kellbell

GettingOverIt, I could not agree with your statement any more... Why be 'friends' with someone you 'loved'... If you couldn't LOVE each other, then where on earth could a friendship come from, and WHY would you waste your time there anyway? I sure wish you were able to say this to one of my ex's. That's the reason I left him, he kept me in the dark about her and I found out (by snooping, wrong I know but I got sick of having that feeling everything is not kosher) and it turned out he was on a weekly contact basis with his ex whom he dated YEARS ago. He tried to rekindle things when he got back from the military but to no avial. That's where I came in. But all the while, he said they were JUST FRIENDS!! Ok, if that's the case, why did he lie about when she called when I was there and keep me in the dark? Ok now I am rambling. Case in point people....leave ex's in the past!!! It's not fair to the people whom your dating at the moment. He lost me over this and he still calls me. Oh well.

From what I remember your story and your ex, I wouldn't even give him the time of day let alone hanging out with him at his house but that's just me. I think you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt by going over there and snopping through his stuff. Be careful and treat yourself right.

My experience in the past was to use NC to get over the guy and it worked. But I didn't do it because I wanted to make amends or to get him back. I did it for myself and own good. And ALL my ex's did contact me after our breakups. They always do but I did not contact any of them out of my own will. If they called I was cordial and the like and that was it. It wasn't years after my break-ups I went out to grab a bite to eat or grab a beer but usually it's their idea and their initiation. Since so many years went by, I thought, what the heck? I was fine with it but that was it.

One thing I have learned in a relationship...you will lose the person your with if you are not assertive and stand up for yourself. The person will respect you so much more if you are assertive. The person will quickly lose interest if you are too aggreeable and make things way too easy. People, men, especially, love a challenge. I am not saying play hard to get or play games but kind of understay your welcome a little. It's weird, you think you are going to lose the person if you say no but it's just not the case, or at least in my experience. One person said the other day, saying no to someone most likely doesn't bother the person as much as you think it would. Try it out, see how things go.

It could be a lot of things, it could be lubricant, massage lotion, tanning lotion, all kinds of things. I was just curious, why are you in your ex's place?

Hey Shorty! Don't be so hard on yourself girl! Plus what's done is done. You can't take back what happened. I kinda agree with the pervious poster, alcohol lowers your inhibitions, impairs judgement and you may do things otherwise you wouldn't do sober. I would try to relax and enjoy getting to know guys and set boundries for yourself and try your darndest to STICK TO THEM! You will feel much better that you did instead of giving in. I kind of like you in some ways, I think I am too nice, give in, and have a hard time saying no. But I feel worse afterwards. I am still in the process of being more assertive and it feels pretty darn good. Just take small steps. You'll be ok, don't beat yourself over this. Hugs to you girl.

NC is not usually a techique used to reconcile with an ex or to get an ex back. It is a way for you to heal and move on from a relationship. And chances are, you will hear from your ex sometime down the line, may be next week, next month, or even in a year but usually at some point.

"how do i win her over? her friends tell me play hard to get. it makes since because she liked me when i didnt like her, but when i liked her she didnt like me anymore so what is the deal? i am just confused." Ok, she needs to win YOU over. Don't worry about winning her over. She kissed another dude while you were tending to a family emergency, how catty is that??! She had to have known it would get back to you because you all hang out with the same group of friends. I don't think she values relationships or other people's feelings or even considers the consequences of her behavior until sh@#$t hits the fan. Believe me, you do NOT want someone in your life like that, not EVEN as a friend. shes the type of girl that likes what she cant have as her 2 best friends tell me That's a bunch of bull, she does have you, you are trying to win her over, I think it's the other way around. She kissed another guy! "I forgot to say that she has been in a few relationships that she has been hurt in, so i dont know if she is just afraid of getting hurt again. i hope not i told her i would never let anything hurt her and that i will always be there for her and that if she needed me she could call me anytime" Again a bunch of bull to me, I get so tired of people using "I've been hurt in past relationships..." So what, so that justifies treating others like poo?? It's ok to be careful and learn from past mistakes and know what to watch for but it's another thing to pull crap on others as defense to act like a jerk. Then if that's the case with her, let her take care of her demons and baggage first, otherwise, that's the excuse you will hear over and over again. Don't put the ball in her court by saying she can call you anytime she needs you. My advice to you, leave her alone, do the NC. In closing, with friends like that, who needs enemies? Take care my friend and be well.

I would like to know some for sure signs that someone likes you? [b]constant eye contact, standing real close to you, finding any reason to see you or talk to you, acting silly or giddy, and flirting. And Teasing, that's big, you always tease when you like someone, nothing mean but harmless and silly. You always get a feeling. Also some signs that would show someone is a player? Saying all the right things, seems kind of shadey, too good to be true, stuff you've heard before. Some signs that someone that you like just wants to be a friend? That's tricky, usually you know that when someone tells you. Maybe when you get a little close and a little flirty and the the person is kind of standoffish. Bottom line, trust your instincts and listen to your gut. Usually you are on the right track when you do. The body never lies. Just take things slow and see where things go. Have fun and good luck.

Vent here as much as you like or when you feel a little weak and on the verge of contacting her, come here, I am sure others will talk you out it. Stay strong.

Hi there, I would be VERY careful letting this man come back into your life because I have a hard time believing that emotional abusers ever change. Unless something drastic happened to the person or underwent some serious therapy. Plus the money thing is another red flag, unless he went to money managing classes or seminars, then I doubt he is any better with money than he was a year ago. I suspect he realized how much you mean to him because he is lonely and you never know what you had until it's gone, doesn't necesarrily mean he will change. Like I said, I would be VERY careful about this and take care.

You're welcome, anytime. There are so many people here who give great support and advice. Come here often.

The best revenge is happiness and success. I am sure you did treat her right but she didn't appretiate it, there are plenty of women out there who will. Take care.

Hi there, Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like she is very immature and not good for you at all. It sounds like she may be your achilles heal and I know what's that like. You know she is bad for you but you keep going for her because you always want what you can't have. I guess my advice to you is to play it cool and not contact her at all. Go to the Halloween party if you want to. It's YOUR cousin's party, you can go if you want. No matter how she tries to sweettalk herself back into your life, don't take the bait. I know it's hard because we like a challenge and we always think it will be different the next time but it won't. Take care and wishing you all the best.

That really stinks, yes, I agree, she should have discussed things with you so you can make a choice whether or not you want to continue with the relationship. I dated a guy once whom took a lot of choices away from me by keeping me in the dark about things and not being honest too. It's only when I found out the truth later on that I was able to decide if I wanted to stay or not, and I decided not. But I was in a world of hurt in the end. He could have saved me a lot of pain by just having the b@#lls to be honest with me in the first place. Thank you very much for sharing your story.

Hi there, Happy Birthday! Sorry about what happened. That really stinks. I guess she could have waited after your birthday. I guess she couldn't even force herself to enjoy your company on your birthday, her actions were definitely speaking louder than words. I guess the best thing for you is to start NC as soon as possible. She really did you wrong so if anyone should do the talking and contacting, it should be her. I know it's hard because you want answers and want to know what happened. But even though you may get the answers, will it really matter or help? Maybe it may make you feel worse. Don't contact her at all, no email, no letters, no texting, no nothing. You owe it to yourself to heal and stay away from her. I am truly sorry about what happened, not only because this happened to you on your birthday but because you lost a friend too. Hugs to you and take care.

Hi there, Good for you. My mom and I were just saying the other day, "don't you ever notice that things that are for your own good is the hardest things to do in the world?" It's so easy to what's right for others and do for others but when it comes to doing what is right for you and your own good, it's very hard and painful. I am proud of you and for what you did. It's hard when one person in a relationship is more committed to his or her job than you. I am sure she didn't mean for it to get that bad but it happened but it was up to you do take a stand. Hugs to you because I know this couldn't be easy for you. Take care and wishing you all the best.

No it won't help. Don't bother telling her things are your all your fault. Plus, that would not be accurate, it can't be ALL your fault. It's only going to make her feel more guilty and push her further away. It's still not going to change how she feels. Just leave it be and move on. Take care.

I know what a committment phobe is and still stand by what I write earlier however, KayRay's post put it the the best.

Sorry about your family and the stuff you have been through this past year (i.e. nervous break down). I, myself, have fallen prey to panic attacks. Well, believe it or not, you have made great progress. It can be a slow process but you are definatley heading in the right direction. One day at a time, the pain will get less and less. I promise.

That's why I said before, I don't know what I would do until it happened to me. It's different when you go through it, whether you did the cheating or you have been cheated on. It is a total case by case basis. Infedility is such a touchy topic with all kinds of twists and turns. I don't know, I guess now I am rambling. I guess it would be hard for me to say until it happened to me.

"It's funny that she is so concerned about moving in with you because of the divorce thing, but she doesn't think rushing you to get married has a good chance in ending in divorce.. I think rushing into marriage has a greater chance in ending in divorce than living together before you are married." Very good point Maggie, very well put. Pay special attention to that statement brahman. I hope everything works out for you guys.

I agree with heloladies on this one. True, we ALL get screwed and hurt in past relationships but it should not dictate the rest of our lives or carry on into future relationships. It's not fair to her any other person who wants to be with her, like you. I always believe that one must come to terms with one's past and accept it before he or she can move on. Apparently, she has not begun to deal with this so it's no use trying to be her boyfriend. I would not wait for her, date others who are not battling their pasts and able to offer more than friendship.

Hi teacup, I would say just take things slow and enjoy getting know him. It sounds like you are at a good start, like having a good line of communication and feeling comfortable with him. You will know when you are ready, just take things slow. Good luck with everything and take care.

Yes, I agree, it is always nice and refreshing to hear an updated story about someone's progress. Good for you! And thank you for sharing your progress and your story.