blender

thanks for the update Hunny, you loved, you tried, and you learned.. and you did so in a caring way...that's life.. and now you can take all that you learned and move forward...

you just walk through the "fear" and you gather up all your courage and you say, "I know we don't say this too much, but I feel like life is so short and I know I'd feel better if we said "I love you" more often, so okay, "I love you, have a great day"... and then YOU start a new healthy pattern of speaking some kind words towards those whom you love.. you never know what challenges a day might bring, or how short life really is, so walk through the discomfort or awkwardness and start saying "I love you'.. your courage to do so will prove to be so healing and empowering..

Aldo, now is not the time to retrieve your belongings because you are still so emotionally vulnerable, give it some time, maintain no contact for your own sake, your own personal growth, so you can re-gain some perspective. If or when she eventually contacts you about your belongings you will be more prepared to emotionally handle it in a way you can feel proud of...and if she does call you when you are still so vulnerable it's okay for you to NOT answer and wait till a time when you feel stronger, and have gained back your sense of independence. For today just try to remember that this is going to 'hurt" for a bit, and it's normal for us to have sad and disappointing times in our life, it usually ends up to be the time we do the most self discovery and realize how strong you can be, and how much you can love, and that so many wonderful possiiblities are in YOUR future. So again, remember to take this just one day at a time, one day of no contact at a time, breathe, cry, play golf, get busy trying to widen your own world, and trust that FATE has a way of nudging us to where we are suppose to be even if sometimes it means our hearts ache for a bit.. You're strong, you will get through this... it's very difficult to let go of what we "thought and hoped could be" and to realize that the "reality" of the relationship is "different" then what we expected, or believed. So try to instead be in acceptance that for right now, there'll be moments of tugging at your heart, but it's okay, and to remember that what you "want' right now, might not be what you truly "need" in the long run. Keep your chin up, take care of you right now... we're all here when you need to vent or ask questions...

You can have compassion and say a prayer for him, but do NOT choose to get involved with him right now.. that is being wise, kind and respectful.. and most of all it's "SELF RESPECTING".. so let go with love for today, do not initiate any contact... you're going to grow past all this, and you will feel better about yourself in the long run.. this guy has many issues he needs to deal with.. trust that as much as you are dealing with your own life, he can deal with his.. take care of you, love yourself, and you can have compassion and let go at the same time... being a "cushion/doormat" for someone who has not been consistently respectful towards YOUR feelings, is NOT a healthy idea.. it will only lead to resentment.. because right now it's not sincerely what is right for you. I know he's been through so much, but so many people have gone through many emotionally draining experiences yet they do not ignore those who have been there for them and go spend time with another woman and then contact you four months later to be "buddies"... he simply wants to alleviate his guilt and keep the image of himself fresh and good in your mind.. and that's fine, but you don't have to join him in this "need".. just let go and respect his emotional journey, but most importantly respect your own emotional journey, you're still hurting. It's not selfish or wrong of you to NOT be "buddies" with him right now, in fact it's the opposite, it's self respecting, mature, real, and best to set standards for your healing process and also to allow him to go about his healing in a less selfish healthier way..so take care of you.. that is the most healing thing for today.

No, it's not sincere for you to be a "friend" right now, because it would be hurting you, you would be wanting "more" and that would lead to some resentment..and right now you are grieving as well.. he's just lost his wife, he jumped into a new relationship after you, now he's in need of alleviating his guilt, and also wants some emotional support, so his "intentions" are not about YOU.. they are about HIM. He's a grown man, he's suffered a loss, he's always known how to comfort himself, even as his wife was still alive he chose to find comfort from you, and then with a new woman after you.. this is HIS pattern, and it's not a healthy choice for you to be playing any part in it right now. If you want to respond to his emails, then maybe you can just send something clear, honest, mature and responsible, along the lines of: "Right now you seem to have many things you have to deal with and heal from.. we've learned through experience that it's too soon for either of us to consider being close in a healthy fulfilling way at this time, especailly considering all that has taken place. I would like to respect the reality of all that has happened, your wife of many years has passed, and you need some time to greive that loss, and to work through all that. So as far as being "friends", I'm sure you can understand and respect that that after all the intamcy we've shared, being just "buddies' right now doesn't feel very sincere or even a healthy choice at this time, but it might be realistic at some point. If in time you discover that you want to make an intentional effort towards us as a couple, then you may contact me. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers." See, saying something like this, not only is respectful of all he is going through but it also makes YOU pro-active about your own life, you are setting some standards, boundaries and self respect, and also knowing how to love and cherish your own heart first.. this is important if you are ever to build a strong foundation of love with him or anyone whom you love. Thinking in terms of "he left me because I wasn't itimate with him after his wife died, so he turned to someone else...well that's just unhealthy stinkin' thinking... and it not's based on love.. that is more about ego, fear, the circumstance, and some of his own issues. The timing wasn't right to be involved no matter who he was involved with.. so do not take his choices personally, they are more about his "life circumstance" at the time. Because when love is authentic and ready to be nurtured, there would be understanding, respect, and communication from BOTH people involved..and right now this all seems to be about what is best for HIM... You are responsible to take care of yourself first emotionally, and right now you are still too vulnerable to be making sure HE"S okay, and taken care of.. trust me, he's fine, he'll get through this, and he should do so without the shoulder of an emotionally vulnerable woman to cry on... he needs some time to grieve his loss, work through his fear of being on his own.. and THEN he might be ready to make an intentional sincere respectful effort to have a woman in his life.. because he wants to "share" happiness with her, and not "attain" it from her.. that never works.... so let him be on his own for a bit, and if you're not ready to respond at all, then that's okay too... just take care of yourself, and separate the "feelings" from the "facts".. you "feel" like you want to be with him even as a friend, but the FACT is he's not ready to give you more than that, and you are not ready to have less... so keep up no contact if that feels right. Or reply with something along the lines of the above response, be clear, honest and set a standard for HOW AND WHY he could have the honor of your presense in his life... It's time for him to respect what he shared with his wife, to take time to grieve, and heal, and rely on his family and his buddies, and his children, and get himself to a better emotinal state BEFORE he reaches out for a life preserver of a woman, only to push it aside once he feels stronger, or not interested... Remember you have been there for him, you gave your heart, your support.. and he didn't make a choice to respect it and cherish it. Most likely because he's in emotional turmoil and has guilt, sadness, regret, etc.. that his part to work through.. you dont' want to associate yourself with all that right now.. that's his emotional journey to go on. But he will have the opportunity to rise the occasion where you are concerned at some point IF you set a respecting standard and learn to cherish your own heart. If he does respond in a classy non-needy intentionally loving way at some point, wonderful. If not, then you have spared yourself a whole lot of effort to be his cushion when you yourself could use one. After all you've been through, take care of you.. and trust that he can take care of himself.. you've been hurting too.. and he's not been there to comfort you...he was busy with another "emotional cushion/woman". so you can in a loving way, let go, pray for him, let him know your standards, and go about making your own life better because you're not ready to sincerely be there just as his "friend".. (without some false hope that it might be something more).. you already know you want "more" from him, but the fact is he's not ready.. it's too soon.

Well, I guess it's also knowing what YOU can live with.. and if the fact that he had a homosexual past is too much for you to handle, than there is nothing he can do now to make it 'okay" for you... so either you find "acceptance" within yourself to deal with his past, or you can also accept that you might not be able to deal with it... again the answer is in your own truth...not his. I'm sure most women would have a difficult time seeing past his homosexual history. So give yourself a break, and know that you are dealing with new information that is causing you to view him differently, and rightly so... the best thing is to be pro-active and seek some quidance so you can both have a chance to be your most, honest, loving, loyal, best self. Whether that means staying together, or lovingly choosing to let go..it's about knowing who you are and what you can accept. If you find that you are not able to emotionally committ and accept him and his past, and his lack of being upfront in the first place, well then, there's your answer. Because what would he have to do in order for you to be "okay" with him? See what I mean, he doesn't have the "answer'..only YOU know what you are capable of accepting and lovingly able to deal with in an emotionally healthy self respecting way. So if you need help in finding YOUR truth, then it's best to seek some theraputic guidance..right? Sometimes things are so emotionally overwhelming in the moment, it's difficult for us to focus on what the "truth" is inside our own heart... so try to make decisions on facts, not fears. But by all means trust your instincts.. and if deep in your heart you don't feel "right" about moving forward in this relationship, the next step is to find out "why" you are feeling that way..(write down all your feelings and then write down all the facts about the relationship) and then ask yourself IF it is something you can learn to deal with, grow past, so you can love in a fully responsible, caring, mature, loyal, secure way..or if it is just something that you just can not accept and it doesn't fit into your sense of values and standards for a relationship. Either way I think you will discover that the answer is inside of you.

he "wants to marry you and start a family with you".. what? You ARE a family..isn't that what your son believes? You all live together, you all love each other.. don't you consider this a family? I'm sure your son does. If you do not, then you have some choices to make... If you are not ready to get married, then don't. Take it one day at a time, but remember to be honest with yourself and know that if you are building up resentment towards him and his past, that is not going to lead to a healthy outcome. You have so much at stake here, so seek some professional guidance.. through a church, a therapist, through any organization, something so you can nurture and plan a respectful loving solid future for you and your son..and ask your man to join you in this therapy if he is serious about wanting to make this work. You can no longer just "re-act" to what he does or says.. or to your own emotions and fears.. it's time to be "pro-active" and seek some guidance/therapy together if you want to seriously make a mature, loving repsectful commitment to each other and to provide a loving secure happy home for your son. I hope you find the courage and self respect to seek ways to make healthy choices for your life...by being fully aware of who you are and what you value in life. Priority one: YOU, YOUR SON, and the quality example of a relationship you CHOOSE to be in for him to grow up observing and absorbing as part of his identity. Speak your truth in a loving effective honest way...go talk to someone, a therapist, a priest, a self help group in your area and express your fears, anxieties, doubts and seek quidance on what YOU can do to actively pursue a healthy loving respectful future for yourself and your son.

regular Joe, is trying to point out that "maybe" just "maybe" he is innocent, and that it was years ago and something he deeply regrets.. who knows, the only way to find out is to open your own heart honestly and to work through this with your MIND IN FULL GEAR along with your feelings, and maybe your best choice is to seek some therapy together, If you love him, and you feel good about trying to work on this, then do so. Find a therapist so you can both talk openly about fears and work through them with someone who can guide you both to be honest, open to learning to trust. But if you don't think you can "let go" of certain things, then why not go see a therapist yourself and see if you can sort out all that you are "concerned or worried" about.. but as always trust your instincts not just your fears..because there is a difference. You have so much new information to process and it's healthy to take your time and seek some advice on how to APPLY a practical loving realistic approach to facing your fears, insecurities, and to learn to trust YOUR instincts. How have things been going, are the two of you having constructive honest conversations regarding a future together? Are you thinking about this as "over" or are you wanting to work on this relationship? Remember it's not so much getting to know EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM, but more importantly knowing YOURSELF enough to realize what you can deal with, and how much you are willing to give into this relationship.. know yourself and what is of value for you, and is within your standards..that is the key...

Well, it's all about your 'expectations", you have to go into this with your daughter as the priority and how wonderful it is for her to have both her parents together for the weekend camping and you can create a wonderful memory for her..try to focus on that. As far as some men don't look back, well so many times an ex just doesn't want to face themselves, so they just avoid the reality and coast emotionally through things... do NOT take it personally, it's just all that he is capable of "emotionally" whether it be with you, or any woman. The fact is you are just more in touch with your feelings than he is... that's the truth. So go on the camping trip, support him in his sport because he is the father of your child, more than because you "want him to respond to you".. then you won't have so many emotional expectations that lead to disappointments, go for the sake of creating a wonderful memory for your daughter.. and be kind to him, enjoy your time with her, and let go of any expectations other than you will be the best you for yourself, and for your daughter, it's a valuable example for a child of your integrity, kindness, and classiness... You can still love your ex, and let go of any "expectations" at the same time... because the fact is he will always be your daugthers father, and you will share that precious history and future with him.. so cherish that, and know that however he chooses to resond, grow, or not.. you're going to be okay.. love yourself, love your daughter, and try to love him as a partner in your daughters future, but know that YOUR future with being "in love" may not be with him.. and that's okay, because eventually if you love yourself enough you will attract a quality "in love" experience into your life. So start with being okay with YOU. best, blender

Joe, the fact is she did bring all this up, on several occasions, in which he directly lied to her, and HE "avoided" speaking the truth, it's not HER fault that HE MADE A CHOICE TO NOT tell her the truth when she asked him on several occasion before. And he didn't feel "afraid" to tell her when he FINALLY did, and she stayed with him, trying to be "okay" with all the shocking things he chose to reveal AFTER she and her son moved in with him. So of course she is "hesitant" to trust his words... just because he loves her doesn't mean he's showing the active choices of a man who is pursuing some "help" in finding out who he is, and how he can manage his "urges" in the future so they can learn to trust each other again. After all, it's wise for her to understand that He hasn't been magically "relieved" of his urges, and on top of that, he's still CHOOSING to indulge the stimulation of this side of his "sexual interest" by buying "gay porn"... so it's natural for her to have some mature concerns regarding how much he is really willing to leave this part of his "sexual curiosity" in his past. If you are on a diet and really truly want to change your life and lose wieght, then you would probably NOT be buying cakes to "look at" whenever you wanted to... it would eventually be too much temptation and might lead to you making a choice to give in to your "urge" for something you are really wanting to "let go" of..so why would you keep buying cakes if you genuinly were making an effort to be successful and lose wieght... right? So I'm sure you can understand, that regardless of each and every detail regarding what happened when, the fact remains, he didn't tell the truth after she asked many times before, and now that he has revealed "some" of the details, (he won't tell her who the male relationship was with) and he also has said he's no longer interested in having sex with men, BUT he is still indulging in gay stimulation (not that gay porn is bad, but it certainly could be an issue for someone who wants to "avoid and stay away" from indulging in gay sex) so "regular Joe' I know you are being considerate and trying to give your best advice, and I'm sure you can understand that it's difficult for her to take all this into account.. and when he does want to talk about it, she didn't want to in that moment because he brought up the subject when they were being "intimate" and of course the last thing she wants to have on her mind when sharing "love" with her man, is the "image" of him engaging in something that personally turns her off... whether it be with a man or another woman..it's still not an image she needed in that moment...wouldn't you agree?

I think "joe" is just trying to help and give you a different perspective, but the most important thing is your "gut instinct" and to separate your feelings from the facts.. and to work on this one day at a time with your eyes wide open and being honest with yourself and with him. If you "feel strongly" some reservations regarding the fact that he is not actively seeking any therapy to help guide him through his sexual identity, well that is a good reason for you to hesitate and think this through and to suggest that the two of you seek some professional help before you make any life term choices regarding a marriage. If he does not want to make this effort to seek some guidance together, then you do so on your own.. and know that if he says "no" to therapy together, that is a "red-flag" about how committed he is to putting the whole truth on the table and to value and cherish you and what is important for you to figure out so you may stay in the relationship feeling secure and happy. Start by being clear on what you need to work through this, and I really believe the two of you should seek some professional help, it's worth it, it's not a good idea to proceed with blinders on.... your son and you are at stake here emotionally.. so do all you can to learn and protect your values and standards.

Yes, I see what you are saying "joe" but the porn he is choosing to indulge is does not pop up on his television like a beer commercial. I hope that they can both rise above these issues to be honest, open and loyal to each other. But it's also important to take his "choices of behavior" into account, and also to obvserve if he is actually seeking some resolve to his own sexual issues, for himself, so that he can truly be committ to her in a healthy loyal way. It sure seems that he "wants' to be committed and loyal, but what actions is he taking to seek guidance and help to reslove his own issues regarding his past behavior? Him "showing" that he's really wanting to work through his own issues is the real sign that he wants to deal with his past out of respect for himself and also as a willing intention to reassure her as well. She received so much information regarding him that she did not know about, and that is so emotionally difficult to deal with and accept, no matter how much she loves him, they both have to meet half way and as you suggested clearly discuss openly thier fears, and what also to agree on what "efforts" they are BOTH willing to make to be successfully loyal and committed to making the relationship work. And if that means she needs time to process all the information and to take some time to trust his commitment to her, then naturally he should be understanding that the information regarding his past is a huge emotional hurdle for her to jump.. and usually it takes some time and therapy so they can both work through these issues, fears, in a realistic, loving, and considerate way.

regular joe, sorry you feel it's right to say "blender is way off base".. I'm not on any base, I'm simply responding to the information the op has expressed, and trying to give her a "perspective' just to look at this from all angles, I can appreciate your perspective even though you may not appreciate mine. I respect the OP and know that she will read all perspectives and make her own wise choice. This is what the forum is about, offering different perspectives.. and they are all of equal value. respectfully, blender

Trust YOURSELF, your instincts, and take care of you and your son. Do not rush into getting married, and be careful about how much you involve your son in another adults life if you are not feeling "secure and trustful" about the relationship. If your "thoughts" and "instincts" are nudging you, take a reasonable consideration of those "feelings". We have instincts for a reason. If your "gut" is telling you that living with this cloud of what if he cheats with a man, or when will he cheat with man, or what hasn't he told me, or why didn't he tell me sooner before we moved in together and my precious son was involved in his life.. well those are sincere concerns, and as much as you wish to sweep them under the carpet at times, it's important to seek some guidance in how to deal with these concerns, or at the very least, use these instincts as a reason to take your time maybe be on your own for awhile and re-discover that you are and your son are okay, wonderful and can be happy on your own. The answer is not going to come from this guy, it has to come from inside you, and if you are okay living with this "fear" deep down in your heart that he "might" cheat, based on the fact that he did make a choice to withhold information, I know he has "reasons" for doing so, but those should have been not as important as the "honesty" needed in a mature, loyal, respectful relationship especially once you were making plans of living together and possilbly building a life involving your son. I know this is all so complicated and your heart and mind are sometimes on two different streets, so it's important to have those on the same page as far as "giving yourself and your son" into a situation that YOU are having some justifiable "fears and concerns" about. There are no gaurentees in any relationship, but it's very important to feel at peace in your heart and comfort in the fact that there are no secrets, and you can feel confident in the fidelity of your relationship without "fears". And right now it's very apparent that you "want" to feel good about all this, but the FACT is you are not feeling so sure.. and that kind of stress is not good for you or your son, or for building a healthy relationship upon. Again, "HE" can not provide you with any guarentees, only YOU will know if deep in your heart you feel honestly confident and loyalty without a looming fear of cheating at some point... it's too high a price to pay when we feel that there is some constant underlying fear.. you deserve to live a quality, joyful, confident, secure, reassuring life with someone whom you can trust, love, respect, and who will cherish you not only through words, and the fact that he "needs" you, but because it's just the way HE is in all relationships in his life, it's either the quality of his character or it's not. Life patterns are usually in place within someone's life style long before you get involved with them, and those are "powerful patterns" and past behavior is the BIGGEST indicator of future behavior. Just like an alcoholic who really wants to quit drinking can create a new life pattern of sobriety, well he has to want to do so for HIMSELF, and until he has some "sober time" under his belt it's best for him to NOT get involved in a relationship until he can prove to HIMSELF that his "life pattern" has changed because HE did so for HIMSELF. This is what I mean, how long has he gone WITHOUT being flirtatious, involved or stimulated by a "man"? If he truly wants to "change his life pattern of sexual choices and behavior" what has he done for HIMSELF to show that he really wants and will implement this change in his life? And alcoholic who is trying to be "sober" does not go to bars every week while he is trying to "change his life pattern" and seek sobriety.. and so if your guy is still looking a gay male porn, what indication does that give you that he is really wanting to "let go" of that part of his life? And again how many years has he AUTHENTICALLY PRACTICED his "sobriety" and his respectful honest desire to want to be letting go of his "male sexual interest"? If his behavior and choices indicate that he can not fully "let go" of this "interest and stimulation" even though he SAYS he's "over it".. well then much like an alcoholic who loves to be "drunk" but really doesn't want to do it again..would NOT be going to bars or buying bottles of alcohol "just to look at for fun" because then he is willingly putting himself in a stimulating situation and it's "too risky" right now, a man who was really trying to "change his pattern" would remove the temptation for a long time and work on his issues before he felt strong enough and empowered to be "sober" on his own free will.. and if HE is not taking these steps, (not talking about them but actually removing the stimulation from his environment as much as he reasonably can) well then you do have a justifiable, reasonable, respectful instinct/fear that should be listened to, for the sake of your own heart and that of your son. I understand that he really wants to be faithful to you, and by his own words wants to leave that "gay side of his life" as a distant memory, but it's not so "distint" just yet.. not based on his choices or behavior in continuing to indulge in gay male porn. And I know you love him and want to believe that it will all be okay, and perhaps it will, but there needs to be the indication through his behavior that he is making this change because it is what HE really wants in HIS life, whether you were involved with him or not..right? If he says he's wants to make this change for YOU, that is NOT a healthy reason, he needs to want to make this change for himself, on his own, even if he were single. That is the true indication that he wants to leave that "gay life" in the past...and for right now it doesn't seem that he's taken the active behavioral steps to incorporate a strickly "heterosexual history" for that long a time so far... and anyone will tell you that this needs to happen "before" he gets involved with someone...especially you and your son. If you are sincerely okay with him being bi-sexual, then that is your choice, and if that works for your heart, then fine. Or if you desire for your own emotional security that he is okay with being "faithful and living a monogomous heterosexual life" then he needs to show the "behavioral choices" to indicate that he is sincerely wanting to do so. And it would be preferable if he had worked through these issues and made this change on his own and lived it for a year or so out of choice "before" he made the decision to get involved with you, and could then make a reasonable, and realistic, honest, open, loving sincere commitment to you. I hope it all works out for both of you and your son..because where there is love, honesty, intention, and sincere behavior that indicates the "effort" to want to work through things, you can work through this, but you need the 'honest character qualities to be in place" first, and you can take some time to discover if these qualities authentically exsist, or they don't. Be honest with yourself. best, blender

QUOTE: I have to say I do love myself when I am with him. He makes me feel beautiful, sexy, appreciated, like I am number one to him. That is important. But, what I don't like is when I tell him something he has to double check my answer. He does not take my comment or answer as being accurate. END QUOTE Carlenandrea, if you "love yourself" then you will learn that you want to be with someone who respects what you say, and trusts your words, and your feelings even if you are "hesitiant" at times to fully be "okay" with all the information he has given you. Don't confuse "loving yourself" with feeling like being "with him" makes YOU feel well, your words: "He makes me feel beautiful, sexy, appreciated, like I am number one to him.." hopefully you feel complete, beautiful, sexy and can appreciate YOURSELF and feel full, and at peace on your own as women and being a mother gives you even more love and validation in your life.. it's important to be at peace in your heart about who he is in your life, and to also be at peace with what you believe his "potential" is in being faithful to you, not only based on fear from your own past of having been cheated on, but more importantly based on your "intincts" and on the "history" that you have with HIM already: what has he shown you of his character? Has he been faithful? Has he been with you while he was with someone else on the side, (male or female) yet still able to look in your eyes and be intimate with you? See these are "signs" of his character... so if he has "confessed" about his sexuality or experiments, and he is seeking your forgiveness and understanding, then hopefully he is showing he is serious by seeking some therapy for himself and for the both of you so you can "honestly" grow through this to build a life.. no more "wondering, worrying" but instead "working together through therapy" to understand the very complex issues you are facing.. do this for the love of yourself, your son, and each other.. If he is NOT actively seeking some therapy to deal with his issues, then how does he plan on "controling urges" he didn't have the emotional tools to deal with and control in the past...have the just "gone away".. has he gotten some therapy? Be honest with yourself and with him.. YOU are worthy of an intentional, non-dramatic, respectful, trusting, healthy, honest love.. and hopefully you want that for yourself, and he wants to be "emotionally honest and healthy enough" to share that with you.. but it seems he made need some therapy in working through all that...

Poochie, wondered how you are doing.. and to remind you to give yourself a break, and try not to compare and despair, you are worthy of a healthy intentional respectful love and it will be in your life, when you are emotionally ready for it, trust this, it will happen.. I'm sorry about your job, but who knows finding a new job might be FATE'S way of putting you on a new path to a new love.. and you are sooo young, 32 is the new 22, so relax, breathe, and sometimes we have to cry a river in order to swim to the better side of ourselves and our life.. the best is ahead for you...

It's absolutely correct you can not "tell him who he is", but you can discover who YOU are, and what is okay for you inside your own heart. There are no "guarentees" here, for a successful relationship, you can only take it one day at a time, and make choices that are based on "truth"..YOUR truth. Professional therapist always say: that past behavior is a big indicator of future behavior. So if you want to understand as much as you can about him and who he may be, then look at his past, has been a "cheater", in his past relationships, has he sought therapy to better understand himself? This kind of 'self work" on his part would indicate that he sincerely wants to be able to committ, and work on a relationship, but if just "says" he wants to do this, yet he has not taken any "steps" to seek therapy and to find himself, well then I understand your hesistating. You can also seek therapy for yourself, to work through your fears, your own thoughts and insecurities.. and maybe the two of you can go to therapy together. It's worth doing all you can to understand YOURSELF and each other... You are precious, and so is your son, you deserved to be cherished, respected, and told the truth. Only you will know if it is "right" for your life to make a commitment to this man.. and if his days of "expermenting" are over... For today, the best step to take is to seek some therapy for yourself, so you can talk it through with an objective person who will help you work through your own issues regarding this relationship. You can continue to love this man, try to understand yourself and the effect this relationship is having on your life. And if are willing to accept this man as he is, past included. You're dealing with so much information, it takes time to process all of it, and to also to do so in a loving understanding way, but all the while making sure you and your son are the priority here. If your boyfriend bringing up "his past" during an intimate time is disturbing for you, then let him know "the timing" makes you uncomfortable, and no you can not tell him who he is, but that for right now you are working on acceptance, and if you can fully let go of his past and move forward with him, and as patient as you are willing to be with him, he needs to make an effort to do the same with you. If you think that "resentment" is building in you due to the fact that he made a choice to "reveal" some shocking details about his past "after" you and your son moved in with him, well that's to be expected. Because it would have been nice and respectful, kind and loving to have his "honesty" before he involved two peoples lives into his so deeply. and now you have so much information to process, and respectfully it's quite normal for you to be experiencing some doubts... but HE can not resolve these for you, you can only do so by finding out what is 'okay and healthy" for you and your son in the long run. Either you feel you can trust him based on the "truth" and you feel at peace in your heart and you trust him and yourself to be faithful, sincere, honest and open with each other and build a life together based on love, trust, kindness, respect. OR, you may make the mistake of staying with him out of "fear" of losing what you "hoped could be", this is not a reason to stay.. You have to find in your heart that you "want to stay" because it feels real, honest, trustworthy, mature, respectful, loving, and realistic, for you and your son. so take some time to talk to a therapist and to work through all your thoughts, fears, expectations, needs, insecurities, so that you can make an informed, wise, self loving choice based on what is best for you and your son... This man seems to love you, but most importantly do you feel you love yourself when you are with him?

If you are still emotionally vulnerable then it's best to go no contact, and to let go with love for YOURSELF. there is no healthy reason for you to be staying friends with your ex at this time, it's not sincere, because you are "pretending to be okay with just being his buddy" when deep in your heart you hope for more, and this "lying to yourself just to keep him in your life" will only prolong your healing process. It's fine to "let go, and go "no contact", and still have some "hope" that the ex may discover in time some "authentic feelings for you".. but you remove the opportunity of this by now choosing to define yourself as a "buddy" in his life. All the while you heart is aching...that's not fair to you. So why do this to yourself? What do you hope to gain in the long run? YOU are worthy of a loving, loyal, wonderful man in your life.. but first you need to heal from this "loss of what you hoped could be" and to get into the "acceptance" that for right now "it isn't as you hoped".. yes that is so painful, but try to separate the "feelings from the facts". Feelings: "you hoped he (or whomever you will choose to love, now or in the future) would be exclusively with you, respect you, and have share love with you. FACT: He's not ready to give this to you, and he's seeing someone else, and YOU are worthy of setting some boundaries, standards and values for your own heart, by letting go, and no longer giving him the honor of your presense in his life as it is proving to be too painful for you. If the ex is not making an intentional loving effort to be in your life working on being an exclusive couple with YOU, and that is in FACT what you really want, then it's time to feel all your feelings, work through them with friends, family, or with us here, and to let go, heal, move on, and re-gain your sense of self. yes this is very difficult to do, but the "right thing" to do usually IS the most difficult. Take some time to cry, cry, cry, we've all been there, get a new hobby, learn a new language, take a cooking class, do anything that widens YOUR world...celebrate YOU and all the wonderful possiblities in your own future. He does NOT hold the key to your happiness (although right now it "seems" as if he does, he does NOT), only YOU hold that key, all the hopes, dreams, that you "attached" to your image of him, are still alive, those are YOUR hopes and dreams, and you get to take them with you, re-attach them to yourself and your own life journey. He can not live up to your image of him anymore, he just can't do it.. that's not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you, he's just not "thee guy" for you right now... you'll be okay, sometimes in life we just have to be sad for awhile.. but you have the strength to go through all this, and come out of it more wise, more confident, and attract some great men into your life.. one who will cherish you as you deserve to be cherished. You can tell him in a honest caring way: "I can't be "friends" right now, it's too confusing, and since you are involved with someone else it's better for me to move on, out of self respect, and if in time you should discover you want to make an intentional effort to work on us as a couple, then you may contact me, for now it's best that I let go, I wish you happiness, and I hope you can understand and respect my needing to go "no contact" and please know you may only contact me if your intention is to work on "us" as a couple." Something along those lines is tough to say, but in the long run it is the most self empowering, self loving, mature, attractive and healing thing for you to do.. IF you agree with those sentiments..of course it's up to you.. I'm so sorry you are hurting, so many of us know how you feel, so many have gone down this road, and please trust that the best is ahead of you, not behind you.. try not to look in that rearview mirror too long, it only causes us to emotionally crash, instead look ahead, grab the steerwheel of YOUR life, and don't "idle in the same spot, (by being his buddy right now) it'll ruin your "battery/energy".. drive forwards, with confidence, self respect, and take your time to heal and grow past all this into the wonderful life and love waiting in your future. And who know one of your future loves may even be your ex, but you have to move forward to "disocover" yourself first, and then he or any wonderful sincere loving man can then "discover" YOU. best, blender

Everything you are describing from your "first thought" and the excitement, and readiness, is NORMAL, AND NATURAL you can already see a change in just the last few years..right? So trust that you are healthy, you're fortunate to be physically excited and raring to go..all the while being respectful and aware... it's so GREAT that you are aware and respectful of her feelings as well.. this combined with your natural physical progression is a wonderful maturing direction to be going.. be proud of yourself, relax, enjoy yourself and respect yourself and her, and just go with it, and if you "finish before you want to" then just say to her, "you're so sexy, I can't help myself...and keep kissing and loving her during this "post" moments.. and as you've experienced it leads to another "round" so to speak...and if it doesn't that's okay too.. there is always "next time"... Remember growing up physically and emotionally is not a 'sprint" it's a "marathon" so pace yourself, and give yourself some credit for just being healthy and normal... You will look back at this time in your life when your fifty and say 'that was so wonderful".... so enjoy it, don't try to "hurry up" and change it...you're doing fine, just fine...

Don't take any of those herbal supplements, they can have a long term side effect, and you have to remember that a guy at your age is going to naturally not last too long, it's just a sign of how healthy you are, and you can also tell your girlfriend, she's so sexy you can't help it.. because the fact is, it's not really something you can control easily at your age.. it takes time, and using your "mind" during the act to "as they say, think of baseball" for a few minutes.. (keep this thought to yourself of course) and you will eventually learn how to "hold off" a bit longer the first time around by using your mind to slow you down a bit, but this takes some "practice".. so don't worry about "finishing to fast" it's NORMAL AND NATURAL at your age to be experiencing this. don't mess with medicines, or herbal remedies, even thought the herbal stuff is listed as "natural" (remember even cocaine comes from a plant) any "natural herb" still has the potential to be harmful on your "bodies natural progression" so be careful, and just relax, and have a sense of humor and truthfullness about the whole thing, it's a normal phase, enjoy it, and give yourself a break on how much pressure you choose to focus on the "if only" and just think instead: "how wonderful we have this chemistry together, and it will only get better with time, understanding and love". Talking about it too much will only take away the joy of just going with the flow, so what if you finish earlier than you'd like, you can still both love and encouarge, respect and enjoy each other.. there's no absolute way it has to go... so keep the communication and fun alive.. it's healthy and normal to experience this phase in your physically testoterone changing growing male body... dont' change it, go with it.. and in time you will see how wonderful it is to just be YOU... and respect her feelings at the same time.. you just adjust and take care of yourself and each other..

If you stay with someone because you choose to, even knowing that the "facts" about the relationship are in contrast to your "feelings". then you can only "betray yourself".. with "hope" that it might change.. but in "accepting" the person as who they revealed themselves to be through thier "pattern". well there is nothing you can do but choose to stay, or let go with love..

yes, the urges for "contact" are merely a temporary emotional fix, only to lead us back to the "acceptance" that it's time to "let go" for today.. the highs and lows are like waves hitting a shore, so just remember that those "lows" will receed, each time getting less and less as you continue to make a more self respecting choice to maintain no contact and get busy with your own life, self improvement, self work, and the future will be full of miracles for you. because our real pain is prolonged with "resistance" It is in "acceptance" that we begin to heal, grow, and celebrate all the possiblities outside the "emotional habit" we have allowed the ex to become in our lives.. it's all about choice on how you look at it.. so try "acceptance" for a few days, do nothing regarding HER, and just do things that are about making yourself feel happy and whole on your own.. this is the most attractive, healing, empowering thing to do.. and yes at first it is the most difficult thing to do.. but without doing the self work, the letting go, the acceptance, the realizing that you are NOT interested in anyone who is no longer willing to make an intentionaly loving loyal effort to be in YOUR life.. unless you realize all this and love yourself, you will never be able to fully be ready to love on a mature, secure, loyal, joyful, respectful and self respecting long lasting love.. and this is what you deserve so hold your head up high, accept things just as they are, and you will see how much better you will feel...and how attractive you will become to wonderful, emotionally sound, loyal, self respecting women... best, blender

Well, sometimes we just get these "emotional lessons" in life so we are forced at some point to "look at ourselves" and in doing so we can make a choice to do the "self work" involved to grow, learn, and try a new attitude towards life and love. This may be the big reason that fate put this relationship and all it's complications into your life.. now it's your choice to value this gift of a "lesson" and grow from all this.. no more looking in the rearview mirror, it only causes us to crash emotionally, so remember the road you've been down and use it to guide you to a better, more mature, more emotionallly evovled, self respecting, YOU. For now it's important to "forgive yourself" and to let go of what "might have been" and to be in "acceptance" of what is now and why it's all happened and to learn from it, and now take that "self realization" forward into your life.. and new loves.. And as far as she is concerned, the fact that you express that "I have no interest in ever being with her again because I can't stand the idea of her child or the father." Well, yikes, then you don't want to be in contact with her at all, unless you can truly be an honest, loving, kind, reassuring friend to her.. because if you love someone you would be willing to "accept" them as they are, (of course this starts with loving yourself and accepting who YOU are) and if this were meant to be with her, then you would joyfully embrace her and her new baby with love, acceptance, respect and gratitude, and if you are not able to do so emotionally then that is your choice, so live by this choice and let go of her with love and respect... Because right now you can be honest with yourself, and for this part of her life, she needs love, understanding, and patience from someone who can give this without resentments....

My response to this thread is just a different perspective, and I felt it important to address specifically what you posted, and you made it clear that you have been intimately involved with him and in love with him for over a year, and you and your son moved in with him ten months ago.. and that you had asked on several occasion about his "history' and he made a choice at the time to not be honest, okay.. but then "recently" he finally gave you more "details (some) on his history" I personally don't know why he won't trust you to let you know the "person's name" who he was involved with...but I understand if you are okay with not knowing.. but after he revealed all this reacently you said it made you "wonder, think, consider" if this information was okay for you..(this is understandable) . and so far you're still not sure if he's "sure" about some things... even though he expresses that he is, YOU are still "not sure" if you are okay with all this, and yes I know you "want to be okay with it".. but you deserve to take all the time you need to consider everything, this is the loving, respectful thing for you to do, for yourself and for him, and most importantly for your son.. You want to feel good inside your heart and mind that you can fully trust what he says, and who he is, it's important to feel "contentment and trust in your heart" when making the important choice to get married, and to add/change to your life and your son's life, and there is no "emergency" to rush this, so take your time, keep talking to each other, discussing openly your fears, insecurities, issues, etc.. making it a safe place to be honest with each other without judgement.. and hopefully coming to a clear realization that there is honestly, trust, choice, and respectful consideration with each other.. and that you are both fulfilled by being together. And most importantly remembering what you "hope and wanting" this relationship to be is matching up with what "actually really is" within this relationship..meaning feelings and facts about the relationship being cohesive and comfortable within your own heart... that is all I was expressing... because you need to be okay with who YOU are and what YOU are feeling, and he needs to be the same about himself, then and only then are you building love on a strong respectful foundation as an example for your precious son.. and yourself. If you feel in your heart that he has been honest with you, and you feel "trusting and comfort" in your own mind regarding all this, that is when you'll know what you want to do.. it starts with not only his honesty, but you being honest with yourself and what you are comfortable with...for you and for your son.. And this is in no way about "gender/gay/hetero" I was just expressing that it's about "trust and honesty and contentment in your own heart" that this (recent honest information on his part) is all okay for YOU... I wish you, him, and your son so much love and goodness..no matter what the outcome is...best, Blender

QUOTE: (NyGentleman)writing all this im thinking wow this girl is really a wacko and prob not my best choice and i guess what burns me up is she was making all the decisions, and i was left alone in all this to just take it. (END QUOTE) After reading your last post, this paragraph jumped out at me, it's so revealing, as to who you "hoped' she 'could" be, in contrast to what her "behavior" is truly revealing as to who she is, and where she is "emotionally right now" in her life, AND also what YOU would allow to yourself to go through... You said, "i was left alone in all this to just take it.". This is not accurate, because if you want to really have a mature, loving, long lasting relationship with anyone, the first thing you have to do is be "emotionally responsible" for YOURSELF.. and you were not "left alone in all this to just take it".. YOU made a CHOICE to "just take it", you are still in her life, not because she "makes you do that" but because you "choose to be".. this is about having emotional responsibilty for YOUR own choices. the fact is, although there are "feelings" involved, you still always have a 'CHOICE" to make decisions based on 'self respect" and not just based on what you "hope" or "want".. You can't just deny her words, and choices and choose to only focus on her "weak and tender" moments, so you can allow yourself to "hope".. instead include all the things you know, include all the facts, and try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" so that you can in a self respecting way make better choices for your heart and respect hers at the same time.. and sometimes this means, "letting go". Once she repeated the behavior and the words a few times of: "nervous look again, i dont think i can be serious with anyone right now..." Those are pretty CLEAR SIGNALS.. right? Why ignore them and continue to be "just there" in her life? Because If you were acting and making choices based on "self respect and also truly "hearing" her" well, you would then have the self respecting option to say to her: "You've told me you are not "ready to be serious" so I will respect that, I hope you can then respect the fact that I will now move on and I wish you only the best, and you know how to contact me if and or when you discover that you do want to take what we share seriously, but until then, respectfully I have to move on, because it's not okay for me to just "be there" while you are sitting on the fence, because I care for you too much and I respect myself enough to not allow myself to be just a "temporary emotional bridge" in your life, so I'm sure you can understand that if or until you are fully wanting to intentionally work on us being a couple, it's better that we don't have contact right now, so I can move on and heal, and you can go find what it is you need in your own life as well." Saying the above to her, is the self loving, honest, realistic, respecting way to set some values/standards for your own heart, and if you don't do so, trust the fact that no one else will learn to "value your heart" either.. this is all about YOU changing YOUR pattern in this "unhealthy habit' that this relationship/friendship has become.. And if she does not respond in an understanding way to YOUR setting some self respecting value for yourself, and your relationship with her, then thank god you discover this now, so you can no longer waste energy, hope, and your heart on someone who does not know how to respect and value you as you should be.. staying with someone who does not respect and value you on a consistent level.. well that is YOUR choice to do, but it's not a healthy one.. and it doesn't build any thing on a "strong foundation", instead it's just a shaky, temporary, power struggle, and that is no where near "love"... So for today "love yourself enough" to not take what she says or does "personally" and just know that what she is doing is all about HER, her own life pattern, and it says so much more about how "emotionally mixed up" she is right now, then it will ever say about you. After all the fact is, you've been there for her, you've shown her respect, affection, and she's just in a emotional place right now that is "selfish and unsure" so it's best for you to let go for awhile, step back, and write down all your "feelings/hopes" about her and this relationship on a piece of paper, and then on a separate piece write down all the "facts" about her and this relationship, and then see how many from each page actually match up.. (don't make excuses for her, just write down the reality of all this so far) seperating feelings from facts will allow you to re-gain some perspective. remember there is no real need for you to send her any long emails right now, it's not about "changing her" at this point, it's about controlling the only thing you have power over and that is YOURSELF and YOUR OWN choices..respect yourself, hear her clearly, and let go with respect and love.. this is the most empowering, attractive, healing thing to do... Hope this was of some help... best, Blender