PrincessDiana

Blender, you are amazing. Keep pummeling this into my head...as I will surely "wake up" one day to your wisdom...and I sure do appreciate your wisdom. Sending a warm hug your way.

I was completey and totally blindsided when he suddenly abandoned me during an illness only to find out that he had been cheating with someone married, living with her husband, an addict with a young child and 20 years younger than me for 6 months prior. But during those 6 months, he continued building life with me, talking marriage, looking at real estate, taking trips together, with me every night and weekend....he did his dirty deeds during working hours. But the very last night together, there was his hand in the night in the dead of his sleep...searching for me as it always has every night for 6 years. I was absolutely totally blindsided with no clues whatsoever.

For those that leave relationships or abandon their mates, please tell us sufferers how you are able to turn off your emotions so quickly and efficiently when leaving a relationship. What steps do you take prior to ending the relationship and then afterwards so you don't hurt or feel pain. Thanking you for your time in advance and please do take the time to expound as it might help those of us that are suffering from this type of treatment from our exes. It might give us a better understanding so we can heal ourselves too.

Kath, thank you for your kind thoughts and your perspective. I doubt he ever contacts me again. He abandoned me when I was suffering from anxiety attacks...he turned so cold so quickly, dumping this emotional blow on me when I was sick and did it so suddenly...out of nowhere. He won't contact me.....he is too cowardly to ever show his face again..... He retains a few items of mine that I requested back. Most men say it is because he is keeping a connection...I just don't know...all I know is I hurt like heck...and the pain is overwhelming. Dealing with abandonment so suddenly, loss of love, life ...dreams, betrayal, lying and deceit...so much to comprehend when dumped on all at once...mind and heart overload......and he gave no reasons or answers. He was just suddenly gone.....with a coldness I can't phathom.

Tonight.....too many reminders of you....Why God I ask....Why must I constantly be reminded of someone that does not want or love me? Why must the torture continue? Steve Winwood, Higher Love playing.....Olivia Newton John (his favorite) poster in the restaurant, a Roadmaster on the road, ......why must the torment continue? Why God....what did I do to deserve this pain when all I did was give pure and genuine love from the depths of my heart and soul....................EVerywhere I go are constant reminders of him......will the pain ever end? Will I ever be whole again? I can't escape...is the same for him? Does he ever think of me and the most wonderful times we spent together...........

Thank you for your time Honey Pumpkin and your suggestion that I start a thread. I did do that and it is called Question for Dumpers. I'd appreciate your thoughts. Thank you kindly for your time! I agree with you that he is not good for my peace of mind. But I would like to share and hear more only don't want to do it on someone else's thread. My apologies to Mariab. , in my own grief I inadvertently talked on some else's thread. Again my apologies! Mariab. I hope that your situation is improving! I, first hand, understand the grief that belongings in their hands brings...and it is not grief of a monetary value, it is the emotional grief. My best wishes to you.

Blender, I truly appreciate your insight and I read and reread all that you and others write. God knows how I hurt inside and how badly I pray for this pain to end. I will reaffirm your assessment that he is a coward with this piece of information. When he broke us off, he gave me no reasons whatsoever. When I asked him if there was someone else, he said "No, why are you accusing me." His email gave me no reasons....other than "what is there to say when it is over." He DOES NOT KNOW that I learned about his cheating and that he started this 6 months prior to our ending. I did not tell you that during this 6 months he was leading me to believe that we were headed for marriage. He was doing things that reassured me of that! His deceit was unbelievable and that is why my head is still just spinning!!! When I became ill with the anxiety attacks is when he made a very fast exit, but until then he was DOING things that made me feel secure. For instance, I had not seen his son for 8 months, but suddenly in August he invited me to go golfing with the two of them, which was a HUGELY significant event. In 6 years time I had seen his son less than 10 times! So I felt really good when he invited me. We went furniture shopping in August with him wanting me to pick out what I liked for our home together. In September, he met my former mother-in-law and sister-in-law because they were so important to me and we all had a wonderful time! We took two trips together in September with him being so thoughtful and warm to me. How could he do all of this when he was building a life with someone else behind my back? And he was lying to her too! Blender...my head just spins..my mind can't find rest...God knows I am trying.....but I just cry. There was no deterioration in "us" that I could see...and then suddenly he was gone the day after I got out of the hospital. Thank you so much for caring........it means more than any words I can write.

SomeBloke......I am a stable, warm, loving, compassionate 47 year old, and am financially stable also. He was jealous of my career, a successful day trader, as he told me that when I asked why he never gave any respect to what I do. He is 42. He hired this 28 year old married woman to work for him in Feb. of 06. She has a young child and an addiction problem of some nature. He began his affair with her in May of 06 and lied to her about who I was. Told her I was a "friend" of his that he was helping get through a rough patch in my marriage by letting me stay with him. She believed him. All the while, he is leading me to believe we are headed down our path through life together with the goal of marrying once my divorce could be finalized. He saw the assets that were waiting to be exercised, and he saw the value of them so he knew that I had to wait in order to bring more into our union. During the 6 months that he was deceiving me with her, and aiding her in getting her to leave her husband and file for divorce, he was home with me every night, we traveled the weekends and took two trips together in September. He showed NO SIGNS of our relationship deteriorating! Sexual intimacy decreased some but he said that was due to stress at work...but we still had so much affection and warmth..and yes....sex too. When I began suffering from anxiety attacks, is when I decided to come back to my home in IL (we lived in PA) and see my Dr's. He called me and told me I had scared him and stressed him out with my anxiety attacks, that he was going to take a hiatus from our relationship to take a step back and figure out which way he wanted to go, that I was such a huge part of his life he would not do it all at once. He felt he was the cause of my anxiety. I asked him at that point in the call if there was someone else, and he said no..why are you accusing me. 28 days later, when I requested communication with him regarding our relationship he then broke us off with an email. He never spoke to me about why....and I discovered the information about the other woman a month after he ended "us". He turned so cold once he ended us. I stopped emailing him upon receipt of his break. I only sent two. One to say I was sending his keys back and then one the latter part of December to request my valuables and sentimental items back. He has sent all but 3 things on my list. To date I have not received them but have not contacted him at all. I am too upset to do so. His coldness towards me is shocking...as the very last night we spent together, his hand was searching for me in the night and rested on my back...as he has always done since the first night we met. My mind simply cannot come to terms with anything..as nothing he has done has made any sense. If he wants me out of his life why would he not send me all of my belongings I asked him for? Thank you for listening............

Terk, Thank you for taking time to reply and share your thoughts. You are so right when you say I need to keep venting, writing, etc....there is so much pain inside of me as my life was ripped out from under me so abruptly, and done in such a cruel and cold way. When he sends my mail, he hands it over to his receptionist and she sends it to me in a preprinted envelope. It's as if he and I never shared a warm and loving life together. He does know that he devastated me as a friend of mine, unbeknownst to me, emailed him and ripped him up for what he has done. She spared no words as she asked him to please send my things back to me so I could get closure and make some semblance of my life. He sent back most of what I asked him for with the exception of 3 things...my bike, my video camera and the tapes I had made of our life together, and a wireless router. To date I still do not have these items and it bothers me why he has not honored my request. He knows I have not asked for ALL of the things I had bought for our life together....this is all so confusing to me. How he could be so warm and loving to me, even while he was cheating on me, and then switch to so cold and callous literally overnight! It is no wonder I am absolutely shaken to my core! I am so sorry for your pain and heartache too.......Lord knows I would not wish this on my worst enemy....I hope that you have found some comfort and when you do....I want to go to that same place if you can guide me there. Thank you for listening......so much. This pain is horrendous. I am not living , I am merely existing.

Blender, as always your words bring comfort to me. I struggle as I try to blame myself for all of this. I wonder if there were things I could have done differently. The biggest issue I struggle with is that we were both in marital separations when we met. His divorce became final a year and a half ago. Mine was more difficult, as it involved assets that had time restrictions, so attornies advised my estranged and I to stay in a state of legal separation until said assets were free to negotiate, at which time divorce could be processed very quickly. The assets were of significant value, and my BF, being a CPA knew all about this kind of a situation and he entered the relationship knowing the facts up front. But I still wonder if I drove him to cheat. I gave him everything you can give someone in our relationship, along with the promise of my divorce. I even blind copied him the emails where I was working on the asset dissolution so he knew progress was moving forward. I try to focus on the fact that he deceived me with a married woman, (he is their CPA too so he knows that she was married and what her husband's income was) so obviously my being legally separated (legal documents in place) was much further along than sleeping with a woman that was still living with her husband. But.....for some reason my mind keeps replaying what could I have done to save our relationship. I know...I am stupid.....but my heart is in the way of seeing him clearly and I thank you all so much for continually reminding me of who he truly IS. Blender, you are a God Send....thank you...from the bottom of my heart.

When you end a 7 year intense relationship with someone, and do so after having started another relationship with someone else 6 months before you broke off your primary relationship....when the woman you claim to have loved for 7 years never contacts you or fights to win you back....would that ever be something that would bother you or that you would think about? Or are you just happy in your new life and don't ever think of the person you cheated on and abandoned. Thank you in advance for honest answers. Hurting like heck in Chicago...

What is your take on this? He broke us off on 11/28/07. I am shattered. We live thousands of miles apart now. He sends the first of my things Dec. 7th...another batch Dec. 12th. He keeps my perfume, although he sent other glass articles back. He did not send my most meaningful belongings. I write him an email detailing what I want back on Dec. 26th. Jan 8th he sends all be 3 of the items on that list. He still has not sent them. Why? Why would he possibly be holding onto things I asked for when he KNOWS I did not even ask for everything I contributed to our home together. He has thousands of dollars of things I did not ask for back. My therapist is telling me to stay in no contact for now...but it does bother me. He started cheating on me 6 months before he broke us off, so he is nice and cozy with his new 28 (I am 47, he is 42) year old married mother addict. I am not doing well with this at all even though the therapist is telling me the issues are his and not me. I cry...I miss....I hurt....I am so lonely.

Thank you Gina..I hope she "hears" me....I really do. .I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy!

If you can't find the strength to leave him for YOU, then do it for your child/children. Is this the example you wish to give to them of what marriage should and can be? Do you want to expose them to the filth and sewer life that cheaters bring home to their primary relationships? I know the pain of what you are going through. I am deep in it myself, having had him end our 7 years together for no reason, only to find out afterwards that he has been living a double life with a 28 year old married mother and drug addict that he hired to work for him! I am lucky that he broke things off, because there is no hell like this. The thought of his lies to me while he was lying to her. He told her that I was a "friend" of his that he was helping out by letting me stay with him through a rough patch in my marriage! In the meantime he is helping her separate and get her divorce all the while he is still building life with me! Do YOU want this is YOUR future or the future of your children? I advise you to run away as fast as you can and never look back. For him to carry on with other women, he is NOT CAPABLE of loving anyone but himself. It hurts like hell....but ....nothing compared to the pain you will suffer and your family will suffer down the road.

Oops...last contact from him was 1.8.07. It has been very hard, but I have maintained by dignity and self respect and once he broke "us" apart, I made no attempts to win him back. I don't want to win a cheater back. Cheaters are empty, selfish shells of human beings that have more issues that they can contend with so they work those issues out on our time and our hearts. I still love him, and I miss what we had, and could have had until death parted us. My only desire for revenge is that he will someday realize what he threw away and what he had in me as a mate....because he had someone that loved him heart, mind and soul and was loyal and faithful to him. He deserted that for a 28 yr old (I am 47) married mother addict.