donut

got my answer...thanks everyone!

oh my gosh i know just what you mean!!! i am so unhappy now (ive been on and off depressed for most of my life)...i keep thinking ..."well maybe im just an unhappy person and ill NEVER be happy....so i might as well be unhappy with him!".....but i think this is probably just me rationalizing why i shoudl go back to him so i dont have to go through this now...... and then i keep worrying...whta if i wake up one morning and suddenly realize that my "gut feeling" was actually just me being crazy......

and here's another one link removed i actually went to the bookstore and looked up this book...but it wasn't something i really felt like reading. oh well.

thats what i keep trying to tell myself. but i am super super super obsessive....so then i always start questioning myself like "well is this REALLY a gut feeling? or is it sometihng else? and what if my gut feeling is based on ME being messed up.......and what if i would have had a DIFFERENT gut feeling if only id stuck it out a little longer.....stuff like that. and then i just go aournd and around in circles forever and drive myself totaly nuts. but speaking of guts.....my therapist was telling me about how scientists have recently ( a few years ago)....discovered a biological reason for gut feelings......that we actually have something like a Second Brain in our stomachs and that intestinal cells resemble brain cells more than any other cells in the body..... here's alink that i like thats about gut feelings...its pretty interesting.... link removed

rambling definitely IS theraputic. although iit makes me feel a little emarrassed that other people are reading this....but also better in a way

the short version is that things were incredibly hard from the very beginning.......we're both really similar in some ways (both suffer from lots of anxiety and depression....obsessiveness...etc)....so we connect REALLY well, but dont balance each other at all......he was super super super jealous and in the beginning of our relatinsihp i even agred to stop talking to certain friends of mine (one in particular id dated for 3 months when we first met FIVE YEARS ago....but we have been friends since then....friends far far longer than we ever were Together)......things got really controlling and weird .....he was addicted to prescription drugs and would spend the entire weekend sleeping........i got really depressed arond march and he was always mad at me about it...saying i was depressed because i didnt like him enough and other things........in july i moved out of our apartment (i moved in with him only a few weeks after we met)......we were going ot try and stay together but ended up breaking up (for a complicated reason involving a trip which will take too long to explain....but if you're interested or curious i wrote all about it in my first post entitled something like "introducing myself and whining)....(im oly listing the bad stuff because the bad stuff is why we're not together....the good stuff i could list TONS about...he's the smartest, funniest, most interesting person ive ever met.....he was incredibly loving and sweet much of the time.........) the problems were things that we were working on...he was going to a 12 step program and hasnt' takne anything in 3 motnhs at this point.......but despite the fact that things seeme dlike they were getting better, when i broke up with him it felt in my gut lik eth eright thing to do....since we've broken up ive spent tons and tons and tons of time obsesing a bout whether or not that was a mistake.....and the answer is, i still dont know. could we have tried harder? shoudl we have gone to therapy? etc etc? etc etc etc? the thing is, deep in my gut i feel like us being apart is the Right Thing (we've talked a few itmes about getting back togehter and it always makes me feel sick in my stomach)......i keep hoping that maybe in a few months we'll have grown and changed some and will be able to get back togehter..... the main thing i dont like about him (which ive told him) is that he has really low self esteem ...and it seems like all the other things are connected to that......his jealousy, insecurity, posessiveness......and when he's feeling jealous or threatened or insecure he gets really really really really mean.... during our last conversation i told him that deep in my gut i just didnt feel like we should be togehter and i loved him and missed him so much and i would love more than anything in the world to talk to him every single day and get to see hi mand i hvae no interest in anyone else..... and he said "well i tihnk you're just afraid of commitment....call me when you aren't" or something like that. and then he hung up. (im 26 and he's 33 and during our entire relationship he's always said that im just a messed up kid and that im too confused to have any idea what i want) i realize that anyone reading this post would probably get the wrong idea about him...i mena, all the stuff i said is true.......but the picture this creates is not at all the full picture...............

first day of NC with my ex boyfriend. well....sort of. i sent him text messages, and he didnt' write back (i wasn't expecting him to.......so this is no disappointment or surprise......i broke up with him but only because i had to....) i was just out for drinks (i had seltzer since i dont drink) with two coworkers and another girl we used to work with. i was sort of dreading going....because something thats worse than feeling lonely alone is feeling lonely in a group ahd haivng to fake like you're feeling just fine.........but at first it was fun..all sitting around laughing and joking and whatever. but all of them have serious boyfriends and they started talking about them and it was making me SICK......liike, so lonely i thought i was going to die. i sat ther and made jokes and gave advice and did all the tings that i was supposed to do....but it mademe feel like the loneliest person in the entire world. not even that i was JEALOUS....because mostly thye were COMPLAINING about their boyfriends...it just made me miss my ex SO much..... i sent him a text message begging him to call me but i didnt call him........and then i called my mom and when she didnt pick up i called my dad (im 26 and this has turned me into a f-ing 13 year old)...... i have friends...but talking to them doenst make me feel any less lonely....talking to my familiy doesn't help either (although i dont feel like ther are a lot of people i can call about this anymore).....the ONLY thing tha tmakes me fel better is talkinng to my ex i keep fantasizing about going over ot his house and letting myself in with his keys. ive been thinking about doing this for months (we broke up at the beginning of september) but have only resisted because i know this is "crazy" and taht if i do this i'll be ruining any chance of us maybe getting ot be friends later.......... i feel alittle bit better now but earlier i really felt like i could not take a second more of this. also, i think i was hungry.

It can only go forward, and take us with it. Thanks Ray Kay. Ugh. that's whats so hard...wondering if maybe we could have tried harder or tried more. he thinks that maybe we should be trying again...but deep in my gut i feel like our problems arent even caused by how we relate to each other (which coudl mabye be fixed) but in how we are as people........... of course...when im missing him the most i dont believe anything that i just wrote...then i think "what am i CRAZY?...how coudl i leave the person ive loved the most of anyone in my entire life?"...................we were only together 10 months....but it was a very very very intense 10 months....we had big giant problems right away....we had maybe a few weeks of "honeymoon" at the beginning...but after that........ i keep hoping that maybe in the future we'll be able to come back togehter both changed (he's in AA and working on getting over alongtime prescription drug addiction......and i have my own bunch of issues to deal with too) and maybe it will work out this is making me feel sick

ugh. it is the worst! it is! its impossible for me to get anything done! and now im working on a tight deadline and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! it makes it even harder (or..i dontk now if it makes it harder, because im sure it'd be really hard either way)...but i just keep thinking about how i know he's missing me too....and when i even let myself think about that then i start convincing myself that calling him IS a good idea.....like...for both of us! and i knwo that's screwy logic and he ASKED ME NOT TO CALL HIM...so that he coudl try and get over me. how is it possible that we love each other so much but that our being together still isnt' right!

thanks raykay! ugh i wish i could!!!im at work at my desk trying to finish this thing thats due...... i went and made a cup of tea...and now ive decided NOT TO TOUCH MY PHONE...if i dont pick up the phone there's no chance of me calling him. ARGH I HATE THIS!

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! sorry...i knwo this is not at all what i asked about...but my message is still on the board so i can't post another topic. i am trying NC....just since yesterday afternoon. ive only sent him 2 text messages so far (which i know is technically breaking nc...)...but right now i am having feeling SICK i want to call him so badly. i mean....sick sick sick sick sick. i know if i do call him he will pick up....(i was the one who broke up wit him....but i am still totally in love with him....i brke up with him because our relationship was really really unhealthy and we made each other miserable alot fo the time)......i know i need to let go but THIS IS SO F-ING PAINFUL i would call a friend or mymom or something but im scared to even touch the phone because my fingers might just decide to call him on their own if i do

so im just curious what everyone else thinks about rebounds...if they've rebounded...whether it worked out or not...or made them miss their ex more (i know this stuff is different for everyone...so im more just wondering than looking for advice......i think for me being with anyone else woudl just make me miss my ex MORE...and i coudlnt really get interested in anyone else now anyway.....)

onmyownagain, im very sorry to hear that. that must be really really hard. to you mind my asking why you split again? and when you were together for 9 years....did you have any gut feelings about it that pointed towards things NOT working out......?

thanks very much for writing w. your sitaution sounds really hard and i wish i knew something good to say to you about it really wish i did! at this point i have agred to stop calling him. i keep agreeing to it and then not-being able to stay away and calling him anwyay. but this time im really going to try and stick to it for at least a month. ihaven't seen him in such along time that alhtough i miss him horribly....well....its somehow a little easier now. i dont love him any less...but i guess time (even though we have been talking a llot) at least ads a little distance. or maybe i am only feeling like this right now because im feeling almost okay at the moment. or...relatively the thing with my ex....not oly do i love him and feel romantically for him...but i alos LIKE him a lot.....he's the funniest person and so so smart and interesting...... but i also know that when i was with him a lot of our times together were NOT good....being aroudn him made me feel depressed because he is sort of isolated from the world and just likes to sleep and watch tv.....and while i CAN get into doing a lot of sleeping and tv watching.....im usually only doing this when im depressed.....and on a deeper level..i guess i think it woudl be good for me to be with someone who was a little happier than i am....or maybe a little more balanced as a person.....and so we could balance each other instead of making each other worse...... at this point im trying to NOT let myself think too much about the wonderful amazing times (the best times of my life were also with him)......because i know when i do..tahts when i break down and call him. and calling him feels GOOD to me....but he doesn't want me to unless we're doing to be in a serious relationship (ive suggested many times that we coudl jsut see each other and spend time together....but he's not interested in that unless we're working torwards a definite future togehter)..... so i guess all i can do at this point is try and move forwards and believe that my gut has some idea what its talking about......

i dont think the fact taht she might be in a relationship should keep you from seeing where this might lead. until you know more about the situation......because you relaly dont know anything at this point except that you're attracted to her and she's attracted to you...... maybe her and her boyfriend have agreed to see other people...maybe he's been her boyfriend for a super long time and they only haven't broken up because neither of them has been interested in anyone else...maybe she's just somoene who likes flirting and attention and has no intentino of actually dating you....or maybe she thinks you might be the love of her life and she's just waiting for you to ask her out so she can dump her boyfriend and move into your room. there's just too many possibilities and until you have a better sense of whats going on it there doesnt seem to be any reason not to pursue it a bit.