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Everything posted by katrina1980

  1. I think saving for a house is perfectly legit reason for living at home. Or saving money to pay off school loans, or debt, there are so many reasons. Please try and refrain from making assumptions as the previous poster suggested, get to know her and find out what she's all about for yourself.
  2. Lol, I once dumped a guy cause I didn't like his shoes, no joke! They had 'lifts' on the heels which was strange as he was quite tall without them (definitely over 6 feet), I guess he wanted to be taller! Anyway not sure if it was the shoes per se or the hidden message re his insecurity about his height, (or my perception of what it meant) but I was immediately turned off. The irony is a man's height doesn't mean a hill of beans to me!
  3. You decide what you value more, the frivolous attention of another man (and yes it is frivolous and most likely has nothing to do with you - it's his ego as you are 'unavailable' and as such pulling you is a huge ego boost) OR your own integrity and sense of responsibility to your husband and child. My god you are acting like some sort of victim who has no control over herself; get your shyt together and start behaving like a grown up for heaven's sake.
  4. They've left the building because OP you are being driven emotion, not by any sense of responsibility or integrity. Look, I firmly believe, even in long term relationships and marriage, there will be others we become attracted to. What's important is that you do not act on that attraction, in any way shape or form, you squelch it. You have made a commitment to be married, you have a child for goodness sake, start exercising some integrity and honoring the commitment you made, before this attraction escalates. If there are issues in your marriage, needs not being met, then communicate that to your husband and seek counseling if necessary.
  5. @MirrorKnight, your post was spot on, in fact could have written it myself! I talk about fear of commitment a lot on this forum, it's a real and genuine fear and has the tendency to negatively impact human relations in a way many peoole don't understsnd. In fact many people don't even believe it's real, instead believing all it takes is meeting the 'right' person. Well, there is no 'right' person for those who fear commitment and emotional intimacy, they will always manage to find "something" wrong and if not, will create it. Creating fights is very typical, it's the "fight or flight" response to the fear. Both are a way to create distance. Anyway, I'm rambling but just wanted to say thanks for being here and "getting it." And to the OP, I hope you're listening and best of luck.
  6. Ok tiny, fair enough I see your point. :) I agree with FIO, I don't think this is over which is ok too if that's what OP wants. Best of luck whatever you decide OP, and if you choose to see him on Tursday, remain open and honest and most importantly, have fun! That is what these early dates are supposed to be, light and fun! Edit: Never said he was a bad person, no one did. He would not be right for me, not because he likes looking at sexy pics of women, but more for the lack of interest he is displaying by not planning more dates (I mean two dates in three months?) and the crude text he sent. Not for me, my standards are a bit higher.
  7. Of course people enjoy looking at and even liking pics of those who are hot and sexy, it's called being human, nothing wrong with that whatsoever!! But I think when you first start dating someone, for god's sake exercise some discretion please! It's not necessary to be broadcasting it all over FB, where you know the person you just started dating is bound to see, and then sending such a crass photo with words to match. I'm no prude, but that is in such poor taste and reflects a certain lack of respect, something I personally have no tolerance for so early in. And please let's not invalidate the OP's feelings by calling her naive, she has the right to not like his behaviour and stop dating him without being told she is wrong or naive or being shamed for it.
  8. Oh I have no doubt he was only trying to be cheeky with you, perhaps because of the nature of your previous texts, he assumed you would find it funny which you did! In an earlier post you described it as 'humorous.' So a bit confused now as to what the real issue is; is it the fact he enjoys looking at large breasted women and you have some insecurities about that because you are not large breasted yourself? If so no judgment from me, you have the right to stop dating him for any reason at all, after only two dates in three months, the first of which sucked, you don't even need a reason nor an explanation imo. But if you want to give him the courtesy of one, then ok to send a quick text cancelling Tuesday and telling him you don't think you're the right fit for each other and wish him well. Then block him in case he tries to text, keeping the drama going. To be honest, that is probably what I would do.
  9. Chiming in on what TD wrote, I think if a couple both have a crude sense of humor, and wish to exchange crude jokes and pics, that is perfectly fine. Not judging that at all. For me, when in an exclusive relationship where interest and trust has already been established, I can be pretty crude myself! Lol But you are not in an exclusive relationship, in fact there is no relationship, you are barely even dating. So for him to send you that photo this early in, before knowing you or your sense of humor, was just in very poor taste and extemely disrespectful imo. I mean I am imagining myself receiving that from a man I barely knew and I'd have no problem just blocking him after that. Huge turn off.
  10. Well if you're ok being treated like one his frat buddies (again referring to the crass photo he sent you and what he wrote) then who am I to judge. I'd be done but you do you, good luck.
  11. Here's my take fwiw. I'd have no issue with him liking large breasts, many men like looking at large breasted women nothing new about that; as j.man said it's no different from men looking at playboy or other such mags years back. What would be the dealbreaker for me is his need to broadcast it on FB where he knows you'd see it, a woman he is hoping to impress, and worse sending you crass photos/texts claiming it was a "joke" under the guise of a Disney cartoon. Low class bottom of the barrel behaviour as far as I am concerned, no thank you, next! To me, him doing that (especially him sending you that "Disney princess" photo and writing what he did) suggests he has zero respect for you. Men who respect you would never send something so crude OP, for me, that is the red flag, and dealbreaker. Also, may I ask why you have only had two dates since May? He sounds gross imo, I'd be totally turned off, why aren't you? After seeing that photo he sent, along with what it said, and after only having two dates in three months, I would have just blocked him, and I find it curious you described it as "humorous," what are you his "frat buddy?" Cause that is something a man would send a frat buddy, not a woman he just started dating and hoping to impress. Ick.
  12. What j.man described above is how my relationships work too -- in fact if any of my boyfriends required me to 'check in' to the extent you do OP, I would feel very controlled, suffocated and stifled. Jmo but this is not about you 'worrying' about him, his safety or wanting to know he's ok, but rather to seek reassurance and alleviate your anxiety and insecurity. Seriously consider this OP, otherwise you will drive him away if you haven't already and any other man you date unless he is as insecure and needy as you are. All the best.
  13. I agree with Batya, you are not his mother, or prison warden, which frankly is how you're behaving with all your "he needs to check in" requests, good lord, great way to drive him off for good!. I don't know what 'stupid stuff' he's done and don't care, this isn't about that imo. This is about you; you don't trust him, period, and as such have NO business dating him or any man you don't trust. If your tendency is to become attracted to men who are untrustworthy, explore that internally and/or with the help of a qualified therapist. If you have trust issues generally, meaning guy could be a saint and you'd still find things to not trust, then same advice - explore within and seek good qualified therapist to help you navigate and resolve.
  14. Lol, all my boyfriend's friends have "liked" me. To what extent I don't know, all my bfs have said is that they liked me and think I'm cool. Does not mean they would ever cross boundaries, they're my bf's friends for goodness sakes. Take it as a compliment, it sure beats the alternative, having his friend not like you, don't you think? My spiney sense tells me you "like" him, more than just your bf's friend and that is why you're asking and hoping he likes you in the same way. Otherwise why would this even be a concern, unless his friend crossed boundaries, has he? If so, talk to your bf, not us. Smiling and making eye contact while speaking with you is not crossing boundaries.
  15. Hi HC, have you decided what you're gonna do? Or have already done?
  16. Thanks for explaining bolt, I was also a bit confused about the term. I posted but then looked it up and changed my post.
  17. OP, I am assuming you mean "dependent" as "co-dependent" would suggest she enabling you and your mental and other issues in some form or fashion in an unhealthy way. That is my understanding of co-dependant anyway. Is she doing that, enabling you? Imo, from what you've written, as others have said, she is simply needy, clingy and intense (your word) which may escalate to "obsessive." Which is different from being dependant or co-dependant. She may also possibly have abandonment issues, but don't confuse that with co-dependency, that is a whole different thing. My advice is, in addition to telling her you're not ready for a relationship quite yet, explain to her she is moving too fast, you're not comfortable with the pace she is setting and want to dial things back. In short, explain your boundaries very clearly while making it clear you like her and want to continue dating to see where it may lead down the road, gradually and organically, no rushing and no pushing. If she continues doing what she's doing, and disrespecting your boundaries, then dump her, next.
  18. Jmo but based on what the OP has posted, in all her posts, yes she is seeking a certain stereotype, one that will fit into what society and her family deems "appropriate" for her as a PA. Doctor, lawyer, businessman, teacher, sadly (imo) tattoo artist doesn't fall into the category of "appropriate" with respect to social standing which is clearly important to her. She has made that very clear, it's the premise of this entire thread!
  19. I think this^ pretty much says it all, and as far as being incompatible, my advice is to think long and hard about why exactly you believe you are now suddenly incompatible after six years. Is this what you truly believe due to your own personal values and standards? Or are you adhering to the standards of "society" and your family's values and standards? It's an important decision cause it will affect your happiness for the rest of your lfe.
  20. I agree and feel the same. I am also one of those women who actually prefer dating men outside of what society would deem "appropriate" for me, call it the rebel in me but men like this appeal to me! I work in a very conservative field (legal) and have dated lawyers and doctors and they all eventually bored me to death, no thank you! One of my brothers literally yelled at me when I broke up with an ex a couple of years back -- a doctor. I am attracted to creative eclectic men and would date (and marry) a tattoo artist in a heartbeat!! Assuming there was a mutual chemistry and attraction, and love should we choose to marry, and would feel more than proud to introduce him to the stuffy lawyers in my office and my brothers who are all quite conservative. I also love tattoos on men! I find then incredibly sexy! But that's just me. Another poster said she would never date a tattoo artist so there ya go, we are all different. The only issue I have w this is you dated him for six years, fell in love w him, knowing full well he was a tattoo artist, but now that you are studying to become a PA, you've changed your tune and feel he is no longer up to your standards due to what society and your family think. I don't know, there is just something very wrong w that mindset in my opinion but best of luck whatever you decide.
  21. First off, thank you for answering my questions! So what I am sensing about these other women is that (1) neither pushed or even expressed a desire to be in a committed relationship with you, and (2) they both ultimately dumped you. But here, with your current, we have a woman who is clearly very much in love with you and wants, perhaps is even pushing for, a commitment. Would that be a fair assessment? If you agree and given that at 53 you’ve never been married or had a committed relationship (from what you've written), do you think it’s possible that you may have some fears surrounding commitment in general? And the fact that your current girlfriend clearly wants to be committed (marriage) and is voicing that is causing you to lose some of your attraction to her? The others were "safe" as they did not. So you were emotionally free to love them with all your being. Not judging if that’s the case, but if true, yes I think you need to end your relationship with her. In fact, given how you feel, even it not true you need to end it. She deserves a man who loves her with all his heart and wants to be committed to her, don’t you think? As for you, if any of this rings true for you (it may not), it may be worth your while to explore further, within yourself and with the help of a qualified therapist if commitment is something you actually want ultimately. Not with your current, that's over, but with someone else you meet down the road. Commitment fears are tough to navigate (and often times even to acknowledge within oneself) so I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
  22. Well, frankly your reasons for believing you're not a good fit or "the one" seem quite shallow imo. I mean clearly you are more concerned with "appearances" and what society thinks, so yeah end it, you're not doing your bf any favors by remaining with him. I feel badly for him. Here we have an honest, hard working man who treats you well, who loves you and you love him (or so you claim). Yet you're considering leaving because of how your relationship looks to others and what society thinks of it? Sorry can't wrap my brain around that mindset. Not that it matters, but there is a female attorney I know (partner in a large law firm), who is married to a construction worker with hair down to his waist and who rides and collects Harleys. Oh and yeah he has tattoos as well, several in fact. Do you think she gives a crap what others and "society" think or say? Big fat NO! Nor would I if faced with the same situation. But again your feelings so yeah dump him if you believe he is not up to your and society's "standards" of the type of person who is the right fit for you.
  23. Hello JWeber and welcome to the forum. Before I comment, I am curious about some things, so hope you will answer my questions. With respect to these other women you had stronger feelings for and knew with certainty you were in love with, can you describe those women and your relationships with them? Were they committed relationships? Was everything smooth sailing with you both developing feelings at the same speed and wanting the same thing like a committed relationship? How long did they last and why did they end? Given your strong feelings for them. Or were they off/on, riddled with "issues" with them not being ready, available or creating distance and thus remaining a challenge to you? You are 53 have you ever been married? There is a reason I am asking these questions, and if you're inclined to answer, would be interested in your response and will comment further. Thanks!
  24. Oh HC I am so happy for you! ❤️❤️❤️ No I do not think you are "jumping the gun" and yes I think you should delete your Tinder and Bumble; it's certainly possible to know within one month if you want to focus on just one person to see where it leads, plus he has already told you he is focusing only on you. Doesn't mean you have to marry him, you're just choosing to focus only on him (as he is with you); if later down the road, you discover issues that are a dealbreaker, then deal with it then. But think positively and for now hell yeah, go for it!! I honestly cannot think of one reason why you wouldn't. Take a risk, this all sounds extremely awesome and positive!
  25. I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions and answer them truthfully and honestly (to yourself). So she had been hinting at commitment, you didn't think you could give that to her so pulled away and ended the relationship. Now, after breaking up you've suddenly and miraculously realized you do have feelings for her, and want her back. So the question is, what made you suddenly realize you DO have feelings and that you could give her that commitment she wanted? What brought you to this conclusion? What I am getting at is your thinking is the thinking of a bona fide commitment phobe, and I think you need to explore that within yourself honestly and truthfully because nothing you've said is making any sense. On one hand you said you're afraid of getting hurt, on the other you acknowledge you didn't have feelings but after breaking up now you do?? This is so typical and again I ask what brought you to the conclusion that you are now emotionally prepared and ready to give her that commitment she wants? Serious question, I'd really like to know. What work have you done to resolve your issues? Again, you said you are afraid of getting hurt, so are you now suddenly NOT afraid of getting hurt? If I had to venture I guess, I don't think you've done any work, what's happening is you broke up and thus you miss her attention and are now in a state of "longing" for her. Which is quite different from love as love is caring and nurturing of what you DO have (which you failed to do while with her) and longing is craving what you DON'T have (which is now what you're doing). I guarantee you once you get back together (assuming she even wants that) the same feelings you had before will resurface after which lather, rinse repeat, and thus begins the never ending cycle of a toxic off/on relationship due to your commitment issues. My advice? Leave her alone and take the necessary time to work on your issues so you don't repeat patterns that are hurtful to your partner and toxic.
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