joeshmoe

I'm jumping on board as well....same as you guys! it's actually kind of fun realizing how many weekends you "wasted" doing the stuff she wanted to do, just to try & make her happy....like you said: "selfish, here I come"

Hmmmm...not sure, if she said no I'd probably just ask for her number, and think that she's not "that kind" of girl. I guess the thing is, I wouldn't persist...I guess that if I felt like I tricked her into thinking that I truly liked her, I might feel like she did it because she thought I would be around later, and that we might have a relationship...so maybe I'd think she was more dateable/had higher standards. ...really good question, though...I'm not sure I can give a good answer on it

well, I guess i'm just so damn hot that they throw themselves at me!...no, no...i'm kidding... first off, I'm not a huge man- , this is not a weekly occurrence...the sleeping together part just comes naturally (or alcohol is involved) if it's gonna happen...go for a kiss, and if she is very receptive, then things naturally progress until she stops it, or I get the feeling all she wants to do is kiss or make out...so in that sense, yeah, I guess I am the initiator, to a degree...but their hands can move around just like mine can, and things happen... If they go back to my place after several drinks and a couple shots...yeah, it's kind of expected at that point. What would anyone expect? The double standard thing is, as i stated earlier, not very logical. Also, i stated previously, that it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for sure, if there was real chemistry between us, and I felt like we could be compatible... No, I do not think a woman is "worth" dating simply because she wants to be chased. I am sick of girls/women that want to be chased, it's all a stupid game, and I don't get it. If you like me, don't play hard to get, and if I like you, I won't either...to me, it's more than wanting to be chased. If a girl/woman has a set of values that I feel would make her a good long term girlfriend, that set of values will not include sleeping w/ someone on the first date, if she doesn't have that set of values and wants to "hit it" on the first date, I'll take it for what it is, and be thankful for it.

damn, that's not fair at all....have you actually asked her to alternate? I obviously don't know her, but maybe she would if you actually asked? other than that, maybe you can just beat up the new guy, so he'll be scared to be around you! (sarcasm, kinda...)

start looking for a job. If you find something that suits you, you can either move on, or tell them you're going to leave, and tell them honestly why & If they want to keep you around, they will offer you some more money, and maybe attitudes will change...then you can decide whether to stay or not. It's not your responsibility to find someone to fill your shoes when you leave. That's their problem. My dad has always told me "even though you might be working for a company, you are always working for yourself"

believe me, I know it's not fair for us guys to hold this double standard. From a logical standpoint, it makes no sense at all....but from my (somewhat insecure, maybe) emotional standpoint...I think that's where it comes from...Guys want to feel like they are the "ONE" for that girl, even though they won't admit it all the time...and if they're just "another one" they don't want the relationship, just the sex. ...just my take on things, other guys may not agree.

I'll be the first to admit that to me, it's a double standard. But I have no problems with someone thinking that I am not a "good-guy" to date...I guess that will only come about if we both "put-out" on the first date, because I can't put out without a willing partner. And I never would pressure someone into anything, that's not my way. I know it sounds awful, but I am being honest here...so basically if it is obvious that I'm gonna "get some" that night, I'll take advantage of that, I am human, male, and I am a pretty sexual person. I guess if the girl doesn't respect herself enough to wait a few dates and get to know me, then I am not going to respect her as much, because she is not respectful of herself, and she doesn't require respect from someone to have her. I'd also like to say, for the record, that first date/casual sex is waaaay overrated, it's fun while you're doing it, but it is unfulfilling. Making love is MUCH MUCH more worthwhile...so far, I've only made love to one person.

If there was a real good connection, I probably wouldn't just write her off, but it still would be a red flag to me, first off...if she did this with me, how many others has she done this with? I generally start off a date treating them the same, yes...but if she winds up saying "let's go to the bar & take some shots" ...well, then it's game on. haha... I normally would not expect, or "try" to have sex the first date...in fact, I am casually dating 3 girls right now, one put out on the first date, so we've had a couple more "dates" that consisted of drinking, then my place... One girl is more down to earth, and more like a friend right now, but she's nice, and I'd like to see where that goes, but I haven't done more than a quick kiss w/ her (we've gone out 3 times now) The 3rd girl lives far away, & is a friend of a friend, so we sort of knew each other before & she's going thru a divorce as well as myself, so we've had some long phone conversations & hung out together for a couple weekends at a time & I really think I like her, but just don't want to go too fast because I don't want to hurt her. Okay, sorry for the novel, but I guess ultimately it just comes down to the person, and for me, morals are a big deal (yes, I know I'm hyppocritical)

My thoughts are: If a girl gives it up on the first date, she is not relationship/marriage material, unless, like was said before, you had been friends for a while before dating. I'll be the first to admit that for me, it is a double standard, I don't feel like I lower myself at all by doing it, but I will look down a little on a girl for doing it. I know it's not right, but if I have sex with someone on the first date, she gets put into the booty call category, or friends with benefits at best. EDIT: maybe one day, i'll have sex on the first date becase there is great chemistry & a real connection forms on the first date & then I wouldn't hold it against her...could happen

Very true! it's just the world's way of messing with your head!

like others said before, if it's just a generic download, you shouldn't be too concerned. I, being a guy like to look at porn too...it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, or he finds you unattractive or anything like that. It really doesn't. Men just like to look, period. Women have their paperback romance novels, and men have nudie magazines...

Well here's my update (if anyone cares) Lately, I have been keeping very busy since my wife left, and I feel like I am starting to fall back into some sort of "normal" routine with myself (actually getting enough sleep, making actual meals for myself instead of microwave burritos and frozen pizza, I've starteed working out a little again, etc.) ...and I truly feel like I don't need another woman in my life right now...at first, I was looking for booty-calls, etc...got a couple in there in the first couple weeks, but they really do feel hollow, call me old-fashioned, but sex without any attachment really isn't that much fun... Thank God for my great supportive family & close friends, I feel closer to all of them than I have in some time. I also have started re-finding my hobbies that were put on the back burner during marriage & I am realizing now how much of myself I gave up to try and be the "perfect husband" (which, by the way, is part of what drove her away) I now know that in my next relationship, I will not put my fun/passions on hold for the significant other...If they fell for me because of those passions, then I need to keep them! Over the weekend, i went dirtbike riding, and stayed later than I normally would have, and I pushed myself harder, took some bigger risks and jumped higher/further than I have in years (I always tried to be home in time to spend time w/ her & return in one piece) It was a real great day of riding with my good friend... Almost liberating & it helped me let go & realize that I am only responsible for myself now. I've been thinking about getting a dog, too for some company, as I am sure I'll be living alone for at least several years, so that would be a good distraction & a new companion...anyone else done this? Thanks also to this website, I am a "man's man" type of guy, but it sure is nice to be able to let out some feelings without feeling like people will call you a sissy!

coming from a mid 20's guy on the rebound himself: RUN GIRL, RUN!

Hmmmm....that's a bit scary

avoid Indian food at all costs!!! ...I wrecked my ex with that one...now she's got a bad mental block about it...bummer for the next guy!

I'd have to agree with Saltwatergirl... My (soon to be ex) wife did/is doing the exact same thing. One of the very first things she said was that she didn't want me out of her life, and she wanted to remain friends. NO WAY...I flat out told her that I cannot stand here while she goes to see if the grass is greener somewhere else, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be taken for granted like that. And, no...I cannot be your friend. I asked her "you've never worried about me cheating, have you?" and she said no. She knew that I was totally dedicated to her & was ready to use that to her advantage, which is terrible. Definitely NOT what a marriage or serious relationship is all about... This was one of the very first times that I really stood up for myself with her...although it was too late (she decided she wants a stand-up type of guy) I learned that I'm stronger than I thought, and I showed her that I will not be a doormat. ...by the way, we met when she was 19, she's now 24...similar story, for sure .....don't be a doormat.

...should have clarified that...I have made it clear that im not looking for a relationship, and so has she...I'm not out to hurt people, just looking for fun (as safely as possible, too)

Okay, so my wife has been moved out for about a month, with about a month of no sex before that...I'm ready to explode! so I've met a girl and we had sex last week, she's just ended a relationship recently, too... What do you all think about having a friend w/ benefits so soon after a breakup/divorce as a crutch to help ease the pain? I am physically attracted, but I must admit, no real connection... opinions??

if he's just looking to hook-up, he probably wouldn't call you the next day. Typically, if guys are just looking for "fun" they'll string you along a little, not call for a couple days & generally be unavailable, unless it's convenient for them.

well, I hope I am not screwing myself up too bad, because we agreed that hopefully we can just go through a mediator & not use attorneys. we are going to look into annullment, also...but i'm not confident we can go that route. I am going to buy her out of her part of the house, and will be struggling to keep it, but if I can salvage the house, at least I won't come out of this empty handed. I already told her that I wanted to keep the house, and we have been cordial so far...we're meeting today to try and figure out who wants what, etc. I certainly do NOT plan on being generous, but don't plan on being spiteful, either...

well, the wife has been staying at a friends house for almost a month, and we are meeting tonight to go over who wants to get what, who gets what car, etc....I'm sure that will be fun. I cannot believe this is happening still. I really thought that she needed some space, then she'd come back...but she is so cold & just flat doesn't care...she says she is sorry, but absolutely refuses to do counseling, etc... She says she needs to be on her own & live her life (we both moved out of our parent's houses into our house)...I wish she would of thought about that BEFORE marriage. I never thought she would take the vows so lightly. anyways, thre's my venting...it's over & overall I've done good, keeping busy with projects & work....but I know one day, it's all gonna hit me like a ton of bricks.

I certainly hope you make (or already made) the call...there are a lot of people here pulling for you, and you TRULY DESERVE BETTER. You CAN find someone that will love you the way you are supposed to be loved, and you can move on. You have the power to make your life what you want it to be, both for you and your children. He makes you feel powerless, but you are not. He is NOT a good father. A good father does not beat on his children's mother. The kids will figure out what is going on, and if you stay, they will believe that that is the way it is supposed to be. Think of your baby Chloe...what about when she's old enough to understand what's going on? Do you want her to think that being beaten by her husband is normal? Please make the call. there are people here from many countries pulling for you. take care. -Brandon-

first off, you don't need to apologize for "blabbering"...your story made my heart sink...I am truly sorry. You need to take your kids & leave. There really is no other choice. Nobody deserves to be treated like you are being treated. You have a skill that you can get a job with, so you should use it. you are still young, and can find someone after you heal & take care of yourself that will treat you with love & respect. I was told by a friend that helped a beaten friend that the salvation army can help move people & their kids...without leaving a big "trail" to follow. You should look into that. I know it's hard, and I know you probably love your husband, but he truly sounds like an animal and you are not going to change him. There are a LOT of men out there that can give you a lot more love & real affection that you deserve... have things escalated through the years as far as violence? you do realize that you could send him to jail for a long time for Raping you at gunpoint, right? It does NOT matter that he is your husband. He RAPED you. again, I am truly sorry for what you have gone through...but only you can stop this from happening again. You must leave, and never contact him again, just disappear. That is your chance & your children's chance at a normal life. ...please keep us informed. -Brandon-

HI, I live in the suburbs of the "ultimate armpit" you call LA. Dude, you need to get a clue, there are a-holes wherever you go, and you better get used to it, because you sure aren't going to change the world.... There are also GOOD people wherever you go. You just need to talk to them & find out what they're really all about. What's wrong with driving a fast car? its fun...what's wrong with getting "wasted at a party"? nothing, that also can be stress relief. It seems that you have a serious chip on your shoulder against the whole world, or at least California. If you're walking around pissed off & angry, nobody is going to talk to you, let alone wanna have sex with you. (maybe my perception of you is wrong, and if it is, I apologize) I used to be the sullen, angry guy that wore the odd clothes just to not be one of "them"...a non-conformist....but ya know what? there's just as many non-conformist types that dress normally, drive decent cars & blend in a little bit. And I am one of them! I have met many great, real, unpretentios people in the last few years. You have to get rid of the bad attitude, first though. ...and if sex is what you want, you can't just play guitar...you need to be in a band...one that plays what the majority of girls will like.

yep, it's in your head. The first time I got with my (soon to be ex) wife, I was very nervous, and wanted to impress her...too many thoughts running thru your mind impedes bloodflow down south apparently! seriously, have a couple (or six) drinks & loosen up, realize that you might not knock her socks off, (maybe you go downtown on her first to make sure she gets hers) and go from there. Once you get over the hurdle, I'm sure you will be good to go!...most of all, try to have fun w/ it & not think too much. by the way: if taking care of yourself everyday ruined us guys for sex, the human poulation would be doomed!