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Everything posted by abitbroken

  1. Please respect her! She said you are too old for her and now you are convinced that "she never said she would change her mind". That's really creepy, you know? If a woman says "this isn't a good time for me" its a gentle way of saying NO. There are other women in the world to meet
  2. Now is the best time to break up with her because she is living with her parents, who love and can emotionally and financially support her. Its not like she is living in a lonely apartment, isolated from the world.
  3. You are saying she "caused" the attack. That's a sad and disgusting way to think.
  4. That is really something trivial that you didn't need to "factcheck". She wasn't about to put up a hutch and buy chickens, so it was just small talk. Tinydance is FROM Russia (even if she hasn't been their in awhile, her parents and relatives are also of that cultures) and you, who have merely visited Russia, are trying to explain your way out of a corner -- that you are really culturally knowledgeable, etc. , so therefore its appropriate to expect to school mom when she is "rude". having your second Russian girlfriend does not make you understand daughter-mother Russian relationships. You also could have been a different person back then as well. My ex always "read up" on self help and would "diagnose" people's relationships - that my mom or dad was this or that. I had a healthy upbringing -- he met me in my early 20s when i was still kind of like in the "my parents are oppressive phase" which were just the growing pains of living with your parents as a young adult. The mother did nothing that was rude and disrespectful to you (other than a perceived tone or terseness that may come with English being a second or third language ) to warrant "standing up for yourself" Are you sure you weren't ready to pounce so to speak, or ready to respond to mom in a certain manner because your mind was already tainted by your GF's story and so you automatically painted mom in your mind as a disrespectful person? Self esteem issues are universal. Some people didn't have the best golden childhood, say screw it and are successful anyways. Your girlfriend is struggling to try to be famous for her self worth. Two kids could grow up in the same household and one could have no self worth and the other could be confident as heck.
  5. You can do something about being over an XL. I mean, if you are 7' tall maybe not and you can be in proportion, but if you are of average height, a friend of mine had good luck with an app called Noom -- its not a diet app per say but it reprograms you to start making better choices. I would get a physical, check your thyroid out, make sure you are not allergic to any foods as well. Believe it or not, some food allergies can cause you to keep weight on because you are basically poisoning yourself. Some women like big guys - but you have to have an engaging personality and a healthy sense of self worth to attract them. You say you are "plain" - congratulations - a very small percentage of men are astonishingly attractive and a small percentage of men look like quasimodo (the latter can overcome that by having a great sense of humor, being a good listener, or very intellectually interesting especially if they are not looking to marry a supermodel) . A larger group of men are average looking -- and by the numbers, women must be marrying more of the group in the middle Work on what's inside mentally and a lot of other things will follow
  6. You left an abusive relationship 6 months ago. And you have been friends like this for a year and a half. its tricky when someone meets you while you are in a relationship == he could have taken on the "male girlfriend" role with you if that makes sense. Or you were "safe" because you weren't available. Have you been through some therapy to learn to recognize healthy boundaries so you don't accept another one down the road? I encourage you to make more friends (or sign up for volunteer gigs, or whatever) so you are not crushing on him because he's simply there. I would simply at times have other plans and not let things be a 6-7 hour hangout (have to wrap it up in an hour or two) or have to get off the phone after half an hour or so because you are on your way to meet a female friend, volunteer opp or book reading. It doesn't have to be that you have a date. If you are less available to hang out in one sitting, he is going to have to make an effort to see you outside of "lessons". In some ways, you are giving him quantity over quality -- if you tried giving him less quantity -- not as a game, but naturally not relying on him so much for emotional support or entertainment, he might have to make a move to see you more or he won't and you will be a more well rounded person with a bigger support group. You have already tried to suggest something datey - going for drinks and he declined. He said he wanted a quiet evening in - he could have invited you over for a drink for that quiet evening but he didn't. Do you think that he likes you as a friend but you are just not his type?
  7. You don't need to stay there to take advantage of counseling services. There are domestic violence hotlines that will refer you to free counseling, support group and often legal or housing help
  8. not everyone needs to be a size 0 obviously. But yes, its incompatibility if one person is so morbidly obese that the other person fears they will just drop dead one day.
  9. NO it is NOT her fault that he snapped! Its her fault that he feels betrayed by the cheating but a better man would have never hit her. He would have asked her to leave the house , or he would have been in shock so he would be stunned and quiet and remove himself for a few minutes so he DIDn'T get violent. NO ONE deserves to be hit, thrown down stairs etc. My friend was shot in head and spine by her soon to be ex husband. Did she deserve it because "he was mad" about the divorce? She lived but will never walk again.
  10. I am not saying to rely on it, but she needs to do this to continue a paper trail in addition to doing everything else to keep herself safe - so when he comes up for trial (i pray that she is pressing charges) the more paper like that piles up, the more that will sway the judge that he needs to be locked up.
  11. You keep clarifying because you do not agree with the answers, and are looking for another detail you have forgotten to change our minds. I really think you should look up White Knight syndrome -- or maybe not syndrome that's a bad word because its not a disease or anything. You saw a woman who revealed her childhood wasn't awesome and she wasn't where she needed to be in her career and you went into rescue mode. Please take what people are telling you to heart -- it is always possible to change for the better.
  12. YES you can't expect someone who lives in a different country with different laws and culture to do what someone would do if they lived in the US all their life. Its easy looking on the outside to say "well mom should have just left or went to the authorities". Mom was born during the USSR era, and i do know at least still in the 70s and 80s, you got on the list for an apartment when you were born, once you got one (it could take until you were an adult because you had to wait for enough people to die, give up their apartments due to marriage), you had no say on where it was, and if you married, and moved in with the new spouse, you lost your apartment and had nowhere to go if things went south. At least that is what we learned and that is what people who fled from the USSR told us.
  13. Some people use "they" so they don't say anything identifying where someone can't guess who you are -- but it would be helpful to know if you are a man and woman, two dudes, two ladies, etc.... Sorry, he or she is a jerk. You are not unfeeling. They are making you feel like you are the crazy one. I really think he or she set you up for failure - to pretend that your safety glasses were the ONLY possible thing that would satisfy the need and its your fault. This is not healthy. you are going to make yourself crazy or be absolutely spent and crushed and feel like you don't have a soul after awhile. Please please reconsider this relatonship
  14. please file a restraining order -- go with the house with family to get your important papers like your birth certificate, social security card and so forth. then go stay with family or someone where he doesn't know. Don't back down from pressing charges
  15. If a 29 year old old paleontologist meets a 50 year old paleontologist on the and they start talking over their mutual passion of dinosaur spleens, and one day they just realize that they are eachother's other half -- the more power to them. When a guy who is 50 consistently makes moves on young women and hangs out at parties with much younger people - its a sign that he has a very low maturity level. He is looking for FWB, hookups, and such. He doesn't date women closer to his age because they wouldn't touch him. If a 50 year old guy is dating women in ther 40s, and then one day meets a younger woman over a mutual hobby or avocation and there is more substance to it and he not *looking* for specifically a younger woman, it just happens to be the right person and there happens to be an age difference
  16. If a 29 year old old paleontologist meets a 50 year old paleontologist on the and they start talking over their mutual passion of dinosaur spleens, and one day they just realize that they are eachother's other half -- the more power to them. When a guy who is 50 consistently makes moves on young women and hangs out at parties with much younger people - its a sign that he has a very low maturity level. He is looking for FWB, hookups, and such. He doesn't date women closer to his age because they wouldn't touch him. If a 50 year old guy is dating women in ther 40s, and then one day meets a younger woman over a mutual hobby or avocation and there is more substance to it and he not *looking* for specifically a younger woman, it just happens to be the right person and there happens to be an age difference
  17. If she had a bad foot -- you could have suggested that they go to a cafe, an outdoor theater performance or something that didn't involve hiking, too. Do you see a difference between making a suggestion an "correcting" her mother? Does that put it into perspective? If mom already took care of it and GF was satisfied with that and put vaseline on it, I would have just let it go or would have not "showed up" mom by quoting podiatrist websites. It might have worked fine or GF could have had a sore foot - either way, she is an adult who made a choice. You are way too involved with groceries, being GF's and the handler of their travel itinerary. It was nice to pick mom up from the airport, but staying out of it and letting GF invite you for dinner if mom wanted to meet you - would have been more standard for the length of time you are dating. Anyway = maybe the responses have given you items to consider. btw, 'trying to help with her career" is also codependent. Doing things for someone because you don't think they are capable of doing it and making yourself "needed" is also
  18. Why did you insert herself in all of their plans? Its nice to meet her and mom for lunch, but you were way too involved with the visit. Also, who cares if someone has a different way of dealing with a very minor injury than you? vaseline wouldn't kill her. I would have just stayed out of it. I explain how under the law it is illegal for people, even those who may have medical degrees from foreign countries, to even diagnose or treat people and claim they are a physician if they are not licensed. And that the reason for this is to be a physician in the a foreign country is no guarantee they meet the standards required to practice medicine in the U.S. If you were dating my niece, I would say you came off as a know it all or bit of a jerk "correcting" me - thinking i intend to practice as a doctor in the US. Every mother in the world puts bandaids on their kids and aren't doctors. She could worry how you talk to her daughter in private and could be getting a bit protective of her and snappy. And who cares if she doesn't understand chickens? its a pick your battles thing. People have different home remedies in different countries and your girlfriend's foot would not have fallen off if Vaseline was on it. In fact, i had a scar revision and guest what part of the after care was? Applying vaseline and a bandaid to keep it moist and covered. So it goes both ways. Mom has equal worry that she will end up with a guy like her father equally to you being preoccupied with mom being codependent or not. Also keep in mind women in other countries don't have the same ability to just leave a husband or protect their kids like you would imagine. And mom might not have known everything
  19. If you had a child then, the child would have grown up NOT in a recession . It seems you have every excuse in the book on why you won't act, and then when you do, you panic and walk it back and blame other people. I suspect that "all of the debt" was not her doing. I highly suggest personal counseling. You also have to stop the narrative of being "wronged" by your ex. You didn't want kids, she did. She left. My ex told me that men yell, women cry, marriages don't work and women are not trustworthy after we were married. So guess what? He made it come true. He yelled at me a lot, and at some point I cracked and started crying when he did. I *was* trustworthy while his mom cheated -- and he always tried to suggest that we have a threesome (nope) or try to convince me to sleep with a woman (that will happen on the 12th of never), as an ex of his "did that to him." And our marriage didn't work. I am with the love of my life now and things could not be better. Marriages with limited time together before marriage HAVE worked among some people in my life, but under these circumstances. Couple A) He brought over a woman from his home country -- he was born here, is entire family was from a country in Europe -- the woman's parents and grandparents were friends with his family in the "old country" so knew the character of the family and young woman. She shared a religion, culture, views on family, marriage, life goals, etc, with the groom to be. If it was not a love match once they met, they would not have gotten married. (she was also educated so could contribute financially as the potential kids were a little older) The guy has been my dad's fried since high school. They are still married and in love. I think in your case -- you did it, so the solution on the table is to get to know your wife. You have nothing to lose by doing so. Going forward, you need to be way more intentional with your actions in life.
  20. Dude, you were not "on break" - you both had plans. I would stop "hanging out" with her and start dating her. Think of what you want to do as an activity and put some effort in. Doesn't have to be expensive. But you should be beyond "hanging out" - that's high school dating. = Honestly i don't think she was ignoring you - i think she was busy with her family - as she should be.
  21. You are talking about all the expenses of fixing your place up and the lawyers and so forth as the main problems here. Some of that should have been anticipated. You don't speak of what is actually a problem with her as an individual. She has a PhD - so she could get a job when she is able to. Mixing up a little grammar for a non-native speaker is not a barrier to working. She could also when the time comes get a remote job as an interpreter for hospitals, etc. She is not spending money like its printed on trees. She tells you she loves you - she very well might love you. If you don't have things in common - what brought you together in the first place. What did you talk about that sparked an interest? There had to be something. Go back to that. And try new things. Pretend you are both new in town. Try something you both have never done before. Because why not? There has got to be something your stepson would like to get involved in. There are people that have married people in an arranged marriage that they know even less about and they are deeply devoted and in love because they chose to get to know eachother and fall in love. So you have a choice - send her back or now that she is here, actually make an effort. I have a feeling if you divorce her and start over, you will be in the same place with second guessing yourself over other women. And thats the thing - if a woman is local to you, she has lots of choices and if you are indecisive about how you feel about her -- she won't put up with it.
  22. First off, EVERYBODY is stressed of the pandemic stuff and lock downs. Everyone's patience, tempers or whatever are wearing thin. They may be a bit depressed. What are you expecting from them - maybe you need to manage your expectations -- and communicate them "When things change around her, i would like to have a celebratory dinner somewhere". They can't throw a party for you - so what exactly were they supposed to do? I do think sometimes it takes two to tango. You say your parents "forced" you to finish your degree in your home country. It doesn't sound like you really had a choice. My cousin's school made them all leave the dorms at the end of the term and they couldn't lock down there. Another cousin had graduated a few years ago and had an apartment near his alma mater. He chose to move to his home town and live with his parents, because when you are in a small urban apartment in a high rise, with no ability to really leave your tiny apartment, it really is depressing. While there were growing pains, he was able to help his parents out - his dad is not in the best of health - and take hikes and have company and the comforts of home. So flip the script - your parents were not "forcing" you - the country you were in probably would not have let you just stay there
  23. just say you enjoyed working with her and here is your email and number or book blog address if she ever wants to swap good book recommendations. And the ball is then in her court whether its just about books or she is interested. Or has no interest.= nothing is worse when someone asks if you have a boyfriend and you say no, but then the person acts all weird and tries to put themselves in the running when you have no interest
  24. I had a boss who was an older gentleman - a very genteel Mr. Rogers type. He actually used to be a teacher. When we got the list of people that had the top numbers in the company, he drew a smiley face next to the names of those of us in our location that made the list instead of highlighting our names. He most assuredly did not want to bonk any of us and none of us certainly made any flirty advances either I don't think the woman is "going about it" in any way. BTW< if something was really going on, there would be no way the OP would have seen that note. I think if the OP was secure, she would have just said 'i don't want to be with a guy who has ever cheated" and would have walked instead of going through these mental gymnastics because she knows she can do better. Who cares if she has to give back the ring = or recognize the difference between people who don't know a stranger (become very friendly with people right off the bat) vs cheating. Dump him, because even if this guy is absolutely faithful for the rest of his life -- he just treats coworkers all the same - and tells the same jokes with them -- pregnancy and feeling fat and not at your prettiest is going to send insecurity into Mach 10. he could smile at a 90 year old lady that he helps cross the street and you would be back her suspicious.
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