putting yourself FIRST!! He is out having a good ol' time with these women while you are stressing over how he would feel or think when you cut all contact with him. Makes no sense at all my friend. Go out, have some fun!!! Start livin' it up...he certainly is, I recommend you do the same. Hang in there! (((hugs)))

Hey there, Yikes, ummm, I would say something if I were in your situation. All I have to say is this guy would not be bothering if your girlfriend was not encouraging him in some way. I would definitely confront her about those pictures.

Hey there, I am so sorry you are hurting right now. "Then a few days ago, I went on this site that I know he goes on and I found out things I did not need to know! He is dating someone else now, and I found out a bunch of other things which I am completely turned off and disgusted by." I have a few points to make about this. One, this is the internet, people can make stuff up, people fib, you cannot believe everything you read. Something to keep in mind. The other point, if the things you read about are in fact true, perhaps you did not know him as well you as you thought. If that is the case, you are mourning over a person whom does not exist. "What do I tell him ? If I tell him what I know, then I will also have to tell him that I was snooping around!" To be honest, you do not have to tell him anything. He sure did not tell you he was seeing someone or the things you are disgusted by at the moment, so why does he have to be privy to what is going on in your life? What you want to reveal to him is at YOUR discretion. Plus, if he is smart, he will figure out you know he is seeing someone. Hopefully, he will get the hint.

Hey there, "It also may turn out that I would be the one uncomfortable with it. He might get on my nerves or something!" Exactly! LOL And when/if that happens, you will have your own place to go to when things cool off. I am a firm believer getting to know someone while having your OWN space. While it may seem like you know your boyfriend well now, when you get to his country and spend time with him on a more mundane, everyday level...you will discover you have a lot you do not know about him...the same goes for him. And the worse thing you can do is have that happen while you living together. "Yes he did say that about our relationship then but he has since then made it clear he wants me and wants me there." That is a relief! I would go ahead and rent your own pad. Again, I wish you all the best!

Hey there, "Yes it was assumed we would be shacking up as every other time I have been there he has pretty much lived with me. Okay, I was in a very similar situation last year. I was living in Connecticut and my now boyfriend lives in Colorado. We met via internet and I flew out here in Feb. 2006 to meet him. It was easier for me to travel instead of him. Plus, I was planning to move at some point anyhow. When I came out here to visit, yes, I stayed with my boyfriend. We discussed that before I came out the first time and agreed I would stay with him instead of a hotel. And we did all those things you mentioned, shopping, cooking, etc. After the first time I came out here, I knew I wanted to move here and be exclusive with him. I came out here 3 times after Feb. 2006. The final time I came out here, I secured a place to live. I looked on link removed and found possible places and my boyfriend took me to see them and then I made my final choice. I made it perfectly clear I did not want to live my boyfriend right off the bat when I eventually made to Colorado nor did I want to stay at his place while I found a place. Plus, I had no idea where I would put my things. We discussed all this in great detail before I came out here. I stood to lose A LOT to lose if things were to remain "wishy-washy." "The longest period of time was 3 months and he was there 247 and lived with me, did chores with me and the whole nine yards. I was there in September but only for 2 weeks and he stayed with me 247 again. He went grocery shopping for me and I cooked for him. So it doesn't make a bit of sense in my mind for him to say one thing and his actions say the opposite?" The point here I believe you are missing is that STAYING with someone is so different than LIVING with someone. And you would be living with him for some extent when you looking for a place. Maybe he is afraid once you stay with him while you are looking that perhaps you may get complacent and not look for a place at all or not look hard enough and then want to stay for good. When I visited my boyfriend while I was still in Connecticut had no reality at all. We went places, we were not working (we took time off from our jobs so I can visit), it was like a vacation. Plus, there was that underlying fact that I would be returning home within a week so we made the best of the time we had. That is so different than living with the person. Or even having daily accesabilty to that person. So, forgive me if I am off but don't you think you are relying on your boyfriend a bit much for this move? That is a big assumption on your part that you would crash at his place when you eventually move out there. And moving to another country...that is a HUGE risk. I mean, my boyfriend I spent countless hours on the phone (8 hours a night sometimes), IM'ing, webcams, visited him 4 times...we still did not know each other well enough. I made that mistake in the past and I just did not want to make it again. I understand you are angry and hurt, but I cannot help to feel your anger is a bit misplaced. Assumptions are very very risky. Is there any way you can make living arragements before you arrive in his country. Did you get a chance to looks a possible prospects when you visited. Is there a way to go out there one more time to secure up a place? Reading your previous threads about this matter reveals that your boyfriend did not decisively say you can stay with him and even questioned the future of your relationship. I just feel some wrinkles need to be ironed out before things can progress. I really hope this all works out because I understand the time, money and mental preparation is going into this move.

Hey there, Wow, what a change that will be for you to move to a new country! Congradualtions! I went back and looked at your other threads from the past and this one popped out at me, from November 6th... "I really don't know how I could have prevented this or saw it in advance. The bf and I got to talking again over the weekend. Still there were some things nagging at me. We had never really discussed our living arrangements when I move there. I just thought we'd be living together. So I thought it would be a good idea to ask so we could plan for it. So I asked him what his plans were after I moved there. If he was planning on living with me. He said no, he planned on living by himself if he could find a place. I was flabbergasted! I asked him why and he said because he likes being solitary." Okay, so was it assumed because you guys are together you would be shacking up with him? Did you both come up with a solution? This discussion happened over two months ago. What I would suggest is talking to him again and come up with an agreement as to how long you will stay at his place until you find your own place OR can you look via internet for places now? This is a very big deal and having living arragements is pretty important. I would try to call him again and see what you both can work out. I am so sorry this is happening so close to when you move. Keep me updated. (((hugs)))

Hey there, I just went back and looked over your previous threads and this is not a new issue for your and your girlfriend. I am confused as to why you both continue to play with fire, that you don't use birth control. I know you mentioned using condoms but they can break as you know. It is good to have a backup. If she is young and has not had her period long, then her cycles may not be regular yet. Why not take a pregancy test to find out for sure? Worrying sick about it is not doing you both any good if you do not know for sure. And if she is "late" then she is able to take a test. If she is worried about her parents finding out birth control, or feels she cannot afford it, then she can go to Planned Parenthood. Check the Yellow Pages. It is confidential and they usually match and birth control is very affordable. I urge you both to check into it.

Hey Darkpumpkin, Do you excersise during that time? Perhaps getting out and doing some physical activity can get those endorphins going and counteract those negative feelings.

P.S. I would only say that comment only IF I were fed those silly over used cop-out break up lines. Now, if it were something else...like the person is no longer happy, no longer in love or something deeper...then I would listen and be more compassionate.

"i am also interested in responses that the dumper would never expect and that would completely throw them off." "Don't bother to contact me when your other prospect does not work out."

Hey there, Since we all know those are cop-out break-up lines and really mean he/she is not into the relationship anymore, I would say, "Okay, fine. If that is what you want. Good luck. Don't bother to contact me when your other prospect does not work out." I fell for a few of those lines years ago, when I did not know any better, now I do. So with that in mind, there is nothing I can say or do to make the person want to be with me. It is apparent he does not want to be with me anymore. Plus, I am WAY TOO stubborn and proud to beg or plead. I would be upset but I have never begged an ex to explain or stay.

Hang in there MG, you are doin' just fine.

Hey there soon, "Marriage vows say "in sickness and in health". She is sick. Shouldn't I stay? If she had cancer, I would stay. How is this any different? An alcoholic or drug user is sick. I wouldn't stay with either. But both are sick and marriage is about helping each other. Is it acceptable to leave an alcoholic or drug user because those sicknesses are somewhat choices whereas no one chooses cancer? So it's ok to leave a marriage when someone chooses to be sick and not get better?" Yes, this all very true BUT at the same time, the person whom is suffering from the illness or addiction HAS to be willing to help him/herself as well. If not, by the other staying is enabling the "sufferer" to continue on his/her destructive path. So, by you staying with your wife, whom continues to treat you poorly with no intention of seeking help, enables her to continue being this way. There is only so much you can do...it all boils down to the other person and whether or not he/she wants to help him/herself. You deserve to be happy and you are not. I pointed out the OCPD to you perhaps to shed light on the situation, that indeed this personality disorder does exsist and that perhaps she can get some help. But if you are sure she will not, you have to remove yourself from the situation. This is tearing you apart. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.

"You can't discuss all possible scenarios in a relationship" Well of course not and I did not state that. But when a couple decides to become exclusive, then are many areas that need to be discussed, boundries that need to be laid down. And cheating is no exception. I have seen countless times here on eNotAlone that people assume that going to a strip club (for example) and getting a lap dance is not cheating but in hindsight, the partner feels it IS cheating. And since his girlfriend is bi-sexual, talking about what constitutes cheating seems paramount. She ASSUMED he would not mind simply because she is bi and that he knew. Apparently, it is not cool with him. "Some things dont need to be stated. Engaging in a sexual act with ANY individual other than your partner is cheating." Well, Tears, apparently your logic and assumptions about this matter did not occur to your girlfriend. Just because it seems logical to YOU and makes sense to you...does not mean others will see it that way. That is why communication is important.

Let me ask this, since her bi-sexuality is a special circumstance, did you both discuss what constitutes cheating? It is different for every couple. When my boyfriend and I decided to be exclusive and we had this discussion and he mentioned, hypothetically since I am heterosexual but he was covering all his bases, that me being with another woman is cheating to him. So, my question is, did you have this discussion? If you did and you laid down your boundries, then heck yeah, you have every right to be mad and consider it cheating. If not, then you are kind of both at fault. If you never discussed it, then getting mad after the fact seems pointless. You both went on by assumptions and we know that saying is about assuming...

Cheating is a relative matter. If it is cheating to YOU, yes, then it is cheating. To me yes, that is cheating. It is engaging in a sexual act with someone else, behind your back. The same rules still apply...cheating is most certainly a deal breaker for me. Is it for you?

I see, Well, I would wait until you are ready. Even though you have experienced it before, I would wait until you feel comfortable with the idea. You are right, anal sex is more than that, it is about trust, patience. You have not been dating long perhaps you place so much more value on the act, hence you not feeling up to yet.

Hey darkpumpkin! I went back and found your thread from December. Might these be the reasons?

SweetJade, This guy has a track record of acting like a jerk and hurting you. Why would this situation be any different? The only thing you MAY get if he is telling the truth is a warning. I have intervewed hundreds and hundreds of inmates and I cannot recall any of them being in jail for deleting a mySpace Account and excessive phone calling. I think you will be fine. Just STAY the heck away from him.

Hey there, Since cheating IMO is a cowardly act, I would call this all a bluff. What a hypocryte, sleeping with prostitutes which it TOTALLY illegal and he supposedly calls the cops about some phone calls and deleting a mySpace Account. What I would suggest is try your best to calm down and do NOT contact him ever again. Total NC. Leave him alone. If he texts you with petty stuff about this alleged lawsuit, ignore them. I would save them in case as well. I truly believe he is yanking your chain, trying to get a rise out of you and humliate you all over again. I am so sorry. (((hugs)))

Hey there, I am so sorry things did not work out. Let us know how you are doing okay? (((hugs)))

Hey there, I dated a med student and my friend, I would strongly advise you not to get too involved with her. In fact, at this point, I would really limit contact with her. Med students a VERY difficult to date. As for 26, I would stop seeing her because you seem to be not into her as much. She keeps contacting you because you backed off. This is not going to end until you are straight up with her.

"As your father declines in health and you start feeling your own mortality, the real depth of your mistake and how you treated your wife will hit you like a ton of bricks." Crazyaboutdogs is right on the mark here I am afraid. You and your wife have a very long and painful road ahead...for different reasons.