duchesstigerlily

I always laugh when someone says "we do it 3 to 4 times a day"...then my question becomes... do you work? have a life? friends? outside interests to share with your partner? Typically, from what I have heard, it tends to be, on average, 3 times a week for a lot of married couples. You also have to factor in people's ages as well as how long they been together. I've been with my hubby for 5 years but married for 2 and our sex life hasnt disappeared just because we said some vows infront of our family and friends. I would say we have sex about 3 to 4 times a week. The rest of the time we work...hang out with each other...hang out with our friends (separately or together) or indulge ourselves in our hobbies etc. Often times its not quantity but quality. If you have great sex 3 times a week then I would say thats better then ho-hum sex every day of the week

Or maybe the poor woman has a health condition and hitting the gym wont make a difference. I think this has more to do with being sensitive to other's feelings and less to do with inspiring someone to lose weight.

Dont worry...this happens but maybe there should be general rule where you dont ask someone *when* they are expecting...just *in case* they arent. No point in making someone feel bad about themselves...no worse a feeling then that.

Most definitely. I'm sure there are a lot of cases of infidelity where the person being cheated on *never* knows....they may have suspicions....but those suspicions are never backed with real evidence...or they dont suspect a thing and never find out.

I know you're both right. I certainly dont want to start causing issues where there are none. We have so much fun and are so close (we live together as well) and I dont want to wreck anything by having him think I dont trust him or never will completely trust him again. The cell phone thing was just crazy....and it isnt even like he gave me a *reason* to have the urge to look....all he did was leave his cell phone on the dresser in the bedroom (he always leaves it there) and go into the livingroom to watch tv......he had no clue I was looking. I wont tell him...but I'll make sure to keep my urges in check, although they dont happen often, because I dont want to screw this up and end up pushing him away.

Ok...well fiance and I have started seeing a couple's counselor due to some communication issues and also because he had a non-sexual affair with someone...that was a hugely complicated situation. Anyway, obviously we had some major trust issues but I have been feeling so much better and our relationship has been mostly good...no suspicions or anything like that. We decided to go on a couple's plan and get new cell phones that had unlimited calls and text messages between us...which was fine and great. I used to snoop a lot...but since I've gotten to trust him better I never do it...I never have the urge...until yesterday. I was alone with his cell phone and I just couldnt help myself...I went through his received, dialed calls, phone book and text message. I saw one strange number and looked it up online as a reverse look up and it turned out to be our cell phone provider's number. Anyway, I felt like a huge moron. Everything he has done since we got our cell phones a month ago is on that phone and really, he doesnt use it much except to talk to me. I feel really bad. Should I tell him I looked? I love him and I know he loves me and we are dedicated to working our problems (previous problems) out. We are both committed, which is why we decided to go to counselling and we hardly ever fight anymore and we just enjoy being together. I dont know why I did it but I feel SO guilty.....and almost feel like I have to "confess"!

I posted awhile ago asking what other people's experiences were with couple's counselling. We had our first session last night and I have to say that it went very well. It got pretty heavy at times but we both came out of it feeling good and had a nice chat about it on the way home. I learned some new things about our past situation from his point of view and he learned some new things about it from my point of view. We will be going about every 2 weeks and I'm actually looking forward to our next appointment.

This reminds me of the Friends thing..."We were ON a break".... I would say the answer to that would be no it isnt cheating unless you agreed to not be with other people while you are on your "break". However, that doesnt stop your partner from getting upset about it even though you were on a break. As DN said...it definitely depends, as well, on what your motivation was in cuddling.

It sounds like she doesnt want to finalize the break up by getting her stuff off of you. Maybe she still wants to have contact with you and is afraid she wont talk to you again once you dont have anything to tie you together (her stuff at your place). Maybe you should just go ahead and mail her stuff to her or drop it off at mother's without waiting for her to get it herself.

Anyone familiar with me will know that there was some infidelity on my fiance's (then boyfriend) part over a year ago. We have been working through it and our relationship has been great with the exception of some communication issues and we are actually starting to see a couple's counselor next monday. I guess my problem is that I feel fine most of the time....not suspicious (dont have a reason to be)...just happy...usually but every now and then I get panick attacks worrying.."what if he does it again?"...the circumstances at the time of the infidelity were difficult and strange and nothing like what we have now (its like 2 different relationships) but I cant help but have these periods of insecurity. In the past, when I have had these periods, I always talk to my fiance about it and he is always supportive and willing to reassure...or whatever I need. Its getting to the point where I dont want to talk to him when I have these "moments" because I dont want to look as if I'm always going to be desperate about this. A couple of times he has gotten upset because I give the illusion of being fine and then I drop these bombs on him....he says he feels like I can be fake in the relationship by not just telling him how I feel...rather then waiting and acting ok and then having a meltdown. My love for him and my happiness is not fake. What can I do to be comfortable with myself? How can I accept the unknown? Should I keep trying to take to him when I panick...or should I try and deal with it more on my own? Its just getting frustrating for me because everything is really good most of the time...I'm just afraid of feeling that pain again. Any advice?

Just keep fighting those urges and eventually it wont be so hard! He's relying on the fact that you will take him back or still show an interest...just do the opposite...make yourself happy first and then bring someone into your life who can add to that happiness. Just think about what it will be like to not have to worry about him anymore. You can relax...enjoy things and not have to feel upset or crappy because of him. Someone else *will* come along...someone better but it wont happen if you continue to attach yourself to someone who is abusive, at least, on an emotional and mental level. Take care of yourself...you're worth it!

I have to say how selfish and egotistical you sound. Wow, what a lucky girl...you gave her a "shot"...I think she's better off having cut all ties with you and I'm sure she has plenty of time to find someone who will respect her..fling or no fling. If you want to have a "fling"...at least remember the person you are having the fling with has feelings and be considerate. You say, "why cant a guy just have a fling anymore?"...and I say...why cant men be gentlemen anymore instead of selfish, egotistical, pigs (not all men..sorry to all the decent guys out there! ).

Nah, it has nothing to do with being smart! Lots and lots of people have stayed in very bad relationships because of fear of being alone, fear of the unknown (the future) and all of that stuff. You arent unique for wanting to be loved and for wanting a certain person in particular to love you....the problem is that this person cant love you the way you want and deserve to be loved. He's selfish and obviously is only concerned about what will make *him* feel good and not you or any woman that he is with (feel bad for the girl that gets suckered into marrying him one day). Have you considered seeing a therapist? They can do wonders for your self esteem and can teach you how to value yourself, techniques for assertiveness and lots more. The better you feel, the better mom you will be to your child in the long run and the better chance of having a healthier relationship with someone else in the future. Good for you on letting him know you arent interested. I think the less you talk to him, the better you will be...keep it strictly work-related. Is there some way you can switch jobs? I know that isnt always the easiest solution...so if you cant, then, as I said, keep it work-related and make sure he knows you are moving on.

Everyone feels like they will never have a relationship again when they break up with someone. The wife of a friend of my fiance's just up and left him after 2 years of marriage (really...just out of the blue...) and he is going through a lot right now worrying that he wont find anyone ever again and he will die alone and so on (he calls me fiance *a lot* more then he ever did for reassurance and so on). I think this a very, very common feeling, however, there is no truth to it. I'm exactly like you. I dont drink and I'm not a party girl. I would rather go to a movie any day then hang at a bar (when I did go to the bar, I never met any decent guys anyway). I'm certainly not boring...either are you. Everyone is different and I am sure there are some people who hang at bars, who dont like but assume its the only way to "meet" people. Just be yourself and when you do meet someone, hopefully it will be someone who appreciates your for who you are and will care about you regardless of what you like to do in your spare time (seems silly really, to break up with someone because they dont like to hang at bars). My fiance plays drums in a band and is obsessed with watches...I suppose I could ditch him because I dont play drums and I dont care about watches but because I love him I share in his interests....and he shares in mine...its more fun that way I could see two people breaking up over fundamental differences but it seems petty to lose interest in someone over what you do in your spare time...especially when its so easy to compromise over something like that. So, in short...you are NOT boring...you are you and dont stop doing what you like to do or change yourself for anyone.

I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this. I would say that you are better to try to move on now that he has said that your relationship is over. Take this an opportunity to move past this and meet someone better...someone decent who will respect you. I dont think your ex. was the type of person you should have around your child. Evidently, he isnt a very good example of how a person is supposed to be behave themselves. So think of that as another good thing about not being with him anymore. I know what its like to feel like you cant get away from someone and you find yourself always going back no matter what hurtful thing they have said or done. Just remember that if he really loved you and "missed" you then he would treat you like gold and wouldnt feel the need to be with other women. He sounds extremely immature and also sounds like an std just waiting to happen. I'm sure you know that it will take awhile to get past this and to totally move on and you might have a couple of weak moments but keep your head up and dont waste any more of your time...your life...on someone who says they care but doesnt act like it...words are only words if there are no actions to back them up. I wouldnt say its false hope that you could get back together but I think you would be fooling yourself to believe he loves you and I dont think it would be wise for you to even consider risking your feelings again on this guy. He probably will come crawling back but what you need to do is leave him at your doorstep and dont let him in. Let him know that you arent a doormat to be walked on whenever he feels like it. You're a strong woman, a mother and you need to realize your own worth. Hope this helps somewhat.

I think you need to see someone who is *more* then a counselor.I was diagnosed with clinic depression when I was 16 and was on a variety of antidepressants (and other drugs) until 22 (how old I am now). I had a suicide attempt in 2002 and it devastated my family and me. Suicide is a very selfish and yet self-depriving act. You cause unimaginable suffering for those who love you and you deprive yourself of living and enjoying life. Instead of thinking about leaving this world, what you need to do is get some serious help. It isnt normal, no matter what your ups and downs are, to consider suicide or attempt suicide. Have you talked to your parents more about this? Are they aware of your attempt?. Believe it or not lots of people attempt and *no one* knows about it. Go to your family doctor and discuss this. Likely you need some real therapy with a psychiatrist or psychologist. I have done both and it was remarkably helpful. I dont think taking a pill is enough to cure everything and I think you need some real solid support. I never thought I would have a life and I hate my reality. Now, I've gone through college, I have a career, I'm getting married (tough relationship though but I've learned the skills to deal with problems) and I have friends. If I had died in 2002...I wouldnt have known any of this. I wouldnt have known just how good it can be. So please get the help you need and dont think that suicide is the only way out.

Thanks for the replies and I will definitely keep everyone posted. We dealt with this therapist for our pre-marriage classes and she was fantastic...we both feel comfortable with her so that is half the battle. I'm nervous about it, definitely, but hope that she will teach us better communication skills...because I find we fight over the silliest things just because we cant communicate about them properly. I'm very interested to hear what my fiance has to say about some topics and I know I have a lot to say that I feel I cant just because I know it will blow up into something ridiculous. Maybe all counselling sessions start out with a lot of venting and getting it all out there and maybe after that it gets productive. I find it hard to be productive in this relationship when we have issues that are dragging us down.

Well we definitely have past hurts and pain! Rather the let them fester we both want to get them out in the open and deal with them..but with a mediator...who can help clarify things etc. I think it would be harder for us in the long run not to deal with past issues...since they will only come back up to haunt us (they do now). Basically, anything that still comes up now is not "current" (meaning the bad stuff isnt still going on) and we have talked about it enough to know what the other is likely to say to our therapist (who actually did the marriage prep course we took!). I' m just hoping that someone has actually seen this *make* improvements. I love my fiance so much and I know he loves me which is why we are so committed to make this work despite past wrongs. Even though it can be difficult to deal with all this stuff, can you see where it may, potentially, help your relationship? Leaving the relationship is not an option for either of us.

I' m just wondering what people think about couple's counselling or marriage counselling? Has anyone ever had experience with it being successful or at least, making the relationship healthier? My fiance and I have our first session on June 6th and I' m interesting in knowing what other people's experiences have been. Obviously we're committed to this relationship and want to iron out some issues, or at least find a better way to communicate and when we do fight, how to not blow it WAY out of proportion (people throwing things...leaving for a couple of hours or a night....etc)...which is a huge problem we have. We have tried to work out stuff on our own but keep hitting road blocks. Thanks.

Also, I would say that some parents dont know how to show emotion so they supplement that with material things. My fiance can REALLY be a spoiled baby. This is a 28 year old man who has gone through university and has a great career...yet, has to have *everything* his own way. I know we had a big of a disagreement last night because he felt I wasnt "listening" to him...when really I was just thinking about what he said before I responsed (like a 20 second delay in answering) and he got all in a huff like a child. I basically told him outright to stop being a spoiled selfish baby and that was pretty much the end of it. I think you have to be blunt with people that are so spoiled that everything has to be done to their satifisfaction.

From personal experience, I would say being spoiled emotionally and materialistically can cause a person to be selfish, stubborn and sometimes unfeeling or inconsiderate for other's needs in a relationship. My fiance was extremely spoiled as an only child and he can be quite selfish sometimes...definitely expecting things to go his way more often then not and when they dont...believe me...I *know* about it. I can say he has improved quite a bit since we started living together. Obviously, I love him and he isnt the devil incarnate or anything like that but I can see where him being spoiled as contributed to how he is. Let me just say that this isnt the case for all people. I wasnt an only child and have been quite spoiled materialistically but yet I am not selfish or any of the other traits often associated with spoiled people. I suppose it just depends what other values you were give growing up. You can be spoiled rotten but yet still taught that it cant be all about you and that you have to be unselfish and considerate of other's. It definitely depends on your overall experience growing up.

I wasnt really sure if I should put this in infidelity or trust issues but anyway...I'll try and keep this fairly short. Ok, my fiance and I have had a very, very complicated relationship. We met and instantly connected and started a relationship. He was only my second serious boyfriend and the first man I have ever slept with. I got scared off a bit because of his intensity (he's older then me...27 at the time we met and I was 20 almost 21). I ended up avoiding him and then eventually said some really hurtful things that ended in us not talking for a week. Once we started talking, things were tense most of the time and we had so many fights I cant even count (my mom says we didnt have a "real" relationship at the time since we hardly saw each other and DID only fight). After about 5 months of this, apparently he started seeing someone else...as a friend first but led into something more. Eventually our relationship started to improve and he ended it with this other person. For 5 months everything was great until I found out about this other "thing" in december. I was devastasted but I had felt no reason not to trust him in those 5 months and everything had been wonderful. Basically, I didnt want to throw away a good thing. I now live with him and we're getting married in september. He has been awesome and hasnt acted suspiciously or done anything to make me have a valid reason to doubt him. He is always there for me if I want to talk about what happened and has answered my questions honestly. The thing is I sometimes feel like I CANT let go of it. I've gone so far as to snoop through his things and his computer...finding nothing of note except for your "generic" porn. I love him intensely and know he loves me but I can help but worry that he is going to want someone else eventually. When he IS on the computer I worry he is talking to other girls. He used to have a password on his computer but took it off so I COULD access it (I dont though anymore). I just worry so much on and off and I dont want it to wreck what we have now and what we are going to have in the future. He is caring and sensitive towards me....he has brought up the cheating topic on his own and said that he is so sorry for that and he doesnt know why he did it and he thinks he was a really unhappy person at the time and that he acted selfishly. What can I do to just get past this? I worry he's going to get sick of me being insecure (although he, himself, can be very insecure...having to make sure I love him and really am I happy and all that). He has even been willing to go to councelling sessions if I want to...although he wants to see if we can "do it" on our own first. He tells me that he will do anything he has to to show me that he loves me and only me and that what happened before was a mistake (let me say that we NEVER said "I love you" to each other during that bad period of time...his major mistake was not letting me go, at the time). I just want to BELIEVE it....but I feel like I'm holding part of myself from him because I'm afraid to let my guard down....just "in case". I love him and want him and so leaving isnt an option. Has anyone gone through this before? What did you do to handle it? What should *I* do?

Everything went really well this weekend. His family and my family got along REALLY well (really!) and they told my fiance, when I wasnt around, that they really liked me and thought I was a "lovely" girl and that he made a good choice. I'm very happy with how everything turned out and felt a little silly for feeling THAT nervous. In response to a few things, my fiance's mother passed away from cancer so I met his dad, step mom (who he does not consider a mother remotely) and his grandparents. I think I was more intimidated meeting his dad then anything but it was great. Also, it isnt strange at all that I hadnt met my fiance's family before we got engaged. I love HIM and would marry him regardless of his family. Besides that, its hard to meet people that are in another country most of the time and when they are home, are two provinces away! My fiance is very involved in my family only because they only live 20 minutes away. Also, my mother married my father and she didnt meet his family until a few weeks before they wedding (my dad is originally from england)...so meeting the family should not be the factor that makes or break whether or not you marry the person. Thanks for all the responses. Hopefully this thread will help another person who is nervous about meeting the parents!

Thanks everyone. I just need to relax and breath!! I always build things up to be really bad and then am surprised when everything goes well and I have fun...so thats just my personality. I'll definitely try to loosen up before tonight!

Hi All, My fiance's dad, step-mom (his mom is deceased) and grandparents (dad's parents) are coming over to our apartment tonight and this is the first time I will be meeting any of them. They live very far away and have just spent the last 4 months in Florida and are on their way home so are detouring here to meet me. I have no idea how to handle this situation. I'm generally quite shy (although did really well when I met his friends...no problems but this is a bit different) and I feel so nervous that I just had to post asking for advice (I'm at work). Actually, I dread going home tonight because of this. Tomorrow night we're all getting together and his family is going to meet mine at a restuarant and that, although less intimidating because I'll have my parents and grandmother there, I'm still scared to death. I'm worried I'm going to make a bad first impression because of my shyness. I know NOTHING about these people because my fiance doesnt really *say* much about them and I almost feel like I'm being nosy by asking for specifics (we've been together for a year and a 1/2). I have no clue what to say...I'm not looking forward to this at all...mostly just looking forward to getting it over with. What did you do when you met your parent's family? Some advice would be really appreciated. Thanks.