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abitbroken

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Everything posted by abitbroken

  1. btw, lots of people who love eachother break up = people who can't be together because of immigration issues, because their cultures are too different, one wants kids and the other doesn't, one is abusive and the other knows they deserve better, bad dynaimics, because the other person has a kid and has to move out of state to be closer and the other person cannot do that, someone has a gambling or drug addiction. One of the parties is married to someone else. Lots of reasons.
  2. 8 weeks is not a long time to be by yourself (and you have had no time by yourself because you jumped in with this guy right away even if it wasn't a "relationship".) take a little time to reconnect with friends you lost touch with because you were consumed with your ex and your relationship, do things you would not do when you were in a relationship (if you always wanted to take a cooking class or join a hiking group but didn't because it interfered with "your date night" or because your ex didn't want to do it). If you like this guy, date him because YOU want to, not because he 'hints" that he wants more. Who cares if he wants more. He can want. If its not just about sex for him, he will go on sex free dates to see if you actually hit it off or you annoy eachother. Don't have a guy you hooked up with in wedding photos. He could be your future husband or looking back a glaring mistake and this fizzles out as soon as you 'make" him actually date you or until someone else comes along for him. Do not invite him to the wedding. Do not take a guy to be your social safety net. have a great time with your family. And then DATE him. Go out on a date with no sex afterwards. If you can go on a few "proper" dates with him you will figure out whether this is just sex fuel hormone fueled decisions or he is actually someone you would like to date AND you are ready for it and not just on the rebound
  3. You say you can't leave him at a low point, but when he is at a high point, you will make the excuse "things are better now." And then they will get worse again... He doesn't "need" you for his mental health - you don't live near him and somehow he survives the days you are not together with family, therapist, video games, strangers on the internet or whatever he does or uses as a support network. You THINK he needs you to function - and he controls you into believing that as well. When you walk away, you need to block him - phone, text, email, social media. It might seem terrible to you at first but the more days he cannot contact you anymore -- everything will start to lift. It may take days, weeks, months. A relationship built on having similar mental health issues is not healthy. I suffer form some social anxiety and panic attacks -- the panic attacks only happen very infrequently now -- maybe once a year or twice a year - because i am in a safe, secure relationship where my panic attacks started when i was in an abusive one. BUT my guy does not have the same issues. And i have improved by being around someone who does NOT have anxiety because two people with anxiety can spiral out of control - one person gets anxious and the other person is triggered by the other's anxiousness.... he could be GIVING you more anxiety.
  4. No. Your cousin, if you are close, knows you broke up with your ex. Don't take him just because you have a plus one. Ask your cousin to adjust her list as you are going solo. Ask him out on a REAL DATE - not a hang out that is also not a wedding. And figure yourself out. you told him you were still figuring out your breakup, so any attention from him is going to be him thinking this is FWB or an invite to hookup - not a relationship. Get clear with yourself. You don't actually want a relationship, but think he's hot, so you are bending on what you are ready for.
  5. We can care about lots of people, but that doesn't mean we have to make them our closest friend, our lover, etc. We don't "owe" someone our time if they are unhealthy for us and does not accept us for who we are (he is expecting you to change - he wants you to stay home even when you are apart). I think that you should break up because 1) You can't have an in person relationship 2) He wishes to isolate you and keep you from having relationships with friends or do other activities. 3) You are starting to feel responsible for his mental health since you point our that he doesn't have any friends really - so perhaps you are hesitating to break up. Please, for your own mental health, break it off. It is a blessing that this is long distance so it will make it easier for you to do it (he is not living next door or something). He survived before he met you, so he will find someone else he can latch on to.
  6. could it be that your body was totally depleted of nutrients while you breastfed? Also there could have been a medical problem all along that extra estrogen masks during pregnancy. change in sensitives to smell is normal. are you sure you don't have hashimotos? i honestly would not have another pregnancy intentionally - as it sounds like you are falling apart, no offense. Get yourself healthy - spend the money on a dietician, specialists, etc to get your health manageable again. You CAN adopt from the foster system very economically, but i would wait until your child is older and can speak before doing so -- you want to make sure the child can communicate. But i would wait on ANYTHING for a few years until your health is in order.
  7. YES. this sums it up. You are not a bison or an elk who is coming into being fertile so you have to take advantage of a male being around. getting off contraception and staying with this man should not be linked. For the implant, you owe it to yourself to get rid of it, to see if your cycles can be a bit more normal - but it is going to take a long time to know. But that means that you should be celibate/abstain for awhile so that your body can reset itself because you should never risk pregnancy with this dude. AND you will have no idea if you are ovulating or not because you will be irregular for awhile. I have a strong feeling that if you start insisting on condoms and also possibly go through periods of abstinence to be sure, this guy will run. Now that you COULD become pregnant, he is going to high tail it out of there. But i would leave HIM
  8. I wouldn't be talking babies with a "partner". Meet a guy who wants to marry you - that is really thrilled to have had the good fortune of meeting you. Stop having sex with this dude. Do not "negotiate" with him. Find a guy who really wants to be with you .
  9. BTW< its not wrong for him to want to try for kids before 30. He may not be for you, but its not wrong of him to want.
  10. If a man talks about a mortgage first rather than marriage - run. Honestly, as a 40+ woman, I would encourage you to not wait until your 30s to start to think about kids. Get all your fertility testing done now to make sure you can and to see what's ahead. So many women wait until 35-40 and find that they have hidden endometriosis , premature ovarian failure etc and wish they would have thought about it earlier. If at least you know what you are in for and aren't heartbroken when the time comes - you would have already gotten some stuff out of the way. Polyp removal, uterine septum, low AMH, - some of that can be dealt with over time before the time comes. friends my age are out there traveling, are killing it at their own small business and their children are out of the house or close and I am just sitting here childless. I am not saying have kids with this guy -- meet another guy if you want...but. You never know what life is going to throw at you and you can't plan like that. Life may never "go back to normal"
  11. You shouldn't "handle" this feeling - you should block him online. Its not a test to see if you can handle it. There is no need to communicate with him at all. if you want to see this as a test, see it as getting the chance to do the right thing and eliminate him from all of your contacts and block him completely. Just don't go there
  12. You should never do something for someone with the motive that you are doing to force a reaction in them (they have to reciprocate, etc) . A lot of people who struggle with codependency have a bit of a martyr complex "look at what i do for you/i bend over backwards and you do nothing" They feed off of it.
  13. If not seeing your mom means that you won't see all of your other family - i would just set boundaries. Don't "spend the holidays" with them as in being there 24/7, but be there for Christmas dinner or the main event but then going for Christmas dessert with your boyfriend's family, for example. Keep it short and sweet. schedule seeing friends or other relatives surrounding Christmas so you aren't sitting at home all the time Is your mom worse one on one and she is better when there is a "buffer" -- ie Aunt Gladys comes over and she always tries to show her best to Aunt Gladys, etc. my mother and i really butted heads - but a couple years after i moved out - our relationship really changed.
  14. sorry! WHen i hit browse, i don't see many threads newer than March on the first page. There must be a drop in activity or something is wrong with the way i am seeing threads.
  15. I would have a mediator or your lawyers as the go between. Do not involve a friend. Be very business like when you communicate, preferably in an email. Do not put emotions or feelings into it - just state what needs to be done. "our daughter needs to have signatures on her documents. The signature is due x"
  16. If you are cheating with someone and they are unfaithful to their husband with you, what makes you believe that they would be faithful to YOU? I think that's the crux of the matter. Do everything you can to be the best dad, have a stable home for your child and fight for a fair share of custody- both legal custody and physical custody. If she moved on that quickly, she already moved on long before in her mind Be single for a good while to figure things out as a divorced dad
  17. The simplest way for her to stop financially helping you is for you to say no to the money. Don't accept it. Simple. I think this is not a supportive relationship - its a codependent one. She is making it so that you can't live or do adult things without her doing them. That's why you are worried about losing her. If this relationship was healthy, you would not be afraid of her going to school. You would be the supportive one - being flexible about when the two of you saw eachother, etc, around her demanding schedule.
  18. on another note - its time to get strong -- learn your worth. Be the woman who doesn't put up with clowns, cheaters and infantile men. That woman is in there somewhere. YOu just have to find her
  19. I am sorry your husband has checked out, but someone can only go so long being ignored. Grief brought me and my guy closer -- not farther away when i went through a loss of a baby. I would continue going to counseling for yourself. You have to shift going to counseling "to get him back" and do it just for you. It may be too late. I know you say you are feeling better, but is there anything you have done in the past three years to make your husband feel valued? I can't tell whether he is saying these things to get you to act or he is sincerely done with you. If he was done, he would have moved out. Continue counseling but also exercise, put some care into yourself again for yourself. That way you are strong enough for either outcome
  20. Yes. indeed names sometimes come up especially if its the same carrier.
  21. I was on a phone plan with my parents and the caller id always said my dad's name, even though I had gotten my own plan since. Its because the phone number was first attached to that account. You have to go in and change the "NAME SIGN" Even if he didn't have a shared plan with her for 5 years, it may still be on there. You can change the Name sign even if you are on a combined plan. I would cut him a break on that one. Be calm and say "oh, i am sorry i overreacted. Lots of people don't change the Name sign with their carrier (you can edit it on the website sometimes) when they no longer are in the same plan" As long as there are no other red flags, i think its fine
  22. He can't monkey branch between women and quickly move in with one unless there is a willing female participant. People can do what they want -- but if you are a willing participant -- you have to look at why you accepted this, not blame the other person for just doing their thing. You were free to stay in your previous living situation, move in with relatives, get a female roommate and so forth. Why did YOU do this?
  23. He has unfinished business with his ex, which is understandable because they were not even broken up when you started dating. If he dumped her for you, she deserves to not have her stuff thrown out and to come get her stuff. Really, we can say he's horrible, but you accepted a guy who was still not finished with his relationship so that all comes along with it. Why would you ever move in with someone knowing someone 7 months even if you met someone who was not dating anyone and was ready for a relationship. Move out -- get your own place and swear off men for six months to a year at least so you can get a better guy radar
  24. Im not getting mom is a narcissist for not wanting to hear it about the sisters. My mother is a very patient, giving, supporting mom but she "doesn't want to hear it anymore" if my siblings and i would tattle on, complain about what the other one did - she had enough, wouldn't hear it, told us to quit it-- and if really, really pressed WOULD say that she was done or to go home if all we are going to do is rag about them. no one has to validate our feelings in some cases. If we complain about everyone - we can control our reactions towards the people in our life and that's all we can do and when we change, sometimes the whole script changes.
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