blender

Well, for right now this is no longer about HIM.. the most important one is YOU... and for today you are still emotionally vulnerable, and it's okay to not be in any contact with him... because "pretending to be friends" right now would be false, and somewhat emotionally dishonest for you... so next time he says hello, smile as big as you can and wave back, and then move on, get busy, and leave it alone. If one of your friends asks if you "want to be friends with him".. you can say in a very classy way, (or just say this to yourself for your own self respect and piece of mind, after all you were hurt, and disappointed so it's healthy and normal for you to be feeling a bit confused right now) but write this down, or say it to anyone who inquires so it gets back to him, or just say it out loud to yourself: "Maybe in time I might want to be friends with him, but for right now I don't have too much respect for how he chose to handle the relationship, or the ending of it for that matter, and it's important for me to be sincere and to respect people whom I choose to trust with friendship, so "no", right now I'm not interested in being his "buddy', I'm not mad at him and I wish him only the best, but right now it just doesn't feel "sincere" within my own standards to be his buddy..and I'm sure he can respect that, as I much as I respect his not wanting be in a relationship, and who knows what I will feel in the future regarding him, but for today, this is what feels the most "honest" in my heart."

It's not YOUR fault that HE cheated, it has nothing to do with you. And it won't be the woman's fault he's with now when he cheats on her..because yes he will most likely cheat on her as well...once the drama and newness wears off between them... he will once again, "repeat his pattern". He's a coward. plain and simple. Every person has a "choice" on how they behave. He made a "choice" to cheat, it doesn't matter "why" it's "how" he CHOSE to behave. The FACT is, no matter how you "feel" about him... He had the option of being a decent man, to have come to you when he felt that he wanted to go "outside" the relationship, all he had to do was to have the courage, self respect, and decency to sit down with you, or call you and explain that he could no longer be in a committed exclusive relationship. He didn't have to tell you about wanting to be with another woman, but he SHOULD HAVE had the class to break off one relationship before starting another, that is HIS problem, and it has nothing to do with you. I know you can find all kinds of excuses for his behavior, such as "he probably didn't want to hurt me and tell me because I was having some of my own emotional problems".. but that is NO EXCUSE for how HE chose to behave... look how much more he ended up hurting you anyway..right? So, there is NO excuse for the way he treats women... so please remember this is not YOUR fault, the only thing you can work on for yourself is "why" you choose to take on all the blame, or emotional responsibility of this relationship, because that is not "accurate or realistic".. he made a choice to behave in a not so classy way and that "defines" HIM, not you. Your hurting, your aching for what you "hoped and thought" he could be..and soon I pray you will find some self forgiveness and also to "accept" him as who HE revealed himself to authentically be, and that is a man who makes a choice to cheat, run away, and also doesn't follow through on having even the decency to return your belongings.. I hope YOU realize YOU are more precious than any 'belongings" he may still have, and that you might be able to "let go" of the "stuff" he has made a choice to be such a coward about returning to you... because having any contact with him right now is not going to be "good for you"... so if the possessions of yours he still has are "valuable" then have a friend get them back for you.. but do NOT contact him.. take care of YOU right now.. take time to heal and re-gain some perspective and balance on what really took place between you.. it was NOT your fault... You can't "make someone love you", and you can't "make someone cheat on you" either.

Well the fact is his feeling right now are not a part of your precious life journey.. all that matters right now is YOU. And to remember that he's in the "newness" phase of his relationship with a new person, but eventually he will run into himself, and have to live with his choices.. and the BEST thing you can do is to maintain "no contact".. and not fight for someone who is not making a loving intentional effort to be in your life. Remember he made a CHOICE TO CHEAT, and so I hope the girl he is with now knows the age old saying of: "if he'll do it with you he'll do to you.." I think we learn more about the ex from the "way they end the relationship" then from the way they "began our relationship"... he was a coward, a cheater, and it's too bad that he "revealed" these flaws after seven years, but thank god you now can see HIM clearly and YOU are free to celebrate YOU... not him, but YOU. and you must remember that you are suffering the loss of "hopes/dreams" you ATTACHED TO HIM.. but those hopes and dreams are still very much alive for YOU, so re-attach those same hopes and dreams back to YOURSELF... they are not "HIS" qualities, they are YOURS... he's proved he is not able to fulfill them in your life.. or even his own, any guy who has the "ability and flaw of character" to cheat, then overlap a relationship and move on so quickly, well it says so much about who HE is, then it does about YOU... Your heart is aching because you are mourning the loss of 'WHO YOU THOUGHT AND HOPED HE COULD BE'... so for today, choose to be in "acceptance" of who he's actually REVEALED himself to be... and you won't be aching for the "cheater" for too long a time...separate your "feelings from the facts" about him on a piece of paper, see how many of them "match up"... you might be surprised how much of what you "love about him" is from YOUR hopes and heart compared to what he;s "revealed about himself" does not even come close to what you "feel" he "could" be.. because the "fact" is, his "choices of behavior" mean he's no longer worthy of you. YOU deserve, a loving, mature, honest, intentional effort from a man who shares your values and who will cherish the intamcy, respect and trust that is so important for a relationship to be healthy and fulfilling....

Whatever your "feelings" about NC are, or whatever your "expectations" regarding it might be, the "fact" is it's the most courageous, classiest, healing, self empowering choice for right now, as tough as it is to do, the "right" thing to do is usually the most difficult at first. But you can do this, and you will heal, and you will have YOUR choice on with whom you want to invest and share your energy and love... Acceptance is key, just try to "accept" that for right now she is not willing to make an exclusive intentional effort to committ on being a couple.. do not take this personally, just take it "practically".. because for right now regardless of "feelings" the "fact" is she's not ready, willing or emotionally able to give YOU what YOU deserve from a relationship. Just look at the effect "contact" had on you... those first feelings of "hope" then the realization of "it might not mean anything more than curiosity/guilt on her part"... and of course you "want" to be her friend, but for right now the most important thing to concentrate on is what you "need".. and for today you "need" to take care of you, on your own, breathe, cry, separate "feelings from facts" and remember that unless the ex is making a sincere intentional loving effort to be in your life as a significant partner, there is no "healthy emotionaly reason" for you to have contact for right now...it's too soon, and it also might remove the valuable "opportunity" for her to discover any "authentic feelings"... this takes time.. No need to declare "no contact" to her, but instead, just make a deal with yourself for "today" one day at a time, that you will "let go" and get busy with your own life... and remember that any contact could have a possible "set back effect" on you emotionally, especially if it's not sincerely at the level your heart is aching for... I know I've been there, too afraid to let go, but then so hurt by the "casual contact" and not being able to fully express and share the intamcy of the relationship anymore.. it's not worth it.. it's just not.. not right now while you are still so emotionally vulnerable. so be honest with yourself and what you know you can handle in the "big picture" and be careful of "re-acting to your feelings" by choosing to stay in contact with her even if it's in responding to her contact, instead just "feeling your feelings"...work through them on your own.. take time to "heal" a bit... keep going to the gym, work on yourself for YOU, and all the wonderful endless possibilities and love that await you.....either with the ex at some point or with someone new... for right now your only project is YOU, celebrate you, take care of you, go to the gym for you, get busy with your own life.. that is the most healing and attractive thing to do..

Sure you are feeling "hurt".. because you have "expectations" in your own heart.. but try to separate the "feelings from the facts".. and just feel your feelings, try not to "get him to validate them" right now... and the "fact" is he has a baby, and he's not making an effort right now to drive out to see you, but right now try not to take it "personally"..not yet.. give it some time, try a different approach towards him, get busy with your own life in an honest and self respecting way, and when any "plans" are discussed for the weekend, just simply say to him, "I'd love to see you, but do whatever is best for you because you seem to have so much going on, so when you do have time to drive my way, let me know, I look forward to it". then just leave him the "opportunity" to rise to the occasion... doing so sets a new tone to your "always driving there, and trying to see him"... just try a new attitude, you are worthy of a man who is willing to make an effort to intentionally be in your life, and for right now he might just have gotten very comfortable with the "fact" that you have been willing to make that drive... so for now, simply get busy with your own life, all the while still being understanding of him... letting go in a loving way, where you are simply understanding, patient, yet still busy with your own life, doing this a bit is usually the most powerful thing to do.. for yourself and for him.. and make sure not to take it as his "lack of interest" in coming to see you... for right now just try to create an "opportunity" for HIM to make a choice to come and see you.. and you can do so by simply changing your own 'pattern" of always driving up there, and not by trying to make "plans" with him..let HIM make a choice to make "plans" with YOU... just let go a bit.. see what happens, it will clearly tell you more about what he might be feeling...

He might just be overwhelmed. So try not to take his response personally, just take it "honestly"... right now he's with his baby.. so getting a text from you right now about making "plans" for next weekend might just be a bit to "way ahead" for him to sincerely committ to being able to drive over.. just say "okay, I understand, we can see how we both are feeling when the weekend gets closer, no worries". And if you don't want to drive there to see him, then simply make plans for YOU, keep busy with your own life as well. Being independent, busy with your own life and giving him a bit of space right now could be the most powerful and attractive thing for you to do... just for the moment consider him to be "overwhelmed and busy" and try not to take it personally. Breathe, have confidence in yourself, and an understanding of his situation and consider the whole situation before taking it all too personally. He simply might just be overwhelmed and slowing down a bit, this is an important time for you to be "empathetic and understanding, give him some time, space, respect that he might be pulling back a bit for many reasons... and so you can too let go a bit... relax, enjoy talking to him, be a good listener, and if in time you sincerely feel he's no longer interested in making any effort to be in your life, "then" you might want to ask him where he stands as far as your relationship goes, but for right now, give him the benefit of the doubt, he has a son, an ex wife, and many emotions to deal with.... let go a bit, and relax, and trust that it's not "personal"....

yes, do NOT initiate any contact, and you might also want to set some values, standards regarding why and if you even choose to "respond" to any contact from her.. if she does call again, and she might, especially if you just let go.. well then I think it's important to ask her "why" she is contacting you, have the self respect to clearly ask her what her "intent" is in contacting you... don't be afraid to hear the truth from her, it will set you free to heal, or to reconcile... Again the MOST POWERFUL, HEALING AND ATTRACTIVE choice for you right now is to maintain "no contact and be clear on where YOUR heart is"..... this is the mature, respectful, classy, realistic, loving, healing choice. And it also allows her the "opportunity" to discover "authentic feelings" and also allows her the "opportunity" to contact you ONLY if her intent is sincere and clearly about wanting to "try again as a couple"... anything less, is less, and will leave you feel "less" in the long run... Take care of you, she does NOT hold the key to your happiness, or validation..that can only come from you, for yourself. And again the most attractive quality you can have is your own independence, happiness, and self respect... so if you feel you are "compromising any of these important qualities" just so you can have the "fix" of contact with her.. then stop yourself, think, breathe, let go.. and maintain no contact... heal, feel empowered by the self respecting choice to not allow yourself to be in someone's life "half way"....

BE HONEST, it's okay to date more than one person, casually, but eventually you have to be honest with yourself and be aware of what vibe you are giving to the individual girl, and to make sure to be clear that if and when things get "closer" that you are completely honest and let the girl know that you are not exclusively dating her... and then she can let you know what her 'standards/values" are considering if she would be "okay" with continuing to date you, or would desire exclusivity and then you can decide who you want to be with, and "IF" you can make a commitment to be exclusive... it's all one step at a time, most important quality being that you know when to be "clear and honest" about where you stand, so that you do not knowingly deceive someone...

The most important thing is to be honest with YOURSELF, and if you are having contact in "hopes" of reconciliation, then just be aware of this and set some emotional boundaries for yourself.. if she was "just feeling the result of the break up" well then it might be best for her to "feel that loss" a bit longer to allow the opportunity for her to "discover authentic feelings"... because sometimes allowing contacting can interrupt this "opportunity" of "discovery" and the "friendly banter and contact" may feel comforting to you, but might just be something different for the ex, because it alleviates the guilt and curiosity on the exes part and they never get the "opportunity" to want to make an intentional effort to work at the relationship they lost...because they don't have to, they get to have contact with out intent of reconciliation... so.... be careful not to "re-define" yourself as a "buddy" in her life, unless you are truly okay with being just that.. so take it slow, don't initiate anymore contact for now.... let go, and get busy with your own life for today... doing so is the most healing and attractive thing for you to do.... Unless the ex calls to specifically say that they want to "try again"...well...then just know that unless you set some boundaries/values and standards for your own heart, they will not do so either.... Take care of you right now... let her have the "opportunity" to miss you, and respect your space and let her know at some point that if she is not intentionally contacting you out of a chance at reconciliation then perhaps the most self respecting thing to ask for is "No contact" so that you may heal and move on... Just my thoughts.. again, be honest with yourself.. and her..

yes, SHE has a "pattern" that you are now well aware of so the only power you have is to make a CHOICE to not allow yourself to be suckered into her unhealthy life pattern... let it go, ignore all calls, no more contact, and if you have to settle "another bill" then do so immediately through paper work, and then you can notify her in one simple line through email that it's been taken care of... this is your choice now, the choice to "accept" her pattern and not take it personally anymore, not in a negative or positive way, and to now accept that her "behavior" is about HER, not about you..or the other guy, or anyone else, it's about her, it's her, it's the way she is, was way before you came into her life, and she will be "choosing this pattern" of behavior for a long time...maybe even the rest of her life... but the good news is that as much as you are now "educated and aware" of WHO SHE IS, and HER life pattern, you are now also aware of your own "choices and patterns".. and those YOU DO HAVE THE POWER to change your part in all this. Yes, your feelings of frustration and confusion are real, but right now it's important to separate your "feelings from the facts".. and to "accept" that you are powerless over who she is and the choices she makes on the way she "handles" her relationships, whether it be with you, someone from her past, or in her current life... We usually find out more about "who" are exes are by what they "reveal" of themselves after the break up... this is just as much a part of who they are as all the things we "fell for" in the first place, they have as much power and equal representation of who they are, their character, their loyalty, their emotional intelligence, their stability or lack of... etc. These character flaws she has are not exclusively related to you, never have been, and will be alive in whatever relationship she is in.. eventually her "pattern" will resurface and any relationship she is in will "suffer lack of emotional sincerety" because of this... it's sad, but the only one who has the power to change this in her is HER.. and she might not ever "want" to do the "self work" involved to rise above her own issues so that she may have a fulfilling quality loyal committed relationship with anyone..including herself. Hang in there, and try not to get caught up in the frustrating thoughts of "why" she behaves the way she does, it's not personal, it's just her "survival pattern"... best, Blender

It's important to be "honest with yourself"... and to learn that there is no reason to "play games" or to pretend that you are seeing other people when you are in fact not doing so... but I understand it's tempting sometimes to lie a little because you secretly are hoping the guy would respond with some jealousy, but this is in NO WAY a mature approach to finding out where a guy stands.. it's best to take him at his original word, which was, "he was NOT interested in a serious relationship"... plain and simple he told you upfront, but yes I know your heart put it's hands over your wise eyes and ears and made a choice to "ignore" the "facts" and go with your "feelings". So right now you can make a choice to instead go with the "facts" and not the "feelings" and just believe it's a lesson learned so that you will no longer choose this "pretending there's another guy" attempt with the "right" guy who is in your future... perhaps that is why all this happened so that you might "learn" this about yourself for the future, and so you can be emotionally ready, secure for the "right" guy.. this guy just wasn't the "right" guy for you, this guy was a lesson, an opportunity to figure YOURSELF OUT, and it's not about him... you're doing the right thing by choosing to let go, do not contact him, and remember for your future relationships that you can proud that you are a woman who is a "one man type of girl".. and from now on you can make that clear to any man whom you choose to give your energy, heart, and body to.... set your "standards/values" above all else and you will always make the mature, classy choice for yourself.

Yes, it's normal for you to be "confusing" your emotions with what you "hoped could be" with what it "actually was" with this guy.. but the good news is, you are NOW SEEING THINGS MORE CLEARLY, but it will not immediately erase all the emotions, hopes, dreams, and effort you invested in him, but that's okay, in time you will start re-investing this energy into yourself, into your own healing, and celebrate YOU... go to link removed scroll down and read about "why we mourn the loss of an unhealthy relationship".. you might find it so very helpful... you will heal, grow past all this and be better for it, forgive yourself, and take this valuable opportunity to take care of YOU.

Honestly from your "description of events" involving this guy, he's no longer worthy of your energy or attention.. perhaps it is best that you don't give it another thought, "return to sender" on the checks, and as far as his "stuff" goes, put it in a box in the back of your garage and write on it in big letters: "experience, lessons learned on WHO not to get involved with"... and then "let go" and get busy with YOUR OWN LIFE.... sorry you are still hurting over this disrespecting guy but the try to separate your "feelings from the facts" and remember the TRUTH, that in "heartache pain is inevitable but suffering over them is a choice".

Put all his things in a box and send them to him, if that is not something you want to do, and you feel that it is HIS responsiblity to retrieve them and he has chosen not to, and you believe them not to be of any great value then you can donate them, but GET A RECIEPT... just in case he ever confronts you about it.. but just do whatever you do based on YOUR values and quality of YOUR character, not on your ANGER towards him.

One thing that is the most powerful thing to do, is to NOT become like him. So if it's no big deal, send him the check by certified mail along with a note that says: "FYI: please correct your address with unemployment office regarding future unemployment checks, if I receive any more on your behalf they will be returned to sender, thank you" this is the "classy, mature, sophisticated" way to handle it, it shows that you are doing just fine, do NOT email him about this, just simply handle it "if and when" the next check arrives and attach a post it note with the above request.. Any "anger or comments" you might make in sending an email would only make you as low as him.. don't be tempted to play emotional sports with shrimp... just rise above this, handle it when the check comes, and then set new boundaries with a simple note.. end of story. Giving him the satisfaction of an email, even a "negative" one, is only giving him more of your energy.. don't bother... it will just be viewed as sour grapes and "attention" to him... so let it go, you're doing great, and he's "history"....

yes, it's fine, you did what you needed to do emotionally for yourself in the moment, and it's NOT "petty".. it's an "expression of the realization and frustration" you've been dealing with, and you got it off your chest. So it's fine, you're going to get past all this, and it's all going to be okay.. so please no"regret" sending it, because the "fact" is, it doesn't matter, she speaks HER own "emotional language" and you speak "your own" emotional language... so she will not think of what you say as "petty'.. it will be more of a "realization" for her, "IF" she is even capable of that emotionally, but the FACT still remains, it was okay to send it, and all the "emotions" you are putting yourself through..well, you'll be so much better for having gone through all the phases.. you will...

Need2bme, I'm would never be 'ANGRY" at you... I care about you and your "healing".. so next time you feel this 'anger towards her" an email to YOURSELF about your own choices during the relationship that were your OWN responsiblity and YOUR part of the "pattern" that developed, (trust me she couldn't have gotten away with all she did with your your cooperation)this way you can work on your own issues, and no longer feel that "urge" to educate her on "her issues".... Because again the fact is it does not matter to YOUR HEALING "if" SHE ever "understands it/the relationship, the right/wrong" or not... because YOU ARE GOING TO GROW PAST ALL THIS NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU CHOOSE TO DO SO.. you're going to be okay, you'll someday look back on all this as the "lesson" is had the POTENTIAL to be in YOUR LIFE.. not so much the "lesson" in "might' be in hers... I'm always here for ya..no matter how many times you go to the dry well for water.. I understand, I've been there myself... best, Blender

need2beme, it's not that she "doesn't care", it's more that she doesn't know how to the way you do.. she speaks a whole different emotional language than you, and at first that "difference" is sometimes what 'intitially attracts us to falling in love" with someone, we feel "needed" and "important" in helping the "other person" feel good, be loved, yet this type of "love" is only a temporary distraction from our own deeper issues, and all of the sudden the relationship is not working out how we "hoped, planned, expected" it to.. because if we go into it feeling like "now I'm happy because of you"... and we think we are "attaining" happiness through another instead of "sharing" our own happiness..then it's like building a house on 'quicksand" the locations may seem great, but the foundation is weak.... because you need two complete pilars (individuals) to hold it up, not one weak, one rescurer, or one unstable and one stable, or one giving and one taking, or whatever combination at the time was so tempting, seemed so "real, mature and loving".. instead a healthy long lasting relationship grow out of: "I'm choosing to be in your life because we share the same values, and I want you because I love you, and NOT I love you because I need you or you need me to feel "happy". We've all been there... and it's a pattern we all repeat all too often...

Yes, the cycle you describe of your own self thought, procranstination etc, is what so many of us do, the good news is, YOU are seeing your own "pattern"... and that is the beginning of a whole new life, to acknowledge it and make changes so that life doesn't pass us by spending are time thinking of the past and worried about tomorrow..while the "present" turns into years... I know, I know all too well what you are going through, and the FACT is YOU hold all the power to the change in your life, and being "happy within oneself" is a very tough thing to do, but soooo worth it, it makes us feel better, more centered, we are more attractive to others, and we don't put our self worth into an "outside source" that can change, disappoint and hurt us so deeply to a point where we are not "living in the moment"... sure we will continue to experience sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment etc, but it can be done in an emotionally healthy way once we have a true sense of self... it just takes time, thought, and change in one's OWN BEHAVIOR and THOUGHT PATTERN... it's never ever about trying to convince someone else of something and then we are okay..nope that's not how it works, that's like chasing your own tail, I'll stop once I get a hold of it... instead, just know it's there, it's behind you, look ahead, and then you'll soon stop going in emotional circles, and start moving ahead, it's all about "progress not perfection"...let go... and let god. We are all here if you need to vent.. I need it so much at times... this is a wonderful site, and so many of us can help each other, and learn so much about ourselves when doing so, Me just talking to you about all this is helping my own healing and letting go.. so thanks... blender

I know you will be ready to set boundaries, when YOU are ready to do so.. I really relate to the "wanting to show/teach her what is "right". But it's that type of "non-acceptance" of her being who she is, that keeps you on "hold" emotionally so to speak..just in terms of your own healing. I can only say that it's all about what is the right timing for you, and when you are "ready' to set boundaries you will. Take whatever time you need to work up to the "acceptance" of who she is, how she is, and what she thinks is right or wrong...and that none of it is "personal" about YOU, it's just her "pattern".. it was in place long before you came along.. and if this guy does NOT know she's in contact with you, and the "way" she approaches that contact...well, then that is a clear sign of her not being "completely" in that relationship either. In the long run, because you are no longer a "couple".. so how SHE values and views "love" is "irrelevant" because it's not healthy for you to think of her "emotional understanding of what is healthy, or appropriate as your "project" to convince her...I've tried doing one of those "emotional projects" with the ex... by staying in contact and not setting clear boundaries, and I spent a whole lot of energy distracting myself from my own healing issues, while I was so focused on "why, how come and why doesn't the ex get it, darn it, I will make sure he "learns" how his behavior is inappropriate and confusing... but the only way to make that clear was by my no longer choosing to hold my half of his unhelathy pattern. And I had to lovingly respectfully set boundaries... Her ever understanding what is right or wrong, does not matter as far as your future, your life, your heart is concerned. I've been in your exact same emotional situation, and it took me a long time to love myself enough to set some boundaries, it was a painful, difficult letting go process, and you can't "rush it" you'll do what you do when you "believe and know" it's the "right" thing for YOU. It takes courage, time, faith, and self respect and self love.. those are difficult qualities to embrace... it's just plain scary..and tough, but the "right" thing to do sometimes is... you'll be ready when you're ready.. The best thing I did before I verbally set the boundaries with my ex, was to start living as if I had... in my own mind and heart.. I started to not take anything he did or said "personally".. I set up small emotional goals for myself, by "not engaging" in saying anything to him about the way HE was behaving, I just started with baby steps of imaging my life without HIS influence, emotional tug on my heart, and my own independence free of "thinking what is he thinking".. so start by some positive self talk of "I will let go, I will set boundaries when I'm ready but for today, I will keep reminding myself that she is powerless over my me, she's on her own life journey and whether she ever understands why she does things or not, I will be fine, even better.. no reason to stay in her life to "educate" her..." Get use to "changing your own thought pattern" and your heart will eventually follow the logic... hang in there.. best, Blender

Ugh... I really feel for you, and you are in the stage of "resentment/anger" and this is great news, because it's not in a "mean or nasyty" way but in a "self respecting" way... these "realizations" about HER life pattern are so valuable for you to remember, thank god you did not answer... and at some point you may want to say to her.."unless you have an epiphany regarding "US".. there is no respectful reason to be contacting me, if in time you "discover" your feelings for me to be "authentic, mature and you want to make a sincere exclusive effort" to try again as a couple, then contact is fine, but for right now I wish to respect myself, you and the relationship you are currently in..and I hope you can do the same". This girl does not have "boundaries".. and could you imagine being the other new guy? How would you feel if the girl you were currently with was calling her ex to wish him happy valentines day? Or sending him a ring wrapped as a "re-gift" to you? At some point you will actually have gratitude that you are not standing next to her on the emotional quicksand that is her life, YOU are now on SOLID GROUND.... and you will heal.. and grow past all this.. ugh.. I know how frustrating this all is.. so set some boundaries with her....for your own sake.

You've been talking to him for six months, but only dating him for two weeks, why all the sex talk? Why is it so important at this point? And are you okay being with a guy who talks about it so much..? Is that something you respect and admire about him? If not, then why are you choosing to stay involved? Respect yourself, your heart, mind and body... don't offer it as a challenge..or a gift to someone who does not "cherish, respect and love" you.... your body is precious, respect it as such.. anyone can have sex...it's a sign of maturity when the "curiosity" is less about "sex" and more about the character of the person you are choosing to be with, THEN, you can build the intamcy so that the "physical expression" is respectful, joyful, sexy, intimate and real" so you can feel good about yourself and each other afterwards..isn't that what you want? who cares how "big he is".. who cares if it's all he talks about..YUK if he is not pursuing you in a respectful loving intimate way.. WHY are you so interested in "making this work on a physical level" with this guy? where's the emotional understanding and attraction? What is good for "you" in doing this?

PrincessDiana, you did not "lose" anything to her.. instead you now have a chance to RE-GAIN yourself... this guys "life pattern" was in place way before you came into his life, and it will be in his life for a long time to come.. honestly this "new" relationship he is in, is headed for a break up.. they are both unstable, alcohol, rescuing, divorcing, addicted"... recipe for his "life pattern" in full swing... and it leads in a big circle, and he'll run into HIMSELF over and over again..thank god you are no longer involved with him.. YOU are worthy of "solid ground" with a man, and this guy stands on "quicksand".. be grateful YOU won't be sinking into it along with him anymore.... YOU are strong, loyal, SOBER, courageous and loving... these qualities are YOURS, and now you have the opportunity to find someone who shares and respects these quailities in himself and in you... I sent you a pm about the photos/videos he kept..

She did this more for "herself" then she did it for you.. she wants to show what a "nice and thoughtful" person she is/was/wants-to-be-thought-of-as. So as much as you could not take it "personally" had she just thrown it in there with the other things as a "negative", it's also important not to take her "wrapping it with a bow" as a "positve'.. and yes I too would be "annoyed, sad, homesick".. .that is exactly how this "gesture" would make me feel... I so relate to what you are sayiing... ugh... why do exes do these kind of things? Usually so they can feel good about themselves... And yes, it's also nice that she returned it in a "valuable way" because the fact is deep down inside she knows what a fantastic person you are....so remember that YOU are so valuable, even if she is NOT capable of staying in a long lasting mature, respectful, effort taking, loving relationship... the fact is "you" ARE capable of doing so..and you will.. with someone who shares your values and standards... the best is ahead of you.. not behind you.. so is the ring on ebay yet?

Again, you do whatever you think is best, but may I ask why you want to point out something like "that we are different is clear to view"? Is this a sweet reference to a conversation you two had, if so, that's nice.. and I would lose the word "but" before saying happy valentines day to you..and I'd say "my face is red", (more masculine the "cheeks") ya know like you are "embarrased/funny taking a risk, and not "blushing like a girl" . so maybe: My face is red, my eyes are blue But it has to be said, I have a liking for you. That we are different is clear to view. A Happy Valentines Day from me to you. OR My face is red, my eyes are blue sure we are different, it's all still new but my declaring "you're so sweet" is long overdue and I wish a happy Valentine's day to you. Or you can leave out "rhyming" all together and just keep it simple and let the gesture be it's own value, and just write, "happy valentine's Day" to her...although what you wrote is perfect as it is. I'm just giving you my opinion, that sometimes less is more..