keenan

Thank you for clarifying.

Good for you! Good luck, K8tie.

Don't worry. Your post came accross as somebody who is a bit surprised and uncertain--not judgmental. He sounds like a fantastic guy. I hope that he really is great, regardless of the chair. You deserve it. Good luck, coollady!

Yeah, and actually I feel that congratulations are in order for braving online dating and meeting such a kindred spirit. He sounds like a really nice guy.

I mean that you seem pretty relationship-savvy. You've gone through a lot, you have strong emotions, you throw your whole heart into it. Your issues and posts often feel more 'adult' than 'teen'. Fifteen is pretty green.

Wow. I can see how this came as a shock. Step back and think about it, though. He's still the same great, handsome guy who is easy to talk to and has an outlook on life much like your own. You still share the same interests and hobbies. Go on and meet him...not out of guilt, but out of interest. I bet you'll really like him, and you'll make a friend, at the very least. I think it's understandable that he waited so long to tell you. You're having serious doubts about meeting him NOW, after knowing what a cool guy he is. If he didn't wait, he'd just be passed over time and again. As for lovemaking: He's already established that he's completely able to care for himself in every other way. He's been paralyzed since the age of 22. I bet he can take care of things in this area, too. He can use his hands and mouth, right? If anything, he's got a lot more to prove. I bet you might be pleasantly surprised.

For you? Based on your previous posts, yes.

Sorry if I'm slow, but what does AMOG stand for? I can think of several possibilities.

I disagree. The vast majority of these feelings do go away with time and distance. It's wonderful, actually. Wow. I assume you meant that to be helpful, but it's actually not. Fact is, there ARE mothers who don't love their children--beginning at day one continuing through a lifetime. I had one. So your post suggests that either these mothers are mentally ill (which puts the onus of healing and rebuilding the relationship on the DAUGHTER--yet another burden that is likely impossible), or it implies that the child in question is so unlovable that this wonderful mothering instict just couldn't kick in. Lousy choice. Your hypothetical 'inside view' of jaynerd's mother's mind is creative and thoughtful, but absolutely fraught with assumptions. "How can I reconnect with her"? Come ON. If you'd been raised with by a mother who rebuffed every attempt at a relationship for 25+ years, or turned a blind eye to the kind of pain and humiliation that jaynerd has endured, that line would either make you sick or make you laugh out loud, and not in a nice way. Frankly, as carefully written as your 'inside view' was, I STILL don't find this mother to be a remotely sympathetic character. Patty, I know you mean well by this post, and I really do appreciate the time and thought that you've obviously put into this as a result of your own experiences with your dad. But sometimes, perhaps very rarely, parents just don't have "IT"--whatever that nurturing piece is that keeps humans from throwing their young off cliffs. In my opinion, the best thing to do when you have a parent like this is to run like he!l and don't look back. When you reach a safe place, take a deep breath and begin to build your OWN functional family.

Welcome to ENA, poopy_guy. Yah, but in Ailec1987's defense, I think we all do this to some extent. The way that WE would behave feels the most 'normal' and 'natural', so if somebody is reacting differently, it can take time to wrap our heads around their behavior and try to make sense of it. And to be funny...Aren't you actually doing the same thing to Ailec1987 by suggesting that SHE should be as open minded as you are?

Try to ride the crush out. They usually die a natural death if you don't act on them.

LOL. Good for you, babe. I hope you're right. If anyone can do it, you can.

Ailec1987, I always love your posts. But girl, have you been in love yet? I want you to save your post and re-read it if (god forbid) some dumb guy ever breaks your heart. If you love someone a lot...and for long enough...he becomes as important (and often more important) than family. In a way, relationships with our SOs feel more meaningful because we CHOOSE our partners. It's like your deepest friendship + a whole packet of indescribable feelings, all rolled into one. If that person betrays you, watch out (even you, tough one! So nah, I don't think breaking up and divorce are 20th on the list. I think they're right up at the top.

This is wonderful!! Congrats on being brave, and a great big hug to your mom. You must feel awesome. (And aww, Foxlocke, how could she not love you just the way you are? )

Sometimes we push people away because we're afraid that if they get too close, they'll find out who we really are...or rather, they'll find out that we are the person we're AFRAID we are: e.g., boring, self-centered, unimaginative, not particularly fun or bright. It's easier to sit in front of a computer and pour our hearts and souls out to strangers, or relative strangers, because their negative judgments of us can't really hurt. After all, we rarely know their names or faces, and unless we choose to disclose them, they don't know ours. Your birthday party dilemma, as an isolated event, is understandable. Parties are rarely fun for anyone, even the most well-adjusted and social of creatures. We're expected to circle the room, smiling, laughing, making small talk with people we barely know...remembering names, trying to sound interesting and well-informed while staying reasonably sober and keeping food off our clothes. They're fraught with potential social pitfalls. Generally, though, I think the fear of not being liked or appreciated is one part of a greater constellation of anxieties. It's possible to look around at all the smiling, happy people in the world and feel like they all know some wonderful secret that nobody let us in on. They seem to have a KEY...and we know we don't have it. They appear to have meaningful work; we know that we're not satisfied with our own. They appear to have joyful families; we know that our own is pretty messed up. They appear to have lots of abilities, hobbies, and wonderful relationships; we can see only our own shortcomings in these areas. If we convince ourselves that this view of the world is true, then life becomes what I call a "SHOULD, BUT" situation: I SHOULD have an interesting and important job, BUT I really only have a 'pretty good' job; I SHOULD have lots of friends, BUT I find friendships difficult to maintain, so I only have one or two; I SHOULD have read X books, mastered x hobbies, and be volunteering at x, BUT I haven't done all these things...I've only done a few. In this SHOULD, BUT world, we're automatically failures. We take this "ideal" world and make our baseline, and so we always fall short. Because we always feel not quite good enough, we get depressed and discouraged, and we just feel like we're losing ground in life. You know that old Pink Floyd lyric..."No one told you when to run; you missed the starting gun"? That's how it can feel. The irony, of course, is that because we feel this way, we shy away from people and experiences, and we overly DEvalue what we have accomplished. When I read your post, fantasia2004, I see this again and again: You have friends, but you push them away, and then you feel alone. You crave intimacy, but you won't allow yourself to consider marriage a legitimate possibility for yourself. You have an internship that you'll probably be able to parlay into meaningful work, but you downplay its importance. My suggestions are to (1) try to adopt a more modest and realistic 'baseline' standard against which to compare yourself. There is no secret; there is no key. We're all just trying to figure it out. Some people are better at faking it than others. (2) Listen to your doctor, and try the anti-anxiety meds. Continue with talk therapy, because that's very, very effective...but the medications do help. I'm naturally a high-anxious, slightly depressed person myself, and I take a teeny dose of an anti-depressant and find that it works wonderfully. Even if it's just a placebo effect, I'll take it. (3) Read your own signature line. You chose it, so it must have resonated with you. Good luck, hon. Life ain't easy for anyone.

Very poignant. I like it. It's also the stuff movies are made of. I'm sure there are tons, but Casablanca, Lost in Translation...and even that recent Meryl Streep & Uma Thurman movie (Prime?) leap to mind. There's also some old Ayn Rand novella with the same theme. Anyway, my point is that it's very brave and wonderful...and sad. Thanks!

Sigh. I really do love my job. The pay is low, the space is lousy, my co-workers are nutty (but nice, and fun)...but the work is really interesting and challenging, and I get to pick which projects I work on. It's actually pretty great.

Thank you.

Good for you. And good luck--we're here for you.

Well, there are lots of ways to earn respect. One way is to behave in a way that is consistent with the values and beliefs held by the earnee, in any given domain. So, if I value honesty, warmth, and trustworthiness in a friend, I will respect a friend who consistently displays those qualities. If I value intelligence, creativity, and ambition in a colleague, I'm more likely to respect colleagues who display THOSE qualities. If I value promptness, efficiency, and excellent coffee production from a barista, then...you get the idea. One component is seeing somebody display behaviors that I myself struggle with...so there is an element of admiration & emulation: "Wow--I wish I could be that way" in respect. Some people manage to have qualities that cross a lot of domains, and just generally have the 'complete package.' I suppose those are people I respect the most, as human beings. But I think breaking it out by domain is helpful because it explains why we might respect a colleague, but not LIKE the person very much.

So that makes you...13 years old? Or 7.75? It depends on which of us you were talking about. Simmer down, Tyler. Dako and I were just having a bit of fun. I think your position is clear, and my goal was not to dissuade you, either via analogy OR sarcasm. My point was simply that for many healthy, happy people who do not suffer from addiction, these things are not always black and white. Life is analog, not digital.

GREAT song! Mama, mama many worlds I've come since I first left home. I also like Bea's Song, by the Cowboy Junkies. The album is Lay It Down, which I think is the CJ album with the highest production quality. Actually, just about any Cowboy Junkies song is fantastic and heartbreaking. Marot Timmins is amazing live.

Never. How crass.

Once in a great while, we burp very discreetly. And we always say excuse me.

burp. uh...sorry. excuse me. i didn't mean to intrude. i'll leave now.