amb1873

I keep in touch with two of my exes via email and it's actually very nice. I think this is only possible when the BOTH of you have moved on and realize that the relationship was not meant to be. I'm having a hard time right now because I'm trying to speed up the time to get over him in order to be his friend and it's just not working. Either you can or you can't- but if it makes you feel weird or awkward or hurts you in any way then by all means look out for #1. You don't owe her a friendship but there are benefits to being friends with people you have let into your life before.

It doesn't sting and I do realize now more than ever that NC is the only way I can move on from this. Does anyone have a similar situation to me in that they have common friends and how do they deal with invitations in which the ex is also invited? I know, people say, hold your chin up, act tough and just go and be the bigger person and pretend it doesn't bother you. However, it DOES bother me and seeing him only puts me right back here all over again. As he has already accepted we are over and done with and has moved on, he has explicitly stated to me that he would be ok if I showed up to these functions. However, I have explicitly stated that I could not handle it. Do I just have to bow out gracefully each time a situation like this comes up? That is the hardest part- not only did I lose him but I feel like I am losing other friendships in the process because he is strong enough to still see me and I'm not strong enough to be around him while I am enforcing NC and trying to move on. Worst part of it is he met every single one of these friends through me....

I liked this because as much as I love my ex and wish I could keep him in my life and be his friend (especially since it would be easier on our mutual friends) I have to look out for number one right now and be selfish and realize that I am the most important person in my life and if it's going to hurt me to hang out with him then why would I want to do that?!

At the time when I cheated, things were not good. We fought, I felt like he belittled me in front of our friends, he yelled at me in an almost verbally abusive way, he'd go out of town on trips and not call me for days, he'd never make time to see me, etc. etc. I got drunk and cheated on him with an ex-boyfriend. I am not condoning my behavior! Trust me on this one! However, I did not tell him immediately about it at the advice of all of my friends and people who knew him because they said that is his cardinal rule- you will be over. However, as time progressed we began to work out our anger issues, addressed the way he made me feel and the not calling, etc. It got a lot better and I fell in love with him- which, in turn, made me realize I owed him the truth. That night we broke up, since then he has tried to get back together with me twice and has both times broken up with me again. I realize that is the cardinal sin and we cannot be together- (however I do have to disagree that I might be able to forgive someone for that but I am more forgiving than most people)- my question was HOW do you actually go about doing it. We spoke last night and he is so kind to me, so concerned about how I'm doing, freely admits to wishing we could be together but knowing that it is "impossible" and that we've hurt each other too much now. I think I finally realize that it's done, and over, but I just don't know how to move on. Also, how do you move on from someone you have to see on a fairly consistent basis? What are some strategies to dealing with that? He is in my group of friends so although I try to cut him out of my life completely and move on, we've run into each other, his roommate is on my kickball team, he is still on mass emails that are sent out, I still hear stories about him and we'll be invited to the same parties many of times. I think if I never had to see him again it would be a lot easier because I might forget how special he is and how special we grew to be together but I don't want to be stuck back here running in my hamster wheel starting all over again at square one each time I have to see him. Is it rude to just leave if he shows up somewhere I am? Will my friends understand if I say no to things that he is invited to as well? I don't want to change my entire life but the chemistry between us and the friendship grew to such an extreme- it would be like torture to continue to see him. Many of my friends don't understand that and say I "should" be able to be friends and all hang out together and make it less awkward for people but I just can't do it- I will never move on. And, it's upsetting because yes, I cheated on him, but he continuously hurt me since then by getting back together with me, telling me about all of the other girls that want to be with him and he's slept with, then breaking up with me again and telling me he no longer loves me- this has happened three times! But no matter what- our friends just see it as me breaking his heart and don't see how much pain he has put me through since then. I realize I made a mistake and I will NEVER do it again but I'm just so scared and unsure I'll find anyone else that I will be that attracted to and that compatible with and everything that he is! I just wish there was a day by day list to get me through this. I am very good at following directions

How do you really get over someone that you can find nothing wrong with? Who will freely admit that he still cares and what we had was incredible and that he wishes more than anything in the world that we could be together but just can't? Who flat out has told me we will never be together and he has moved on and I need to move on as well but then gets choked up and emotional and tells me he's not even trying to meet anyone else because he's still so wrapped-up in our relationship? Especially since the sole reason we broke up is because I was unhappy and cheated on him? How do I ever get past that especially since after the cheating and throughout the breakup we have worked through all of the issues I was unhappy about! I can't find a thing wrong with him now and all I want to do is be with him and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Please tell me what to do. Please. I know that it's over in my head but my heart does not want to listen. I just need advice, tips, on how to forget him, how to not compare everyone I ever meet to him, how to rebuild my self-esteem and know in my heart I will find someone that I love just as much and would never hurt in that way again. I realize this is a learning experience for me but why did I have to make the most incredible person in my life my learning experience?

So applicable. I JUST emailed him and told almost this exact same thing 2 days ago. Response? Nothing. I guess that's his answer! What a pansy to not even TELL me though you know? Again, who needs friends like that anyway...

I can definitely see this point of view as well... I think I'd rather be naive and believe in my head he is at home miserable pining over me, the incredible "one who got away" then to actually see him out laughing and having a good time! My own delusional fiction is much easier on my well-being at the moment...

Funny because this is almost EXACTLY the situation I am in. We both like music and he's like asking me to go to shows with him and his friends! He knows I'm not over him and I just don't understand what part of him thinks this would any way be a good idea. AND we're in the same boat because he didn't have a very strong group of friends when we started dating and now still continues to hang out with a bunch of people he met through me! I don't know if he somehow thinks it will be "easier" for us if we all just hang out in a group but I feel like he's being selfish- like inviting all of our mutual friends to do things when he knows I'm not emotionally strong enough at this point. Anyway- I really am friends with every ex I have except him and I do realize it's just because I'm hurting and incredibly afraid of having to watch him move on and date someone else. It'll probably take a good year or two but I have a feeling he will be someone in my life again eventually. I just don't understand his motives at the moment.

Ok, for anyone out there who has actually told their ex that they wanted to remain friends, hang out, go to concerts, etc. but never had plans for anything more- especially after a pretty intense breakup and pretty intense relationship- why would you want this? Does it make you feel better about yourself offering a friendship because you know you cannot give more? Or do you just want to keep her/him on the backburner "just in case" for someday in the future? Also, why would you try to pursue this when you KNOW that the person you are requesting the friendship from is still very brokenhearted about the breakup and has feelings for you? Wouldn't you rather respectfully cut ties, and allow them to move on?

Honestly, it hurts her if you call or do not call. If you are really 100% committed to never being with this woman again in a romantic way, then you need to cut her loose and let her go- for her own sake. If you care about her like you say you do then do her this favor as this will be the only way she will be able to move on. And she will probably press you and continue to try for a while- and it will hurt either way. Let her move on and if she decides in time that she is ready for a friendship then hopefully she will approach you with that option. AND, by continually telling her that yes, you do still care, and yes, you remember the great times too, it is encouraging her, whether you mean it that way or not.

Wow. How applicable Sounds similar to my current situation except I can honestly tell you that I don't want to be ONLY friends with my ex, I for some reason am just convincing myself that I'm willing to settle for any sort of relationship/friendship to keep him in my life. Why do you want to be friends? Would you be ok being her friend if she began to date someone else? Do you think it would be possible for her to be your friend when you began to date someone else? Do you see any hope for the two of you in the future or do you really see the rest of your relationship togther as just being good friends?

Ok, my head is spinning again. Ex-boyfriend and I are both big music and live music lovers, and Friday night when I was over there he was telling me that he was not going to be able to go to this concert he had gotten tickets for on Thursday night. I did initiate contact on Monday because my roommate and I are both big fans of this band as well and I was hoping he could cut us a deal on the tickets. We talked on the phone, sticking strictly to the subject of the concert tickets (although he did tell me that he still had me banned from his email and he'd fix that the next day). Tickets didn't end up working out, but again, that is all we talked about. Then, different music story, but when we were dating we had purchased tickets to this big music festival over Halloween. After we broke up I realized that I didn't have the money or desire to really go without him and 3 of my friends that had tickets pretty much decided the same thing. I knew he and some of his friends were still going so I IM'd him and asked if he knew anyone else who was looking to buy them because we could sell ours for cheaper than what they are going for online right now. Ended up having about an hour long conversation on IM about random things- mostly music, etc. I said I needed to get back to work and ended it... but then later in the afternoon I emailed him and told him about this band coming to town that I burned him the CD of and we both really like it. He said he'd absolutely love to go to the show with me and he'd also ask a mutual concert-going friend of ours as well to see if he'd want to join. So last night I'm at home and my phone rings and it's him. This is the first initiation of contact he has made since we broke up. However, I think his reasons were selfish as he just basically tried to convince me to buy the extra concert tickets he has, even though I'd already told him my roommate and I had decided we couldn't afford them. We made idle chit chat for a few minutes, I told him some sites he might try to check out online to sell them, and then he brought up the upcoming concert again- said he is DEFINITELY DOWN with going to see them, and had looked for tickets online but couldn't find anything but we should let each other know when we do find them. It was nice, polite, light and then we hung up. My roommate has been through the whole thing with me and was standing next to me and commented that it had sounded like an easy conversation and she was surprised. I don't know what to do. A part of me doesn't want to give up that friendship and all of those common interests we had together but I know that I'm still in love with him and underneath it all I'm hoping we'll end up together. I realize that I have broken my own rule by contacting him first, but as one of my friends pointed out, I have created an "opportunity" for communication. I realize, however, that his priorities and my priorities are not necessarily in sync at the moment though. He is a year younger than me, and on top of that, not incredibly mature or experienced for his age. His life, to me, seems to revolve around hanging out with his buddies every night, drinking, watching sports, going out, etc. And all of his good friends are single and oddly, two of them broke up with their girlfriends after we broke up as well. I guess it shouldn't matter but I'm just torn because I want him and maybe having some form of relationship/friendship is better than having nothing at all, but the logical part of me is yelling at me and telling me that he's just not ready for anything and it doesn't matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to change that. Should I be happy with what he is willing to give and just try to maintain a casual friendship with him? Has anyone been successful at doing this? I am still dating other people, and seeing him on a monthly or bi-monthly basis will not change that. It's been hard though because I've met and went on at least a date with like 5 guys since we broke up in June, all of whom were very sweet, and very interested in me and made that more than clear. I feel like I am trying but I wonder if a part of me isn't giving them a fair chance? I also am confident though, that if one did come along and really did blow me away, that I would be more than willing to be open and try it out with him, because as I said, I know that in the present moment there is no hope for that kind of relationshp with the ex. And really, in the past 3 months, I've reconnected with all a lot of wonderful friends and have been having a lot of fun. I don't want to settle, it's the last thing I want to do. I would definitely rather be single that pretend to be happy with someone I'm not! I guess I'm just trying to figure out what positives my ex is getting out of maintaining a casual frienship with me. I know that I personally don't choose to spend time with people unless I enjoy their company or being around them- I tend to fairly easily cut people out of my life after a relationship if I no longer feel any desire to be around them, and he's not good friends with any of his exes- so I guess I'm just confused! Anyway- I am rambling now. I just can't afford to go see my therapist anymore (cr@ppy health insurance!) and I like that I tend to get a variety of opinions back from this website. Thanks for any advice!

I had an explosive outbreak like this with my ex a couple of months back- about a month after he ended it. I felt like I couldn't control it either, I just wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me and said things that, although true, were just intended to hit him where he was weakest and hurt him the most. Unfortunately, it worked. We also share a large group of common friends and he told them all the things I said to him and has since gained a lot of loyalty from them. It's very hard but I guess I just have faith that my true friends will know that the anger came from sadness... I will tell you that my anger subsided when I didn't talk to him. I made the mistake of having a "casual one nighter" with him this past Friday though, which was of course no where NEAR casual, and now I am feeling a lot of those anger issues rise up again. My only advice is to try to separate yourself from her as much as possible. Again, hard to do when you share friends. Time and space will numb all emotions...

It's so amazing to hear how many people are going through the same things at the same times. I'm not sure I should be the one to give you advice right now as I was in my ex's bed less than 24 hours ago but I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and if you want a sympathetic ear I am here. My situation reminds me of yours except my ex is not dating anyone. When we talk or are around each other it's painfully obvious so many feelings are there. I guess you just have to give it time. A friend told me that you don't know how things are going to end but given that the passion and emotion are still there- then there is at least that potential. I guess it's better in a way then seeing your ex out and only receiving cold treatment and realizing you have no place left in his heart right?

Again, thank you so much for the replies to this... I really am a very logical person most of the time and I can give the best advice! When it's my own problems though, sometimes it just REALLY helps to hear those words from other people, even though every single thing that I just read that you wrote I know within my heart to be true. I may be posting a lot on here in the near future! This site is so therapeutic- when I get the urge to call him and beg him to be with me I guess I'll just come here and post instead. And my friends' ears are sure getting a lot of use lately... luckily I have an incredible support group. I am a very fortunate and happy person- I just adore him and am very sad that I did something to cause us both so much pain. Also- he kept referring to our time together last night as "pleasant fiction", apparently a quote from the movie Gladiator. Again, just makes me want to give up hope when he refers to the good times we now have together as "fiction".