Nap-Man

Yeah, I kind of thought that 4 pages was a bit much as well. I think I was venting as well as presenting my reasons for leaving. I just feel that I owe my friend of almost 10 years complete insignt into why I am doing this. I really don't think that the way I worded the letter comes accross as desperate. I just tried to explicitly communicate the way I feel so she will know without a doubt why I had to do this. I'll sleep on it a while, re-read it and make some changes when this weekend isn't so fresh in my mind. Maybe then I can shrink it down. Thanks for the encouragement. I wasn't sure if anyone would think that waiting a year to do NC was strange.

Ok, I need some advice. My ex dumped me after 2.5 years of dating. We were friends before we dated for almost 7 years. We broke up amicably. It was mostly outside influences that broke us up, i.e. grad school for me, work/school for her and generally stupid things. Since we were friends before and both stood to lose a lot by losing a friendship we agreed to stay friends and see where it went. Well since then she has called me every day since we broke up a year ago. For about the last 8 months she has been telling me that she wants to go on a date to see what it is like. Lately she has been asking if I am meeting anyone and suggested that I try online dating. I went out with her the other night and she was talking to a guy that I knew liked her. Well the combination of watching her out looking for guys and asking if I had met anyone yet really made me realize that I can't handle this. I love this woman far too much to be friends with her and see her with another man. So I need to do NC. I plan on telling her I love her with all my heart but I just can't be her friend right now. It hurts too much to see the woman I love with another man. It hurts so much more that she was my friend for so long. I know she is confused and I have been a huge support to get her through this tough part in her life but I just can't take this anymore. The letter is 4 pages long so I don't want to upload it but the gist of it is that I love her, I can't stand to see her with another man and if we keep going like we are I am going to become bitter and possibly ruin the friendship once she dates another man. So I need my space to heal and get used to a life without her. Does this sound like a reasonable way to break contact with an ex? I don't expect to ever get back together but like anything else in life I don't want to ruin any future possibilities. I want to end this as pleasantly as possible but still make it clear that it needs to end for my sanity. Any suggestions here or am I pretty much on the right track? Thanks, Nap

sorry, i didn't check this post for a while. yes, petersons has a great math review. i needed some of the review as well. my learning style works with cd-roms and reading so it was great for me. if you are at all worried just go to any borders or barnes and noble to check them out before you buy. like i said, they really helped get me in shape for the test. i would much rather spend about 60 bucks on books and cd-rom than 1000 bucks for Kaplan.

Yeah, I worked in one for two weeks as an undergrad before I walked out. I hated it more and more every day I worked. The money was pretty good but I switched to retail to save my sanity. I made less money but it was worth it to not have to go back to cold calls!

kskm, I know there are sucessful women out there who could care less. I didn't mean that all women who are with rich guys are only with them for the money. I hope that my rant didn't come accross that way. HTML was worried that most women only want guys with money. I was trying to say that there are women out there who don't and that the ones that do you need to stay away from anyway. I know many girls with wealthy men who love them deeply for who they are. I pictured HTML hanging around in bars/clubs trying to meet women and getting judged or shot down because he wasn't rich. I was trying to say that unless you are just looking for a one night stand, any woman who won't talk to you becasue you are not rich isn't worth dealing with anyway. I know there are women out there like you who don't care. I know there are guys like me who could care less what a woman does for a living......sucess is not measured by money alone. Like you said there are people out there who want you for who you are, no matter what your financial situation is like. Oh, and don't get me wrong, there are just as many guys who only care about looks or even money as there are women who do the same. I was just talking to HTML so I focsed on women.........

Just thought I would throw in my opinion here. I am a graduate student right now and don't have any money what-so-ever. I sympathize with you, it was so easy to pick up women in college and when I was working. It does get a lot harder when you can't show off your money or impress them with your spending……… There is a huge upside to this. If you do meet a woman when you are broke then you can pretty much be sure that she loves you for you. I have no idea if you are talking about meeting women to get laid or to have a relationship with. I am going to speak as if you are seeking love and a relationship. Women that are only impressed with money are the easiest to pick up when you have it and in my opinion the kind of women you want to avoid anyway. What would happen if you seduce a woman with your money and then lost your job? You think a woman that loved you for money will stick with you through that? There are always men out there who make more money than you do. Where is the security in that? What is to stop her from upgrading to a more expensive lifestyle down the road? Do you really think you can respect a woman who needs you only for money? I know it sucks and it seems like all women out there are only after the cash. That is why when you meet one who isn't and that you are attracted to you need to do everything in your power to stay with her! Trust me; I have met some amazingly wonderful women who are beautiful on the outside as well as inside. They can take care of themselves and are only looking for love out of a man. They do exist. They are hard to find because they are usually taken but they are out there. I know it doesn't help in the short term but if you meet a woman who is only interested in cash then she is shallow and won't make a good partner in your life anyway. Uhhh, if you are just trying to pick up women, then cash helps a lot! That I can't argue with. If you are not strikingly handsome or a smooth talker and you are broke it will be a tough sell! I don't know your age but the bar/club scene can be brutal on your ego if you can't hang with the rich guys! -Nap

Nice to know that I am not the only one that has this experience. ForAnother you may be right, I never thought of it that way, but it still seems like there were so many more available women when I was dating my ex. For the record I never did and never will cheat on a girlfriend, that was a joke. I'll dump them before I would ever cheat. There are too many perspectives here to address all on one post. I am so glad this got a large response. I think I like the idea of having friends who are girls around so girls think I am taken, that sounds like a smooth little game. Of course it may get shot to hell when they find out I am single. I think that the reason women are more attracted to guys is relationships may be because of the attitude that guys have when they are "taken", just like BlueCoconut said. Who knows? All of these posts made sense to me. I like that it happens to women too, or at least one!

has anyone else noticed that when you are dating someone seriously that you get hit on a lot more? I dated a girl for three years and I swear I have never had so many opportunities present themselves to me. It seemed that the more clearly I stated that I would never cheat on my woman the more women I attracted. The ironic part is once she dumped me now it is a struggle to meet quality women. Of course this assumes that women who hit on men in serious relationships are "quality". In retrospect I should have cheated on her every chance I had since she dumped me anyway. All kidding aside, I would never cheat and that was never an option in my head. Why though do women like to hit on guys that are "taken"? Is it the challenge? Is it because it is wrong? Don't they/you feel that you are doing something wrong by trying to take someone elses partner away? Is this just my experience? Does this happen to women too?

well, you put into words exactly what was going through my head. good advice. very good poing on being the one she cries to. i am never sure how to play that. it is impossible (for me) to turn someone away when they are hurting though........ no, i am 27 i am not into the meaningless sex game anymore. i have more self respect than that and would not do that to someone who is hurting. i am on this site for a reason. i don't want to be the reason someone else is on this site!

How long would you wait till you ask a woman out who broke up with her boyfriend? I know when I broke up with my exgf it took almost six months before I could date again but I was the dumpee and I still loved her. This woman is only a week out of her break up so there is no way she is ready but I was thinking that a few months down the line might be ok? I know this woman fairly well and don't want to come accross as pushy or selfish by asking her out too quickly. Thanks, Nap

I am just finishing my masters so I still remember what the GRE was like. I would wait till you are out of school to start preparing for it. The math should be cake for you since you are an engineering student. I was a bio-chem undergrad and it was no problem. This does not mean you shouldn't review the math. I had to relearn some simple geometry that I had completely forgotten since high school. Over all I would say that the GRE is not a hard test. The verbal was a bit harder for me. Check out study guides by Petersons, they have a cd-rom that helped me substantially with the verbal part. It is set up like a game show or trivia game so at least it is moderately entertaining. For the record I am a good test taker. I know some people hate standardized tests but I have always been good at them so this may be skewed. The verbal and quantitative portions are set up SAT style and the analytical writing is fairly straight forward. Honestly, if you can write a clear, logical and well structured paper you will be fine on the writing portion. I thought it was very easy and I would not stress too much about it. Just don't try to pile that on top of finals and graduation…there is no need since it is too late for you to get your scores in time to enroll for a fall semester anyway. Now if there is an engineering specific subject test with the GRE that might be a lot harder. I took the biology portion and it was not easy. It was on par with some of the MCAT material that I studied. Let me know if you have any specific questions or anything I can help with…… Nap

hey man, based on my research and dermatologist that stuff doesn't work. hair loss is based on genetics, hormones and enviornment. the only methods that work as of now are propecia and rogaine.

First off I think a lot of it has to do with taste. For some reason most of the women I think are truly beautiful often have small breasts. Now I am not going to lie and say that I don't like a woman who takes care of her body but breast size is not that important to me. I may be biased since I am a bit of a health nut so it is a huge turn off to be with a woman who does not care about her body. Probably the same way that a animal lover would not be attracted to a fur coat wearer. I doubt this will help but as I get older I focus less on looks than when I was in college. I can only speak for myself but a hot body and a dull mind and superficial personality get old real quick. I have fallen for many average looking girls that have amazing personalities, even if there was not a strong initial attraction I wound up thinking they were beautiful. When you start considering spending the rest of your life with someone then the looks start to not be so important.

rogaine sucks, it is a pain to use and smells really bad. you have to use it twice a day and rub it in your scalp. i was just starting to thin so i started taking propecia about 8 months ago. it has done wonders for me and all you have to do is take one pill a day. i dont know if it works for everyone but it really helped me.

Doesn't this go against what advice you are trying to give? To me this says if you play this game then you will get them back for a short time till they want the next hard to get person. I do understand that if you work on yourself and use this trick to get them back they may stay since you have changed. I just think that games like this are the reason that so many reconciliations are so short lived. This is just my opinion. I agree wholeheartedly that there are things you should not do to try to win someone back. I just have a hard time believing that if another person loves you that they eventually won't come back to you on their own terms. This is why I think we see so many posts stating that n/c worked or staying friends worked. In the end it probably doesn't matter what you do, they will come back if they still love you. I believe people should behave in what ever manner they are comfortable with around their ex's (within reason). If they are ok with being friends then go with that, if they need n/c then go with that. I believe you just need to do what is best for you and let the ex work things out for themselves. I don't think one method works better than the other for having sucessful and lasting resonciliations. As long as you take the time apart to work on yourself I think that is all you can do. My $0.02, Nap[/b]

actually baldness can be inherited from either parent. there are many factors that come into play to determine if you will actually go bald, but it is not only the mom' side that you should worry about. if you are really worried check out propecia. i believe at worst it will stop you from losing any more hair and at best will regrow some hair that you lost.

It's a tough situation. The city where I live is by no means small but everyone tends to do the same things. Meaning that no matter who you are with you will retrace the steps of what you did with your ex. That can really wear on you and a relationship. I will say that not being anywhere near the places you and your ex used to go adn seeing the friends the two of you shared is such a great relief. From my experience it really sucks to be stuck in a job you don't like, hung up on an ex and wondering what else other places might have in store for you. Even if you leave and return at least you will have shut the voice off in your head that keeps telling you to go explore! Like I said before, moving away and flipping your life inside out will change you. If nothing else it will put everything that has happened to you in perspective and may give you a fresh look as to what is important to you and dealing with your old relationship........good luck!

Now I know this is a double standard but I don't know any guys that have been just "curious". I think almost every girl I have known has at least kissed another woman or gone even further because they were "curious". I can't think of a single instance of a guy doing this. I know that it is unlikely that a guy would even tell another guy that he is just "curious" but with the exception of a true bi-sexual I haven't met a guy who just tried it once. Maybe it is because girls experimenting is more accepted so they are less inhibited to try new things? From my experiences the only guys I know who were "curious" turned out to be 100% gay......it was just a process they had to go through. As for the girls who were "curious"......some went back and forth, some were straight and some were gay.....

You know despite what I said before I can see how this may be true. I read your previous posts about his responses and I guess this can make sense. If he has only happy memories of the times with his ex, maybe the gay porn brings back those feelings of happiness and intimacy? It could be the same way that certain smells make me remember great times in my life. I am not saying that I am convinced what he is saying is true. I still find it very hard to believe that a straight man would choose to watch gay porn by himself. I can see how the association of gay porn and good times may be a reason that he is still looking at it. Nap

I am in a similar situation. I still have strong feelings for a woman that broke up with me almost a year ago. I am leaning towards moving away to work on my doctorate. I know from experience that once I started applying to schools out of state it made me feel better about the break up. I decided to do this because I had a girlfriend for many years in college and we broke up just before graduation. Obviously it broke my heart so I chose to move away to California which had always been a dream of mine. For me losing one dream of being with her and fulfilling a different dream of moving to the beach REALLY helped get over her and put my life on track. It is nice to be far away because for me there was no point in trying to call her, I won't run into her in a bar, I won't see her family, etc. I moved back home after a year to start on my masters and I met someone new. I was completely over my ex and just had a great experience living in LA so I was ready for a new woman, not just rebounding. I don't think that this would work for everyone, but if you have a dream of leaving for whatever reason, ie. job, mountains, water, climate, etc…..then you might as well do it. I think that the combination of losing someone and pursuing a goal of yours is wonderful medicine. I would not have been ready to meet someone new and start a healthy relationship if I had not pursued my dream and moved away. You find out a lot about yourself when you turn your life inside out. I was also in no shape to meet someone new right out of the break up, so getting into a sure-to-fail rebound relationship probably would not have helped in the long run. Now I know you can't break up and move every time but if the situation is right, I think it was a great way to heal!

Speaking as a straight guy I would find it hard to believe a straight man would find gay porn erotic. I can understand all of the cross-dressing, kinky sex part....but continuing to watch gay porn because he thinks it is erotic seems to be a huge sign to me. I don't view porn as an art form, so my opinion may be biased. I think people watch porn becasue it turns them on, I am straight and thereforeeee gay porn is not something I would choose to watch for that purpose. Maybe I am too narrow minded, but it seems to me that you watch porn that turns you on so I would guess that he is turned on by men. Nap

If that is your definition of familiarity then I 110% agree. To me familiarity was more along the lines of a "normal" friendship. In other words just being in the persons life without all of the ex-relationship talk. Trust me that I know how hard that is but when I was referring to familiarity this is what I imagined. YES! That is what I was trying to say...I think you said it a bit clearer than I did. Sometimes I think that the statistics are so poor on ex's who reunite because of the tricks that people use to get their ex's to miss them. I read your post on "Methods" and I really liked it and think that it is very wise advice. It can be so freeing if you look at ex's the way you do, I hope that others see that and read it too. The only thing I have to say is that while I agree that there is no manipulation that will get an ex back in yoru life and keep them there, there are things you can do to kill any feelings they have for you and thus ruin any chances of reconciliation. Sometimes I worry that people focus on the short term goal of just getting them back rather then what they need to do for themselves to foster a long lasting relationship with the ex or a new person.

If familiarity breeds contempt then what happens when the ex comes back because of the "mystique" you have created? After a few months won't they just split again? I would think that if a couple gets back together after friendship then the issues are more likely to be ironed out and they are not just reconciling because there was some manipulation going on. It is really hard to be friends with someone if they are dating someone else, especially if you still love them. IF you can handle it wouldn't you think that is the best way to have a successful reconciliation? By successful I mean long lasting not just getting the person back.

here is a random question. does anyone here know when we stop developing more body hair? I don't have a lot right now but I would hate to think that I may be confused for a talking ape by the time i am 40.

nope not at all. i have a good friend who has step brothers and sisters that are ages 5-10. whenever he is watching them or has them over to his house i make sure to stop by. most of the time i have more fun with the kids then i had the night before trying to have fun at the bars. i am 26 and i wasn't always this way but in the last few years i have really wanted to have kids of my own. i guess that is just our human biology that all of a sudden we start wanting kids of our own. though like you i am single and for me it's a real pain in the butt to find a woman worth starting a family with!