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katrina1980

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Everything posted by katrina1980

  1. Deleted. Decided to start a separate thread about it.
  2. I watched “Ben is Back” last night. Wow, what a fabulous movie!! Julia Roberts gave the best performance I have ever seen! I was a bit confused/disappointed at the end – not knowing whether Ben lived or died. I think he may have awoken, but my boyfriend believes he died. Anyway, it’s about the very serious opioid crisis in America currently (not sure if it’s same for other countries) but it’s very very serious here. Ben had an accident when he was 14 and his doctor placed him on pain meds, kept increasing the dosage and he became addicted, as sooo many others have become for the same reason. Doctors doling out this stuff like it’s candy for goodness sakes. Anyway, I won't spoil it in case you want to watch, I really enjoyed it!
  3. Hey again reinvent, happy friday! I won't bombard you with questions this time, I promise, I just want to add my two cents re your post above. My take on what J wrote very much aligns with mine. Which is, and this applies to anything really, when your partner shares something with you (like your bf did here), the time to ask about it is right then and there -- NOT in a confrontational way, but as a caring girlfriend who is interested in knowing who is friends are, male or female. IMO, it's a bit late to ask about it now, cause yes I agree with you, asking now would give it more importance than it deserves. But right when it happens? No it's not giving it any type of importance, or being confrontational or needy or any of that, you're simply communicating with your boyfriend. In this case, he mentioned going for beers with a friend. Instead of simply asking in a light-hearted way, innocent way, "oh yeah, who is she, do I know her, what's her name?" or any of the questions Jibralta posted, all of which would open the door for communication, you said nothing, but then became a bit anxious about it, wondering about it, and posted here. Anyway, it's all water under the bridge now, you're over it, that's obvious. I am also not trying to tell you how to conduct your relationship, you know best what's right for you, just food for thought moving forward.
  4. I know, I kinda bombarded you there didn't I. My brain is and has been on total overdrive these past few, so is my body, spinning around, running around, I am a total crazy girl these days. Called doctor today, appointment tomorrow. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to answer and am glad to hear everything is amazing!
  5. >>He calls me yesterday at work to tell me of the before game plan out of courtesy and then shares with me that only one team member has decided to go and it just so happens it's only the two of them that will be getting bite to eat and cruising his neighborhood farmers market. You know where this is going. It's a team member that's a woman. Hey again reinvent, I could be way off about this, but hear me out. I am a bit curious, since he referred to this person as only a "friend," how you found out this friend was a woman? And a gay woman. I am also struggling with the concept that this was a "date-like" event. Grabbing a beer with a friend, at a local farmer's market -- obviously, if two people were out on a date and chose to go there, it would be a "date." But on the other hand, two friends grabbing a beer before a game could be viewed as just that -- two friends grabbing a beer before the game. The venue doesn't make a difference imo, it's how they both view what's happening. And in this case, they were two friends grabbing a beer. I am also wondering why, when he referred to this person as a "friend" without providing her name, you didn't just ask, oh who is it? I mean at that point, you didn't know whether it was a he or she, correct? At which point he could have provided her name (or his name had it been a male friend), who she/he is, how long they have been friends, etc. >>He's not playing next Tuesday night so it will be a couple weeks now before this comes up again. It likely won't matter then. But I am pretty sure I will ask him if she has a name. Yeah you could do that or you could avoid the sarcasm by simply asking him what the person's name is. I don't think that is intrusive at all. You're interested in who is friends are, as his girlfriend, that is totally legit. In any event, I am glad you have concluded it's much to do about nothing. How is everything else going? It's been about two years, correct? I hope all is well and that you're truly happy together. :)
  6. Reinvent, I am going to ask you the same question I would ask a brand new poster who posted this on the general forum. Would this bother you if this gay woman was a man? You know it's been said a zillion times, we cannot control our partner's actions, what they choose to do/don't do, we can only control how we react to it. I think it's speaks volumes that he trusts you enough to share these things w you, and also that he broke plans w her to have dinner w you and your sons. I am a bit confused about something though -- what did you mean when you said "ok, she's gay, but is he assumimg?" Is he assuming what? Anyway, if me I would let this go, but I'm curious if there is something a bit deeper going on in your relationship and subconsciously you're using this situation to mask that deeper issue. I am not invalidating your feelings, you feel how you feel, but based on what you've posted, this does not seem like that big of deal to me, unless I'm missing something, which based on how I've been feeling lately, is quite possible.
  7. Moving forward, all you can do is continue observing and paying attention to his actions, and whether or not his words match those actions. When we're infatuated and falling in love, it's very easy to take his "words" at face value, but there is a lot going on here under the surface that's not being addressed. As objective observers, based on what you've shared, many of us can see it, but you can't which I totally understand; I myself lived in a sort of never-never land for many years w my ex. After 5.5 years, we even got engaged, planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii. Never realizing, all that time, he had a sort of "hidden agenda" that I knew nothing about. Partly my fault for refusing to take those "rose colored glasses" off, and I take responsibility for that. Lesson learned. I am not saying your bf is not being legit, he very well may be, and as he said, and you agreed, things just need to "normalize." I hope so! I will say that my relationship with my current bf started off pretty intense too, lots of texting, late night calls, lots and lots of sex. But after some time, there was a gradual lessening of that. There was no him suddenly putting on the breaks, or having a "wobble" or making any sort of issue about it. In your case, this all seems like unnecessary drama imo, which could be indicative iof deeper issues on his part that were firmly set way before you came along, and your issues as well to which you've admitted. So again, just continue observing actions, dial it back a bit, and lower expectations. Stop discussing it (gets old and is draining) and simply enjoy your developing relationship with your feet firmly on the ground. Let it play out gradually and organically -- no pushing. I really do hope this all works out for you, I truly do. Best of luck to both of you!
  8. LOL!! Thanks for that blue, I was in dire need of a huge chuckle today, that did the trick! In fact, I nearly spit the diet coke I am drinking outta my mouth (bad girl for drinking that crap, I know). Ok in all seriousness, that was a really great post imo; I 100% agree with everything you said.
  9. Please don't be afraid to move in with your bf reinvent. Your RL is solid, if there are any issues, you're aware of them, he's aware of them, there is nothing lying beneath the surface there, right? I do know how you feel though, my bf and I are going through the same thing, which I think is normal and healthy actually. Just don't let it paralyze you from deepening your commitment to each other cause that's not healthy for your relationship imo.
  10. I've seen it too, but allow me to clarify. What I think was odd was the reason she left; I mean surely she must have known or at least suspected she has an attraction to women way before she decided to get married, no? Of course I am just assuming that is marshmallow meant when she said "lifestyle change," I could be wrong! Anyway, yeah I've seen and heard of couples dating for years too, living together even, but then they get married, making that huge commitment, and it all breaks down. I am of the opinion that one or both has, and has always had, commitment issues on some level anyway; as long as they were dating or just living together, all was fine, but then once married making that huge commitment, their "issues" came to the surface and he/she/both realized they simply weren't comfortable with it, didn't want it, so ended it.
  11. So she dated him for years, married him, then left him after only a few months, because she had a lifestyle change (i.e just a guess, realized she likes women)? Ok, bizarre but fair enough. So I guess the issue now is why he came on like gangbusters in the beginning, but is now introducing space and distance into your relationship, which is the same type of RL he had with his ex while dating, and apparently while married too. One filled with space and distance. Or did it only become distant after they got married? A bit confused by that. Marshmallow, I know you really want to believe in him, and I have no doubt he's a good guy, not intentionally stringing you along, and this all may be about you both finding the right balance, I hope so!! But it's important to pay attention to everything, past and present, things that may feel uncomfortable for you to consider and acknowledge. I mean he can tell you anything he wants, does not necessarily make it true unless backed up with action, so stay open, keep observing, pull back a bit and lower expectations. Let this play out with both feet firmly on ground. Remember, you've only known him for six months.
  12. Maybe but I still find it questionable that he dated his wife for years (with a lot of space/distance built in) but then after marriage, after making such a huge commitment, the marriage crumbled after only a few months. And now, after coming on so strong, he's now introducing space and distance into his relationship with marshmallow. I think this is telling and not something to be dismissed by saying "he just needs to be single for awhile." There is something deeper going on there, again jmo.
  13. Ok, thanks for checking and clarifying Bat. I actually agree with you, perhaps for different reasons, but I agree. I think he has commitment issues (in general), and by choosing this two year waiting route, he gets to avoid commitment without looking like the "bad" guy. He can blame it all on the rules and laws of his country, and come out looking like a peach. Heck it's what I initially thought before delving more into it. And I think he's had these issues long before he met marshmallow, and will continue to have them with every woman he dates, until he does some major introspection and/or seeks therapy to determine why. JMO.
  14. Yeah, I think we all pretty much got that Bat, but thanks for reiterating.
  15. I'm sure some do benefit Bat, but there are also some for whom it doesn't mean a hill of beans. reinvent is a good example as well as my own dad, and other happy couples I know; my opinion is every situation is unique and should be judged on an individual basis. I find such rules rigid and yes "arbitrary," there is no wrong or right here, just a difference of opinion. I am confused about something though. You posted he's not filing for divorce for financial reasons, but didn't marshmallow say the reason he hasn't filed is because in their country, a couple must be separated for two years before filing? She said it hasn't quite been two years, a few months shy of that. So if marshmallow (or someone) could clarify that, it would be helpful.
  16. Bolded, yeah I actually agree with you Bat, in fact it's quite possible he may never be! Per my second to last post (#56), he may have commitment issues in general that would prevent him from feeling comfortable with it (a serious commitment). To anyone no matter how intoxicating the chemistry or deep the attraction. Which again could be why his marriage broke down after only months, after years of dating.
  17. reinvent, given the fact your boyfriend was still technically a married man when you began dating, is now divorced and after almost two years you are still together, happy and committed, just goes to show how these arbitrary "rules" mean nothing and we should judge every man, every woman, every dating situation and experience on an individual basis. And congrats on your upcoming two year anniversary together! I was actually wondering about you last night and if you were still dating him, you hadn't mentioned it awhile, so I am glad to hear all is going well!!
  18. marshmallow, I think you should do whatever you feel is best for you, you’re the one dating him, not any of us, so you know him and the situation better than we do. I don’t happen to agree with the waiting one year rule, but regardless, I think we’re all in agreement, including you, that you should step back, lower expectations, allow yourselves some breathing room, and eventually find a balance that’s agreeable to both of you. It may take some hits and misses, but hopefully you’ll find that balance and it will work. Worst case scenario, it may end up that he needs more distance, and you need more togetherness, no wrong or right, but that would mean you’re just not compatible in that regard. All that said, never mind the waiting one year rule, I am wondering if this man is capable of a long term commitment at all. The reason I say that is because I find it questionable that he dated his ex for years, but then once they got married, the marriage crumbled after only a few months? Something’s not quite jiving there. Many people with commitment fears are capable of dating someone for a long time (albeit with lots of distance attached which you said there was with his ex - they both acted single), believe the next step is marriage, but then once married, they/he/she suddenly start feeling suffocated, boxed in, and are simply emotionally incapable of handling the constructs of such a huge commitment. Could this be him possibly and why his marriage broke down within only months? I wouldn’t expect him to share this with you, but it’s worth considering imo as I do find it questionable. And now you’re seeing the signs for yourself. He comes on super strong at first but now is pulling back (another sign of someone with commitment issues). Anyway, just some things for you to consider as you continue your journey together. I wish you luck and again please keep us posted!
  19. I agree with DF; I was raised in the U.S. but my background is Eastern European (Lithuanian) so perhaps that's why. I also don't agree with arbitrary timelines such as, wait a year after a divorce and he'll be "ready". How can one possibly place a timeline on something like that? Everyone and every situation is different. Marshmallow, you said he was only married a few months, separated for 18, and due to the laws in your country (I think you said you're in the UK?) has to wait two years after separating before filing. Which is very different from how it is in the US, so, and jmo, I don't think what catfeeder advised applies in your case.
  20. Bolded -- I agree with you there Sarah. Which is actually okay. Again it's only been six months and he's not even divorced yet.
  21. Being committed to "something" like building a relationship (which it sounds like what he meant) is different from feeling "fully committed" to a person. He's not even divorced yet, so feeling like he's "fully committed" to you would be a lie and not realistic. That's all I meant. Anyway, these bumps you're experiencing, all normal to me. All my long term relationships (including my current) had a few bumps along the way before we settled in. Good luck and keep us posted!
  22. Sarah L, they've been together for only six months, of course he's not "fully committed" to her nor does he know for certain she's "the one." Heck I'd be concerned if he was sure! It's simply not a realistic way to think or feel after only six months dating. Feeling fully committed and believing someone is "the one" takes time, a lot more time than six months. I dunno this all sounds normal to me, and if marshmallow could dial it back just a bit, and become more of that independent woman she claims to be, some of the pressure would be lifted and it might actually work. Finding the right balance, that also comes with time and patience and the ability to be open and flexible to the inevitable changing nuances that are going to happen.
  23. marshmallow, DF^ is spot on! And what I alluded to her earlier too re our respective needs for space and distance in our relationships. If a couple isn't on the same page about this, when one needs more distance or less distance than the other, there are going to be problems, that's a given. There is no wrong or right, it's about being on the same page and finding the right balance that works for both of you.
  24. Absolutely, unless someone's been living under a rock for the past ten years. Which frankly would be MUCH worse! lol I know I am in the minority, but I'm taking all this as a positive. His ability to be open with you about such sensitive feelings, really does speak volumes as to how much he trusts you with his feelings. That is HUGE in my book. Life is not a some fairly tale where the prince dashes in on his white horse and whisks his princess away, with never a worry or second thought. That's a fantasy, and sadly one many women have bought into and been taught is the way it's "supposed" to be. It's what I was taught, but fortunately I learned that's just simply not a realistic approach to having a mutually-rewarding, healthy relationship based on love and trust.
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