blender

It's okay, it's normal and also healthy to have "big plans" because you deserve to have 'big plans for yourself".. and it starts with a "big emotional plan" to forgive yourself, love yourself, do well for YOU... so for today, set a goal, a small goal, whether it be dying your hair, or putting some extra money into your savings account, just do something for YOU. And if you do have anything of his, a great healing ritual is to go around the house gather any "reminders" put them all in a box, tape it up, put it in the back of your garage... and then light some "sage" in the house and burn a little bit of it... it will release any negative energy (that's what the mystics say, anyways) but any kind of healing, self empowering, nice and easy type of "letting go" in any symbolic way will help you to heal... And remember YOU are choosing to no longer be in a relationship with anyone who is not willing to make a loving, kind, sincere, mature, healthy, honest, committed intentional effort to be in YOUR life... so dont' think of it as "him leaving you".. instead just know that YOU are worthy of a better relationship and if you have to experience some heartache over this guy to get to a better, more fulfilled, healthy, realistic, mature, non-violent, respectful love, then this "heartache" is all worth it...

Yes, have the self respect to NOT leave yourself in "wonder or doubt" but ask him directly and cleary. Asking him: "I notice you are contacting me more frequently and I'm sure you can understand that respectfully I'd like to know what your intentions are in texting me, emailing me, etc... I would need to know your intentions before I decide if it is okay for "ME" to meet with you and talk." Asking him this will make HIM "emotionally responsible" for his "reasons" in contacting you.. it's important not to be "afraid" of asking him what his intentions are... This is the classy, self respecting, mature way to know where he stands and then to make a choice IF you even want to engage in any conversation with him.. Because the fact is, he's been a bit wishy-washy, and you need to protect your own heart, set some standards/values for any time, energy or thought you are willing to put into a guy who may just be "lonely, curious, whatever".. so asking him to state his intentions clearly will guide you as to what YOU want to do...

P.S. I remember when my therapist told me it would be healing to "pray for my ex and to let go".. so I did just that, I prayed he would go bald.... not quite the right type of prayer, but at the time, well, you know, it's normal to have "thoughts of them NOT being happy" but these thoughts are NOT healthy when they last too long or turn into behavior.. so just feel all your feelings, and know it's okay to have some "regrets" because regrets are healthy if we use them as life lessons, and learn from them, and move on to a better, healthier, happier YOU... and this can only be done by YOU for YOURSELF... you will heal, and his hair will fall out... (I hope that made you smile a bit)

The best "revenge" so to speak, or I like to say the most "healing thing to do" is to get busy with improving your own life.. FATE has another plan in store for you, one that is better without the ex in your life... it's just hard to imagine "being happy" again, when our hearts are first broken, it's like each day is walking through emotional cement, but it builds your self confidence back, and you are strong, you have courage, you can get through all this, don't give him any more of your "thought energy".. he's no longer worthy of it, give all energy to YOURSELF, to YOUR healing, cry, deep breathe, cry, go for a walk, take up a hobby, get busy with YOURSELF... this "sadness" you are feeling now will subside, in time, and remember "In life heart break is inevitable, but "suffering for too long over it" is a choice". At some point you will "choose" to "accept" that fate has another plan for you, and this guy will no longer have the emotional hold you are "allowing" him to have in your heart... it will pass.. it will.. sometimes in life we just have to be sad for awhile.. it's part of the journey, and after the rain, the sun comes out again.. it always does.. Hang in there, one day at a time, we are all here to listen and help you.. we've been there.. we've survived the heartache and thrived..... you will too.

Okay, so now you are fully aware of how you can be so, so, so, so, kind and put someone first with everything, and be so nice, loving.. so for today do this same thing for YOU, for YOURSELF.. forgive yourself, love yourself, be kind to yourself, put yourself first, and try to "let go" of what was an "unhealthy" relationship, even though you had "hopes and dreams" of what it "could be".... those dreams are still alive for YOU,, they are just not going to come through with "him"..... so gather up all your courage, try to work through your anger, forgive yourself, forgive him, (but don't forget) and use all the "energy you have pent up" and put it to making YOU better, your life better, take time to celebrate your independence.. it's a gift that you are no longer involved in a emotionally and physically unhealthy relationship... it's become an "emotionally unhealthy HABIT", so try not to confuse it with "love".. Love is kind, caring, mutual, respectful, no ego's, no power struggle, it's about respectful team effort, both people at their best selves encourage EACH OTHER to be the best they can in all they do in life... and you deserve this healthy kind of love, and it starts with trying to focus now on you, loving yourself.. letting go of the anger when you are ready to do so, and use that energy for YOU... in a positive way.

yes, I get what you are saying, I just know when I first came on this site and my heart was "feeling" broken, (of course the "fact" was my heart was going to be fine in the long run).. but in those moments of deep heartache, the last thing I wanted to hear was "he's just not that into you".. and I know Batya, you wouldn't say this to a heartbroken friend, and that you are saying this is something you would say to yourself, I get it..totally get it... but if your'e like me I consider most of the people asking for advice on this site as "friends" in some way.. you know what I mean? And yes it's important to 'be honest with yourself" but you can even do so in a self loving way.. and instead of saying "he's just not into me".. say to yourself: I'm not "into any person" who is not willing to make an intentional effort to be in my life in a respectful, sincere, honest, loving, committed way.. and it's time to let go, move on, starting with acceptance and then healing...

ZIPPITT, is giving you some sound advice, it's so true that it's usually not something we can "understand" but it is something we have to "accept"... and for whatever reason, things that start "fast with chemistry, emotional or physical" sometimes fade just as fast... it's just the way it is sometimes, so do NOT take it "personally"... you did the best you could at any given moment, and life has so many ups/downs, joys and challenges, and YOU want and deserve a man who is willing to go on this journey with you in an intentionally loving, committed way, and if he "can not do so".. then the FACT is YOU are better off..on your own, regaining your self confidence, your independence, learning from all of this, and moving onward and upward.. the best is ahead of you, not behind you.. and yes, it hurts like hell for awhile, but these sad feelings will pass in time, and the real healing starts with "acceptance"...

yes, it all depends on the kind of person you are, and the kind of person your date is... it's all about preferance, as a woman I can only tell you if a man asked me out on a date and then asked me to split the bill, I wouldn't find that attractive, classy, or respectful..but that's just my feeling, that is what is right for me, but to each his own... because I do have female friends who do "split the bill with thier dates"... but for me, I wouldn't do so, especially if the man asked for the date. To me it's like telling someone "I'm inviting you to a dinner party at my house, but please bring your own food, plate, and napkin, that is "if" you want to eat, otherwise I'm not interested in having you over at my place". I don't get why a guy would ask a woman out and expect to split the bill, but I know it happens everyday and for some women it's something that they have no problem with.. But I'm not the type who would find this "attractive or respectful"...and I don't mean I want an "expensive" dinner, but that a man would ask you out to a place that is "within his means', and if the guy can only afford McDonalds, then asked me out to dinner there, because it's all he could "afford".. I would respect that way more than a man who would ask me out to a "nicer type place" and then ask that I split the bill... you know what I mean? Just my thoughts...

Well the real healing and the real fulfilling relationships usually come into your life once you are "okay and happy" on your own first.. so although you are "afraid to be alone".... this heartache can grow into an opportunity for you to discover how strong, confident and happy you can be on your own... He does not hold the key to your validation or happiness, only YOU hold that key...and right now you are in that "anxiety/panic" phase where you think you have to "do something".. but the fact is it's much more powerful to do NOTHING towards him right now, because the more you reach out to him, the further he'll pull away. It's about self respect and also respecting it was difficult for him to "tell you the truth"...because it's painfully difficult to hurt someone, and for right now it's best for you to maintain no contact just one day at a time, cry, breathe, write on here, cry again, go for a walk, take a deep breath and say to yourself: "I am not interested in a man who is not willingly and intentionally making an effort to be in MY life, and I will be okay, I will be even better, I have the courage to "accept" what this is for today and I have the strength to believe in myself, love myself, and celebrate ME".

phrecklesrsexy, do NOT feel like you are not worth it, of course you are, and a man will treat you better if you know, feel and understand you are worthy of man who asks you out, and then does the right thing by paying for the evening, it's good that you didn't "do the reach" and offer to pay, you might have insulted him and yourself. He asked you out, he's a grown man, and I'm guessing he's not saying he's in any financial trouble..right? Relax, enjoy his company, thank him and be the wonderful company that YOU are, you can not "screw it up" if you stop worrying about "screwing it up"... just be sincere, honest, kind, be yourself.. your confident self.

Well, it's always better to be "polite".. because you can politely maintain "no contact"... it's not about being "NOT polite" or about "getting back" at the ex, it's about "getting your sense of self back on your own"... for you, for your own healing.. and growth... the ex is the ex for whatever reasons, there's no blame, there's only "lessons".. so we can choose to learn so much from our heartache.. and being "polite" is a sign of self respect... and I mean "politely going no contact".. meaning, "no angry words, no verbal negative gossip", instead just get busy with your own life, and if the ex is NOT asking how you are, or asking you why you are not in contact, then the most self respecting polite thing to do is to maintain "no contact".

Well, if someone leaves you in an abrupt way, where you don't even know what happened, or even understand why.. and the ex didn't explain it to you... it usually means they didn't want to face "themselves".. whether it because they can't face someone when they need to be "emotionally responsible" whether it's to 'break up" or to "reconcile"... And "no contact" IS done out of "RESPECT".. for self respect, and because you respect that someone has made a choice to not be involved right now.. it's all about "respect".. whether they know it is or not, of if they treat with respect or not, it's up to you to conduct YOURSELF in a way that makes you feel good about yourself..in the long run, not the immediate reaction to desperate feelings.. just feel those feelings..work through them with friends, family, a therapist, but NOT with the ex, and if some has hurt you because they chose to leave....then the most self respecting and respectful, healing thing for you to do in a self loving way is to "let go with love"...especially self love.. because when our hearts have been broken, it's the most difficult time to maintain our dignity, and to rise above the pain to make choices that will help us heal..ugh... it is so hard to do, but so worth it.

Batya33, I have so much respect for your choice, but may I say, I'm one of those people that when someone's heart is broken, I think the phrase "he's just not that into you".. can be so painful.. (I know that is not your intention, you are obviously a caring, wise and kind person, it's just "my" thing about that phrase, I find it "hurtful" and no need for it.. you know what I mean? because the fact is, even with your ex, it's NOT about whether he was "into you or not into you".. he's not "fully emotionally respsonsible within HIMSELF"... so I just think it's best to not take a guys "running away" personally.. especially if it his "pattern' before you.. it will be so after you, and he will be "into" no one but HIMSELF...in the long run. Right? It's not about "who" he's with..(with your ex as an example): he's still choosing to behave in a disrespectful way towards women, (you, his wife) and I'm sure he's "into his wife", right? He married her. but no one, no woman can cure him of himself... or he wouldn't be emailing his ex..or exes.. who knows.. thank god you pressed delete, your a woman of standards, values and class. But I gotta tell you the last thing I wanted to hear when my heart was broken was "he's just not into you".. you know why I hated hearing it, because it was like an unjust blow to my self esteem... so for anyone who's heart is broken right now, don't even think about whether the guys "into you or not"... just be INTO YOURSELF, take care of you....and let him run away..run right into "himself"...

Aurian, I think in your situation you did the absolute right thing for yourself, he was "screaming at you and you felt broken down" so it was important for you to set a specific boundary with him. And you knew that were you no longer interested in trying to work on the relationship with him.. so choosing to go "no contact" while you were still "hurting" I'm sure was so difficult to do, but was also the most self respecting choice.. Letting him know your choice for "no contact" was right for you, because you didn't want to leave him in "limbo", because you knew that it was 'over" as far as you were concerned, it's very difficult to make that vow to yourself and to honor it for your own self respecting sake... but oh so worth it..wow, good for you.

good for you "hyruleGuardian".. you're doing the right thing.. as far as other saying "honest communication is important".. well all I can say is if the EX is NOT communicating with you, then it's time to be HONEST AND COMMUNICATE WITH YOURSELF... and try 'no contact" one day at a time, so you can heal, re-gain some perspective, feel all your feelings instead of re-acting to them by saying something to the ex.. just take time and give the ex space and make a choice to "accept" that they ended the relationship... and for now the most important thing to think about is YOUR OWN healing, and "no contact" will help you do just that...

Her request is selfish and immature. Please don't lower yourself to "prove anything".. all you have to say in a kind confident way is: "I do love you, but if you are not willing to make a committed intentional effort to be with me as a couple, then I'm sure you can understand that the privilage, honor and knowledge of my heartfelt thoughts are no longer respectfully any of your business". This is the classy, mature, confident, self respecting boundary to establish on your own heart, and life. No one should demand your "proof of love"... that's not love, that's an ego-power struggle... be careful not to confuse her asking about this as "love".. it's not... Because authentic, mature, realistic LOVE is a sharing of happiness, values, standards, in a committed loyal trustworthy relationship... so sure you can still "love who you hoped she could be"... but who she is revealing herself to be is probably quite different than who you would desire in a wife, or partner... You have to respect and value your own heart first, that is the only way she or anyone else ever will... She needs someone who will tell her the truth, and set some self respecting boundaries, she will be draining you emotionally for a long time if you choose to ALLOW this to happen... Instead don't be afraid to SET some value and standards for your own heart... it is the ONLY way she will ever have the opportunity to take you seriously, and if she doesn't.. well then that says SO MUCH MORE ABOUT HER, then it ever will about you..

yes, if YOU consider this a date, or hope to date her, then pay for her ticket as well, get there early and pick up two tickets, and have it ready to hand her when she shows up, and then ask her if she'd like any popcorn etc... this is the classy thing to do.. and as Batya33 said, especially if you asked..then it's your treat.

Yes, thank god you had the self respect to not respond, and you also show respect for "marriage" in general, no woman would want an ex responding to her "less then honest" husband.. so it's good you didn't help support his "life pattern" by becoming a part of it... good for YOU.. and he will most likely "try again' at contacting you, and next time you can reply and ask him for his wife's email address so you can respond to her...right? I hope our OP here can see her own value and let go of anyone that is not right for her...

My belief is if the "ex" is NOT asking then there is no reason to say anything. Just make a promise with yourself, one day at a time, to go "no contact", IF or WHEN, the ex ever asks "why" you are not responding, or calling, THEN you can say in a kind way: "I was respecting your choice to end the relationship and getting on with my own healing, if you have "discovered authentic feelings" for me during this time then of course you may contact me, but if not, then I don't feel it's best for us to be in contact, I'm sure you can respect and understand this". this is a respectful loving way to set a boundary and standard/value for your own life and heart, and it also leaves the door open if the ex ever does discover authentic feelings, and they also know NOT to be in contact if they don't. This is a powerful, empowering, attractive and healing thing to do.. so again, if the ex is NOT asking, then there is nothing else to do, but start "no contact" contract with YOURSELF, for YOU, for YOUR own healing.. letting go, is really about setting YOURSELF free. Again, hear this loud and clear if you care to absorb any of this, do not "announce' your no contact if the ex is NOT asking... because sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking, "I'm going to tell the ex "I'm going no contact and I'll probably get some response or provoke some emotion in them" well this is NOT a good idea for why you would want to tell her.. these type of un-asked for "announcements" we make towards the ex usually just causes them to roll thier eyes, and then leaves us with the feeling of "ugh, why did I go and have to "say it, when I wasn't even asked?" So just do it.. one day at a time for yourself, and IF she ever does ASK, then you know what you're going to say.. but NO reason to say anything now, after she's already made a choice to leave and remember she is NOT contacting you in any respectful, loving intentional way...right? so best to let her have the opportunity to wonder about you, and then she if her curiosity gets the best of her, trust that she will "reveal" just that in her own way.. And you don't want just a "curiosity call" or an "I need a boost to my ego and my guilt alleviated" kind of call.. nope. If the ex contacts you at all, set a clear loving standard/value for your own heart.. and say the truth, in a self respecting way by setting boundaries, of "they can only contact you if or when they discover that they want to intentionally work on being a couple again, if not, then it's too soon to go backwards right now and just be "buddies" after all the intamcy shared...and this is not the time to "re-define" yourself as a "buddy or friend" only to water down the place you once had in their heart... so stay away, get busy with your own life for today.

I don't know, it's okay to be "together" as far as "dating" goes, but as far as being "intimate"... YUK... why would any self respecting emotionally healthy person volunteer to "get in line" intimately for someone? If there are "no feelings" involved then why be with the person in the first place? And if there are "feelings" involved why compromise yourself by "being in a line up" of god knows who? It really depends on who YOU are, and who YOU wish to become in your life.. but being intimate with multiple partners at one time without at least some feelings, respect or commitment...well that's just bottom line "physically unhealthy" not to mention the emotional side effects.

Do whatever is going to help you let go and heal... and do so for yourself. You're going to grow past all this, you will, we've all been there, and even though when it's happening to us as individuals we feel like no one can imagine how difficult it is, but you have jumped many an emotional hurdle in your life, and you will get over this one as well. Letting go is one of the most difficult things to do, but in doing so, you set yourself free. Keep writing out all your feelings, and send positive emails to YOURSELF... make a promise to yourself, one day at a time, NO MORE CONTACT with her....

by open ended do you mean, "you know you love the person, but they just say "sure I love you now, but I don't know what might happen"? If someone is always "leaving an out" with thier words, then the fact is they have "commitment issues" and of course no one can "promise" what the future holds, but they can make a choice to say, "I love you, and I'm committed to making this relationship work". And then you go from there, but to stay in a relationship where ONE of you is saying.. "I love you, but I can't committ right now, so let's play it by ear"..... YIKES... that's like saying "I'll rent you, as long as I like the view". If you are "okay and fulfilled and feeling good about yourself" to be in a relationship without a mutual intentional effort to make each other a priority, and to committ to each other, then I guess that's okay for you, and that's fine, but if you are agreeing to such a relationship just so you might hopefully "win them over"... then it's best to set your own standards/values by saying, "as much as I love you, it's not respectful for me to make a choice to be in a non-committed situation and be giving my energy, mind, heart and body to someone who's not making a mutual respectful loyal intentional effort to be committed to us as a couple".

The biggest mistake we can make after a break up is to do things to "hopefully provoke some response from an ex"... sure it can be a nice "motivator" but only do these self improvemnt things for YOURSELF.. not for him, not for another man, do it for YOU... respect and cherish your own heart, mind and body just the way they are, and you will then attract the "right" kind of wonderful, respectful man who will cherish you as well. Once a man hits you, or any shows any kind of emoitonal, verbal or physical abuse, it's time to make a choice to leave him... you are leaving him, not the other way around. He's going nowhere fast, because no matter who he is with, there HE is.... running into himself over and over again... he's emotional unstable and dangerous, YOU can NOT cure him of this, no one can, he can only do so for himself, and for right now, he's NOT doing so.... do NOT make the mistake of "justifying his behavior" because you are thinking you "provoked it".. if you had the power to make him "hit you", then you would have the power to make him "love you".. WRONG, the FACT is YOU are powerless over him and his "weakness/illness/dis-EASE within himself. the way he CHOOSES to behave has nothing to do with you..it's HIM, it's the way HE is... Keep and respect your precious sense of self, and get away from him... go to link removed perhaps it will help you re-gain some much needed perspective. You are precious, worthy, and beautiful, and no man can validate it, OR take that away from you.

Batya33, thanks for sharing that for everyone here, it's a wonderful example that it wasn't 'you" whom he left, he was running away from "himself" and apparently still is...like most people who get stuck in that "life pattern" of thinking they haven't found the "right" person, when the truth is they need to BECOME THE "RIGHT: PERSON themselves first before being able to respsectfully completely love another... so good for you, and yep, now he's married, and yes "he is bored" because no matter who he is with, he will always eventually run into himself...and that's BORING.... so he seeks "adventure, newness" because he never does the self work invovled to be a strong, committed, loving, sincere, mature man"... I'm sure you are grateful now that YOU are NOT HIS wife...ugh...and he's not calling an ex behind your back... yuk, no matter where HE goes, there HE is.

Kiama, try not to think of "him" with "another girl"... but instead start thinking of yourself on your own, and all the wonderful healing possilibities and healthy love that are out there for YOU. Even your comment about getting so thin, and having new clothes, this is not about "love".. it's about an unhealthy confused false need... and right now the best thing for you to do is to seek some therapy for yourself. Get your own emotional life in order, so you are not at the mercy of your confused unhealthy distorted emotions.. yes I know what you are "feeling is real". but it's distorted, you've lost a bit of perspective... okay? And you are worthy of a respectful, loving relationship. Love is not about "attraction" it's about SHARING mutual values and standards in life.. it's about kindiness, respect. forgiveness, seeking understanding from BOTH OF YOU, not just YOU. Any relationship that makes you "lose your own sense of self" is NOT an authentic, respectful, realistic, healthy love... it's not love, it's "dis-ease" taking over... and that's when self doubt, clingy-ness, depedence, indentity. are wrapped up into something "outside" of yourself, ie: this guy. those are your "feelings" not the "facts".. The FACT IS: This man does NOT hold the key to your validation or happiness, ONLY YOU hold that key.. once you give it away, you lose your realistic ability to attain validation and happiness, because those qualities can only come from inside yourself, no one can "supply you with those things".. it's about SHARING these qualities in a relationship NOT about "attaining them".. it is impossible to "attain validation and happiness" from someone other than yourself.. it's NOT real, it's NOT healthy, it's NOT possible.. But what IS possible is YOU, you have the god given power and choice to get your own life in order, your own healing, your own happiness, your own self validation, all the time remembering that YOU ARE A LOVING, KIND, FOGIVING, WONDERFUL WOMAN who should be respected and cherished, first by YOUR OWN SELF, (which would mean leaving a man who behaves as he does, even if you slapped him).. it's time for you to take back control over your own life, it's precious, don't disrepect the gift of your own life, by giving it up to someone else... that can only lead to "unfulfilled anxiety" over time, and it already has.. YOU have the power to change YOUR OWN LIFE.. and it's done one baby step at a time, by being in "acceptance" that this man will not change, and YOU are worthy of a man who is willing to cherish and respect you... so start to cherish and respect yourself, and make a plan to get away from this unstable rejecting man in a safe way... best, Blender