Angry over husbands relationship with coworker

[RayofLighten]

Perhaps, if he had not lied to her, she would have been fine. OP, would you have fine if it had been a male friend?

 

He did not cut your anniversary short, he went on a morning run.

 

If he told the truth she still wouldn't be fine.

[RayofLighten]

Our relationship has honestly been easy (aside from a brief period before we got married) we don’t fight, we laugh, we are honest and we are honest with each other.

 

As naive as it may sound, he is not a sneaky, sleazy cheater. I work in corporate NYC and I am so thankful that I don’t have to worry about him ever being that way. He is easy going, very kind and just a homebody.

 

Therefore this whole thing caught me off guard but honestly what they say about a woman’s intuition is true. I knew after he suddenly wanted to attend a work party (no spouses allowed) that something was up. I agree that I am insecure. I was abandoned by my parents when I was little, I have had several years of therapy (for those who continuously suggest I get some help) and both I and my husband are aware of that. I know I need reassurance at times and I need to feel safe. Not to be confined with being clingy. I have my own friends, my own life but my priority is my husband and our home and that’s what he makes me feel like is his priority too.

 

 

The fact of the matter is that he lied. He left me in bed on the only day of the week where we get to sleep in, lay in bed together to go meet with a woman who has developed a friendship with. I am not accusing him of cheating on me. I am accusing him of being a sneaky jerk who has to check himself and understand boundaries that this lady doesn’t seem to have.

 

And yes, she’s cute and I’m sure she is very nice. In their texts she talks about which one of her kids is sick and how she hopes she can run a half marathon with her old hips.

 

I feel threatened by their little thing and not by his other coworker friendships. Do you know why. Because he tells me about them and doesn’t sneak around to meet them on the weekend in a fn reservoir.

 

That’s all I got

 

Why is it not OK for men to have female friends? Yet it's OK for women to have male friends? There is nothing to feel threatened about. He has proved there is nothing going on. They are just running partners and both happily married. You have some intense paranoia issues that will inevitable drive a wedge between you. You will push him away.

[Wiseman2]

Lying to go off with any friends, m/f is still not ok. And he protests too much and is super over defensive. The female coworker is not so much the issue as the need for deception and need for mounting a huge obsequious defense.

[RayofLighten]

Clearly there are a lot of mixed opinions here. Mine is that she is intensely paranoid over nothing and this is why he chose not to mention who he went running with. She has problems. Everyone is entitled to their opinions though.

[SherrySher]

She has reason to be paranoid! He is being cutesy with his co worker and he lied about going to go see her on their anniversary!

 

He should have been at home, making a special breakfast and waking her up with kisses on such a special day. Not sneaking out to go see this other woman and then lying about it!

 

Any other day I could see that him going out wouldn't have been a huge deal but that is a very particular day, for him to pull that and lying about it, only makes it look like he knew what he was doing was wrong.

 

Unless her husband is okay with all 4 of them meeting and sitting down and talking, then I would say something is definitely up.

But even then, this situation needs to be kept a close eye on.

 

OP has every reason to be cautious with how her husband has behaved. Anyone with any sense would be careful and watch what's going on!

[Lester]

Most cheating starts innocently. (Without more background on your husband, I can't say this is true in you case.)

 

Confused ideas of love and marriage, unresolved issues, loneliness, boredom, unfulfilled dreams, etc. can make a person vulnerable to any attractive person who may come along.

 

The encounter inevitably occurs.

 

It is NOT instantly hot and physical, but instead, a slow innocent (or so they think), increase in time spent together. (Emotional cheating)

 

During this period the victim, accepts and makes all kind of crazy excuses for HER failure.

This wasted time allows the affair to continue.

 

First Aid:

To understand infidelity, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book. Don't confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL with today's watered-down, anger laced knockoffs.)

 

Stop wasting time.

[katrina1980]

If he told the truth she still wouldn't be fine.

 

I beg to differ.

 

OP has said he has other female co-worker friends which she has no problem with, the only reason she has a problem with this friend is because he wasn't up front about it like the others, in fact he flat out lied to her about it!

 

That implies deception right there, and yeah I'd be concerned too.. Any woman would regardless of her "insecurities."

 

I don't buy for one second he didn't tell her cause he was afraid she would over-react (thus, placing blame on her and her "insecurities" versus on him for lying). What a spin!

 

Why would she react anyway? She never has before with any of his other female friends.

 

His behavior reflects a guilty conscience, he anticipated a reaction, because he knows his motives with this other woman are disingenuous and worthy of a reaction. So he chose to withhold, in short, lie.

 

Guilty conscience and one does not have a guilty conscience when they don't think they're doing anthing "wrong" and their motives are honorable, genuine and sincere.

[Billie28]

Lying to go off with any friends, m/f is still not ok. And he protests too much and is super over defensive. The female coworker is not so much the issue as the need for deception and need for mounting a huge obsequious defense.

 

He lied because he actually just wanted to run with a running partner but if he told her he was meeting a running partner who just happened to be female , he knew the outburst that was to come.

How did he know? Because this isn’t the first time.

 

The OP has twisted the story in her favour. She said it was their anniversary. They went out for diner that night.

On their anniversary he left early to go meet a girl for a run.

He left home in early hours to do that , not left the dinner like she made it sound.

And she had no plans in the morning with him , they had an evening dinner.

She was absolutely fine that he went for a run in the morning UNTIL she found out who with.

She never asked who he went for a run with until she heard from a friend that she saw him running with a female.

 

I am not surprised that he is defensive, he is reacting to an attack! That’s a natural response.

 

Yes he told a lie , if I was in his shoes , I wouldn’t have, I would rather let a psycho controlling partner go because to have to lie to keep the peace because you have an insanely jealous partner is just not worth it.

Hopefully he will leave her soon because I feel so sorry for him.

[Billie28]

Most cheating starts innocently. (Without more background on your husband, I can't say this is true in you case.)

 

Confused ideas of love and marriage, unresolved issues, loneliness, boredom, unfulfilled dreams, etc. can make a person vulnerable to any attractive person who may come along.

 

The encounter inevitably occurs.

 

It is NOT instantly hot and physical, but instead, a slow innocent (or so they think), increase in time spent together. (Emotional cheating)

 

During this period the victim, accepts and makes all kind of crazy excuses for HER failure.

This wasted time allows the affair to continue.

 

First Aid:

To understand infidelity, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book. Don't confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL with today's watered-down, anger laced knockoffs.)

 

Stop wasting time.

 

Only when the marriage is already in jeopardy and a partner feels the need to be secretive because of an insanely jealous partner.

 

He just wants to go for a run with someone else who wants to.

That’s it!!!!

 

He is not interested in his colleague otherwise.

Yes it is innocent!

If he ever had an affair with this running partner it would only be because the op has pushed him away soo much.

And he seeks comfort elsewhere because he certainly isn’t getting it at home. He is being berated instead.

And people on here are not helping her by telling her that her husband is an ass when in fact she is.

 

She doesn’t trust him. What’s next? She goes with him on his runs but follows slowly in a car?

[Billie28]

I beg to differ.

 

OP has said he has other female co-worker friends which she has no problem with, the only reason she has a problem with this friend is because he wasn't up front about it like the others, in fact he flat out lied to her about it!

 

That implies deception right there, and yeah I'd be concerned too.. Any woman would regardless of her "insecurities."

 

I don't buy for one second he didn't tell her cause he was afraid she would over-react (thus, placing blame on her and her "insecurities" versus on him for lying). What a spin!

 

Why would she react anyway? She never has before with any of his other female friends.

 

His behavior reflects a guilty conscience, he anticipated a reaction, because he knows his motives with this other woman are disingenuous and worthy of a reaction. So he chose to withhold, in short, lie.

 

Guilty conscience and one does not have a guilty conscience when they don't think they're doing anthing "wrong" and their motives are honorable, genuine and sincere.

 

She hasn’t reacted before about his other female colleagues because he never met them one on one outside of work. He has no interest to. His ONLY interest to meet this one was to go for a freaking run! Like I have with a married male co worker. I have no interest in meeting him outside of work except for that!

 

The OP clearly has massive insecurity issues that her husband has had to deal with before. Just because that wasn’t with workmates , doesn’t mean he hasn’t been berated for female friends outside the workplace.

 

You , I am sorry, are not seeing this post clearly. And not taking in that the op is biased as well.

[Wiseman2]

My post was intended for the OP, not a response to any of your posts. Other posters don't need a recap of everything. I believe they can all read the OP's posts themselves.

He lied because he actually just wanted to run with a running partner but if he told her he was meeting a running partner who just happened to be female , he knew the outburst that was to come. The OP has twisted the story in her favour.

[katrina1980]

Billie wrote:

You , I am sorry, are not seeing this post clearly. And not taking in that the op is biased as well.

If you want to actually help the op , you need to learn to read between the lines

 

Billie, it would be helpful if you could respond to other opinions without insulting the poster(s) (in this case, me) by telling them they're not seeing things clearly and need to read between the lines. Not the first time I have read this from you.

 

I've been on this forum a long time, I am quite adept at reading posts and forming opinions.

 

What I posted was my opinion. Other posters also share my opinion. Some share yours..

 

Opinions are never wrong or right, they're just, well, opinions.

 

You have yours, others have theirs.

 

What I read was that OP's husband left early in the morn on their anniversary to go for a run. She had no problem with that.

 

Later a friend told her she saw him running with a woman, when OP asked him about out (not attacking, not accusing) he lied and said he went running alone.

 

That is when OP got upset, after he lied. I would too!

 

There is absolutely no evidence that OP is "insanely jealous." And a bit curious how you came to this conclusion based on what she posted.

 

Anyway, this is my opinion and I'm sticking to it!

 

I respect your opinion and would appreciate it if you would respect mine.

 

Thanks!

[ThatwasThen]

Well, all I can say is that I wouldn't give a crap if my husband went running with a mixed group but to leave me to go running one on one with a female coworker on a Saturday (our time together) who he has interaction with every single day of the week wouldn't sit well with me. I'm not insecure and I'm not paranoid. I just find it inappropriate. Particularly if I've never met this coworker of his and he lied to me about what he was doing.

 

Going by the Ops Opening Post and any/all reposts since: The odds are high that he lied because he knows that within their own relationship boundaries, that kind of one on one interaction with the opposite sex isn't something that they mutually agreed would be suitable... but he wanted to so he did and he lied about. PERIOD.

[Glata]

Update : I appreciate all the advice. Even those who have called me an insecure wife of horror lol. It’s certainly eye opening and made me question whether or not I have a right to be deeply disappointed and angry - I do.

 

The bottom line is that I truly, honestly think the world of my husband and I do not think he cheated on me. But the fact the he lied to me completely crushed me and just keeps making me wonder why. I can’t wrap my head around it. I have great relationships with his coworkers. I don’t need to know his every move and I love that we can have our own lives but a very strong and together marriage. He told me he was going for a run. I said great! I told him once you hit 10 miles try to get the extra 3. I was slightly disappointed to lay in bed without him on our anniversary in the morning (he did NOT cut our Anniversary night short) but I didn’t say anything and went food shopping and got him allllll his precious protein. Now fast forward to the following day when my friend wishes us a Happy Anniversary and tells me she saw my husband running at a great pace with his friend. I ask him did you run with anybody? He says no? I ask again because she is saying he definitely was, emphasizing that he was doing great. Then he finally tells me he ran with his friend from work. Boom - I flip out about it. I ask who? I ask why not just tell me? I ask how long it was planned. He acted like it was no big deal and apologized for not mentioning it. I get angrier. He sleeps like a baby and I am tossing and turning thinking of a million scenarios. I told him I am not going to be with a liar and explained that if the shoe was on the other foot he would be equally angry and confused.

 

I was beside myself. Over analyzing - yes. I did in fact go out after work because I absolutely dreaded coming home and now he has not stopped apologizing. He contacted my stepmother and best friend for advice of how to make it right. He is losing his mind explaining that if I could only understand how insignificant it is and that I would not react this way but he was trying to put himself in my shoes and admitted it would suck.

 

I know nobody is perfect but if you knew him you would think he is. I thought of him as the most loyal, kindest, funniest and devoted man and right now I wish he was gone.

 

The thought of him having a connection with someone and then hiding it to be with them to exercise their shared passion is crushing me. I don’t think that makes me an insecure person.

 

Trying to be diplomatic and rational but don’t know where to go from here so any advice is always appreciated.

[katrina1980]

Glata, I don't condone lying at all but instead of flipping out, and hating him now, wanting him gone, which is an over-reaction imo, why not speak to him in a calm rationale manner and ask him why he felt he needed to lie?

 

If he responds saying he feared you would over-react, explain that it's not the fact he went running with her (or is it? cause now I'm confused about that) but the fact he lied.

 

The lying is causing you to lose trust, not a good feeling!

 

That said, be honest, with yourself mostly. You say the fact he has this "connection" with another woman, and that they went off sharing a mutual passion is crushing you.

 

This suggests it's not just the lie, but that he has this "connection" with her and you're freaking out.

 

I don't know, you say he keeps apologizing and he's a great guy and husband.

 

Is there any way you can calm yourself down (I do yoga) and then discuss with him without throwing fits your respective boundaries? And that lying is never okay under any circumstances?

 

Gosh, I'm not sure what to think after reading your post, tbh.

 

But freaking out and wanting him gone isn't gonna resolve anything.

 

It may be nothing more than a bad judgment call on his part; there may be nothing going on at all, and this "connection" you seem to think he has with her may be due to your insecurity/anxiety that you don't feel you deserve a great guy like him (which is how you described him), and are afraid he may leave you.

 

None of this may be conscious, but something to consider moving forward?

[SherrySher]

So the question I would have is, did he lie because he forgot to mention her or did he lie because he thought you would be mad?

 

I mean, if he had planned this with her than surely he didn't "forget". That being said, has he mentioned not telling for fear of upsetting you?

 

What reason did he give?

 

I think if it were me, that would be what was bothering me the most.

[SherrySher]

I am stuck on the fence to be honest.

 

On the one hand, I understand how you can feel so hurt that he and this woman clearly share some kind of bond that he does not want you interfering with or wanting to tell you about.

 

On the other hand, what if it is all innocent and you're getting worked up over nothing?

 

He either lied because he knew you wouldn't like him having this friend or he lied because he didn't want you to ruin things with her.

 

Gosh, I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

It would have made it seem so much more innocent had he just talked to you about her and planning on meeting her etc, before he went and did it.

 

Now it just seems sneaky.

[katrina1980]

I am stuck on the fence to be honest.

 

On the one hand, I understand how you can feel so hurt that he and this woman clearly share some kind of bond that he does not want you interfering with or wanting to tell you about.

 

On the other hand, what if it is all innocent and you're getting worked up over nothing?

 

He either lied because he knew you wouldn't like him having this friend or he lied because he didn't want you to ruin things with her.

 

Gosh, I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

It would have made it seem so much more innocent had he just talked to you about her and planning on meeting her etc, before he went and did it.

 

Now it just seems sneaky.

 

You and I are on the same page Sherry. I'm on the fence too!

 

What I am sure of though is that it's time they communicate like two grown adults, and get to bottom of this, and hopefully resolve.

 

Accusations, assumptions, wanting him gone are not going to resolve anything, to the contrary, it will pull them further apart.

 

I sorry too OP, I hope you guys can work it out.

[Lester]

Trying to be diplomatic and rational but don’t know where to go from here so any advice is always appreciated.

 

The biggest problem with saving a marriage from infidelity is NOT wasting time.

It happens because the victim (you), thinks this can't be happening to me.

 

It can and does to millions of wives just like you every day.

 

 

First Aid:

1. Stop wasting time!

Every day you appease with excuses and self-blame it gets farther away from you. (Yes, you're in a fight to save him and your marriage.)

 

2. Stop ALL teaching and become quiet around him. Do not let him lure you into conversation. (To get more time, HE WILL) Do not talk of boundaries!!!

 

3. Stop doing ALL favors for him.

 

4. Start becoming unpredictable. Go out tonight with friends.

 

5. Secretly get and read Dobson! Don't tell him about it or use a device he can have access to.

 

6. Beware of well-meaning advice. Before taking any advice ask if they saved their marriage from infidelity. (Yes, I did.)

[Wiseman2]

Agree, it's not that he likes a sport or has a partner to do it with or that the running buddy is female. It's about the need to lie to you about it. Pull back. Spend more time alone, with your family/friends. It's not about cheating or jealousy, it's about lying.

 

Doing end runs around you, contacting your people (to hear his side of the story and "talk some sense into you", no doubt) is as disconcerting as his lies are. Tell your friends and family to not discuss this with him and tell him to stop contacting your family/friends to make himself look like the good guy and you look like a jealous screw..He is trying to gather a jury against you. Think about that.

He contacted my stepmother and best friend for advice of how to make it right. He is losing his mind explaining that if I could only understand how insignificant it is.

[SherrySher]

I agree, he doesn't need to be sharing your personal business with anyone. He might be saying it's for good, but truth be told, he is dragging others into this and it's not right.

 

He messed up, he did this, he needs to sort out how to fix it.

 

I think first and foremost his "running buddy" should be a thing of the past and if he is interested in saving your marriage, she needs to go.

No hanging out after work, no hanging out during work, no texts.

 

He needs to understand that trust needs to be build back up and it's not going to be with her in the background.

 

Secondly, you and he both need to agree to start marriage counselling. This is a must. You can both talk openly and honestly about everything and have a therapist help you work through it all.

 

If and when you do talk to him again, these are the things I would suggest if he truly is interested in saving your marriage.

[katrina1980]

This thread is a good testament to how what would appear to be one small insignificant lie (by the person who lied) can erode the entire fabric of an otherwise good and solid relationship or marriage (until the lie).

 

Gawd, how I hate any sort of lie. I don't even like "white lies." You look awesome! When you look like crap for example.

 

It really does get you crazy and causes one to lose trust even if at first you believe you can move past it.

 

I'm still on the fence about this after her last post.. It's not like her friend saw them kissing or cuddled up or sharing an intimate meal..

 

They were running together, in training for a marathon and I can say from experience, it's much more fun to run with someone than alone.

 

Okay he lied about it which was wrong, but again it's possible it was just a bad judgment call.

 

And not to knock the OP, but her reaction now does lend some credence as to why her husband didn't want to tell her. Her belief they have this "connection" and "passion" which may not be the case at all. And now she wants him gone!

 

But who knows! I think they need to communicate, calmly and rationally. They've been married a long time and up till now, it's been good. He's been a good husband and friend, according to her.

 

It would be a real shame to end a long and up till now good loving marriage over something that, again, may be nothing more than a bad judgment call.

 

Or not, but they need to communicate!

[katrina1980]

Glata, would you let us know how this all turns out?

 

I'm rooting for you guys to work it out, and become closer as a result!

 

Resolving conflicts together tends to do that, brings you closer and stronger as a couple with a better understanding of each other.

 

Fingers crossed!

[abitbroken]

Yeah, spending time with a woman other than you on your anniversary (with the exception of in the workplace) is just a no-no. How incredibly tacky.

[Billie28]

“He sleeps like a baby and I am tossing and turning thinking of a million scenarios”

 

I obviously ruffled a few feathers (my apologies) by feeling some empathy for the op’s Husband and thinking he may have lied to prevent the issue that is now at hand. That is simply my opinion and while I respect others opinions , I don’t see anything wrong with questioning them? I am more than happy for others to question mine , because it can provide insight to not only myself but the op as well.

 

I have just one question to the op.

If you as said firmly believe your husband would not cheat, then what were the million scenarios going on in your head during a sleepless night about if nothing to do with cheating?

 

Thanks!