blender

Bluesea, the best thing you can do right now is to get some therapy for yourself, in talking to a therapist you can sort through some different options on how to approach not only your marriage, but the rest of your life on a day to day basis. Right now you have to accept that you are powerless over how your wife is choosing to behave, defend, hide behind a tough exterior.. she's obviously hurting, or just shut down in some way, but only SHE can make a choice to "work on herself" and the most powerful, attractive, healing thing for you to do is to seek your own therapy. This will empower you, and also be an example to her, that YOU are willing to take action in your own life, and the only way to improve all relationships in your life is to do your own 'self work and discovery'.. and you're being honest when you say "it's not the sex you want it, it's her"... But first there has to be a confident, emotionally settled YOU. And you can do this through therapy, search on the internet in your area, find a therapist who specializes in "marriage therapy"...even if you are going on your own, it will be the first "emotional brick" in your own loving foundation.. you start building back from there. The past three years of growing "distant from each other in the marriage" will not be resolved overnight, or in a discussion, there's been some emotional walls built up, part of the "survival instinct" when we separate from our core emotions just to get by day to day, and we may start to think the solution will come from the "other person" or from "outside of ourselves". The healing starts with you, within you, finding your own answers and how to approach this in a healthy, non-needy, non-defensive way, but instead to be able to find out where YOU stand in the big picture of YOUR life, and then setting about speaking your truth and then be willing to live within it, and hopefully when you get stronger, more focused on your own life, your wife will follow, if not, well by then you will have more "emotional tools" as to how to make a choice about whether you stay in the marriage or not... If you want to save your marriage, then the first step is to save yourself, find yourself, seek therapy to talk out all that you are feeling and why, and then you can approach your wife not "asking her for something" but instead expressing YOUR truth in a constructive way that may open the doors to her heart again. It's not about "seduction".. it's about understanding yourself, and then through therapy, getting a better understanding of what might be going on in her head, why her defense mechinism kicks in when the marriage is discussed, and getting your own therapy, so you can be an example to her, to your children and to yourself through getting your own thoughts, feelings, out in the best most constructive way. If she won't go to therapy, then simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I need to go for my own sake, and if you ever want to join me, I'd welcome it". Then you go, get help for yourself.. and trust that once you find "your own truth" within all this, the rest will fall into place.. and you will be so happy you didn't take a passive role in your own life, remember this is YOUR life, it's not a dress rehearsal.. so make the best of it by healing yourself first. This is love. Best, Blender

Try not to fear the future, his or yours... the best is ahead of you, not behind you, he was meerly a "speed bump" in your life, one that caused you to slow down a bit, enjoy some scenery, and now it's time to grieve the loss of your marriage, it seems you were still so sad about it even when you met this guy.. so you are probably having some "heartache" that includes other losses in your life... and it's all being attached to this guy... Your feelings are real, and yes it's very tough to "change all the dreams and hope you've attached to this guy"..but you can change your thought pattern.. you do have a choice.. because as it is said: "In life heartache is inevitable but suffering is a choice". Yes, you did put so much "hope and dreams" into the "potential" with this guy, but those are "feelings"... try to start looking at the "facts".. it will help alleviate your desperate longing if you can separate your "feelings from the facts".. we've all been there, it's difficult, but when someone is not willing to make an intentional loving effort to be in your life in a loving respectful loyal committed way, well then it's important to say to yourself: "he's not the guy for me".. because YOU deserve a man who even after two months will, at the very least, "make a choice to put in a willing effort to build more of a relationship".. and the FACT is right now this guy is just incapable of giving you what YOU so rightly deserve. He's said so himself... but do NOT take this "personally" it's just where this guy is emotionally right now in his life.. so "start no contact" so you don't "associate yourself" with trying to invade on his space.. he's not ready..it'll only make him pull further away.. and anyway, you deserve someone who is ready. There's no blame, there's no one "better" than you.. he's just "not willing or ready".. so the most powerful, attractive, healing thing for you to do is to "let go, maintain no contact" get back to trying to "love yourself first". get some therapy to help you through those "feelings of loss", it's an emotionally difficult time for you, but you have the courage, the strength, to rise above this, to know that you are worthy of a wonderful, kind, respectful man who is MAKING AN INTENTIONAL LOYAL EFFORT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE.. anything less..is "less"... and you deserve so much more. So instead of "fearing that he might meet someone else"... stop thinking about HIS future, and start embracing and celebrating YOUR future, with "acceptance" you will heal, grow, and move on to a better, more fulfilling love.. it's waiting for you.... so try to stop looking in the rear view mirror, it will only cause you to emotionally crash.. instead grab hold of the steering wheel of your life and look straight ahead, and you'll be surprised what wonderful miracles and love and on that road, which FATE is nudging you towards.. even if it has to do so by "using heartache" to get you there.. you're on your way to better things.. and a better, more independent you. Be proud, you will get through this, you're strong, and you should not waste your energy, mind, or heart on any man who is "not sure" about what he "might" want in the future, and who has said he doesn't have "those feelings" for you.. let go and let god. cry, vent on here, embrace your heartache, learn from it, you're going to be okay...even better. All the hopes and dreams you attached to this guy, are still very much alive, they are YOUR hopes and dreams you get to take them with you.. and you will find a man who shares the same hopes and dreams...

Would you want your own future daughter to stay with a man who kicked her and beat her after he pushed her down... would you tell your own sister, daughter, friend, well you slapped him so he was right to push you down, kick you and disrespect you... NO.. you would not... nothing you described here has anything to do with healthy mature respectful love... please get some help, and do so for YOURSELF, not for him.. he's on his own self destructing path, and ONLY HE can choose to save himself....

And the most important thing you expressed in so many words is that you and this woman do NOT share the same "values/standards" for defining a relationship. It's hard to respectfully embrace the idea of a woman who would willingly accept flowers from a married man, or talk to him as "a friend" when she knows that this would be hurtful to his wife, and it's not in any way respecting of "marriage'.. in good shape or in trouble, when someone is married a "respectful, values driven woman would NOT be involved in any way.... unless she was also friends with his wife, and was honest about all and any communication between him and herself. So no matter how much you are hoping to repair whatever is going on between the two of you, it's probably a good time for you to instead ask yourself why you are willing to be involved wiith a woman who does not respect someone else's marriage? Is that okay for you? Is this a good example of a woman's lack of values for your own children... yes I know they don't know, but they will sense your anxiety and resentment, and that is not good for them.. and I'm sure you want to put them first, right? So please take some time to ask yourself what you respect, admire, and love about his woman.. and does it fall within your own values and standards in love and life?

Well, you get what you are willing to receive, and you are making a choice to stay in a disrespectful, unloving relationship with this man.. so that must be what you want... if not, then leave him. It's not your fault about how he chooses to behave, it's not about "blame" it's about "reality" and the real truth here is, he's not interested in the same kind of love you are, he's an unhealthy rageful man.. and you are making a choice to lower yourself to compromise yourself, this is NOT love, it's an emotional illness... please seek some therapy and leave this man...

The best kind of doctor to see for back pain is a "board certified Osteopath".. unlike chiropractors, an Osteopath has gone to medical school, and can manipulate the body in the proper educated careful healing way..that is safest way to avoid any back surgery. Also unlike a chiropractor, "physical therapy" can be prescribed by an "Osteopath" and your insurance will pay for it... If you are experiencing a "sharp lower back pain" then that is usually a nerve being compressed, if it is a "dull ache to lower back" then it's most likely you've pulled a muscle, and it's best to rest in either case, take it easy, no twisting or getting up suddenly, and if you can tolerate aspirin, it's a great "anti-inflammatory" and also a bath full of "epsom salts" (you can get this at any drug store) relaxed pulled and tense muscles.. take care, and try to seek an appointment with an "Osteopath" in your area, just make sure he is "board certified" and has a good reputation, so you can get some "perscribed physical therapy"... you want to avoid any surgery on your back... so get some physical therapy, it's the BEST STATISICALLY HEALING method for Back injuries... As far as "positions of comfort" go, lie down on the floor, and put something under your legs, like the couch seat level, so your knees are bent as if you were sitting in a chair, but you are lying on your back, supporting your legs in a bent knee position on something level to the back of your knees... this will alleviate any pressure on nerves and muscles..

There is no good, healthy, mature, respectful or loving reason for YOU to stay involved with this man in any way. None. NO reason to stay. Violence has no place within "love". No excuses, no explanations, none, time for you to gather up all your self respect, and to walk away... let go, get some therapy for yourself... It's a new beginning for you, not an "ending".. It's time to stop, and NO LONGER make a choice to add to your "regret list" in life, you experienced a violent episode with this man, and now HE doesn't want to give YOU a chance???????? Give YOURSELF a chance and get away from him and find some help for yourself.. so you might find out why you are wanting to lose your sense of self, and to lose your temper, or to tolerate him losing his and hurting you, emotionally, phyiscally...why would this be "okay" for you? it's not. get away from him... and go find out who YOU are and work on whom you wish to become in life... you deserve time to heal your heart, move on, and make a better life for yourself.. go to link removed scroll down and read about your situation type.. it will help you re-gain some perspective...

Do you have a choice? Really, think about this, you can not make someone love you the way you want them to... it's unattractive to attempt to, you're worthy of someone who does so because it's how they feel and what they want.. and not because you guilt them into it, or use words to make them defensive, or because you refuse to accept them at thier word... or because you keep trying "new tricks or approaches" to win them back.. this is not a healthy mature approach.. okay? So try a new self empowering approach of "no contact" and no announcing anything to him.. no response, no contact. Looking through all your threads, I know you've already tried different things, and for now the most healing, attractive, self empowering thing for you to do, is to cry, be in acceptance that HE can not be the man you "hoped and thought he could be".. and that's okay, you will be okay, he's NOT THEE one for you...YOU are now going to choose that he's not for you...think of it that way..okay? YOU are going to make this choice based on his behavior, his lack of effort, and his making a choice to break up... so no more contact.. none. There is no good healthy reason to discuss any of this with HIM anymore.. this is NOW about talking to YOURSELF, beefing up your own self worth, the healing starts inside of YOU.. not by what he does or doesnt' say, or what he knows or understands or whatever.. if you love him, let him go... If you love yourself, let him go. and as far as other people go, from now on if someone asks about him, or about you and him, just say, "wow, that's been an emotional roller coaster, one that I finally made a choice to get off of, and I wish him only the best". That is the truth, the classy, self respecting truth... in time you will look back and see this relationship as a "speed bump" on the road that is your life, you caused you to slow down a bit, hit your head on the roof of the car, knock some self respecting sense into yourself, and grab hold of the steering wheel again, and look ahead, no more looking in the rear view mirror it will only cause you to emotionally crash... look ahead, the road ahead is the path you are suppose to be on, stop resisting it... Instead choose to be in acceptance. Look ahead with courage, pride, and know that yes you will be sad for awhile because you have to mourn the loss of what you "thougth might be with him" but now you realize "it's not there with him right now"... so moving ahead, steering YOUR OWN life, will attract the right kind of emotionally sound, and loyal love into your life.. it starts with self love... and that's one baby step at a time away from the "emotional habit" you've allowed this guy to become in your life, you have the same power to break this habit, and cry, smile, cry again, but all the time moving forward with your own engine of power.... not his.. he doesn't have any fuel for you.. plain and simple.. it all is within you to heal with the help of friends, yourself, and all of us here...

Well now perhaps YOU can SEE your situation more objectively By the way, you were talking about YOUR SITUATION in that advice... remember we get the same "painful lessons over and over again in life until we make the choice to learn to not "repeat our own patterns"... so do this "differently" now, no more contact. Honestly, it's time for you to gather up all your courage, feel sad, mourn the loss of what you "hoped could be" and to now be in acceptance that it "isn't real with him"... Because for "authentic mutual love" you need two intentionally loving, loyal, self fulfilled people, to start a relationship on solid ground.. unfortunately it seems that maybe both of you were building this on "emotional quicksand"... it's says so much about the "quality" of the relationship in how we "feel' after we let go.. if we feel "desperate and angry for too long" than it's not about "love" it's more about our egos, and our "wants".. and not our "needs"... because if you really love him, and respect him, you would let go and leave him alone even if it was sad for you to do so.. that's love.

Kate, just to remind you of your OWN WORDS OF ADVICE on another thread, when someone asked "should I email".. you wrote: START QUOTE: Don't do it!! I was feeling fine yesterday until I received an email from him in response to one I sent him. Then last niht the insomnia and self doubt thoughts set back in. You will not find out anything new, it will set back your process and you will feel crappy. END QUOTE

yes, that's the truth.. aleadragonhawk, said it short and sweet.

Maybe I can answer "why it makes sense" becuase when we accept the truth, we can let go with love and heal. The man said to you clearly that he does not want a committed loving loyal relationship right now.. and it's not healthy or self respecting for YOU to stick around in "hope" that he "might" change his mind.. you're not "auditioning" for him, you care for him and you have deep feelings and hopes about him.. and yet he does not "share" these sentiments.. so in "accepting this truth" you can let go, and give him the opportunity to miss you, discover any authentic feelings he does have, or not.. and if he does, then he knows how to contact you, and if he doesn't then thank god you didn't spend any more energy, or your hopeful heart in compromising your own self respect by hanging around a well that only gives you a few drops of water once in awhile, and your thirst builds continues to build till you are so thirsty you lose your own sense of self and strength and then you are "afraid to leave the dry well" because you've lost your way.... Take care of you right now, start no contact with this guy, it's the best most healing attractive thing for you to do.. and yes it's the most difficult thing to do, but the "right" thing to do usually is the most difficult... right?

Okay, start asking YOURSELF some questions so we may be of more help: Answer these with what you will feel emotionally "afterwards". What honestly good do you see coming to YOU if you reply to him? Will you be emotionally okay if he doesn't respond to your reply? What self respecting reasons do you have for replying? list at least two? What do you HOPE would happen if you respond? What is it you wish to say to him? and Why? Imagine how wonderful you would feel if you didn't reply and you just gathered up all your courage to "accept" that he's not willing to be intentionally in a loving loyal respectful committed relationship with you.and that he is no longer worhty of your energy, anger, positive hopefulness, isn't this the your truth? Answer the above questions and then you might find out what is best for YOU to do..

yep, sometimes the truth hurts, but some people are like "alcoholics" when it comes to an ex, and the EX is the "alchohol".. they think and can't resist at times, "just one more drink" and then once I experience "another emotional hangover" then I'll know it's not good for me, and then I'll walk away.. and then, and then, and then...and then.... you eventually hopefully realize you are now "addicted to the pain" because in some false way it keeps you attached to the ex, and puts your own life on hold, and prolongs the "acceptance" and your own healing.... Trust Kate, that for now you are powerless over how this man feels and your emotions regarding him have become unmanagable... it's time to try one day at a time to "realize that he does not hold the key to your happiness"... no contact is YOUR healing choice... let go, let god... be in acceptance, it's tough, but the right thing to do is usually the most difficult.. You don't need another "drink" of him... it will only prolong your healing process, start one day at time, to NOT give in to your "feelings regarding him"..just feel them, work through them, grow past them... and heal.. move on to love again... He's just become a "bad emotinal HABIT" in your life, it's time to break this unhealthy habit and it starts with "no contact".

Hey try to be "happy with yourself now".. you're going through a heartbreak, yet you're taking some active steps to improve yourself, and do this for YOU.. all things fall into place once we finally start to take care of ourselves, forgive ourselves, love ourself, and to let go... these steps lead to "goodness in your life" one small step at a time, living in acceptance and truth, and actively making your life better, and it's not easy to do, it's like walking through emotional cement at times, but while you are building your body muscle, you are also healing and building your self confidence.. it will all be better than you ever imagined..

Yes, you will get over it, you can make a choice to "rise above it" and to accept that he is not ready for the relationship that you deserve to have in your life. Remember there are times in life where we just have to be sad for awhile, this is an opportunity to discover your own strength, to empower yourself with truth and self respect, and to celebrate your independence and all the wonderful adventures, love, and joy that YOUR future has waiting for you.. he is not the "holder of the key to your validation or happiness".. only YOU hold that key.. So hang on to it, that's yours.. all the hopes, dreams you "attached" to him, are not HIS, they are yours, you still have them, re-attach them to yourself, and your own future, and know that you only want to be with a man who shares YOUR values and standards for what you desire in a relationship... and for right now this guy does not "share" this with you... So onward, and upward, breathe, cry, feel good about yourself, and the discovery of how deeply you can love another, and love YOURSELF that way.. this is the way to let go, heal, and grow past all this.. it's takes time, but it starts with "no contact" and if you do want to reply to what he wrote to you.. just simply write: "I hope you find what you are searching for, and that you have happiness, with love, (sign your name) This is the mature, accepting, letting go, classy way to respond, and if you are not ready to respond, then just don't do anything for a few days, allow yourself to think it through to feel all your feelings, and to remember he can not "alleviate or fix how you are feeling"... that is only up to you.. take care of you for today... do not respond if you are not "emotionally sure' on how you want to do so.. there is no "emergency" here to respond to.. so just sort out your thoughts.. Write down all your 'feelings" about him and in another piece of paper write down all the FACTS about him.. see how many of these things match up.. it will help you gain some perspective...

yes, you're getting great advice from everyone, so start being in "acceptance" that for right now HE is not ready to be "buddies" with you... and yes it hurts, but it's best for you to "let go, maintain no contact" and get busy with your own life, in a self respecting, self motivating, progressing, learning, and defining YOURSELF as a class act, regardless of how he re-acts to it, as long as you feel 'proud of the way you choose to behave and you are doing so because of your own standards/values and not because you hope to provoke some response from him..well you will be okay, even better... let go for today.. and get busy with your own life.. he's not ready to be "friends"... it's too soon.. trust this, respect it, accept it, and you will start to heal..

Remember also Steve, that while you are working out, you develop more muscle mass, even if you can't see it right away, and muscle wieghs more than fat, so two pounds in a week is "amazing" because it's also taking into account the "muscle pounds you've probably gained" and the FAT you have lost, the best way to tell is the FACT that your clothes feel different.. that is the biggest indicator... and it's about "shape not wieght" because when you start working out your "weight" shifts to more appropriate places..., and you might not see the scale goes down as quickly as you will notices your shape is smaller in your tummy, and bigger in your chest...

Just hear him clearly, he's said that for right now he does not "feel the same way for you".. so the only self respecting thing to do is to "accept" this and then set a standard and value for your own heart by telling him: "As much as I'd like to stay in contact, the fact is I want more from a relationship then just "maybe my feelings will change" that's not enough for me to stay in a self respecting way, so if in time you "discover authentic feelings" for me then you may contact me, if not, then I hope you can understand it is healthiest, and best for me to move on". This is living in the truth.. and it also allows him the opportunity to discover any authentic feelings he may have.. if you stay the way things are now, you are simply lowering the standard/value on your own heart, and in the long run he will do the same, because unless you set some respectful emotional truthful boundaries on your own heart, this guy never will... why would he? He won't have to, if you allow him to be in your life in a "casual maybe sometime in the future' type of way.. by staying in contact with him while he sits on the fence... you're only helping him balance on that fence, and he won't have to jump down on either side of it where you are concerned... right? So try to remember that unless a man is making a clear intentional exclusive committed effort to be in your life in a full, loving, loyal, respectful, committed way, then he is no longer worthy of your hopeful energy, but he is worthy of your self respecting honesty to set some boundaries, guidelines, values and standards for your OWN heart by telling YOURSELF "unless he is intentionally in my life out of committed love for me, there is no healthy self respecting reason for me to stick around and be hopeful.. no thanks, I love and respect myself too much to allow that.." If he ever discovers that he wants to make a committed loving effort to be in a couple with you, he knows how to contact you..anything less..will always be "less".. and THE FACT IS YOU DESERVE MORE FOR YOURSELF.... so don't put too much of your precious heart and energy into a deep well that only has "water" once in awhile... it will only leave you feeling more thirsty as times goes on...

You're not saying YOU will DEFINITELY reconcile, you are having the self respect and maturity to ask him what "HIS" intentions are, then you and only then can you make a choice as to whether you are open to trying again or not... it's one courageous, self respecting, honest step at a time... it's about wanting to know the truth and having the courage to accept it and move on no matter what the outcome of that "truth" may be... right? If you don't set some standards/values regarding the ex and why he is contacting you.. then why would he set any standards/values for how he treats you? YOU are in control of what you are willing to risk as far as your heart goes, and if the ex is not asking, or making an intentionally clear effort to "try again" as a couple, then there is no reason for you to continue to be in contact while your heart is still too vulnerable to just be a "buddy" to him... it's important to not let yourself get "defined" as a "just a friend" when it's not emotionally sincere, and it can't be emotionally sincere friendship if deep down you are "hoping for more"... right?

It's not about what the EX thinks, it's about what YOUR truth is, if the ex is sending you a text or email explain their reasons, and yet they are NOT asking to reconcile, then it's still all about them, alleviating thier own guilt, and so you can in a self respecting way respond with: Thank you for giving me your explanation, if you are doing this because your intention is to reconcile for "us" then I would need you to clearly let me know, if not, then I wish you the best and hope you find what you are searching for.. (sign your name)

Yes, if the person who ended the relationship is "too nervous, or has too much pride or ego" to contact you, then it's not "love".. it's not mature, it's not sincere, if thier "ego or pride or stubborness" keeps them from contacting you "if" they actually have changed thier mind..well then..they must not want it bad enough.. they must value thier own ego more then their love for you, and this is NOT someone you would want to be in a relationship for long term... no matter how many excuses or understandings we can come up for as to "why" an ex who ended the relationship might not be "okay" with calling if they changed their mind.. well it doesn't matter... especially if they know you love them and you were hurt by the break up, because it's important to remember if the ex is not willing to make a mature, loving, risk taking effort to be in your life, then they are no longer worthy of your 'hoping, thoughtful energy"... plain and simple... give yourself the love and understanding you are so willing to give them.. and set a standard/value to respect your own heart, and no longer put your energy into someone who is not actively intentionally cherishing YOU.

It's not always about "understanding" why, but more importantly it's more about "acceptance" that the ex is not willing to make a loving loyal committed effort to be in your life, in a mature mutual relationship. Once you "accept" this, you can let go with love, and start no contact because it's the right healing thing to do when you are still emotionally vulnerable regarding the ex.. It gives the ex the opportunity to experience life with out you, and to "Maybe" discover if they have any authentic feelings, and if not, then you have taken the time to heal and move on.. no contact done in a loving self respecting way is a "win-win" choice, no matter what the outcome is regarding the ex... either they make a choice to contact you with a clear intention of working on the relationship, or they don't either way during the "no contact" you are grieving, healing, and moving on... Sometimes we never truly understand "why" they left us, but it's in "acceptance" of the choice they made that leads to our healing.

You get that strength from your own TRUTH, this situation is not healthy or right for you or for your children, remain calm in your own truth, and make an emotional plan for yourself to ask this man to leave so that you may have time to figure out your own life... no need to ask him about this or that, his ACTIONS AND CHOICES OF BEHAVIOR are all the information you need to know that the RIGHT THING to do right now, no matter how difficult is to ask him to leave. YOU'VE had the strength to get out of your previous horrible unhealthy marriage, you can be strong enough now to set some standards for your own heart, and life, especially for your children, if they are indeed your priority, then use that TRUTH to give you the courage to ask him to leave... but have a plan first, make sure your bank accounts are secure, and your locks are changed, and you have a friend with you when you ask him to leave... yes, these are things you have to do in order to secure the financial safety of your own life, and the emotional long term safety of you and your children. take one step at a time to be "pro-active and take control of your own life".. you will feel empowered by this, the heartache will subside, being at the mercy of this emotionally unhealthy man is not fair to do to yourself or your children.... he's dishonest, confused, untrustworthy, and it doesn't matter "why" he's this way, the fact is, he has revealed he IS this way.. so now gather up all your courage and make a plan for yourself, having "truth" as your guide... okay? Can you call a friend to help you with this plan?

This is not about what he does or doesn't do, it's about what standards/values you desire in a relationship and it seems he does not "share these same standards/values".. and it's time for YOU, to put you and your children first, and to let go of a man who is not capable of clearly knowing who he is right now.. he is most likely not being honest with himself, so how can he ever be honest with you? Set some standards/values for your own precious mind, heart and body, and do not choose to stay involved with a man who is "expermenting" while your heart, mind and body are not a priority in his life..... is this what you would want for your own children's future relationships? I don't think so.. take care of you and your children right now, this guy needs some therapy and it can not come from you.. he has to seek it out from a professional and get is life in order before he could ever be fully honest and available for another person..