jamie379

Oh yea...should I feel bad about going through his email? He says he feels invaded. How can I tak to him about that and hopefully make him see it's not how I know this is going on, it's THAT I know?

Again, thanks for the responses. If everything else about this relationship we have going on didn't seem so normal and wonderful I would have been out of there in a hearbeat. But because it's been going so well up until now I really want to try and make things work. Does anyone have suggestions about how to talk to him about it without seeming like I'm interrogating him or like I'm attacking him? Why does this stuff have to be so difficult!? If this really IS the ONLY thing that we need to get through together, that's got to be a good thing, right?

I see merrit in both of your comments. While he has kept part of his life from me, he has been totally honest about everything else up to this point as far as I can tell. I'm actually kind of surprised he was able to keep this from me, so maybe he's really good. But I hope this is it. We'll see. I'm still interested in hearing from others, so keep 'em coming!

I hope this is the appropriate place for this. Also know that I'm a guy and so is the person I'm in a relationship with, but I think this question can transcend the boundaries of sexual-preference. Ok, so here's the quick back story: I've been seeing this guy for about 4 months, and both of us really care for each other. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about being in a relationship and put up a lot of roadblocks to moving forward. He was very patient and allowed me to go through what I had to in order to become closer. We were sexually involved just about every time we saw each other. Since early July, I've pretty much become comfortable and committed to the relationship, and I had never been happier. But the 3-weeks or so we haven't been having any sexual relationship at all. I started to get pretty suspicious. So Tuesday night I slept at his place. Monday morning I got up early because I was having trouble sleeping. I left him in bed and went to check out the computer in the basement. In my looking around, I clicked on his email program and one message subject stood out at me as a response to an online ad. I wasn't intentionally on his computer looking for incriminating evidences, nor did I initially intend to read any of his email. But this message caught my eye and I opened it. After reading it and a few dozen others that he had there, I formulated the opinion that he was sleeping around, hooking up, without my knowledge. I only had a few weeks history there, but from what I can tell I can only assume that this has been going on for a long time. So longer story shorter, I confronted him about it. He was initially very disturbed that I read his email. He said he has issues he's working through and this is one of them. He seems to get off on attention and "the chase" of getting someone to be with him or find him attractive. He also said he's a very sexual person. But he doesn't want to talk about it or answer any of my questions about this problem. He says he needs to be able to work through it on his own. I was able to have him promise not to hookup from now on. So my question is this: Does this sound like something I need to let him work through? Is it something I should end this relationship over? I need a way to be able to talk to him about it without making him feel self consious or embarrassed. He says he's still very committed to me and wants to make things work. But he's also hurt that I violated his privacy by going through is email and needs to get over that before he feels guilty about what he did. He's the most amazing person I've met and I don't want to lose him. I just don't want my emotions for him to get in the way of my better judgement. Sorry for the long post. Feel free to ask questions if something's not clear, this is just off the top of my head and not much proofreading has taken place!

So, knowing what I know now, how do I go about showing affection for him without seeming too pushy? I don't want to seem too needy or make him feel uncomfortable. Now I feel like I need to let him make the next move. But I also don't want to seem completely uninterested wherein he thinks I'm losing interest.

I'm going to agree with ShySoul here...it feels like you're reading my mind! I've been feeling the same way lately. I recently came to the realization that I don't really have any "friends," as it were. With an exception or two, no one that I've kept in touch with over the years. Up until now, I think I've been content with that. But recently I met someone who I have feelings for and shows an interest in me and it is beginning to make me quesiton the way I've been leading my life. I'm beginning to feel very alone. This experience is making me question why I haven't kept any potential friendships. And it occurs to me that I think I have some sort of inferiority problem wherein I don't feel like I'm deserving of knowing the people that I've met and almost feel like I'm imposing on their lives by asking to hang out with them or keep in-touch. What could I have to offer them that they don't already have? In meeting this person and in an effort to spend time together, I have also been exposed to a social crowd that I really enjoy...one that I have known for a good while but was never really a part of. I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to acquire/keep them as friends on a long term basis without making myself seem too desparate. Anyway, figured I'd chime in to at least say "you're not alone!" and that there ARE others out there in similar (or worse?) situations. Good luck, I hope you figure things out!

I'm gonna say alot. I never would have believed it myself until I found someone who I could spend time with and be satisfied with just that.

Hey guys...figured I owe you all a little update. So last night I got up the balls to talk to him about our situation as he's dropping me off in my driveway. After beating around the bush for a minute, starting to get out of the car and then getting back in, I basically said, "Hey, you know I like you?". He came back with a basic, "Yes". Ok my turn again...and mind you, I've been practicing this conversation in my head for weeks now..."Do you like me?". Well that's not at all what I was 'scripted' to say. His response? "I'm not really looking for a relationship." So I respond with..."Well I just wanted you to know that before I met you I was perfectly happy in being single and alone." So the conversation goes on for another minute or two, basically consisting of him talking about how he feels bad about leading me on and is still getting over his first relationship (emotionally trying), and still realizing that his second (most recent) relationship is over. So the last thing he says is, "Give it time." Now that's a recap of what I can remember the morning after. It probably happened a little less gracefully than that and I'm sure I left something out. But you get the idea. I went to sleep feeling really good that I talked to him, but this morning I'm feeling uneasy again, hoping he doesn't think I was trying to push him into anything. Aargh. Sorry for the drama, completely unlike me normally. Anyway, comments welcome.

Hey Nap, that's exactly what I'm worried about. I know both of us tend to be more open with each other after a few drinks, and he's really started to come on to me after we've left the bar (usually on IM when we get home, something like "I really wanted to kiss you tonight"). My problem is that neither he nor I are like that while sober. So I feel like I have to take him out, get him (and me) liquered up, and then talk to him about this stuff. I tried talking to him the other day and just couldn't get the words out of my mouth and ended up saying something dumb. But having it backfire is my biggest fear. This is the first guy I've ever met that I would even consider dating and am scared to let him get away. Whether or not anything happens, I'm sure we'll continue to be friends. It's just very stressful. I've lived my life thus far without any stress due to relationships and have been happy, trying to figure out what everybody else's problem has been, but this comes out of left field and I'm in no way prepared for how it's affecting me emotionally. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

Thanks shorty...that's along the lines of what I was thinking. I'm still so insecure about this dating thing that even my rational thinking sounds stupid and end up questioning my every move. It's good to have some reassurance.

I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do, but not exactly sure about how to go about it since we're both really shy towards each other still, at least when it comes to relationship type stuff. Sex isn't part of the picture yet, which is a totally different issue with me and think related to how we're not super touchy people. Even though I would love to at this point, I don't know how to go about engaging him, and I think the fact that I don't know 100% how he feels about me isn't helping.

Ok, stupid question, but here' goes: How do you know when you've been casually seeing someone for about a month that you are "officially" together? I'm super new to the whole dating thing (he's not) and both of us are kind of shy and pretty masculine. Neither of us (I think) has the guts to say something to kinda of seal the deal. I don't think at this point I could say "gee, do you want to go out with me?". Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated. I want to probe him a little and see what he's thinking but not exactly sure how.

Two weeks seems a little extreme to me...but who am I to say. Thanks for the kind comments, PruFrock.

novaseeker: thanks, I sincerely hope I'm not over analyzing the situation. FoxLocke: I am actually the one least comfortable with my sexuality in this relationship, but neither of us are questioning anything about our actual sexuality. It's actually the first "out" relationship I've had. This has also brought out the largest group of people I'm out to...everybody he and I work with at this particular job know. It freaked me out at first, but I'm becoming more comfortable with it the more I realize noone there has issues with homosexuality.

Just a little intro: I'm a 26yo male and new to this site...I came accross it while seeking a place for some friendly advice. I'm also relative new to the whole gay dating scene, so any constructive advice is welcome. Long story short, I met this guy through a number of coincidences involving an online dating site and a place I used to work and now freelance at once in a while. We hit it off immediately. We're both really straight acting guys (he has told me on more than one occasion that he can't believe I'm gay), have very similar outlooks on the world, enjoy similar things, and are, as far as I know, both attracted to each other. So things were going great, we were going out to the bar in the evenings, dinner, movies, etc. This went on for two or three weeks. In that time, he asked me to a New Years Eve party his roommate and roommate's girlfriend were going to that he had also been invited to. So New Years Eve happens, we have a great time (I did atleast, he says he did), we kiss at midnight (first time for us), and crash back at a friend's appartment. In the morning, we get up, he drives me back to his place where I parked, and we go our separate ways. Now, mind you, there's been no sex, no major signs of affection on the part of either of us...neither of us are big into public displays of affection, be them gay or straight. I do, however, get the sense that he wanted to play around the night after the party. I would have obliged, in fact, had I not had too much to drink and passed out on the bed. So having said all that, since New Years he hasn't had much to do with me, hasn't called, hasn't IMed voluntarily, and seems generally uninterested. He was the one from the beginning who I thought was more into me than I was him. Now I'm realizing that I'm having the time of my life being with this guy and he seems to be blowing me off. I'm curious where I should go from here. Do I give him a few days and ask him out to dinner or the bar? Do I confront him with my observations now? Or am I being paranoid and thinking too much? I really appreciate it if you took the time to read all of this. I'm in a real emotional bind right now since this is the first guy I've gone out with who I feel a real emotional bond with.