kellbell

Hey blackhawk, I met my current honey via internet. We started chatting via Yahoo! Messanger. The ways I showed him I was (still very much am ) totally interested was I always complimented him. Not just the "oh you are so cute," or, "you look good in that picture (did that too) but more deep compliments like, "you make me feel great about myself," or "I don't know what I what I would have done without your imput." Along those lines. Also, I did little subtle things like those emoticons, I use the "kissy" ones, the ones with the beating hearts and I called him honey, sweetie, baby all the time. I was also always online and when he signed on, I always got butterflies in my tummy, I had the enormous sense of relief and joy that he signed on and I let him know that. Bottom line is I made it very clear I was interested. Also, we played the "what if" game a lot. I was in Connecticut at the time and he is in Colorado. So we played what if we were this and what if I moved...You know what I mean? I hope this helped you some. All I know, I made it pretty apparent I was interested in pursuing things further early on. Good luck to you.

Hey missme, Try not to beat yourself over this. It's okay. (((hugs))) I also wanted to point out a few things because I did the same stuff in the past. Try not to place expectations on people. The way I see it, you were expecting your ex to play nice and deleve into his life with you because you both have moved on and have new people in your lives. Nothing went the way you expected at all. I have learned the hard way not to do that. I am still learning. Also, it is my feeling your ex is the back your mind because they way things ended and the fact nothing went according to what you are comfortable with. My advise to you is to let this go once and for all. You did everything you could and things always get messy everytime you take a stab at making things "right." But right for whom? You are with someone new, someone you cherish and feels the same about you. Nothing else should matter. I recommend you never contact your ex again. Hang in there and enjoy the time with your new beau. (((hugs)))

Hey there, I was just looking at your past posts about Rachel and this jealousy towards her new toy makes sense to me. This goes beyond a "piece of plastic." From what I have read, especially in early December, there are many other issues coming into play. Basically I see a lack of trust, friendship, and respect in this relationship. Case in point, you both went to chruch concert and she was oogling another guy, then deserted you to be with her friends. And you mentioned on November 16th, you figured out she lied to you about her whereabouts. So the underlying issue here is that Rachel (that I know of) has not given you any incentive to trust her, nor has she shown you any respect or let you into important aspects of her life. So, in a way, this new sex toy can be another representation of her shutting you out her life and being somewhat secretive about it. That hurts. Now, if you both set up that foundation in your relationship properly, then this sex toy would not be an issue IMO. In fact, you may be intrigued with it and use it together, to explore and become closer. So my advice to you is to talk to her, ask why she keeps shutting you out, being disrespectful and lying to you. But you need to call her out on it, confront her about it, if you continue to let this slide, you are only permitting this type of behavior. I wish you all the best. Take care.

Darkpumpkin, Believe me, I was in the position as you in the past. I had a bad track record of being co-dependent. I put my needs way last, did everything what the other wanted so I can show what a great, flexible, reliable, understanding person I can be. After I awhile, my needs were not being met because I was too busy meeting others' needs. It catches up, believe me it does. The resentments come out and they cannot be stopped. And others will push you around if you let them. If you were hungry before his hockey practice, then you should have eaten. I would say, "I am hungry, I am getting something to eat before we leave." If he does not like it, too bad. You need to eat and that was your need at the time. Why you would until after 10PM to eat?? I am sure your counselor can give you some pointers on getting your needs accross and met. I would work on that.

Hey Darkpumpkin, "He's very selfish and I guess in the last few months I've seen him put himself first before me." How is he selfish? He is putting himself before you because you letting him. Based on your post from yesterday, you are apologizing for things that are not your fault. You take on all the responsibility for your arguments so he will not leave you. You are doing things you are not necessarily into in order to keep him happy, so he will appreitiate you, so he will finally realize what a super duper girlfriend you are. I mean, you went to his hockey practice freezing cold and starving. So, it is my belief you are expecting him to feel bad for you and then go out of his way for you. I am sorry, it just does not work that way. He is acting "selfish" because you do everything he wants and give into everything he wants. While you secretly seeth away about and resent matters because he is doing what he wants. Pumpkin, in your thread earlier yesterday, you received wonderful advice. It would be a darn shame if you did not at least try what everyone had advised you to do. Bottom line is, you are expecting him to be mind reader, feel sorry for you because you give in so much and appretiate all you do. Believe me, I did the same things in past while I sit in the corner and sulk because I was not appretiated. He is losing interest and respect for you day by day, whether he realizes it or not. Hence him becoming distant. You are making things way too easy for him, there is not challenge. Just try for one week, to put your foot down, call him on matters which he was wrong, when you are upset tell him why, how you see it. And stick to your guns. I know this is hard but you are going to lose him once and for all until you stop being a pushover. Hang in there okay. (((hugs)))

"And when i say nothing wrong, means, I seriously worshiped this woman, literally I agreed with anything she said, even if it WAS wrong. If she needed anything, i would drop what i was doing and be over there within 10 minutes. I would never question her, doubt her, seriously the "hollywood" type model boyfriend.... Most girls would KILL for a guy like that." From what you described here, you were a pushover. A person with no backbone and let her walk all over you. No one respects a pushoever, she did not respect you. You let her cross all your boundries so you can be "perfect" like her ex. Absolute nonsense. She is out her mind. I would leave her be and be on your own for awhile. Perhaps take a step back and reflect as to why you attract women with problems, that are drama queens. You have to concentrate on the common demonitator and that is you. There are some aspects you need to adjust and change. Take some time to be on your own for bit.

Hey there Anthony! " 1) We still have a date planned for our wedding "take 2" but have not ordered or paid for anything other than the ceremony." This is the least of your worries at the moment. "2) My fiance and I still argue quite a lot, due to the mutual resentment between us as a result of what her parents did to us last year. She thinks I should take the chip off my shoulder (get rid of the grudge) and we can all be one big happy family (even though they still refuse to say sorry or change their ways)." This worries me here. For a couple of reasons. One, she is not even trying to put the shoe on the other foot, to see matters from your perspective. And the other, she is going through life with blinders on. It is very hard to just forgive and forget. And the odd thing is, she knows what her parents (her mom) have done is wrong or else she would not think she would have to talk to her parents. But yet she tells you just to forget everything. She avoids confrontation like the plauge. "3) Our finances aren't any better. We have sat down together a number of times recently to look at the numbers and we can afford the wedding if we use half of her savings, but otherwise it wil be very difficult right now. There's still a lot of uncertainty with my job, which was as much a shock to me as it was to everyone else, as last year my job and income were great. It's certainly not something I had planned and hoped would happen!" My friend, a wedding is not supposed to make a person broke like this. Plus, it is just a wedding, the MARRIAGE is what is crucial here. Do you really have to have an extraggavent wedding? It is supposed to be a happy time of your life, not miserable. What is the point? "4) I've been feeling more and more what you might say "depressed" recently, to the point where my head feels like a train's hit it. I feel bruised, aching, tired and my confidence in social settings has nearly gone. My fiance is gaining weight each week and her health is also getting a bit worse like she is always very tired and she says she is depressed too." You feel like this because of all the stress you are going through and she too. A wedding is not worth this pain and misery. It is just a wedding, one day! I am sorry to trivliaize your big day but keeping in mind all what you both have been through, it just seems downright pointless. "5) She has been to visit her folks for the last 3 weekends in a row. Each time, she promises me she will talk to them properly about our finances, about our arguments and about my attending religious meetings since December. Each time, she returns home to me and says she didn't talk to her parents 'cos she didn't want to upset her mother." She avoids conflict like the plauge as I mentioned before. My friend, she is not ready to be married. To you or anyone for that matter. You want to know why, because she keeps putting her family first, her parents. Now is the time to put you first, YOU are her family now. And if does not walk through fire to fight for you and protect you, then she is not ready for this ulitimate committment. "6) My dad very nicely and politely phoned her dad last week to discuss our finances and our "other problems", as my parents are worried about me/us. Her dad hid his conversation with my dad from her mom, just like he's deleted emails in the past that I have sent to her mom, or trashed letters I've sent to her mom in the past (when she refused to talk to me on the phone)." Well, it sounds like her dad is a little more reasonable and compassionate. But bear in mind, do you really want to put up with this nonsense for the rest of your life? And subject your future children to these people? "I'm still attending religious meetings. My fiance has decided to attend church, but a totally different church. She seems to enjoy the fact she's chosen the opposite to me, and fails to realise how our 2 different directions might affect us in the future." How has attending these meeting helped you? Do you find inner peace? Do you feel stronger? My friend, for the life of me, cannot understand why you want to marry this woman and marry into her family. I just do not understand. *sigh* "9) But despite all the above, and our fading sex life, she seems very keen to get married later this year still, despite all our problems which just don't get any better." Do you honestly think that marriage will make all your issues disappear? I feel getting married will make your issues worse. If you marry her, I honestly do not think you will make it a year. You need a healthy sex life in your relationship. Without sex, then you two will be just buddies, just roommates. Sex is one of things that separates us from our friends and romantic partners. It sounds like the both of you have nothing to keep your heads above water. "It's all just one big disaster but time is ticking. I think the best compromise would be to postpone the wedding, but she seems against that." So what if she is against it? She does not seem to care how anything or anyone effects you, heck, she just wants you to forget. So why do you have to go along with what she wants? You do not even love her. If find it hard that a person can love another whom treats the other the way she has been treating you. Perhaps you are just dependent on her. This is YOUR LIFE TOO!!!! You are not some robot, some puppet to do what others want you to. You have feelings, thoughts, a mind. You deserve to be happy. As hard it may be, I would cut her loose. And never look back. This is all a disaster and it is my feeling it will only get worse. The least you can do is postphone the wedding. Thank you for checking in and hang in there. We are all pulling for you.

Hey there, That's good. I am so glad you are your girlfriend are taking the proper steps. Thank you so much for the update. Take care!

Hey there, I have worked with clients with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not saying you are not suffering from it but from what you have described so far, it does not sound like you are. Perhaps you have some insecurity issues, self-esteem and attachment issues but it does not necessarily mean you have BPD. Borderline PD is a very serious personality disorder and very difficult to treat. Many Borderlines have threatened suicide, attempted suicide or engage in self-mulitating behaviors. There is also a very strong trend of abuse (i.e. sexual) among those whom suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes treating this disorder a enormous task. It is true that it is very difficult to tease out symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar Disorder because the symptoms overlap, such as the anger, irritability, irrational mood swings and unstable relationships with others. I would not go as far as saying counselors are poorly trained or eduacted in BPD. It takes very hard work on behalf of the patient to get better. But bear in mind, even though you may have this disorder, you still have to be responsible for your actions and how you treat others. I would further research this and try not to diagnose yourself. I would go see another counselor whom specializes in this area.

Yup, it took me a year in half to end it.

"If I don't say sorry then that will be it." I can sympathize with this but if he cannot handle his responsiblities, then he is not the one for you. Relationships should NOT be draining like this. I am sure he will respect you so much more when you use your backbone and hold him accountable for his actions.

Hey there darkpumpkin, "My biggest issue is that I am always saying sorry for fights. Even when he cause them. Even when he's out of line." This statement jumped out at me. NEVER apologize for matters in which were not your fault. You are owning responsiblity for matters you have no means to own. And when you do that, especially in a relationship, the other will walk all over you and lose respect for you. It makes a person appear weak, having no boundries and open to be taken advantage of. Do not apologize for things in order to keep the peace, in order for the other not to be mad at you or to keep things going. It has dire consequences as you are seeing now. He has NO incentive to own up to any responsibility because you take it on. Next time he is out of line, crosses a boundry, call him on it. Tell him you will not tolerate it and leave the room, leave his house, or where ever you are at the time. And stick to your guns! Do call and give in just to keep him around. See how that works. A definition of insanity is doing things the same way and expecting different results. Do something different and see where it takes you.

Hey there, When I ended a four relationship a while back, I felt alwful. I hurt too. Plus, I was hurting months before the relationship ended. I was hurting because I knew I did not love him anymore, hurting because I was scared of hurting him, hurting because I felt an incredible amount of guilt for even entertaining the idea of breaking it off. And after I ended it, I cried...a lot. I wondered how he was doing, felt awful for hurting him, for turning our lives upsidedown. I wanted to know if he was okay. My body hurt do bad due to all the stress, I remember my joints aching really bad. So, I feel that in many cases, dumpees have a misconception that dumpers have it easy, they feel nothing, no remorse, and could get on life as if nothing ever happened. Sure, I feel some might feel that way but in many cases, they hurt too, very much so. But what you rather have, be duped, be strung along with the other that no longer loves you? And for the other to feel miserable and trapped? Everyone deserves true happiness and to be loved. Breakups are a part of life, unfortunately. However, pain can elicit growth and change.

Hey there, Well, if things have been this bad and it has only been a few months, then I do not see things getting any better. Relationships should not be this hard in the very beginning, actually, it is the most fun, uplifting, butterfly-feeling time. You cannot be perfect, no one is. And if she expects that, then she is off her rocker. Perhaps it is time to take a break from dating for awhile and get yourself back on track. The last girl you dated sounded she was full drama and put you through a lot. Time to treat yourself right and start feeling good about yourself again. If you don't, you will continue to attract girls whom treat you like dirt.

Hey there and welcome. I know in the past I have been taken for granted. I did everything, paid the bills, cleaned, laundry, brought in the cars for oil changes, shopping, everything. Plus, most of it was never appretiated. So in hindsight, I was being my ex's mother instead of being a girlfriend. Now, in your case, you are taking on a parent-role with your girlfriend and her son. You are not on equal footing. You are making things way too easy for her. And she has not being appretiative, so yes, I would have to say, you are being taken for granted. It is to the point where she expects it. And when people take others for granted, the other has no respect for him/her. Plus, you are placing expectations on her, you do nice things, you expect her to be nice back or do nice things and the more she is unappretiative, the more you give. You are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. A vicious cycle. So, next time she throws a fit like that, tell her you will not stand to be disrespected like that and walk away. I see you are making things way to easy for her and now she is walking all over you. Time to take a stand.

Hey there, I have heard from many sources that Valentine's Day is a made up holiday by Hallmark in order to make money between Christmas and Easter. I would have to say they have been extremely successful.

Hey there, Is this the same you have been dating the last few months? I am bit confused. You have posted about a woman whom you were supposed to marry.

Hey there BTR, I have been following your story from the sidelines. I am so happy for you and that little Benjamin is doing well. Actually, that name is on my list as a name if I had a son. I love that name. We were all in suspense about how things were for you and could not wait to hear how you are doing. I am so happy you both are safe. Thank you so much for checking in! Congratulations. ((((BIG HUGS))))

Awwwww, Riley is soooo cute!!! Don't feel horrible. You have to do two things... 1. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him his past behavior is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. 2. Get your pooch to some dog training. I wish you all the best.

It just goes to show that animals can be trained, can know right from wrong, but it is up to the owners to teach that and be consistant. To me it is no different than parents teaching their kids right from wrong, what is acceptable and what is not.

"I can clap my hands at them and they go to their room." Oh that is hilarious! I love kitties. hehe...

"...SO that disciplines this way" No way. My boyfriend has two kitties and he never lays a hand on them and they can be very bad. They had torn up his sweaters, destroyed some of his plants, tore up some of the mini blinds in the kitty room but he never laid a hand on them. Yes, they get scolded and when they are caught in the act, they get squirted with water and get "sent to their room" for a while. And their room is warm, has their pillows, food, water, toys, scratching post and litter box. They get time out a lot. But no force, no hitting, nothing like that.

"I hope everyone isn't getting me wrong here. He doesn't kick him or punch him upside the head or anything like that." True, he is not being that extreme but it still hurts you, it makes you uncomfortable and now Riley is acting like he has not in the past. That is something to keep in mind.

Hey there, Yes, I agree that he is abusing your doggie. The bottom line here is that your boyfriend's behavior is making you feel uncomfortable. It is hurting you. And now, your doggie snapped at you, a behavior that is very uncharacteristic of your dog. That speaks volumes. I do feel however your dog needs some training as well. Both dogs. I know PetSmart does doggie training. But I am not sure if it is free. It is worth checking into. I have a kitty and I love him like he is my kid. And if anyone touched him or mistreated him in anyway, he/she would be out the door. Cruelty to animals to me is HUGE RED FLAG!!!

Hey there, "If I spend too much time around her, I get the cold shoulder, but if I don't speak to her for a day or so she'll be right over to talk to me." This sounds like that old push/pull game. And that this what this is...a game. If you are not into games and want the real thing, my advise is to spend less time with her and keep your options open with other women. More times than not, a person has a very slim chance of having a successful relationship with someone whom likes the thrill of chasing, which this young lady likes to do. Send her a card if you wish but dealing with someone like her, I would not expect anything in return. You deserve more.