Angry over husbands relationship with coworker

[Rose Mosse]

I read only the OP's posts.

 

His behaviour is inappropriate. Let's be real here: any energy a couple spends outside of a relationship is just energy that's not put back into the relationship. Mutual friendships are fine, clandestine ones are not. Pushing another woman to do well in a marathon is plain ridiculous. She can very well find her own motivation elsewhere and friendships of this nature rarely go well. What is she? A child?

 

Your husband's apology is warranted. If he isn't willing to distance himself from his coworker, you should be looking at a better way to live. If this isn't the type of marriage you signed up for, move forwards and live the life you deserve to live. Stop making excuses for him. You are NOT insecure. Simply work out what's acceptable for you and be true to yourself.

[Nickel Speed]

He said why he lied in his message. He didn't tell her who he went training with because he knew she would overreact, and she did. She is clearly a very insecure person.

 

I read that part quite clearly. I was telling her to address the issue.

[jimthzz]

It is a kind of a gray area here.

 

On the one hand, your H should have been upfront with you about running with a coworker. On the other hand, you should not be so insecure that he is running with a woman.

 

He's running, preparing for a marathon. He is not sneaking off to a motel.

 

While he owns being dishonest by leaving out the fact that he is running with this person, i do think there is something to his thinking about your overreactions to his running.

 

See, the thing is, mate guarding is a failed strategy from the gitgo. If he wants to cheat? Heck, if you wanted to cheat, you can do it with ease.

 

The key is to not want to do so.

 

I do not think he wants to cheat. But he has found someone who will run with him to train for a marathon.

 

Look, I get it. My 1st wife could teach a master class in sneaking around to cheat. The thing is, you can't let your demons rule your husband's behavior.

 

Personally, if it were me? I would celebrate his running. Maybe go to the event and meet the two of them at the finish line and wish them well for a great race.

[LC8328]

Everyone has some really good points. I'll add my experience.

 

My first husband didn't tell me about these dreams he was having every night about a friend of mine dying. He'd emailed her a warning because he felt strongly that something would happen to her. Of course those dreams never ended up happening but that's not the point. I looked over his shoulder and saw his email and asked him "Why didn't you tell me you were having these dreams?" He said, "I don't know, you get mad about weird things." And there it is. An insight to just one way that husbands can react to wives.

 

Now to defend myself this scenario is when I was young and dumb...sigh. I didn't make life easy for him so he opted to not tell me about these dreams. Seriously looking back it's such a trivial thing, they weren't even sexual dreams and even if they were...they're just dreams lady, geez . Regardless...my point is that your husband made a choice to not tell you to make life easier for himself. (Whether I agree or not is unimportant; those boundaries are different for everybody.) I agree that it doesn't look like they're having an affair. Personally, without knowing either of you, it looks to me he might be flattered by their friendship and/or that he finds her attractive, which is not a crime, but maybe it makes him feel a tad guilty. I don't think his reasons for not telling you is so cut and dry. Sometimes we do things without really thinking about the reason. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's a complicated thing. He chose not to tell you.

 

What is the end game here? Do you want to know about all his friends and his activities, or just the female ones? Asking seriously. Whatever it is you want, talk to him about it so you can clear the air ahead of time so you are both on the same page. Just make sure that you reciprocate.

 

FWIW...if I were in your shoes I would not be happy. I wouldn't pack up, but I would want to talk to him about why he chose not to tell me.

[Hollyj]

I can see why he withheld some truth.

Because withholding some truth actually allows him the freedom he should have within his marriage and that is to go for a run with someone with a similar interest.

 

If he had told you who he was going for a run with , would you have allowed it ? I’m guessing not.

If this colleague was male you would have had no issue , just like you had no issue when you assumed he was running alone.

 

So, please don’t make this about cutting your night short. You only have an issue with hindsight.

 

A few of us had a running thing after work a few years ago.

One of my male colleagues would join us. He loves running. I have ran with him just the two of us , sometimes him with one other female workmate and sometimes in a group. It is a female dominated workplace.

 

There have been times when I or another female co worker have texted him re running and he claims not to have received the message. He is such an honest guy and so loyal to his wife but we do think she has some insecurity issues. And we believe she read his messages and deleted them.

 

I feel so sorry for him that he has to tip toe around his wife purely to go go for a run with others.

It’s so unfair on him.

 

Perhaps, if he had not lied to her, she would have been fine. OP, would you have fine if it had been a male friend?

 

He did not cut your anniversary short, he went on a morning run.

[SGH]

His lying is concerning to me, because that is a way of avoiding the actual problems that are present in your relationshup, and could easily slip into him lying about more important things.

 

I think you do have a lot of insecurity issues, but the thing about insecurity is that it tends to be a self-fufilling prophecy. It is hard to maintain attraction to a partner who clearly thinks they aren't good enough for you and who compare themselves to every female you interact with, with the expectation that the other woman is better and more attractive. You need to realize that you are digging a hole that may actually influence him wanting to stray from the marriage.

 

Relationships are not static. They are an interactive process, and over time you guys are getting stuck deeper into an unhealthy dynamic where he believes to be happy he needs to lie to you about how he lives his life. In a regular relationship, this would be a dealbreaker for me, but you guys are married. Seek counseling either for yourself or for both of you, but don't allow this issue to continue to worsen.

[charity]

As a runner I will add this, When you find a running buddy who is a good match, you take every opportunity to get out there with them and get those miles done. If I was training for a half marathon and someone offered to run a 10 miler with me I would be ON THAT - man woman - doesn't matter. If I had to even consider my partners feelings about my choice of running partner (let alone, let my partner dictate if I go or not?)...well I would not be happy.

[tattoobunnie]

 

When I asked him if he ran alone he said yes.

 

He gave me his phone immediately, saying I am crazy

 

Lady, he tried to turn it around on you. Oof...his deflection is BAD. He outright lied all morning and to your face. And he gets to call you crazy?

 

And there is this feature on all smart phones now where you can delete specific messages on the fly.

 

So, maybe not her, but the fact he just lied about it so easily about going to hang out with her. I would trust him about as far as you can throw him. Check his emails, social media accounts, trash email folders, phone records. He smells worse than fish that's been sitting out for days.

[DancingFool]

It wasn't just some run of the mill weekend, but your anniversary. Instead of staying in and making it a special morning, he opted to go out and run with this woman. He knew, by his own admission, that it would upset you, but chose to go anyway and chose to lie about it to minimize the damage. That's a shady option and sorry, as much as I'm into sports and competitive training, there are times when you opt to do things with your SO, IF you want to have a relationship that is. What I see in his behavior is emotional detachment from his wife.

 

I think the rest of his behavior/reactions are equally shady. Like he was too ready to prove himself with his phone, almost like he was anticipating the need. His assumption that his wife had packed a bag to leave is also odd. Something more on his conscience than meets the eye? Sorry, OP, but I wouldn't trust him and would actually investigate this friendship further. We have intuition for a reason. It rings alarms because there is something worth looking into even if not quite rationally or tangibly obvious...yet....

[Billie28]

OP have you ever packed a bag and left the house to stay elsewhere before without telling him?

[Afireblue]

His lying was not cool, at all, as lying is never cool.

 

That said, I agree with the others who see this as an insecurity issue that has never quite been resolved. Not pointing a finger at you or him, but at a general dynamic that could use some adjusting. One of these low-simmering tension points that are easy enough to ignore, at least until someone makes a friend of the opposite sex.

 

Granted, everyone seems to have different boundaries about this sort of thing, but in my opinion there needs to be room for new friends of both genders inside a relationship. He and his coworker share a passion for running, are pushing each other for a half-marathon—this is the sort of thing I'd imagine, in theory, both of you would prefer to be able to be shared with support instead of skepticism. He'd probably like to tell you about this friend, about a run, and be confident you'd be excited for him. He didn't feel that, for whatever reason, and in avoiding confrontation he dug a bigger hole, a bigger divide, by hedging.

 

Calling you "crazy" is also never cool. Hopefully that's not a regular occurrence, especially since, at the end of the day, he did lie. And from his text he seems to know he messed up, and held himself accountable. Since nothing here points remotely to anything like infidelity, I'd use this moment as a chance to get closer and more secure, together, rather than one to drift further apart. He sounds like a good guy, a good husband. I'd suggest setting up a dinner with his friend and her husband—a chance for all of you to hang out, to see that, big picture, there's nothing to worry about.

 

I have to agree with bluecastle over here 100%

 

You need to work to resolve those insecurity issues and address the lying on his part.

 

If you have ever trained for a half marathon, you would understand why he went. As would I... Heck yes, I would go on the morning of my wedding anniversary!

 

Open communication is always the best, all the luck to you

[Glata]

His lying was not cool, at all, as lying is never cool.

 

That said, I agree with the others who see this as an insecurity issue that has never quite been resolved. Not pointing a finger at you or him, but at a general dynamic that could use some adjusting. One of these low-simmering tension points that are easy enough to ignore, at least until someone makes a friend of the opposite sex.

 

Granted, everyone seems to have different boundaries about this sort of thing, but in my opinion there needs to be room for new friends of both genders inside a relationship. He and his coworker share a passion for running, are pushing each other for a half-marathon—this is the sort of thing I'd imagine, in theory, both of you would prefer to be able to be shared with support instead of skepticism. He'd probably like to tell you about this friend, about a run, and be confident you'd be excited for him. He didn't feel that, for whatever reason, and in avoiding confrontation he dug a bigger hole, a bigger divide, by hedging.

 

Calling you "crazy" is also never cool. Hopefully that's not a regular occurrence, especially since, at the end of the day, he did lie. And from his text he seems to know he messed up, and held himself accountable. Since nothing here points remotely to anything like infidelity, I'd use this moment as a chance to get closer and more secure, together, rather than one to drift further apart. He sounds like a good guy, a good husband. I'd suggest setting up a dinner with his friend and her husband—a chance for all of you to hang out, to see that, big picture, there's nothing to worry about.

 

Thank you for your response and perspective. I’m getting torn to shreds on here but maybe it’s necessary. I don’t know anymore. Just very hurt and lost because that is not the kind of relationship I want with my husband.

[bluecastle]

Thank you for your response and perspective. I’m getting torn to shreds on here but maybe it’s necessary. I don’t know anymore. Just very hurt and lost because that is not the kind of relationship I want with my husband.

 

Can you say more about what you mean by "not that kind" of relationship with your husband? As in: what kind of relationship are you wanting?

[Glata]

Can you say more about what you mean by "not that kind" of relationship with your husband? As in: what kind of relationship are you wanting?

 

Our relationship has honestly been easy (aside from a brief period before we got married) we don’t fight, we laugh, we are honest and we are honest with each other.

 

As naive as it may sound, he is not a sneaky, sleazy cheater. I work in corporate NYC and I am so thankful that I don’t have to worry about him ever being that way. He is easy going, very kind and just a homebody.

 

Therefore this whole thing caught me off guard but honestly what they say about a woman’s intuition is true. I knew after he suddenly wanted to attend a work party (no spouses allowed) that something was up. I agree that I am insecure. I was abandoned by my parents when I was little, I have had several years of therapy (for those who continuously suggest I get some help) and both I and my husband are aware of that. I know I need reassurance at times and I need to feel safe. Not to be confined with being clingy. I have my own friends, my own life but my priority is my husband and our home and that’s what he makes me feel like is his priority too.

 

 

The fact of the matter is that he lied. He left me in bed on the only day of the week where we get to sleep in, lay in bed together to go meet with a woman who has developed a friendship with. I am not accusing him of cheating on me. I am accusing him of being a sneaky jerk who has to check himself and understand boundaries that this lady doesn’t seem to have.

 

And yes, she’s cute and I’m sure she is very nice. In their texts she talks about which one of her kids is sick and how she hopes she can run a half marathon with her old hips.

 

I feel threatened by their little thing and not by his other coworker friendships. Do you know why. Because he tells me about them and doesn’t sneak around to meet them on the weekend in a fn reservoir.

 

That’s all I got

[Starlight925]

I've read through this entire thread, and Giata, you're right: This was wrong of him, on so many levels.

 

Once in a marriage, outside friendships of the opposite sex should either be inclusive of the marital partner, or they should not exist.

And lying about it only shows that he realizes he was wrong.

 

He's trying to blame you for the fact that he "had to" lie. Gaslight much?

 

And on your anniversary? Really? He pre-schedules a running date with another woman, and lies to you about it.....on your anniversary? And calls you crazy???

 

There's something very wrong here. And it ain't you.

[SherrySher]

Lady, he tried to turn it around on you. Oof...his deflection is BAD. He outright lied all morning and to your face. And he gets to call you crazy?

 

And there is this feature on all smart phones now where you can delete specific messages on the fly.

 

So, maybe not her, but the fact he just lied about it so easily about going to hang out with her. I would trust him about as far as you can throw him. Check his emails, social media accounts, trash email folders, phone records. He smells worse than fish that's been sitting out for days.

 

I agree with this. Your husband was in the wrong. Him lying makes things look very deceptive and now he's making you feel guilty for it, how nice of him!

No, he shouldn't be running around with this woman.

They are both crossing boundaries they should not be crossing.

He obviously knows it's not right as he is not being transparent about it.

 

It wasn't just some run of the mill weekend, but your anniversary. Instead of staying in and making it a special morning, he opted to go out and run with this woman. He knew, by his own admission, that it would upset you, but chose to go anyway and chose to lie about it to minimize the damage. That's a shady option and sorry, as much as I'm into sports and competitive training, there are times when you opt to do things with your SO, IF you want to have a relationship that is. What I see in his behavior is emotional detachment from his wife.

 

I agree with this too. Something's not right.

 

I don't agree with the others who are telling you that this is your fault and your insecurities, that's bull.

He and she are finding ways to meet each other and now that you've found out, he plays the old gas lighting card and makes it out like "you're crazy"..."you're making things up"..pfffft.

 

I don't believe him for one second.

[bluecastle]

So all that, to me, sounds very promising.

 

Like, you two sound pretty great, and, at least from these removed seats, this whole thing doesn't sound like more than a hiccup if handled well.

 

Per my first post: Why not, after a calm talk about things, just suggest a dinner the four of you? Deflate the tension balloon instead of blowing it up more, demystify the mystery, negate the the threat.

 

He lied, yeah. And he's owned that and apologized, yeah? And it's a lie that, in the grand scheme of global order and your relationship, is not massive. More like a little bug in the operating system of your relationship dynamic—a little place where you guys haven't learned to handle a certain kind of conflict. A place where he tiptoes around certain insecurities and you get a bit edgier than usual. Great—spotted. Time to write a bit of new code, smooth those edges out, together.

 

Right now you're pissed. Cool, be pissed for a minute. But try to separate how much of that anger is because of him meeting up for a run at a "fn reservoir" and how much of it may be connected to those deeper, low-simmering insecurities. You seem to know that he's not cheating, but that he made a friend who happens to be female, who is helping him run, but whom he didn't feel comfortable telling you about because he feared some "fn judgement."

 

Time for both of you to remove the "fn thorn" from things is the way I see it, and this ultimately harmless snag has presented an ideal opportunity for that. No real harm done. Better to make this a path to deeper peace than the start of an unneeded war.

[SherrySher]

That is definitely an option, suggest you and he meet up with her and her husband.

 

I can see him not okay with this, though.

[Glata]

So all that, to me, sounds very promising.

 

Like, you two sound pretty great, and, at least from these removed seats, this whole thing doesn't sound like more than a hiccup if handled well.

 

Per my first post: Why not, after a calm talk about things, just suggest a dinner the four of you? Deflate the tension balloon instead of blowing it up more, demystify the mystery, negate the the threat.

 

He lied, yeah. And he's owned that and apologized, yeah? And it's a lie that, in the grand scheme of global order and your relationship, is not massive. More like a little bug in the operating system of your relationship dynamic—a little place where you guys haven't learned to handle a certain kind of conflict. A place where he tiptoes around certain insecurities and you get a bit edgier than usual. Great—spotted. Time to write a bit of new code, smooth those edges out, together.

 

Right now you're pissed. Cool, be pissed for a minute. But try to separate how much of that anger is because of him meeting up for a run at a "fn reservoir" and how much of it may be connected to those deeper, low-simmering insecurities. You seem to know that he's not cheating, but that he made a friend who happens to be female, who is helping him run, but whom he didn't feel comfortable telling you about because he feared some "fn judgement."

 

Time for both of you to remove the "fn thorn" from things is the way I see it, and this ultimately harmless snag has presented an ideal opportunity for that. No real harm done. Better to make this a path to deeper peace than the start of an unneeded war.

 

I like you bluecastle. Thank you it does make sense if I try look at the situation objectively

[mines]

As a distance runner, I have to chime in here. I do my long runs on Saturday morning with my running club, and it's a mixture of men and women, mostly married, all ages. Very few are couples that run together. It's not uncommon whatsoever to have someone with us on their anniversary, or spouse's birthday, or Valentine's Day or whatever other "special day" for a morning long run, and we'll talk about their plans for celebrating later that day or not. When training for a race, you just don't take a long run off the schedule - those are key runs.

 

Many of my running friends text each other, men and women, myself included, and it's usually funny stuff, jokes that happen during run, or even serious details about logistics for a run/weather/race, etc.

 

I personally would have an issue with the lie about who he was running with - although I can see why he didn't want to cause a big blow-up. However, I guess my POV is that I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I had to lie to, about my running buddy.

 

I'm also reminded weekly, that we running friends see (and smell!) each other at our absolute worse - it's not like a Nike ad. We are sweaty, smelly, stringy hair, no makeup (or melted makeup) and we are working hard - when we all meet up at a party (spouses included!) a few of us don't recognize each other LOL!

 

To me, nothing sounds like cheating here - but it does sound as if the OP is a bit paranoid/insecure. I do wish you the best of luck OP, I truly hope things work out!

[ThatwasThen]

My guess: He's attracted to her and that's why he lied to you. He's got some guilt about something and he's turning it around on you. He's even got half the people here turning it around on you calling you insecure when his actions are what made you insecure... not that you simply are.

 

Anyway, he's apologised. Told you how much he loves you etc. Lets see if he respects you now and introduces you to his running mate (if he hasn't already )and he's honest about where he's off to and with whom. Ya know, common courtesy/decency when you're married/or otherwise connected.

[JA0371]

I don’t think your husbands actions are in of itself ‘ wrong”..but women are very intuitive and lets be honest....his co worker is an attractive woman who does have common interest as him. My main issue was that he was deceptive. Yes he gave you his phone....because really he had no other recourse. If cell phones didn’t exist you’d simply have to believe him....and would you? At the end of the day....YOU know your husband ..more than a bunch of online strangers. So..based on that alone, do you believe him?

 

I will say reading his message to you..he sounds sincere...but only you know that.

Keep us posted.

[IAmFCA]

As a distance runner, I have to chime in here. I do my long runs on Saturday morning with my running club, and it's a mixture of men and women, mostly married, all ages. Very few are couples that run together. It's not uncommon whatsoever to have someone with us on their anniversary, or spouse's birthday, or Valentine's Day or whatever other "special day" for a morning long run, and we'll talk about their plans for celebrating later that day or not. When training for a race, you just don't take a long run off the schedule - those are key runs.

 

Many of my running friends text each other, men and women, myself included, and it's usually funny stuff, jokes that happen during run, or even serious details about logistics for a run/weather/race, etc.

 

I personally would have an issue with the lie about who he was running with - although I can see why he didn't want to cause a big blow-up. However, I guess my POV is that I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I had to lie to, about my running buddy.

 

I'm also reminded weekly, that we running friends see (and smell!) each other at our absolute worse - it's not like a Nike ad. We are sweaty, smelly, stringy hair, no makeup (or melted makeup) and we are working hard - when we all meet up at a party (spouses included!) a few of us don't recognize each other LOL!

 

To me, nothing sounds like cheating here - but it does sound as if the OP is a bit paranoid/insecure. I do wish you the best of luck OP, I truly hope things work out!

 

I agree with this except I find one on one training pals kind of personal. Its sort of an intimate habit, running together, only two people. That feels like holding one's hand a little close to the flame.

[IAmFCA]

OP, you and your H have a lot of good solid ground to stand on.You: "I am sorry I am sensitive about your friendship. If I want you to tell the truth and to be transparent, then I need to be a partner who will listen for understanding. I will do my best to do that."

 

H: "I am sorry I lied. I was afraid to hurt you on our anniversary. Next time I will be transparent about my decisions and I will trust you as my partner."

 

You: "I am concerned that this friendship puts you both in position to feel drawn toward each other. Even though that is not your intention. The only protection I/we have is to feel connected with each other. I didn't realize how important saturday morning is for me, because it is when I finally connect after the long week. Will you be running every Saturday? Can we set a time aside that is just for us?"

 

Something like that maybe?

[Billie28]

I agree with this except I find one on one training pals kind of personal. Its sort of an intimate habit, running together, only two people. That feels like holding one's hand a little close to the flame.

 

As a previous runner I disagree.

Personally I always prefered running alone but my best training runs were actually done with a running partner, especially one on one , over a group. And yes I did run one on one with a married male colleague while I was single.

 

I can guarantee you it was not intimate in the slightest.

It was challenging for me especially since he was capable of running a kilometre 1.5 minutes faster than me.

I was super grateful to him for his motivation and challenging me.

 

That was about 8 years ago. I have met his wife just a handful of times. We still work together.