Slagar

Holy crap I think I need to see a councillor I thank you in advance, brave, patient, reader. My father has OCHD (Obsessive Compulsive Hoarding Disorder), which has made my family a bit screwed up, considering my mum just wanted a nice tidy house her whole life. He never let her/us have that. They would often fight because of this, and my mum would get very upset. My older brother would try to stand up to him, and that sometimes involved a physical fight which my brother never won. My Dad has always been quite authoritarian and controlling towards my mother and our family. She never said a word, for many years, and just did as he told her. He also swears a lot, with little or no reasoning. I grew up very quickly because of this (as did my siblings). We weren't allowed to joke around, because there was no "silly business" in our household. Somewhere along the line, my mum started fighting back, and she always ended up very very upset. My Dad was always the kind of person that would watch over you; he's a teacher. Not just a teacher, a widely respected lecturer, who, because he has a Masters degree and his wife is just a lowly "bean-stacker", is never wrong. Never. He is the man of the house, and what he says goes. You could feel his eyes watching you, judging you, even if it was something simple, like making a sandwhich... he'd tell you what you should be having on it, and you want to say "If I felt like having that on my sandwhich, I'd be having that"... but you've become wise enough to hold your peace. Seeing the fights, especially the ones that turned physical, shied me away from him (to put it mildly). One time, five years ago or so, I calmly looked him in the eyes as I was handing him the telephone; he was polite and wonderful to whoever was on the phone, as he always is to those he works with. After he got off the phone though, I got yelled at and screamed at. I was apparently trying to be a "big man" for looking at him that way. I quickly learnt my place, as has always been the way. I haven't seen my dad's face directly in... five years or so. I remember I used to be a very keen/skilled sports player, but he'd always swear and curse at me when I quietly let him know I what time my game was. Because of this, I quit playing sports. That made it even worse; for about two years he really had it in for me - I was simply trying to avoid the abuse. As the family conflicts worsened, and I had to be at home, I quickly found sustenance in my room, behind a closed door. This wasn't enough though, for the sounds of my mum crying or him physically abusing her were hard to escape. Fortunately for me, my older brother had a keen interest in computers, and my addiction to video games, and later the internet, was foretold. Through game immersion, the pain disolved, but did not disappear. Even though things weren't so bad all the time - him and my mother now get along okay most of the time, I can't help but feel like I've been a prisoner my whole life. It really didn't take long before I reached the point where I'd stay in my room whenever I was at home, and if he was home, I'd not leave my room at all. It became a bit of a sanctuary for me. I've kind of become dependant on computers. They've been my window to the outside world (or others while all this has gone on. My relationship with him has greatly affected my life, and I feel he's either completely caused, or played catalyst to many of the issues I've had to deal with in the last few years. I feel it's affected me a lot more than any of my siblings, who, mostly just accept him as he is, and say to eachother "oh well, Dad'll never change". I feel more like my personality and self have been squashed, or sculpted to conform to his ways. Thankfully, somehow I've managed to retain a little of my confidence and sanity throughout the years, I think through my part time job, friends, and things outside of home. Currently (and for a long time), I've never spoken to him unless spoken to first. Usually in a given day, we only exchange a bare few words; the simplest of greetings. Sometimes he tries to open the conversation more, but I will usually give the simplest reply possible, even if it is a lie. Or I will just tense up go silent completely. He thinks I don't talk much. I often get very nervous when in his presense, or if he speaks to me. Here's the thing: My mum has recently purchased another house; a nice house that my Dad isn't allowed to touch, which my older brother is currently renting from her. I could move in there. Away from him. We've been trying to convince my mum to move also, because he's destroying her. She's stubborn though, and has put up with it for 30-something years. It will kill her if she doesn't leave. She's a very fit lady, but she's currently having lung problems because of all the stress. Being the second to youngest child of five, I'm not sure if I want to leave without her. It's weird though. I kind of feel like... like a bug that's been in a jar it's whole life. The bug, when first caged, leapt for the opening of the jar. If it wasn't for the lid, the bug would have been free. Now, after a time, the lid is removed... but the bug no longer has the ability to jump out anymore. If you take the jar away completely, the bug might even long for captivity once again. I find myself scared to leave because I don't have a lot of life experience, or confidence. I'd feel somewhat lost and helpless without my "jar". Does that make any sense? It seems wrong, because it's an opportunity for freedom, and living like this is ruining my life too...

Nice Gecko Pretty abstract, and I like the words you use to continually paint pictures in my mind. Not exceedingly descriptive, which I think helps it flow nicely. A lot is going on in this piece. Good stuff

Hmm, the results of this thread interest me also I'm "friends" with two of my exs, as in, we're on good terms, and say hi when we see eachother (so no, not really) My most recent ex, well, I'm kind of undecided at this stage. I've put a lot of thought into it, but I'm still unsure... because, I could actually remain friends with her, just because of the nature of how things were with her. She's really a one-of-a-kind person too, and I like her. I certainly don't _love_ her anymore, but she's just not like a person I've ever met before. We still talk every day pretty much. But I am also aware that she's out meeting guys again, and I'm not quite sure if I should stick around to see how I feel when I see her with one of them. So I'd _like_ to be friends with her, but I'm a little scared of not moving on effectively, even though I feel largely "over" it, and enjoying single life. It's an intricate puzzle. I should perhaps post on this Oh, btw, I wasn't friends with any of them before going out with them.

Elektra! You're such a wicked person You always have a meaningful opinion and something useful to say to so many people that post here. So hang tight I have found that sometimes a physical "change" doesn't always help that much, whereas a change in attitude does one a world of good. Having a positive attitude is the most important above all I think. It's easy to say "yeah yeah, stay positive", but unless you well and truly commit to it in your mind, it won't last long. I've heard of something called the "seven day mental diet". Basically, the task is to go seven whole days without one negative thought. If you have a negative thought, you have to start over It's a book I think. Oh yep: link removed In anycase, it's not such an easy task. You really have to condition your mind. Once you can achieve this all the time, it really does change your life. It's worth it if you can do it. You rock Elektra, we all care about you

All I can suggest to the OP, is be as supportive as possible. Remember: you love her. Trust in your wife's words - as she says it was just fictional. Be supportive, talk to her, and be there for her. I know there are a million questions going through your mind at the moment too, but it'll make it easier on her if you just try to relax, and have faith in your wife. It's not easy, I know, but sometimes there are situations where you just have to trust in the one you really care about. Accept that this is one of those things that you can't really help with - she has to sort this out on her own. It sounds like your she has some weight on her shoulders; some issues that she really needs to sort out. So do your best to be there for her. She'll thank you for it in the end. And if it were to end sourly? I sincerely hope not, but at least you know you supported her, and did all you could for her in this difficult time. But I really feel that everything will be fine here. She was this way before you met her, and she can't change it. It doesn't mean she loves you any less. Trust her though. For what do we have if not trust?

IronLion, I don't think you did anything wrong. If a guy is bigger than you and possibly on the run, what can you *really* do? The only thing I can see is perhaps yes, you should've notified the police at the time - but you know that. Situations like these can often shock us at the time, and only afterwards do we really realise what has happened, and how we could've acted differently. Or sometimes, the best plan of action at the time, doesn't seem like it in hindsight. It happens to the best of us I think; it can take a little while to analyse all the facts, and have the information really sink in. That's just how it goes sometimes. I totally understand your feelings - it's easier just not to get involved in things like this. However, if you do have any useful information, even a simple description, perhaps you could let the police know. I work part time at a supermarket in a fairly rough area, and thieves often come and hit our store for sport. I've stopped a few in my time there, but in general if I tried to actually stop the majority of them, I'd probably be in hospital right now. It's not worth it. Citizen's arrest? I don't know if it exists here, and if it does, I'm still not willing to put my life at risk for a box of beer. Look after yourself IronLion

Thankyou for your thoughts guys, it's much appreciated as usual I know it's dangerous, but I wasn't clear on more than that. Shes2smart, that website is an excellent resource! Thankyou for the link. I'm doing more reading, and I will try to approach the situation from there somehow. I'd definitely say she has an eating disorder, but getting through to her in an unnoffensive way is difficult, and the last thing I want to do is come off as nagging and annoying, because it will just push her away. I might slip the questionnaire to her when she's finished her exams (soon), and in the holidays when I can actually be there for her. But that's not far away. Thanks for your time, as always

So I have this friend. She doesn't eat [solids]. If she does, it'll maybe be chocolate or something lol. She seems to live off liquids... water, tea, coffee, and sometimes soup. She claims she has a really slow metabolism. I know in the past she used to take some kind of dieting/weight-loss pills, and I sort of wonder if she still does. Any mention of an eating disorder, and she gets very offended... but talking to her, I know she's very scared of gaining weight. She doesn't like talking about it, and some of her best friends have given up trying to get her to eat, and just accept her "eating" habits. She looks thin, but she's not clearly anorexic, in my opinion anyway. I'm just wondering how detrimental something like this could be for her health? Long term? Are there any ways to get this through to her? Perhaps I'm wrong and this is just okay for her body type? I know she gets bad headaches for long periods sometimes, for which she takes painkillers, and she used to get quite regularly dizzy/fainty, but she doesn't seem to anymore. Anyone's experiences with these matters would be quite insightful I think. Thanks for your time and experience eNotalone members

I'm really sorry to hear about your story JJ I don't know of any good books that may help, unfortunately. But that girl sounds like a really low-life person. You're much better off without her. Some girls just know they can have their way with guys unfortunately, and they use this to their advantage to hurt us. If she ever grows up enough to realise what she's done, she won't be proud of it. Distance yourself from her, and use this hurt to make yourself stronger. Don't talk to her, even if you want to. Don't be her friend. It's her loss, not yours. Be the bigger person, and she'll realise what she's missing out on. Work out, get fit, and focus on your own life; school, work, hobbies etc. Don't worry, you will find a loving girl one day - who truly does care for you, and what you do for her. You will find someone that truly appreciates and deserves your love. It may take some time, but this is only the beginning of your life. Wishing you all the best. Hang in there

Thankyou for the kind reply, Sally. *sigh* I just want to be loved that's all, and no one seems to fit the bill >___ oh well, life goes on...

I've been out with all of about three girls. The first one left me after the first date (lol). The second one I went out with for nearly two years, before she started seeing someone else while she was still with me, and ended up leaving me for the other guy. Looking back, she wasn't all that nice of a person anyway, but still. The third girl, I treated the best of them all, as I truly thought she was worth it. For three months things were amazing. She was amazing. Then one day she just changed – she became cold and distant (supposedly due to past relationship baggage that was catching up with her). That went on for a month before I could take no more of the way she was treating me. What frustrates me so greatly about my latest relationship – in so many ways, that girl was exactly the kind of girl I wanted to be with. But her baggage just killed it. Also, I don't think she was entirely faithful during our time together - or at least I'm aware of things she did that most people in monogamous relationships would not consider appropriate. Still, I treated her with love and respect until the end. Now, I've treated women as best as I possibly can, because I know how nice it is to feel loved. I know how nice it feels when someone really goes out of their way for you. Nothing delights me more than knowing I've made that person I love happy. I've felt for some time that I've become quite happy within myself. I feel I am quite a complete person now – I feel I'm genuinely a nice person, yet confident in my abilities, and feel I have dealt with any issues that have held me back in the past. I've been told by many (including the girls I've been out with) that I'm a great catch. I'm just sick of being treated like a dog, and seeing friends that I know are good people also getting treated poorly (mostly guys funnily enough, because I know more females). My hope of ever meeting that special someone is just all but gone. It's not slowing my own life down, but it's still depressing. ](*,)

Thanks for the reply robowarrior After talking for a long time... she decided we're together But we're taking it extra slow so she can try and sort herself out as we go - so we're both very happy

Okay, so we're crazily in love... it's been 3.5 months... She has emotional baggage from past relationships. She wants to be alone to sort it out, as she feels she can't truly be with me until she's sorted it out. But we're still crazily in love! She doesn't want to be without me, yet if we're together even as "friends", we'll still be crazily in love, and want to hug and kiss and be with eachother. Yet she still doesn't want to be in a relationship with me!!! She still wants to be alone. It's driving us both barmy trying to sort it out! Any advice? ](*,) Lol, this post is so lost *shakes head in despair* I've tried giving her space, but it just resulted in us talking, because we both love eachother and miss eachother. Yet she STILL doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. What can we do? Lol.

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys, it's always appreciated It hurts, yeah, but I'm not too worried. It's happened before, for the same reasons. For now, I'll just focus on myself, and my own life goals. That's enough of women for me for a while. Maybe in a few years I'll find someone who is more ready for my love. I'm not too sure about the whole friends things, with her though... I'm in NC at the moment, and I'm liking it. I think I'll keep it that way, for now at least.

I'd been going out with this girl for a bit over 3 months. We were really close, and everything was amazing. Then, suddenly, about 2 weeks ago, she started acting weird. She hardly talked to me, or would keep me at a distance, or be a bit mean. I knew this wasn't her (or PMS lol), and that something was up. So last night, we got together, and she was still acting a bit hostile, but I was patient, because I really care about her. When we got back to her apartment, we started watching TV, and I gently told her that her actions were concerning me. She told me it was nothing, and that she'd get over it. So I turned off the TV, and we talked quietly some more, and she slowly but finally opened up to tell me what was wrong. She explained that she had been with a lot of guys before me, and many of them treated her very badly, and she'd just drift from one guy to the next, without a break in between (this I already knew). Since she had found me, I had made her happy like she'd never been before - I took care of her, and did romantic things for her, and I was always patient and loving towards her and her needs. But... she had a lot of baggage from her past, and she needed time to get through it. She said, the only reason she was so mad lately, was because, when we were talking about the relationship, and what we both wanted out of it, that I had said a couple of times that "friends just doesn't work" and that I'd basically remove the person from my life in all ways possible after a breakup. I let her know, that it depended on the circumstances, and how it ended. Anyway long story short, I loved her so much, that I had to let her go. Her happiness was/is what's most important to me, and she could only truly be happy once she had found inner peace. It's funny, because in those last few moments together, I was closer to her than I've ever been with anyone. We couldn't let eachother go. I've been with a few girls, and I felt she truly brought out the best in me, and is like no one else I've ever met before. She said the same about me. We never even fought, and she was always patient and caring and loving towards me too. It's funny though, it doesn't feel like a breakup. She said she didn't want me to keep my heart open for her, because she didn't know how long it'd take, or what would happen... and she narrowed it down to "she has to take a long vacation". I feel like I would happily wait for her. I need to focus on my life too, after all. Of course, I know logically that the chance it'll ever happen are slim, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and not keep my hopes up. We're friends for now though, and I can only hope she finds what she's looking for one day, with or without me

I'm afraid I can't agree with you there, syrix. You clearly love this guy, so I suggest sticking it out. At least for a while longer, anyway. There is more to life than sex, and you seem like you've found someone you're very happy with. However, I can see how this has put a block on the progression of the relationship. It's a curious problem, definitely. I think it must have something to do with him losing a testicle when he was younger, and perhaps some psychological issues related to that. I really think the only way for him to overcome this is through professional counselling. It's clearly a very unique and difficult issue, and judging by the past, he may lack the ability to overcome this himself. You are very close to him, but at the same time, that closeness, and that trust makes talking about these issues very difficult with you - like you say he becomes embarrassed or just shuts you out. This could be because he has strong feelings for you, and most likely doesn't want to hurt you, or scare you, or lose you. Whereas, a counsellor on the other hand is an outsider, so although entrusting these issues with a counsellor will be difficult for him (or anybody) at first, he's got nothing to lose by speaking to this person. Also this person will have the training and knowledge enough to truly be able to help. As for getting him to see someone, as I see it, your best bet is to sit him down, and talk with him. Be extremely gentle, and make sure you explain how much you care for him, and that this issue is causing you concern, and as a result is harming your relationship. The key to it is keeping it gentle - don't try to force him to talk if he won't talk. But if he listens, and understands how you feel upset over this issue, perhaps he will be more willing to seek help. I really hope you can work this out. Hang in there, and best of luck

Hmm, thankyou OceanEyes I think what you said is very fair advice - I'm not really *mad* per se, just disappointed. I really care about her, and she really is worth it. I'm just working myself up some. I don't see a fight coming out of this either, because it's not worth that. I care about her very much, and fighting gets you nowhere except both hurt and mad at eachother. She really is a lovely girl, and I think you might be right that she just didn't realise how important to me it was. Or at least, how important it turned out to be (honestly, beforehand I didn't know what to expect). I'll talk to her. Thanks again all

Hmm, thankyou. I know she wants the money, because she's living off her parents' money at the moment, so that's why she was really happy to get a job finally. But at the same time, I want to know that she really cares. Her gift was nice - she really put a lot of time into making a "friendship bracelet" (at least, that's what we call them over here - a tightly woven bracelet of different colours of string). But I guess I've just felt like she's been extremely blazé over the whole thing. She wasn't really interested in how it went, or what happened, or what people got me. I sort of hoped she'd have shared my excitement and happiness, but she didn't even ask about it. It just seemed like, where's the love? I've come to think, maybe she's more distant than I thought. I know she's given a lot in past relationships, and worked very hard, and then she's not been treated the same way. But I've treated her very well (I feel) since I've met her, and she's done a few nice things for me too... but it's just not quite... right. She was wondering why I seemed down when I saw her last, it's because of this. But yes, I should talk to her. I certainly won't be able to forget this for a long time.

So I'm still going out with the girl I met on an online dating site (reading is not really necessary, but ) We've been going out for about 3 months, and everything has been going fantastic. We haven't even fought yet, and we're always happy together ... recently (last 3 weeks or so) she's managed to get a part time job babysitting for a woman in her apartment building. My girlfriend was very happy, because she has been looking for a job for a long while. Her employer pays her pretty handsomely and is very pleased with the job she's doing, because she is great with the kids. Her employer loves it so much, that, after the first week or so, my girlfriend has ended up working nearly every evening. Anyway, on sunday it was my 21st birthday. So I had a party organised for the night before. I'd had it organised for quite some time, and a large number of my best friends and family were coming, many of which were keen to meet this girl I'm so very fond of. So the plan was, my girlfriend was going to come over early and help me/us set up. Well, we actually had to pick her up, because she didn't want to catch the bus... so that was okay, we offered after all, and that was fine. She had met my parents before anyway. She helped us put up some balloons and then her employer called on her mobile. You guessed it, she asked my girlfriend to work on the night of my 21st. What really surprised me, was my girlfriend said yes without a second thought. She helped set up some more balloons, and then we had to drop her home. The topic hasn't been discussed since, and she's not exhibited any guilt. For me, I've never really had a birthday party or anything before, and my family and friends all really came together that night for me. It was honestly the happiest night of my life, and I really felt people went way overboard to be there for me... but the whole time I really felt something was missing - the one I care about the most. Now it's holidays for me, and I've picked up a lot of work over the next few weeks. Last night she had the nerve to be annoyed at me for not having time to see her much over the next week or so. I find this quite hypocritical, because even if I wasn't working, she would be anyway! She told me she was a workaholic... but this really has me numbed. I don't want to start a fight, but I guess I should let her know my feelings. I feel she really let me down on this one. Really really. Perhaps I should conveniently have to work on her birthday? What's your take on all this?

Thankyou both, for taking the time to reply to my situation I think she's slowly realising these things. I *hope* it will be a short while before she blocks his number. I encourage her, but she merely says she will speak to his mother... Well, I'm working on it anyway. She copes alright, but not always... Thankyou for the input and advice!

My girlfriend used to go out with this guy... ever since she left him, he started acting suicidal. He took up smoking, drinking, and stopped leaving the house... he started starving himself, and doing harmful things to himself. His family and friends have tried to help, but he wouldn't listen to anyone, to the point where even his own family gave up on him, because he's just not willing to help himself. The thing is, it's been over a year and a half since the girl broke up with him... and she's moved on, or tried to at least (where I come in). But he hasn't. He still contacts her, and calls her, and is still very much hung up on her. He keeps threatening suicide and harming himself, and she's the only one that will listen to him. She's scared that if she simply just shuts him out completely, he will kill himself. She also believes that this is her fault, so she can't and won't stop talking to him. Putting myself in her shoes, I really don't blame her for still talking to him. It's really hurting and upsetting her. She should not have to put up with this. It's just not fair. But what can we do? He won't listen to anyone. If she stops talking to him, he could kill himself, and she doesn't want "his blood on her hands" as she puts it. If she continues to talk to him, it's going to continue to hurt and upset her. How can she get out of this? (I apologise if this doesn't make much sense, as I'm quite exhausted at the time of writing this).

Hehehe I like the club idea - Glad to see I'm not alone And thanks for the ideas tyler! Hmm... food for thought anyway. I'll play around with things, and see how things go I suppose...

I never have a problem with the work. The work is fine, often not difficult at all... It's just how I do things that causes the problems. I've tried making timetables, but they never work. It's just keeping in mind that I definitely have work to do, and doing it... and preventing things from piling up. I've done it before. I can't help but get distracted by other things though, which make me completely forget (girls/work). It's just been especially bad this year; breaking my knee really set the ball rolling. I've searched hard for the solution to this problem before and never found it; I really can't see myself finding it now either. I guess it all comes down to pure self discipline, which I just don't seem to be so good at.

I'm very angry at myself. My studies are going badly, AGAIN. It seems like there is always something to screw up my semester. I'm just angry because I really want to do this... I want to study, and actually get somewhere. Something always seems to go wrong though, and I know there is only myself to blame. In the past I've basically burnt out for a couple of reasons, so I took last semester off and worked full time. After re-evaluating things, I returned this year, with more determination to get it right. Then my ex left me, which unsettled things a fair bit, but gave me even more determination. So I took a paper over the summer, which went well. First semester starts, and lo and behold, a few weeks in I'm having trouble getting to my morning classes; mostly through bad habits. Things were alright though, until I broke my knee playing sport, requiring time off... after a week off (and a few days here and there for checkups), I came back to it (even though I'm meant to be resting my leg), but really far behind. While attempting to catch up, I met a girl... who is amazing... but things just go from bad to worse. I know studying requires huge discipline. I just get distracted so easily. I come home after a long day studying, and I know I've still got work to do... but I relax, have dinner, and get stuck into something else and can't unstick myself. I feel like my life is cluttered, and I can't seem to get things organised properly. Sometimes I wish I just lived alone, with nothing but a bed, a desk, and a chair. But life is so much more complicated than that. I feel like I'm always biting off more than I can chew; working part time and studying really takes a lot out of me. While trying to have a girlfriend and social life at the same time, time for myself just doesn't exist... and then I start neglecting things to make time for myself. How do other people do it? Why is it I can't just concentrate like other people? Maybe I'm just a horrendous procrastinator? One person in my class who I'm working with, he works FULL time, and manages to take three papers at the same time. Maybe I'm really just too lazy for studying? Maybe I should just give up, and find myself a job somewhere? I want to study, but I don't want to continue spending money, getting nowhere...

Thanks very much for the replies people I think it's true that the more women I meet, the more comfortable I'll become... I have been out of the dating scene for a long time (or rather, was with my ex for a long time), so I'm trying to find my feet again. I think one of the problems I've created with this girl, is I've gotten to know her well online beforehand... which creates tension, because it's a whole different ball game in person, even though we're the same people. I think I'll try to cut that out somewhat... because I'd rather get to know her in person. Speaking of which, we talked online until quite late. She realised that I was a little nervous, but didn't mind. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she likes me O_o ... but that will mean nothing unless I can get it together when we're in person. So I might still have a chance... I guess I have to follow Genie's words with "Beee yourself!" Thanks guys... I'll let you know how it pans out