Angry over husbands relationship with coworker

[Lester]

Spot on East ^^

 

Unfortunately she has wasted so much time in denial/appeasement that the physical stage has most likely been sealed.

[Glata]

Update: So I heard my husband paid ya’ll a visit lol. He actually got kicked out of the forum for good and I do feel kinda badly about that as he was at his wits end apparently. All of the comments and perspectives actually really helped me express how hurt and angry I was and why - so thank you all.

 

My husband has been nothing but wonderful to me in terms of communication and wanting to talk every night about how to improve this situation. I am honestly still going through the motions and am completely over it at times and then get this hollow feeling in my stomach again and overthink and wonder so much about this woman.

 

Rationally thinking, I know it’s nothing and I do have it very good but I want to get that feeling of complete security back and he’s been working really hard to give me that. He has always been a better than average boyfriend, then phenomenal fiancé and really great husband. But since this whole thing happened he feels awful, not so much because of the coworker but because I can’t figure out if he liked her attention or just really wanted to push to complete the marathon. He said he enjoyed talking to her (because she’s like a guy) and that he never thought anything of it. His biggest concern is not this situation (because in his mind it’s so insignificant) but that he feels like I’ve been a better wife to him than him a husband to me. He’s had a scary health scare I was by his side through. Loss of a great job many years ago that I stuck by him for, family passing away etc. Since we had this blow up we’ve been talking about all of our past years and he said that he realizes that (knock on wood) I never really needed him for anything which is true. During our entire time of being together my personal life, career, health has been steady and I was there for him while he really never had a chance to be there for me.

 

I’m not proud of this but after we made up and cleared the air We agreed that he messed up by withholding this “friendship” I agreed to just see how he’ll handle the situation and told him I trust him fully but I will be observant. We are on the same cloud (he doesn’t know I see all his texts bc he is not savvy whatsoever) and have been monitoring only if he hasn’t told me for a while. Whenever she did text him after i found out they trained together he would tell me and show me. So I trust but verify and it’s all there.

 

I asked him to not even bring her texts up anymore and from what I’m seeing in their texts that whenever she writes him about what to plan for a coworker who is retiring and of how she thinks this was her last marathon bc of her age he has always brought up my name in texts.

 

Example :

Her: I’m so impressed by your commitment and reach your goal of completing under 2hrs. I was sore yesterday but feeling better today. How do you feel?

 

Him: same here. Def glad I did it but going to need to take a break from running for a while. My wife and i went for an amazing brunch after the race and she treated me to a massage which helped with calf pain lol. Great day!

 

Then she sent him a picture of her sons and husband who surprised her at the finish line and he sent a picture of him & I at the finish line as well.

 

The week after the race she gave him a picture frame with an inspirational quote for runners and a card which got my blood boiling again but then again I have received gifts from male coworkers when I was promoted.

 

It’s very evident in the texts that there is zero flirtation or intentions of having anything other than a coworker friendship but I think it’s changed a lot bc he is not initiating any texts and keeping responses short and sweet.

 

He’s asking me to run a 5k with him tomorrow at their district with him and I will meet her I guess for the first time. Not really sure how to act because part of me wants to tell her to act like a respectful, married mother and adult and stop texting my husband, asking him to meet for runs and giving him gifts but obviously I won’t do that. I will be sweet as pie and let her know that I appreciate her pushing him to finish the race. My husband is always very affectionate in public with me so hopefully she’ll finally understand boundaries.

 

Any suggestions are welcome.

[Wiseman2]

Good update. How did you find this out? Why was he banned? :

I heard my husband paid ya’ll a visit lol. He actually got kicked out of the forum for good and I do feel kinda badly about that as he was at his wits end apparently.

[Batya33]

Thank you so much for the detailed update! I agree that at this point she is crossing boundaries and he is not but the gift is inappropriate. Also to be extremely careful if I were him I would not even mention "massage" because it could provoke more personal conversation and could be seen as opening the door into talking about personal stuff.

 

So your male coworkers got you gifts for a promotion? A boss or a colleague? Was there an office gathering and that's where you received the gifts? I see this as very different -she's giving him a gift for a personal accomplishment. Again either you trust him or you don't. I hope you're able to convey with body language and eye contact that she needs to stay the heck away from your husband.

[Lester]

Update: He’s asking me to run a 5k with him tomorrow at their district with him and I will meet her I guess for the first time.

 

Ask him if she's going to be there and if yes..., time to get really mad and NOT go!

 

 

Btw,

Your husband knowing about ENA is a huge mistake.

To prepare more professional deceptions, he'll be carefully following it and you.

[abitbroken]

Ask him if she's going to be there and if yes..., time to get really mad and NOT go!

 

 

Btw,

Your husband knowing about ENA is a huge mistake.

To prepare more professional deceptions, he'll be carefully following it and you.

 

I disagree -- making sure another woman sees that you and your spouse are secure and you want to show off your spouse that you are proud of I would say would be a good thing. If he did everything to avoid his wife crossing paths with the coworker, i would be more alarmed.

 

I do agree with you on not showing someone ENA

[boltnrun]

Yeah, get mad and NOT go and why not prepare the silver platter too while you're at it.

 

I would go and be gracious. Not a harpy demanding "stay away from MY husband you hussy!!"

[Lester]

Marriages are made and broke inside the four walls of two.

 

Anything else, such as the suggested three ring circus is by design.

[Glata]

So I finally met the woman! And I do feel silly in retrospect I guess. She was not this blonde bombshell husband predator I was expecting..just a little, older spunky mom that’s very outgoing. As soon as she saw us she gave me a big hug and said she was so happy to finally meet me and that I’m even prettier in person than the pictures my husband showed her 🤦🏽♀️.

 

They were in charge of setting up a tent together so I just talked with his other coworkers but of course observed it seemed more like a relationship he would have with one of his guy friends. She kinda talks to him like one of her students lol.

 

I can see that he’s been trying for me to meet her just so it could take that worry away that he is actually into her and it worked. She was a big unknown and if I had actually confronted her it would’ve been completely out of place and she probably would’ve been shocked that I could ever think there was anything going on. She’s nice and unless I’m a complete idiot had no interest in my husband other than pushing to get this half marathon done.

 

She texted him today but also other coworkers to make sure they fill out a card for another male coworker who is retiring. She is making him a personalized gift so I guess that’s just what she does.

 

He has been so desperate to just make me understand that there is nothing to worry about and I did not make it easy for him. He wishes he had just told me he was running with someone bc it’s been a nightmare for both of us. Something so stupid turned into me questioning my entire marriage.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you met her. I want to make one point though - it is completely and utterly irrelevant what she looks like. I have seen people attracted to people who are far from "blonde bombshells" of any sort - I was one of them - you just feel that click with someone and even though you know intellectually he's not a "10" by some silly objective standard you two have it goin' on. I will never forget many years ago when two of my coworkers were dating -he was so handsome, she very pretty. And very full of herself too. I brought my then boyfriend to a work event. He was downright funny looking (yes, I found him cute, yes sometimes I did not, that's for another day) - and my full of herself coworker gave me a LOOK - a clear look of "you're dating HIM??" Please never tell yourself "oh she's frumpy looking -he'd never go for her." You never know what attracts people and on the other hand I know plenty of blonde bombshells who don't have men fawning all over them or if they do it's short lived.

 

Having said that I agree that the way she acted appears 100% above board! I'm glad you met her!

[SherrySher]

Awww, I am so glad this happened!! Yes, a lot of time we over exaggerate things in our mind when we feel threatened but the reality is normally not even close to what we imagined.

 

I hope you and she can become good friends and you don't have to feel upset anymore over this.

 

It's good to hear a happy ending. I'm happy for you.

[ThatwasThen]

So I finally met the woman! And I do feel silly in retrospect I guess. She was not this blonde bombshell husband predator I was expecting..just a little, older spunky mom that’s very outgoing. As soon as she saw us she gave me a big hug and said she was so happy to finally meet me and that I’m even prettier in person than the pictures my husband showed her 🤦🏽♀️.

 

They were in charge of setting up a tent together so I just talked with his other coworkers but of course observed it seemed more like a relationship he would have with one of his guy friends. She kinda talks to him like one of her students lol.

 

I can see that he’s been trying for me to meet her just so it could take that worry away that he is actually into her and it worked. She was a big unknown and if I had actually confronted her it would’ve been completely out of place and she probably would’ve been shocked that I could ever think there was anything going on. She’s nice and unless I’m a complete idiot had no interest in my husband other than pushing to get this half marathon done.

 

She texted him today but also other coworkers to make sure they fill out a card for another male coworker who is retiring. She is making him a personalized gift so I guess that’s just what she does.

 

He has been so desperate to just make me understand that there is nothing to worry about and I did not make it easy for him. He wishes he had just told me he was running with someone bc it’s been a nightmare for both of us. Something so stupid turned into me questioning my entire marriage.

Awesome! This is a great example of how having good communication with your partner can keep things humming along nicely.

[Starlight925]

I'm glad you met her. I want to make one point though - it is completely and utterly irrelevant what she looks like. I have seen people attracted to people who are far from "blonde bombshells" of any sort

 

Right, agree with this. While I'm glad you met her, and that you feel more comfortable, your description of her sounds rather dismissive and.....a bit......holier than thou? Or something? Like, she's not attractive enough to snare your husband, or something? This characterization is off-putting to me......"an older, spunky mom, not a blonde bombshell".

 

And like Batya says, people don't usually become attracted outside their marriage due to looks, so look inside your own marriage, rather than dismissing her for being "older, spunky, not blonde", whatever. People cheat because they find in the outside partner what's lacking in the marriage, and I've seen many an unfaithful husband fall for someone way less attractive, physically at least, than the wife.

 

Sorry to be so blunt/rude/snarky, but this really put me off.

[Lester]

... I've seen many an unfaithful husband fall for someone way less attractive, physically at least, than the wife.

 

Ditto that by a million times a day!

[Glata]

Ditto that by a million times a day!

 

Thanks for you constant contributions and inbox messages, Lester. Still not going to “secretly read the book by James Dobson” lol

[Glata]

Right, agree with this. While I'm glad you met her, and that you feel more comfortable, your description of her sounds rather dismissive and.....a bit......holier than thou? Or something? Like, she's not attractive enough to snare your husband, or something? This characterization is off-putting to me......"an older, spunky mom, not a blonde bombshell".

 

And like Batya says, people don't usually become attracted outside their marriage due to looks, so look inside your own marriage, rather than dismissing her for being "older, spunky, not blonde", whatever. People cheat because they find in the outside partner what's lacking in the marriage, and I've seen many an unfaithful husband fall for someone way less attractive, physically at least, than the wife.

 

Sorry to be so blunt/rude/snarky, but this really put me off.

 

Trying to find the part where I described her as unattractive or in a dismissive way (this entire thread is basically about her). When you go through this for two months and have all kinds of crazy thoughts in your head without having met the person you will imagine the worst. In my mind I made her out to be this husband stealing, vibrant Heidi Klum lookalike that can run 13 miles with ease and had my husband under her spell. I simply stated that the reality was much different and that I felt rather silly having obsessed so much over something that really wasn’t worth obsessing over to the extend that I did.

[Batya33]

Trying to find the part where I described her as unattractive or in a dismissive way (this entire thread is basically about her). When you go through this for two months and have all kinds of crazy thoughts in your head without having met the person you will imagine the worst. In my mind I made her out to be this husband stealing, vibrant Heidi Klum lookalike that can run 13 miles with ease and had my husband under her spell. I simply stated that the reality was much different and that I felt rather silly having obsessed so much over something that really wasn’t worth obsessing over to the extend that I did.

 

You focused on that. I understand the context and background. These were typed words you chose to type not blurting out to a friend "and she wasn't the Heidi Klum" - just be careful about ANY focus on her looks as a reason your husband wouldn't fall for her. Yes, there are extreme examples - like for example if she was going through a process to become a man (I am not kidding - people focus far too much on looks as a reason to stray). This is not one of them. Thanks for clarifying and just understand I'm not the only one who noticed this and was concerned on your behalf.