beagle

To be honest it doesn't sound like you're in too much trouble? It seems to me that you just have very high standards and expectations, oddly enough imposed by yourself. Can you say why study and grades are so important to you? As a former academic "prodigy" myself, you should know that once you get to university people rarely care about your academic record. True achievement is measured on different scales there and having a successful university career is not linked to the grades you entered with. There are plenty of people out there (many you'll meet at uni) who are academically better than you. You will find many of these people have no life outside of study to talk about. University is about getting a good degree, making the friends who will be with you forever and educating yourself in a broader sense through participating in the largest student body you will have come accross so far in your life. Don't miss it!

If she is friends with you, she will understand that you cannot put your life on hold for her. You're ready to commit, she isn't - bad timing. All you can say is that you really like her and would like to go out with her. She has chosen not to commit. Your choice is to deal with it and continue life (with your cards on the table) - make no mistake, you're not in a relationship with her - if someone else comes around the corner, then be happy for yourself. This girl will have missed the boat and that's the long and short of it. Who really believes they can have their cake and eat it?

Yup - I agree with the rest of the guys Try and find something she's really into (even better if you share it) - people love to talk about stuff they're passionate about Conversations with new people always start off awkwardly - shouldn't imagine that you have nothing in common whatsover!

Hi Allan Sounds like you're in a really bad way. In a sense you're ahead of the game in that at least you acknowledge your failings. Your wife is in a really tough place right now and I think you need to recognise this. DO NOT ASSUME THAT THIS IS JUST IMPULSIVE COS NOT TAKING HER AND WHAT SHE SAYS SERIOUSLY IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW. It sounds like years of frustration and disillusionment have finally bubbled up. She feels that things have gone too far already and will not accept being pressurised to stay together. If you seriously love her (and are not just scared to lose), the most you can ask for is time. Acknowledge her right to be frustrated and annoyed and agree to give her as much space as she needs in return for her taking some more time to think. Explain to her your position and give specifics on what you would do to change - vague promises are meaningless. Try and remember what brought you together and what you both still enjoy or even something that you've both always wanted to do together and revive or do it - things will need to change longterm but a kickstart might help. At the end of the day though, it is now her choice - you need to prepare yourself for the worst. Best wishes

Err, I don't think anything's wrong with you there Cid. Asking someone out is tought enough (fear of rejection, etc, etc) WITHOUT having an audience. Don't worry - sounds like it will wait and that things are going well. Maybe next time choose somewhere more private!! Good luck

I think that it's inevitable in this day and age to regret and reminisce. This is especially the case if you dumped them. The problem is that within relationships we seem to lose all sense of perspective. Why is it we only know a good thing once it's gone? The last half century above all else has seen the birth of generations of people who hold a defining belief: "The grass is always greener on the other side" and "It can be better". Whilst this is cool when it comes to technological progress, medical advances, etc, it is an APPALLING attitude to take to relationships. As soon as a relationship hits a less than satisfactory period, more and more people bail - "life is too short" they say, "love shouldn't be so difficult". Our grandparents lived in an age of realism, love was about commitment and commitment meant taking the rough with the smooth - on balance they are happier than the disaffected legions of singles wandering the plant today. Why do we regret? Because we always suspect that there was more that we could have done but didn't. Why regret something that failed despite our best efforts. Some things are destined never to work; others were given up upon. i only regret the latter. Our generation is odd - it is the generation of Dawson's Creek, where everything is talked to death and not enough is simply felt. Any thoughts?

I wrote a while ago to say that my longterm relationship was falling apart (not my choice). My girlfriend had said that she just didn't feel the attraction anymore and wanted more independence. She also said she had feelings for this other guy. Well after everything including counselling I had to concede that we should break up just so that we could salvage our friendship. We are really close and I could never be without her friendship at least although I wanted more. Well, recently we went to the US for two weeks. I had booked this because I thought that it could really help to have fun and start enjoying life together again - even when we broke up I insisted that we go if only as travel companions. We had a fab time - halfway through we found ourselves in the shower together and kissed but she freaked out and I thought that even our friendship was lost. She made the first move by the way - I wouldn't have dared jeopardise our friendship. The last couple of days in San Francisco were perfect - we had the best time and oddly sexual tension was just racking up. On the last night (and morning) we just gave in and had the best sex. Since we've gotten back we can't seem to let "San Francisco" go and have barely been able to keep our hands off each other. It's so weird. She now admits that she is still attracted me but says she would still like to experience more independence. Since we've been away, it also turns out that the "other guy" royally stabbed her in the back and has turned out to be a real jerk. I don't know what it all means - I love her loads and it seems that a certain amount of spark has returned but does it mean that I should try again with her or should I give her more independence and we should stay separated for longer? Help!

Tough one. You can't stop her going so scratch that idea. It's not within your right and would only drive her away. Seems she has been amazingly honest with you. Take that as a good sign? She knows how you feel or certainly should do. Trust that she cares enough about you to stay true. If after all of this, she cheats on you then frankly the way she will have treated you shows that she doesn't care for you at all or that she has no willpower whatsoever. She will have walked all over your feelings. Seems like you love her. If she does too then she won't jeopardise the relationship. If she doesn't then you know. Difficult as it is you have to trust her and if it doesn't work out, could it ever have been meant to be?

You're not a wimp - a broken heart is difficult to mend. Take you time, find a focus and crack on. In truth I think that the only way to fully get over someone is to meet someone else who makes you forget it all. But in the meantime, if you don't feel up to seeing her yet then don't. If you don't ever want to see her again, then don't. What's there to prove? I often wonder why people say that you're never over someone unless you can see them again without letting it affect you as if it is the ultimate test of a mended heart. The truth is that people who touch our hearts are never forgotten and we carry echoes of them around with us forever. It becomes part of who we are. If someone has broken your heart then it is not wrong not to want to see them; it is in our nature to avoid pain. Forgiveness only comes with time. And like I say, it's certainly makes it easy if you've found someone else.

Be sensitive - family breakdowns throw up all sorts of unpredictable stuff, so it's hard to play it by ear but that's what you'll have to do. Don't let it stop you asking her out. In the circumstances she might be thankful for any distraction, in which case make sure that she has a good time! Don't bring it up unless she does in which case do exactly as you said that you would and just offer your shoulder - she will appreciate this comfort no end. On a side note, personally I would not tell her that you loved her on the first date. That would freak most people out, even without taking into account the fact that the divorce has probably shattered some perceptions of 'love'. Don't say it but do show it huh? Good luck

It's not wrong... unless you end up preferring it to the real thing with your new BF! Sounds like you're really attracted to him. Masturbation is not wrong but if you're both consenting adults then why play alone??

If you want the truth, it does sound like classic flirting behaviour. If she does it to everyone then that's fine, she's just a flirty personality. If not, then I guess you may be the object of her affection. You don't have to do anything - it's always nice to be liked. But don't mess her around or ever give her the wrong idea if you're not interested. Eventually she'll get the picture - if she doesn't she'll need to be told huh? If you're at all friendly with her, you might tell her that you like another girl and ask her for advice - that'll certainly spell things out.

Got to agree that in person is better... it's more sincere for a start. But I don't really know you so it's your choice - maybe you feel you could do a better job over the phone? Whatever though, and however you feel you have to do it, ask the girl! good luck

I would go with the herd here. Nothing that's happened since you broke up indicates that she still thinks of you that way or wants to get back together. I know it really sucks but I think you really do deserve better - this doesn't sound like love.

I agree with dfcannon. As the older guy, he is bound to be insecure which is understandable. He's going out with an 18 year old girl who has arguably yet to experience the best that life can offer. This may well be the real thing for you both but you both admit that university may change everything for example. thereforeeee I think you may be wrong - I think age may be a factor for him. Your particular age gap is particuarly pertinent - you are about to go to university and be surrounded with more people of your level, experience and age than you will ever have known in the past. He will know that in the circumstances, you are more likely to stray than him. So ironically all he can do is use his older age to stay suitably detached - no one wants to set themselves up for a fall. Be positive though - if you really want this to work, talk it out with him. Find out just how committed you both are and make sure that the other is 100% aware of it! Security comes from understanding where you each are.

It's just playing with semantics here really. Technically he hasn't lied unless you asked him if his ex-girlfriend would be there and he said no. That doesn't disguise the fact that he may have been better off telling you upfront of course. That was his choice whether it was to protect you or himself, who knows - he wasn't completely honest but stopped short of lying to you. Frankly, it's irrelevant - it's how you feel about it that matters. If that kind of thing bothers you then tell him and establish the 'ground rules' that you would rather know than not. But first be sure that's what you want!! Some relationships really can be TOO honest and open and you could be hurt in the way that he wanted to protect you from. Basically do you trust him to make those choices himself?

Carbine is right. People deal with grief and pain in different ways - it's not for others to say that you're heartless. You know you care. Personally, I'm incredibly detached I guess - I haven't shed a tear for nearly a decade but I can remember the last time I did, it just burst out as everything caught up with me. Recently, I came through cancer and thought absolutely nothing of it - it was like it happened to someone else. I acknowledge that I probably need help expressing my feelings - but no one can say I don't care.

I agree - I think you will both have to try and work this out first. If you tell him that part of you tells you that you want to leave, he'll listen. Then it's up to both of you to resolve this. It sounds like it is also up to you to figure out what you really want in life - the current situation is clearly not good and you need to commit to one path or the other. Don't make any mistake about it though - you should only be sure before you leave him if you're not sure. There's no guarantee that what you walk away from will still be there if you decide to come back - people don't switch on and off like that.

Don't panic - I never said that you're wrong. What I said was that someone who was depressed might think differently - it's difficult to be rational or keep a sense of perspective. Sounds like some digging you're going to have to ask him to work with you to sort things out. If he wants to get better and he loves you then he'll try for you. If he doesn't then maybe there's more to your suspicions than you thought - be understanding but don't be a doormat! best of luck

Hey there To give you a bit of hope I am currently working through something similar with my long term girlfriend and it's going alright. Basically it's time for total reassessment - talk about what brought you together, what you feel for each other now (positive and negative), talk about whether you would give it a chance and talk about how things have changed and can be changed. Women who have a baby for example often fall into disillusionment by being seemingly trapped by motherhood and the end of the "romantic stage" of their lives as a result - in very serious cases, you may even be looking at post-natal depression. You knew her well before all this - who is she and what does she want? Has she been achieving any of these or has her life become one where she feels trapped and no able to do the things she has always wanted? If you decide that there is something still to fight for then do it; do all you can do - that's what people in love do and I would not expect you give up. Plus you do have a child to worry about too. As an example my girlfriend and I were fantastically close - we shared the same dreams, goals, etc and we made each other laugh - then I fell ill for a year and half - cancer. It brought us closer in one sense but equally put our relationship on an entirely different footing. When I pulled through my girlfriend eventually told me the same thing your wife told you. We talked for ages and seemed there was nothing to do and I was frustrated by her refusal to engage and actively do something to stay together. After our first counselling session I spent a while looking at the relationship and myself. Before we went stagnant we shared so many dreams, they were then put on hold for ages and when I pulled through although I thought I had regained a thirst for life, it turned out I was just plodding along still. We were in rut. Both of us were confused. But I still knew her - her dreams were the still the ones I had shared - so I'm doing it now - I'm making both our dreams come true. Almost forcing ourselves but they're things we've always wanted to do (see the Grand Canyon, take up snowboarding, etc). It doesn't require her to commit to anything, both of us are just having a swell time and having fun - but importantly enjoying each other's company again and we're rediscovering some of the things that brought us together in the first place. Things are certainly a lot more light-hearted and we seem to be on the right track - where we would have been if we had not fallen into a rut. I wish you all the best - it's tough. Try to talk to her - try to do the things you know you both always wanted - make her feel special and if she remembers even a twinge of what she used to feel then you stand a chance. Life has a habit of going flat, so try and find a way to feel alive together again. You both have a child now but far from cramping your style, you need to demonstrate that it won't - in fact it could be the thing that holds you together the most.

....well, yeah?! If anything he's waiting for your call, he was the one who called you first remember? Presumably you didn't tell him you were having surgery so I wouldn't be surprised if he thought you weren't interested. So let him know otherwise - what's the worst than can happen? We guys are a bit like that you know - I wouldn't call again - already been blown off once so I'd seem desperate frankly...

Yup - sure sounds like depression. Still at least he has been diagnosed - is he on a treatment program? I see that you have both been talking a lot but I wonder if important things have been explored such as events which may be at the root of the depression. Dealing with a depressed personality takes immense patience and understanding - you gotta talk without needing the conversation to go your way, listen without pressurizing... it's tough. But if you love him then you gotta help him through it. From what you described it sounds like you also have issues between you both too - this holiday thing sounds like an issue - I know that if I was in the throes of a depression and was told by my doc not to go on holiday, I would feel a bit miffed if my girlfriend went anyway. Feelings of abandonment and loss of respect and trust would be expected - have these been allowed to sour the relationship you once had? best of luck

Heartbreak - I really feel for you. You have really been through the wars on this one - and I thought I was in trouble! It sounds like you know what to do but realise how painful it's going to be. I would implore you to have courage. A broken heart is mended with time and the kindness and consideration of other people. Though it feels like hell, you realise that you have to get out now. It sounds like you have a really special heart so give it to someone who deserves it. You spread your dreams at the feet of this guy and he has trodden all over it, others will tread carefully and one day someone great will enbrace your dreams as his own. It happens. Be happy. Beagle

Deedee - you cannot keep those intense "in love" feelings forever. To believe you can is not realistic. Relationships need working on or else they slip into a rut. They become so comfortable and so nice and cosy - it becomes effortless. Wrong. Part of the problem is very much the fact that both parties can stop making enough effort. And then life becomes very same-ish. Don't be disillusioned. The past is not for recreating. It's your future you need to focus on. You have already made the biggest decision - you love him. Well go get him and give with all your heart - the rewards will amaze you. Get out of the rut.

I have the same problem as you friend. I dealt with it by working around it a bit - like you I'm perfectly eloquent and funny provided I don't speak to people directly. So often I would just make a shrewd/funny/funny comment aloud but within hearing distance of the person. I can talk to myself can't I?!? Say you're stuck in a queue at the post office and the girl in front of you catches your eye. You could just look around in general and make a comment such as "Just as well I'm not in a hurry!". Say it confidently as if you are sharing something amusing with the world. This invites anyone within earshot to join in 'the joke' and breaks the ice. She may catch your eye and say "I've already been here for 20 minutes" and then you're in. She has started the conversation, not you. If no one responds to you, who cares? You'll just be the enigmatic good looking guy who had a sense of humour. She might even regret not speaking to you that time...