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abitbroken

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Everything posted by abitbroken

  1. I have not been around in awhile, but have to say "We are doing this again?" Another 7 page, which will be 12 pages about a dude thinking they are too ugly to date. If you think that= then you are. Look at Steven Tyler's yearbook photo. He is an internationally known rock star and he admits he was very unfortunate looking so that's why he got involved with music. I still think he is odd looking/not an attractive man. If you can't meet a woman because you think your face is ugly, you don't want to meet a woman and have decided to not cultivated ANYTHING about yourself thats interesting or you only want a supermodel ugly+rich =wife/girlfriends ugly+kind=wife/girlfriend ugly+funny=wife/girlfriend ugly+humanitarian=wife/girlfriend ugly+rescues kitties=wife/girlfriend ugly+complains about being ugly=no wife/girlfriend or one that is an extreme bully that sees someone that they can kick around
  2. Please respect her. She is not wanting to have sex yet in her life and it has nothing to do with your worthiness. She will be ready when she is ready. It may not be with you. It may be. Don't try to "get her over her insecurity". she is not ready and that should be respected.
  3. It is possible that if this was the first long trip you went on, he realized he doesn't want kids with YOU. Some people want kids but doesn't want the other person to be a stay home parent or WANTS the other to be a stay at home parent and the other person wants day care to raise the kids. i am going with the former, unfortunately if this all happened over a trip
  4. If the choice is not obvious, it is neither. By the way, are they both smitten with you and do both actually want a relationship with you? If you are not seeing them both at the same time and are now narrowing down the list of dates so that you can pair off with someone, are you sure both of them are not dating others or are that interested in you?
  5. If you are friends with him and his wife, I would only initiate plans with the wife. If you really only see him because of the class, call the wife of to make plans and if she says he is not available, but she is, follow through with the invite to her alone and decline plans that are with him solo - has to be a couple or just her. I am not clear on whether you have a separate friendship with the wife or is it that you knew him first and are merely "FRIENDLY" with the wife. This will all make your intentions clear. Its not inappropriate to make a joke about the class with the only person you know in the class. If he makes another comment that is a little weird, you can say "thats a really weird thing to say to a friend" Also, do you NEED to be friends? Do you really have a close friendship with the wife or are you only friends because you are in class together. If you are only friends because of class, i would drift out
  6. I was not ready to be in a new relationship one month after an abusive one ended. If he broke up with you and said he just wasn't ready to give you what you wanted, that would be fair. It could be that you part ways and in six month to a year run into him and he is in a different space because he took time for himself and actively pursued healing. But this part makes me think not I think that if you did stay with him, even if he didn't realize it, he doesn't believe he is worthy of a healthy relationship and would look for something to be wrong just to affirm in his mind that he can't keep one going. He is "warning you" now, so that when he jumps to somebody else or decides he is not interested, he can't say he didn't warn you. You could be a a perfectly intelligent, lovely inside and out and another guy would be fortunate enough to meet you -- but sometimes when someone isn't capable of a relationship, they only meet people that they are not going to commit to going into it. Sometimes people who leave abusive relationships - its a one off - and they are relieved and sometimes people are in relationships that are not so much where one party is the abuser - but its a toxic dynamic they are both throwing and they can't deal with not having that kind of drama in their lives. he is trying to sound like the good guy for "just waiting for the day you bless him reaching out..." But really, you need to close the door on him. there are great guys out there just hoping to meet someone - guys that have their act together and just have not been able to meet someone wonderful due to covid, not going where they can meet said person, etc. There are way more fish in the sea.
  7. No lawyer would get involved with a parent taking the children to see their grandparents for Christmas, especially if normally both spouses would have gone
  8. How can you fix your part of the marriage? You didn't get here overnight. Something happened - which you contributed your share to that caused her to leave for Christmas. It is sad you are alone - but is this something she "did" to you - or something you contributed to?
  9. You know what -- once a month, you dress your daughter in a pretty dress or a cute pant outfit. You go to grandma and grandpa's for an hour. And you go home. I know you want to withhold your daughter form her grandparents, but the cycle of pushing and pulling by all of you has to stop somewhere. They are not the ones that are going to do it. You set Boundaries. But deciding that they "earn" your daughter being able to see them by how much they inquire about her nothing has happened that physically endangers your daughter and they are not being abusive to her. If you have to only visit after naps and know to change your expectations (she is not there to play) and "engage" with your daughter for the hour to direct her attention. then so be it. There is a lot of perceived slights, passive aggressiveness here, etc. you go to a family event and go for a set time. its better to go to something with lots of family in attendance - you are clear that you stay for an hour, and if things go well - two, and then you leave. Have a secret signal that you are and your husband arrange ahead of time if its time to go. But be clear that you have another event you have to get to. That way, your daughter gets to choose as she gets older what type of relationship she has. Its not all about mom taking the temperature of whether grandma is committing a perceived slight or not being a traditional grandma relatonship. I had one grandma who we loved to visit 24/7 and a grandma with health and psychological challenges and we still saw her -- but it was more "duty " - as it was not fun for little kids to visit.We were dressed up, we sat and chatted with Grandma for an hour or were simply just there while my parents did, and then we went home. If it had been based on Grandma's merits to be the perfect Grandma, we would have never seen her. As we grew up, because my parents modeled seeing her at intervals no matter what, it made a difference to us in the long run. Our parents also modeled proper behavior during the visits.
  10. BTW, i thought a lot of women thought firefighters were hot (no pun intended)
  11. I am the same way - buy once and buy good. (but obviously, you don't buy food once.) But if you buy good food instead of junk, its cheaper to stay healthier in the longrun
  12. I know i am behind here, but to me, as long as the other person is a good steward of their money, who cares if they are rich. That means, if they end up with a windfall inheritance or start making more money, they will still be a good steward of it vs burning it. It means if something crap happens to them and they are not working for a little while (the company they work at folds), they will be okay because they already have a plan for emergencies). If they end up being the house husband or wife, they wlll be a good steward of your joint money. You don't want some silver spoon guy who throws money around and then if something happens and it dries up (they are injured and unable to get out of bed for six months), you still have a good relationship vs the only attractive aspect was money. If a guy is a volunteer firefighter, that they are doing it to help others. I have relatives who do it and they do get paid a stipend. Some have used it as a stepping stone to get to be a full time firefighter (they were already known in the department and became very value added if the time came because they had EMT experience as well). Some have done it because they retired as a firefighter and were still pretty young. It depends on what you are looking for - money, character, etc, you cannot change character, but money can change. But then i am older. I had a friend who divorced a man who was a violent alcoholic. She said if she met someone, she wouldn't care - if he was a good, caring man who loved her - she would work. If he was disabled due to a work injury or he had a job that he loved but didn't pay big bucks -- she would not care She DID find her guy. He was a super kind man who was retired military (retired young) and worked part time at a nonprofit he had a passion for. And they lived happily ever after. She already had a house -- so she didn't expect anyone to provide it
  13. Go out for dessert on the way to drop her back at home. I would not have done dinner at your place on a second date because you want the date to have a definite start and end. It can be awkward if either is assuming you should get physical or the sign of not means something, too Or do dinner and go to a movie or something. I you did smoothie bowl on the beach, i would have done lunch, dinner or an activity like bowling next.
  14. btw, lots of people who love eachother break up = people who can't be together because of immigration issues, because their cultures are too different, one wants kids and the other doesn't, one is abusive and the other knows they deserve better, bad dynaimics, because the other person has a kid and has to move out of state to be closer and the other person cannot do that, someone has a gambling or drug addiction. One of the parties is married to someone else. Lots of reasons.
  15. 8 weeks is not a long time to be by yourself (and you have had no time by yourself because you jumped in with this guy right away even if it wasn't a "relationship".) take a little time to reconnect with friends you lost touch with because you were consumed with your ex and your relationship, do things you would not do when you were in a relationship (if you always wanted to take a cooking class or join a hiking group but didn't because it interfered with "your date night" or because your ex didn't want to do it). If you like this guy, date him because YOU want to, not because he 'hints" that he wants more. Who cares if he wants more. He can want. If its not just about sex for him, he will go on sex free dates to see if you actually hit it off or you annoy eachother. Don't have a guy you hooked up with in wedding photos. He could be your future husband or looking back a glaring mistake and this fizzles out as soon as you 'make" him actually date you or until someone else comes along for him. Do not invite him to the wedding. Do not take a guy to be your social safety net. have a great time with your family. And then DATE him. Go out on a date with no sex afterwards. If you can go on a few "proper" dates with him you will figure out whether this is just sex fuel hormone fueled decisions or he is actually someone you would like to date AND you are ready for it and not just on the rebound
  16. You say you can't leave him at a low point, but when he is at a high point, you will make the excuse "things are better now." And then they will get worse again... He doesn't "need" you for his mental health - you don't live near him and somehow he survives the days you are not together with family, therapist, video games, strangers on the internet or whatever he does or uses as a support network. You THINK he needs you to function - and he controls you into believing that as well. When you walk away, you need to block him - phone, text, email, social media. It might seem terrible to you at first but the more days he cannot contact you anymore -- everything will start to lift. It may take days, weeks, months. A relationship built on having similar mental health issues is not healthy. I suffer form some social anxiety and panic attacks -- the panic attacks only happen very infrequently now -- maybe once a year or twice a year - because i am in a safe, secure relationship where my panic attacks started when i was in an abusive one. BUT my guy does not have the same issues. And i have improved by being around someone who does NOT have anxiety because two people with anxiety can spiral out of control - one person gets anxious and the other person is triggered by the other's anxiousness.... he could be GIVING you more anxiety.
  17. No. Your cousin, if you are close, knows you broke up with your ex. Don't take him just because you have a plus one. Ask your cousin to adjust her list as you are going solo. Ask him out on a REAL DATE - not a hang out that is also not a wedding. And figure yourself out. you told him you were still figuring out your breakup, so any attention from him is going to be him thinking this is FWB or an invite to hookup - not a relationship. Get clear with yourself. You don't actually want a relationship, but think he's hot, so you are bending on what you are ready for.
  18. We can care about lots of people, but that doesn't mean we have to make them our closest friend, our lover, etc. We don't "owe" someone our time if they are unhealthy for us and does not accept us for who we are (he is expecting you to change - he wants you to stay home even when you are apart). I think that you should break up because 1) You can't have an in person relationship 2) He wishes to isolate you and keep you from having relationships with friends or do other activities. 3) You are starting to feel responsible for his mental health since you point our that he doesn't have any friends really - so perhaps you are hesitating to break up. Please, for your own mental health, break it off. It is a blessing that this is long distance so it will make it easier for you to do it (he is not living next door or something). He survived before he met you, so he will find someone else he can latch on to.
  19. could it be that your body was totally depleted of nutrients while you breastfed? Also there could have been a medical problem all along that extra estrogen masks during pregnancy. change in sensitives to smell is normal. are you sure you don't have hashimotos? i honestly would not have another pregnancy intentionally - as it sounds like you are falling apart, no offense. Get yourself healthy - spend the money on a dietician, specialists, etc to get your health manageable again. You CAN adopt from the foster system very economically, but i would wait until your child is older and can speak before doing so -- you want to make sure the child can communicate. But i would wait on ANYTHING for a few years until your health is in order.
  20. YES. this sums it up. You are not a bison or an elk who is coming into being fertile so you have to take advantage of a male being around. getting off contraception and staying with this man should not be linked. For the implant, you owe it to yourself to get rid of it, to see if your cycles can be a bit more normal - but it is going to take a long time to know. But that means that you should be celibate/abstain for awhile so that your body can reset itself because you should never risk pregnancy with this dude. AND you will have no idea if you are ovulating or not because you will be irregular for awhile. I have a strong feeling that if you start insisting on condoms and also possibly go through periods of abstinence to be sure, this guy will run. Now that you COULD become pregnant, he is going to high tail it out of there. But i would leave HIM
  21. I wouldn't be talking babies with a "partner". Meet a guy who wants to marry you - that is really thrilled to have had the good fortune of meeting you. Stop having sex with this dude. Do not "negotiate" with him. Find a guy who really wants to be with you .
  22. BTW< its not wrong for him to want to try for kids before 30. He may not be for you, but its not wrong of him to want.
  23. If a man talks about a mortgage first rather than marriage - run. Honestly, as a 40+ woman, I would encourage you to not wait until your 30s to start to think about kids. Get all your fertility testing done now to make sure you can and to see what's ahead. So many women wait until 35-40 and find that they have hidden endometriosis , premature ovarian failure etc and wish they would have thought about it earlier. If at least you know what you are in for and aren't heartbroken when the time comes - you would have already gotten some stuff out of the way. Polyp removal, uterine septum, low AMH, - some of that can be dealt with over time before the time comes. friends my age are out there traveling, are killing it at their own small business and their children are out of the house or close and I am just sitting here childless. I am not saying have kids with this guy -- meet another guy if you want...but. You never know what life is going to throw at you and you can't plan like that. Life may never "go back to normal"
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