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Nap-Man

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  1. Nap-Man
    Hey, I was in a similar situation. I dated a girl for 3 years and had known her for 7 before we dated. I was very close with her family and cared about them very much. I had established a very close friendship with her sister and after we broke up I tried to maintain that. Her parents send me b-day cards and I emailed them when they had their first grandchild. I thanked them when they sent me cards and even tried to be a part of her sisters child life. The problem is that as time goes on you become more and more detached from the family and it causes a bit of stress with their family dynamics. I still love them very much but for everyone's sake it was best to just let everything go. After the first year the cards and such stopped coming and there was really no contact between us anymore. My advice is to just let them go naturally. Thank them for the gifts but I am sure that in time everyone will move on and go their separate ways. I know from talking to my ex's sister that it was very hard for her family to let go of me. I was a staple in their house every holiday. So for them they had to accept someone new and move on as well. It was best for everyone. I hope all of this made sense. I am at work and typing too quick to edit..... Nap
  2. Nap-Man
    hey jamie, i was reading your post and an experience from my past made me start thinking. i seem to be similar to you and your potential boyfriend. i am not touchy feely or big into serious relationship talks in the beginning. i think everyone gave you wonderful advice but i have had an instance where it backfired. i was casually seeing a girl for about a month and she hit me out of the blue with a comment about her and i being exclusive. the problem is i was not yet 100% comfortable with her or sure if i really clicked with her enough to be exclusive. i felt a lot of pressure to decide quickly or risk hurting her and it pretty much killed the relationship. just to be difficult i have also had relationships start that same way but we were both sure and ready for the next step. i guess i saw red flags when you stated that you were not yet comfortable with him, regarding relationship talk and sex. from my past experiences it is best to warm up to those topics and feel it out before you jump in with both feet. if you are not yet comfortable it is possible that he is not comfortable yet either and you two should get to know each other a bit better. just some thoughts to make your decisions harder! i never know how to decide when it is too soon or too late to talk about these issues........ -Nap
  3. Nap-Man
    Ok here is an update. Last week we finished our project for our client and I asked her out for dinner. She accepted and we went out. Then she wrote me an email asking me out for drinks this last Saturday. So I met her and she ended up spending the night (no sex). So needless to say my question has been answered. We are leaving for NYC tomorrow and now it becomes a test to see if I can keep her interested in me after a 12 hour trip Thanks for all the advice and help. It is really hard to learn to read the opposite sex again after leaving a long term relationship!! -Nap
  4. Nap-Man
    Thanks for the advice. I will let everyone know how this turns out! This is only a one way trip P.Rules so if it really sucks there is no return trip to deal with. You are rigth this is a win-win, i have started relationships in stranger ways. I still think it is a sign I am firmly entrenched in her friend's only category but that will not stop me from testing the waters
  5. Nap-Man
    Hey donut, I have felt and still occasionally feel all that you are going through right now. We are close to the same age and seem to have some of the same thought processes. I too started to realize that the exciting life I thought I was going to lead is not reality and that at our age we are already pretty far into who we are going to be. I lost the girl that I was planning on marrying and all of a sudden I am not 24 anymore (which is when we started dating). My college friends are spread out all over the country and it seems like everything I used to know about nightlife, socializing, etc. has changed. I was so focused on starting a life with this woman and now I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do at this age and with a different mindset than when I was younger. Drinking and the over-hyped nightlife get old and it's hard to meet new people at our age because of the reasons you stated. I did get myself out of the funk and for now have found peace and am much more comfortable with my life. I am not religious at all so I did not take the path that SophMd suggests. I do agree 110% with the idea of being able to give to others. I went on a medical mission trip to the Dominican Republic and have spent many weekends volunteering. All of this has given me perspective on my life. It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you see just how bad others have it. In fact you will probably come away feeling lucky and also feeling good about who you are as a person. I have started to make new friends. It takes a LONG time though. They will not replace the friends who have left or are married but they may become an important part of your new life. The best part is that once you meet one person you meet who they know and all of a sudden you will have a group of friends again. Don't feel like you are a whining cheese ball. We all go through this. It is far from easy when all the plans you had for yourself change or fall apart. I have done the therapy, antidepressants and religion. I too am still looking for whatever it is that I am missing. All I know is that I keep exploring and I find little bits of what I need along the way. I keep trying new things and so far it has helped tremendously. I too lost interest in what I used to love but once the depression SLOWLY lifted I regained my interests and appreciation for life again. It just took time and a lot of focus on my part. I think I babbled incoherently for too long. You touched a nerve with me and I wish I had more advice to give……. Nap
  6. Nap-Man
    Yup, thats is what I thought too teacup.
  7. Nap-Man
    Ok Ok!! I guess I should clarify. I don't think it is a smart idea to ask her out before we go on a long car trip together. I am fine with rejection but not when I have to spend all that time in a car with her in a few weeks. Normally I would just ask her out but this seems to be a different circumstance. Since we have a project for our client due two days before we leave for the trip I don't think it is the time to pursue asking her out. Maybe I should ask the question "is a 13 hour car trip an appropriate place to hit on a woman?" I guess after 13 hours the situation will just play itself out naturally.........That has to be equivalent to about three months of dating to know if you like someone. It just seemed to me that a woman would not ask a guy on a trip unless he was firmly entrenched in the "friend" category. -Yes, I too thought of "When Harry Met Sally".-
  8. Nap-Man
    Ok I am 27 and apparently women are still a mystery to me. I had a serious three and half year relationship that ended a year ago and I have been unable to meet anyone that I am interested in for more than a few dates. Now there is a woman in one of my graduate classes that I am working on a project with. Over the semester I have grown more and more attracted to her. We both have family from the New York City area and we were talking about our plans for Christmas. She offered to carpool with me since we are both leaving at about the same time. This is no small matter since the trip is about 13 hours from school. What do you guys think? I almost think that she would not want to do that with a guy she is interested in. It seems to familiar and comfortable. I find it flattering that she trusts me enough to ask me to go with her but it seems almost like a negative sign for any romantic future. I really haven't flirted with her since we have to operate on a professional level for our classes' client. I lightly tease her and make her laugh but that is pretty much my personality. Just curious as to what anyone thinks of the situation. Does it sound promising or not? Thanks! -Nap
  9. Nap-Man
    Ouch, Dako. I 've been there for my mom when my dad left her. I can imagine what that was like for you. Chaos: Thats why I said to just keep the diamond. The ring is far too personal but if the rock wasn't cut just for her I thought you might be able to keep it. Of course if you have a princess cut and you meet a girl that only wants a round cut you might have some problems! Hmm, maybe it is best to just get rid of it. I can only imagine what the conversation would be like if your new girl found out you gave her a rock that was bought for your ex. I guess you are screwed for the reason you said above. Everyone wants to buy a ring that is for their significant other and them alone. Not a big market for hand me down rings?? -Nap
  10. Nap-Man
    That's it, it is settled. I am paying off RayKay's debts
  11. Nap-Man
    Ahh yes, Hockeyboy, I wondered if I would hear from you on this special day today. I think I am safe with getting SuperBowl tickets this year! You hit on the real issue I have with spending the money. If I did buy something like a TV, wouldn't I just associate the TV with my past relationship? I guess that will appy to whatever I do but maybe something like an overseas trip would be better? I am investing part of it and I want to do something fun with the rest but I don't want to blow it on something I would regret later. I was not asking for exact ideas. I was curious as to what others had done and what they regretted/enjoyed. I am not attached to the money at all. The money is just a symbol of the love that was there and what I was willing to do. Chaos: My mom was just divorced this year and has had the same problem. Unfortunately, you are going to take a big hit when selling the ring no matter what you do. She had a jeweler take the diamond out of the setting and is keeping it for the future. I guess my best advice is that if the ring is not tainted with bad memories then just take the diamond and keep it for someone who deserves it. -Nap (Go Colts)
  12. Nap-Man
    It has been over a year since my ex left me. I have been sitting on quite a bit of money that I had saved for her engagement ring. This is the final piece that I have to let go of so I need to do something with it. I am over her but still get that twang in my stomach everytime I see this account I opened for her. I will invest part of it but I would like to know what others have done in similar situations to make them feel better? I was thinking of a vacation, super-bowl tickets, etc...... I think my problem is that I don't want to regret blowing all of it but I would like to have some fun with it after all the heartache. For those of you who have sold rings or been in situations like mine, what did you do? Did you regret it afterwards? Thanks, Nap
  13. Nap-Man
    I may be biased but my parents were separated for a year and it ended in divorce. They were married for 33 years. The separation was initiated by my dad and he is the one who asked for the divorce. My mom took the separation as an opportunity to work on herself and make the marriage stronger. My dad never worked on anything and realized that he did not need a wife anymore. From what I have learned from them it can be beneficial if both parties take the time too look at the marriage and work on their own inner issues that may have contributed to the downfall of the marriage. Based on most of my friend's parents past, I have rarely seen this to be the case. Many separations I have seen are really just the precursor to divorce. It depends too much on the circumstances of the separation and the personalities involved to really know if it can be a positive or a negative. -Nap
  14. Nap-Man
    My ex dumped me and I did all the "dumb" things that you are not supposed to do. I was very close to her sister and I maintained that throughout the break-up. Her sister just had a baby and I spend at least one day a week there because it is important to me to still be "Uncle" in name if not legally through marriage. It was hard at first but the more time that passes and as long as you refrain from talking about your ex I found it to be one of the best decisions I have made. She was like a big sis to me. I plan on being a part of their childs life so the occasional pangs of past memories with my ex are far outweighed by the friendship and opportunities. If these people still care about you and you about them there is no reason to cut good people out of your life because of your ex! You just have to realize that this is her family and they will support her and her new relationship no matter how much they care about you. So if issues like that come up it's best to be prepared and understanding. -Nap
  15. Nap-Man
    Demond.....Houston is roughly two an a half hours from Austin (it really depends on where you are in Houston and your driving style). It's an easy trip.
  16. Nap-Man
    I was going to suggest Austin. Great nightlife, friendly people, beautiful women, warm weather, the economy is going strong and it's dirt cheap to live there (compared to most of the coast cities). Austin lacks a professional sports team but UT does have good football! I am heading back there in a year after I finish my degree.
  17. Nap-Man
    Well there were a lot of points that made me really sit and think. Blaze, I when you said over-sensitive it really made me look back at my post-breakup history with this woman and see that I was over-sensitive. I know you did not mean that in a bad way but I really think I was taking things too personally and reading into things that just were not there. For example just because she is gushing about how nice her new man is does not mean that she thinks I was a jerk. I need to expect that all of that comes with the territory of being friends with an ex. She wants to talk to me just like any other friend she has. Denisa and inn….you two seem to understand what I am struggling with. I am not sure I want her completely out of my life. We have been friends for so long and have so many friends in common that the only way I could completely escape her is to drop all of our friends. It is very hard to not think she is keeping me a round just in case but at the same time she has proven to be a good friend even post break-up. I need to find a way to get her to back off me for a while but still preserve some semblance of friendship. I would be happiest if I could get to the point that you are at innbranna. I want to be able to be social and friendly with her without all the burden of wanting her still. I guess I just suck it up and eventually I will only look at her as a friend and not as an ex. I never thought I would still be dealing with this crap a year later!! I am taking it to heart that it is time to sack it up and deal with being only her friend or let her go completely. I just hope I can stick with it……
  18. Nap-Man
    I see that I am 2 for 2 on replies that I need to cut her off again. Just to clarify I was the "friendly rug" for the year when we were both single after the break up. Lesson learned. I will never put myself through that again. I am still unsure if she is trying to have her cake and eat it to by trying new guys and keeping me on the sidelines. We had a very close friendship for many years before we dated and I know it was an important relationship to both of us. I know that from the past that being around an ex can make me feel depressed and that does not make it easy to meet new women, date or enjoy life. I know I need to do this again. I cut her off once, it pissed her off and she still called me after two months. I never had a timeline but I knew it would take longer that a few months to get over her). I was thinking it might take a year. Should I just tell her the same thing again? I was going to tell her that I am not ready for this, I still need space and if she calls I guess if it is not an emergency to just ignore her? I just get so caught up because the trust and friendship we had for so long makes it hard to ignore her. I would rather flat out tell her that I am not ready than just not pick up the phone....... Do women really blieve that they can move a guy around in their lives as they see fit? Do they really believe that you can take a boyfriend and make him a girlfriend without any issues? Actually, I am sure men do this too but I was speaking from my point of view. I could never do that to someone.
  19. Nap-Man
    Ok, I need some advice here.... I am at a complete loss for what to do. Short summary, I was good friends with a girl for about 6 or seven years then we dated for 2 and a half, she broke up with me (amicable, no cheating, abuse, etc.). We broke up in April of 2004 so this was a long time ago. She called me everyday, sometimes 3 times a day, we went to weddings, parties, movies, dinner, etc. I tried to win her back to no avail. She said she wanted to try dating someone and finally did this May. Even when she went on a few dates with this guy she kept calling me. Well, I took it a lot harder than I thought I would and I had to cut her off. I love this girl with all my heart but I told her I felt sort of used and was not ready to see her with someone else. I needed time and space away from her because I could not talk to her this much and expect to get over her. I told her I would never throw away a long friendship such as we had before we dated but I would not contact her again till I was ready to accept this direction in her life. I said a lot more but you get the gist. Fast forward to late July and she calls me to tell me her sister had her baby and I should come see it. I was cool with that. It actually meant a lot to me that she called to tell me that because she knows how much I care about her sister and brother-in-law and how excited I was that they were having a kid. Now the problem is she is seeing this guy and I guess it may get serious. Obviously I am not ready to hear about it nor do I want to put myself through anymore pain. But she started calling me again and even asked me to dinner. What do I do here? I would love to have her back but I finally accepted the fact that it is over. I started dating again and am having fun. I wish I could be her friend but it still hurts and I feel like poop after I talk to her. I love her too much to be around her and give anyone else a chance. I thought I made it clear to her before, does she really think that I can get over losing a girl like her in two months and be ready to hear about her new man? I mean our relationship was very serious and we discussed marriage!! I know we broke up a over a year ago but it didn't really hit me till she dated again. Do I have to tell her to back off again? How do you tell a girl that a second time? I would like to be her friend in the future, she has been a very good friend in the past and I would never throw that away. I am just not ready for a friendship now but I already told her that once. How do I do this gracefully? Sorry this is so long, I might have needed to vent too!!
  20. Nap-Man
    My only advice is to go for it. I met a woman my first year in college and we became very close friends. Seven years or so after we met we started dating, it began almost exactly as you describe. Unfortunately it did not work out and we broke up. Even after all of that I would not take back the time we spend together as a couple and I have no regrets for giving it a shot. I believe the risk is worth it for the love that two friends can share!
  21. Nap-Man
    I was just goign to add to the comment of doing things that you couldn't do when you were together comment. What really helped me was traveling cross country and deciding to start a PhD program out of state. Traveling accross the country gives you wonderful perspective and I always wanted to teach at a university so I said screw it and did it. It almost seems like you start a completely new life when your significant other leaves so you might as well make the best of it! -Nap
  22. Nap-Man
    I am dealing with this right now. I am an only child and my parents are going through a trial seperation after 35 years of marriage. I don't know how to keep them together but I can offer some advice. Be there to support them but don't take sides. Don't let them use you against each other. My parents are civil but around the holidays guilt can be a powerful weapon. Sometimes I can approach one parent with the concerns of another but I don't recomend this. Basically you are old enough to have your own life and while you love your parents you have to let them work this out themselves. Just listen to them if they need it and call them out if they are being selfish or unresonable. Many times since this has happened I have found myself being the mediator or rational thinker in some situations. I know that in my situation that my mom needs a lot of support and I am the only family she has so if she needs a shoulder to cry on I try to be there. In the long run though they are your parents and you can encourage communication and therapy but it comes down to whether or not they are willing to make the commitment to work it out..... I know what this is like to go through and how mind altering in can be. Nap
  23. Nap-Man
    Thanks everyone.....I was pretty much doing what everyone suggested here anyway. I guess it is more of a confidence thing after such a long gap without practice. Its not that I think she didn't like it, I just remember women reacting more strongly in my past. Perhaps my memory is wrong?? I am thinking that this girl may just be more reserved in her reactions then my past experiences. Keep the tips coming......oh man, no pun intended...........
  24. Nap-Man
    Hey Everyone, I was originally on enotalone for other reasons but now I figured I'll try for some different advice. I am embarrassed to even have to ask for this……..Long story short, I dated a girl for many years. She was not into oral sex at all, this meant she would not give or receive any form of oral sex. No problem there until we broke up. Now that I am back out in the world I am really rusty on giving women oral sex. Apparently it is not like riding a bike. It's been over four years since I have even tried and needless to say my confidence in my abilities is shot. I know that this forum is limited by what can be described in text but I wondered if there are any previous posts that discuss some solid techniques.? I noticed a bunch of threads for giving guys oral sex but that doesn't exactly help me. I did not feel like sifting through the hundred or so pages that a "women oral sex" search turns up. If anyone has any advice on technique., advice or places to find good information let me know. I know better than to Google "oral sex techniques" and I really don't think porn is the best source for techniques that women really enjoy. Though I would like to see my roommates reaction if he caught me watching porn and taking notes! I am starting to see a new woman now and the lack of confidence in my oral technique is really starting to get to me. I know I can always listen for clues from her that I am on track or doing it correctly but I would like to see what else I can learn……. Thanks! Nap
  25. Nap-Man
    I was in daily contact with my ex for a year after the break up. We had many talks about changes and having a future together. I started to become too emotional/jealous once she went on a few dates with another man so I wrote her a letter (similar to SandyD's) and cut off contact till I heal. Its only been a month but I feel so much better. Don't get me wrong I would spend my life with this woman but I have gained control and perspective that I could not achieve while I was around her all the time. I cut the contact in a loving/gentle way while still being firm that I need to do this for me but I hope to resume or friendship in the future. We were friends for many years before dating so this may make my situation unique. Yes, it drove me insane not to talk to this woman that I have spoken to everyday for the last 5 years. Once a week had passed I started to think that it was much better than being driven insane by loving someone who doesn't know what they want. I kind of realized that just because I love her doesn't mean its meant to be and that I don't want to be back with someone who isn't sure what they want. I don't know if any of this helps at all. I would not trade the year I spend trying to work things out through friendship for the world. It is why I am so comfortable in NC, because I know I gave it my all, put my money where my mouth is and did what I could. This is what makes NC possible for me, I know I did all I could. This is why I haven't slipped up (yet). Sometimes after you have said all you can say, the begging and pleading didn't work, etc....It is best to cut them off, save yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Nap
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