donut

got my answer...thanks everyone!

oh my gosh i know just what you mean!!! i am so unhappy now (ive been on and off depressed for most of my life)...i keep thinking ..."well maybe im just an unhappy person and ill NEVER be happy....so i might as well be unhappy with him!".....but i think this is probably just me rationalizing why i shoudl go back to him so i dont have to go through this now...... and then i keep worrying...whta if i wake up one morning and suddenly realize that my "gut feeling" was actually just me being crazy......

and here's another one link removed i actually went to the bookstore and looked up this book...but it wasn't something i really felt like reading. oh well.

thats what i keep trying to tell myself. but i am super super super obsessive....so then i always start questioning myself like "well is this REALLY a gut feeling? or is it sometihng else? and what if my gut feeling is based on ME being messed up.......and what if i would have had a DIFFERENT gut feeling if only id stuck it out a little longer.....stuff like that. and then i just go aournd and around in circles forever and drive myself totaly nuts. but speaking of guts.....my therapist was telling me about how scientists have recently ( a few years ago)....discovered a biological reason for gut feelings......that we actually have something like a Second Brain in our stomachs and that intestinal cells resemble brain cells more than any other cells in the body..... here's alink that i like thats about gut feelings...its pretty interesting.... link removed

rambling definitely IS theraputic. although iit makes me feel a little emarrassed that other people are reading this....but also better in a way

the short version is that things were incredibly hard from the very beginning.......we're both really similar in some ways (both suffer from lots of anxiety and depression....obsessiveness...etc)....so we connect REALLY well, but dont balance each other at all......he was super super super jealous and in the beginning of our relatinsihp i even agred to stop talking to certain friends of mine (one in particular id dated for 3 months when we first met FIVE YEARS ago....but we have been friends since then....friends far far longer than we ever were Together)......things got really controlling and weird .....he was addicted to prescription drugs and would spend the entire weekend sleeping........i got really depressed arond march and he was always mad at me about it...saying i was depressed because i didnt like him enough and other things........in july i moved out of our apartment (i moved in with him only a few weeks after we met)......we were going ot try and stay together but ended up breaking up (for a complicated reason involving a trip which will take too long to explain....but if you're interested or curious i wrote all about it in my first post entitled something like "introducing myself and whining)....(im oly listing the bad stuff because the bad stuff is why we're not together....the good stuff i could list TONS about...he's the smartest, funniest, most interesting person ive ever met.....he was incredibly loving and sweet much of the time.........) the problems were things that we were working on...he was going to a 12 step program and hasnt' takne anything in 3 motnhs at this point.......but despite the fact that things seeme dlike they were getting better, when i broke up with him it felt in my gut lik eth eright thing to do....since we've broken up ive spent tons and tons and tons of time obsesing a bout whether or not that was a mistake.....and the answer is, i still dont know. could we have tried harder? shoudl we have gone to therapy? etc etc? etc etc etc? the thing is, deep in my gut i feel like us being apart is the Right Thing (we've talked a few itmes about getting back togehter and it always makes me feel sick in my stomach)......i keep hoping that maybe in a few months we'll have grown and changed some and will be able to get back togehter..... the main thing i dont like about him (which ive told him) is that he has really low self esteem ...and it seems like all the other things are connected to that......his jealousy, insecurity, posessiveness......and when he's feeling jealous or threatened or insecure he gets really really really really mean.... during our last conversation i told him that deep in my gut i just didnt feel like we should be togehter and i loved him and missed him so much and i would love more than anything in the world to talk to him every single day and get to see hi mand i hvae no interest in anyone else..... and he said "well i tihnk you're just afraid of commitment....call me when you aren't" or something like that. and then he hung up. (im 26 and he's 33 and during our entire relationship he's always said that im just a messed up kid and that im too confused to have any idea what i want) i realize that anyone reading this post would probably get the wrong idea about him...i mena, all the stuff i said is true.......but the picture this creates is not at all the full picture...............

first day of NC with my ex boyfriend. well....sort of. i sent him text messages, and he didnt' write back (i wasn't expecting him to.......so this is no disappointment or surprise......i broke up with him but only because i had to....) i was just out for drinks (i had seltzer since i dont drink) with two coworkers and another girl we used to work with. i was sort of dreading going....because something thats worse than feeling lonely alone is feeling lonely in a group ahd haivng to fake like you're feeling just fine.........but at first it was fun..all sitting around laughing and joking and whatever. but all of them have serious boyfriends and they started talking about them and it was making me SICK......liike, so lonely i thought i was going to die. i sat ther and made jokes and gave advice and did all the tings that i was supposed to do....but it mademe feel like the loneliest person in the entire world. not even that i was JEALOUS....because mostly thye were COMPLAINING about their boyfriends...it just made me miss my ex SO much..... i sent him a text message begging him to call me but i didnt call him........and then i called my mom and when she didnt pick up i called my dad (im 26 and this has turned me into a f-ing 13 year old)...... i have friends...but talking to them doenst make me feel any less lonely....talking to my familiy doesn't help either (although i dont feel like ther are a lot of people i can call about this anymore).....the ONLY thing tha tmakes me fel better is talkinng to my ex i keep fantasizing about going over ot his house and letting myself in with his keys. ive been thinking about doing this for months (we broke up at the beginning of september) but have only resisted because i know this is "crazy" and taht if i do this i'll be ruining any chance of us maybe getting ot be friends later.......... i feel alittle bit better now but earlier i really felt like i could not take a second more of this. also, i think i was hungry.

It can only go forward, and take us with it. Thanks Ray Kay. Ugh. that's whats so hard...wondering if maybe we could have tried harder or tried more. he thinks that maybe we should be trying again...but deep in my gut i feel like our problems arent even caused by how we relate to each other (which coudl mabye be fixed) but in how we are as people........... of course...when im missing him the most i dont believe anything that i just wrote...then i think "what am i CRAZY?...how coudl i leave the person ive loved the most of anyone in my entire life?"...................we were only together 10 months....but it was a very very very intense 10 months....we had big giant problems right away....we had maybe a few weeks of "honeymoon" at the beginning...but after that........ i keep hoping that maybe in the future we'll be able to come back togehter both changed (he's in AA and working on getting over alongtime prescription drug addiction......and i have my own bunch of issues to deal with too) and maybe it will work out this is making me feel sick

ugh. it is the worst! it is! its impossible for me to get anything done! and now im working on a tight deadline and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! it makes it even harder (or..i dontk now if it makes it harder, because im sure it'd be really hard either way)...but i just keep thinking about how i know he's missing me too....and when i even let myself think about that then i start convincing myself that calling him IS a good idea.....like...for both of us! and i knwo that's screwy logic and he ASKED ME NOT TO CALL HIM...so that he coudl try and get over me. how is it possible that we love each other so much but that our being together still isnt' right!

thanks raykay! ugh i wish i could!!!im at work at my desk trying to finish this thing thats due...... i went and made a cup of tea...and now ive decided NOT TO TOUCH MY PHONE...if i dont pick up the phone there's no chance of me calling him. ARGH I HATE THIS!

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! sorry...i knwo this is not at all what i asked about...but my message is still on the board so i can't post another topic. i am trying NC....just since yesterday afternoon. ive only sent him 2 text messages so far (which i know is technically breaking nc...)...but right now i am having feeling SICK i want to call him so badly. i mean....sick sick sick sick sick. i know if i do call him he will pick up....(i was the one who broke up wit him....but i am still totally in love with him....i brke up with him because our relationship was really really unhealthy and we made each other miserable alot fo the time)......i know i need to let go but THIS IS SO F-ING PAINFUL i would call a friend or mymom or something but im scared to even touch the phone because my fingers might just decide to call him on their own if i do

so im just curious what everyone else thinks about rebounds...if they've rebounded...whether it worked out or not...or made them miss their ex more (i know this stuff is different for everyone...so im more just wondering than looking for advice......i think for me being with anyone else woudl just make me miss my ex MORE...and i coudlnt really get interested in anyone else now anyway.....)

onmyownagain, im very sorry to hear that. that must be really really hard. to you mind my asking why you split again? and when you were together for 9 years....did you have any gut feelings about it that pointed towards things NOT working out......?

thanks very much for writing w. your sitaution sounds really hard and i wish i knew something good to say to you about it really wish i did! at this point i have agred to stop calling him. i keep agreeing to it and then not-being able to stay away and calling him anwyay. but this time im really going to try and stick to it for at least a month. ihaven't seen him in such along time that alhtough i miss him horribly....well....its somehow a little easier now. i dont love him any less...but i guess time (even though we have been talking a llot) at least ads a little distance. or maybe i am only feeling like this right now because im feeling almost okay at the moment. or...relatively the thing with my ex....not oly do i love him and feel romantically for him...but i alos LIKE him a lot.....he's the funniest person and so so smart and interesting...... but i also know that when i was with him a lot of our times together were NOT good....being aroudn him made me feel depressed because he is sort of isolated from the world and just likes to sleep and watch tv.....and while i CAN get into doing a lot of sleeping and tv watching.....im usually only doing this when im depressed.....and on a deeper level..i guess i think it woudl be good for me to be with someone who was a little happier than i am....or maybe a little more balanced as a person.....and so we could balance each other instead of making each other worse...... at this point im trying to NOT let myself think too much about the wonderful amazing times (the best times of my life were also with him)......because i know when i do..tahts when i break down and call him. and calling him feels GOOD to me....but he doesn't want me to unless we're doing to be in a serious relationship (ive suggested many times that we coudl jsut see each other and spend time together....but he's not interested in that unless we're working torwards a definite future togehter)..... so i guess all i can do at this point is try and move forwards and believe that my gut has some idea what its talking about......

i dont think the fact taht she might be in a relationship should keep you from seeing where this might lead. until you know more about the situation......because you relaly dont know anything at this point except that you're attracted to her and she's attracted to you...... maybe her and her boyfriend have agreed to see other people...maybe he's been her boyfriend for a super long time and they only haven't broken up because neither of them has been interested in anyone else...maybe she's just somoene who likes flirting and attention and has no intentino of actually dating you....or maybe she thinks you might be the love of her life and she's just waiting for you to ask her out so she can dump her boyfriend and move into your room. there's just too many possibilities and until you have a better sense of whats going on it there doesnt seem to be any reason not to pursue it a bit.

do you think its possible for two people to go their separate ways for a while (meaning NC or very minimal contact)....grow as people on their own and find each other again? (meaning like a real serious breakup in which you actually do plan to move on....) has anyone ever been apart from their ex for a *significant* amount of time...and then ended up getting back together and had it work out? anyone heard of anyone who ever did this? j know people are always talking about this but ive only heard of this happening with one couple (my friends ex got back together with his ex after they broke up....)

the truth..... but what i want to do and what my gut tells me i need to do are so different! i want to see him more than anything in the world.......but the relationship was really unhealthy and made us both feel totally crazy...... so are you saying i should go be with him or not be with him???

thanks W. ive been trying and trying and trying. but ive been talking about nothing but this for months and motnhs.....and while some of my friends are still willing to listen, i feel like im a broken record. nothing anyone says helps...nothing seems to help. I really feel like this is killing me. not to be dramatic...but thats what it feels like. i just talked to him on the phone a little bit ago....i called him at work and said that if we weren't going to talk for a while (whihc is what he says he wants) then i dont want our last conversation to have been bad (it was...he hung up on me)....... we just said the same things we always say over and over and over...i told him how much i llove him and how being away from him is killing me.....he said somethign about why wont i just be his girlfriend...i said that im not interested in anyone else and that more than anything in the world i just want to get to see him. whenever he says something about us being back together i start sweating and feel like im going to throw up (this is the gut feeling part....i guess its less gut and more...everywhere). its strange because its a very physical reaction that i get whenever he talks about us making a commitment towards each other. i feel like im slipping into a deep deep black hole with no bottom. when im not talking to him life really does seem completely pointless and not worth living. he said that he doesnt want to just see me casually and he can't be friends with me and really waht he needs to do is just forget about me. i keep begging him just to see me. im not interested in seeing anyone else AT ALL and i keep hoping if maybe i can see him again that my stupid gut feeling will go away and then we'll be able to be together.....i havent' seen him in 2.5 months even though we live in the same city. the end result of this covnesation was he said "well i guess you're jsut not ready to settle down" (i'm 26, he's 33) and said "call me when you are" and then we hung up. the problem is...no amoutn of thinking on my own changes my gut at all. i feel sick almost all the time. i do not enjoy anything. i tried just lying in bed doing nothing but watching tv. i tried keeping busy with friends. i volunteered for a bunch of stuff (that starts this weekend)...i dotn know what else to do. i cannot imagine living the rest of my life this way. what are the circumstances standing between you and your person if you dont mind my asking?

i do regularly see a therapist....but i just switched to a new one (new to me, not a new therapist) she doens't knwo me well enough to say whether my obsessing is "real" or just obsessing......and i am caught in the middle of it so its imposssible for me to tell. i felt more connected to him than ive ever felt with anyone in my entire life...but part of this is becauase we both suffer from lots of anxiety and depression and so we really Understand each other in a way that wasn't always too healthy.....the first months and months of our relationship all we did all weekend was lie in bed together and occasionally get up and watch tv. while we were together he was addicted to prescription drugs...a month or so before we broke up he stopped taking these things and is now (going to 12 step meetings...etc)......when im obsessing part of me wonders if maybe we could try being together again when he's less new to being sober........ Where do our "guts" get their information from? and how is it possible that my gut and my heart coudl be in such disagreement

just want to add....when i said i "tried to ignore" my gut feeling...this doesn't mean i didnt try to work on our problems. i made tosn and tons and tons of compromises (some of which, in retrospect, were nto healthy compromises to make....like giving up talking to certain guy friends because he was jealous...etc). pretty much our entire relationship was us trying to work on our problems. i dont think everything was his Fault by any means....but I also think we weren't able to make each other happy. there were some amazing times...but also a lot a LOT of gut wrenchingly awful ones. but somehow even though i remember feeling so terrible that doesnt' seem to matter when im missing him....... i hate this i hate this i ahte this i hate this. he says he doens't want to see me but i want to go to his apartment SO badly..... can gut instincts be wrong?

I broke up with my boyfriend early in September. I was the one who broke up with him....because in my gut I felt our relationship wasn't right. We talked about trying counseling or something....but I think the problem si something that really can't be fixed. We are too similar and don't balance each other at all. We love each other very much....but just make each other crazy. So now we're broken up. The problem is this....deep down in my gut I think I'm not supposed to be with him (at least not now).....but whenever I'm missing him the most I start to doubt this and wonder What if things could have worked? What if we'd only tried harder? (I know relationships aren't supposed to be EASY...but ours caused us both so much grief right from the very beginning). I just can't let go of him. I think about him all of the time and my life feels completely empty without him. I almost WISH he'd been the one to break up with me because then maybe I could have some kind of closure....but since I think there's a chance we coudl get back together maybe....I spend all my time wondering if maybe I made a mistake even though deep down I know that I didn't. Does thi smake any sense? I've always been super super super obsessive......so I knwo that the constant "What If's" are part of that......but this is really making me go crazy. At this point I've agreed not to call him because he says talking hurts him too much...but I think about him ALL the time. Did anyone ever have a gut instinct that they just DID'NT want to follow? For months before we broke up, I felt deep down that things weren't right...but I tried to ignore it because the idea of not being with him makes me physically sick. I thought that following my gut would make me feel better but its been over two months and I feel worse. Please help.

thats a good point

yeah. it's true. im sure of it.

For most of my life I've always felt like I was waiting for things to get started...like my life wasn't my life, but preparation for my life. I always figured things would Really get started once I left college and started my "real life." So I've been out of college for more than 5 years...and I'm starting to freak out a little. It has suddenly occurred to me that this IS my life. I'm just going ot keep getting older and older and older and then I'm going to die. It's terrifying! I just broke up with someone a couple months ago and I really really love and miss him and still think about him constantly. My friends are mostly in serious relationships, getting engaged and all that. I live in nyc where people tend to, I think, get married later than they do in some other parts of the country.....so I'm not SO behind. But I'm really freaking out. I have a job I like...but I've lost motivation to work very hard. I have friends, but my closest friends live far away. I think I'm reaching an age where peopel are less about hanging out with their friends and in groups and more about boyfriend/girlfriend time and Adult Life. I don't feel like I'm 22 anymore. I don't want to go out and get drunk all the time. In fact, I don't even drink anymore. I no longer feel like it's "lame" to stay at home on a weekend...so I've ended up doing that a lot lately. And when I do go out it's usually just out to dinner or to the movies. I live in what's supposed to be the most exciting city in theworld...but I dont' feel like I'm a part of it. I used to be so social and have a billion different friends.... I feel like I have no point and no purpose. When I was with my boyfriend I put all my focus on him and our relationship and now that we're not together I don't know what to think about anymore. I used to love reading but everything depresses me now. I keep trying to believe my friends and my parents when they say that I'm just in a slump and I won't feel like this forever. I see a therapist and I was on anti-depressants (but I'm off them now and don't want to go back on them). I wish I coudl get really into a religion, but I'm not even sure what I believe in. I feel like I'm looking for someone or something to save me and I know that I'm supposed to just go and save myself...but I have no idea how. Writing this message has made me feel like a big whiney self pity9ing cheeseball. Like...I read what I just wrote and want to vomit ....but anyway. I just thougt I'd put this up and see if anyone else knows what I mean. I will close this email with a guy in a funny hat. there.

hey kute kat, sorry your'e in this situation. i wouldnt want to be in it...and i can't imagine anyone who would. but it doenst' have to mean the end of your relationship. here's my advice: you should tell him how you feel. this sounds like obvious advice i guess...but i think most people's tendency (at least mine is, unless i really pay attention to it) when im expressing my feelings to someone is to be trying to get THEM to feel sometning in response to what im saying. (like if im telling someone im mad at them, im trying to get them to feel sorry....etc). but this never works and just leaves both people feeling bad and manipulated. don't guilt trip him. don't yell. but be totally honest. use those every popular "i" statements instead of "you" statements. peopel always respond much better to those. don't make him feel attacked, but at the same time, know you have a right to feel however it is you feel and if you're in a relationship he needs to know. if this is really tearing you apart, and he knows it, maybe he will find a different job. or maybe he will be able to comfort you enough so that you do feel okay with it. and if you've already done all this? then all you can do is relax. being turned on by someone else is just that, being turned on. and nothing more. sure, sex is important, but your relationship is about a lot more than just sex. so whether or not he's turned on looking at these girls, it doesn't matter.