confusedinnj

There are a lot of good opinions here, and I appreciate the input from all of you. Even though I hear every word and understand in my mind, it doesn't make the situation all that much easier to cope with. I thought about a lot of this and told her this morning that I am going to try to ease up a little bit, but I have a lot of questions. I am going to try, but I don't want to be in a situation where I am faking being not hurt or upset. Maybe I just need time to get over it? In the meantime, though, you are right that she needs counseling ASAP. A pastor is not an option, because we are both very un-religious. It is very difficult for me to offer my support at this time because of how I'm currently feeling.

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I would like to hear if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Also, is the female perspective any different? (Sorry, Anna, I gues we posted at the same time - I didn't see your reply until after I submitted this).

This is kind of an involved story, but I'll try to be brief. My wife and I have been married four years, mostly very happy. Over the past 6 months or so, my wife has been a little moodier than usual. Last week, she starts talking about depression, and that we may need marriage couseling (seemingly out of the blue). Then, the next day, she told me that she realizes that we don't need marriage counseling, but she has occcasional thoughts of suicide. She told me that she was thinking of going to a therapist, and I agreed. (By the way, several others in her family are on meds or are in therapy.) Concerned for her health, I decide to look in her notebooks that she keeps in her nightstand, sort of like diaries. She has always said that these things were private, and would often close them quickly if she was writing when I entered the room. I was afraid that I was going to see stories about hating life, suicide, etc. Imagine my shock when I began reading and did NOT find tales of depression, but page after page of fantasies about her supervisor at work (a woman, by the way- my wife dated both men and women before we were married). Some of these were pure fiction, but obviously based around their work environment. These were written in the third person. Other stories were written in the first person, and described in detail the "crush" that she has on the supervisor, how nervous she feels around her, wondering what her chances are, etc. Some of these pages were written as recently as last week, others up to about 6 months ago. So, I confronted my wife with this. She was upset that I read the notebooks, but not nearly as upset as I am. She insisted that she loves me and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. She also says that everything she wrote was just fictional, and doesn't mean anything about how she really feels. She also said that if she had cheated on me or was planning to, she would tell me at this point since everything is out in the open. I am having a really tough time swallowing this. She has made an appointment with a therapist (four weeks from now), but I am having a tough time being in the same room as her. Today, we didn't exchange a single word with each other. I'd like a little perspective on this. Am I blowing things out of proportion? I get nauseous just thinking about it. I love my wife, but don't know what to do or say.